by J M Wolf
In the end, I took the coward’s way out. I dropped out and ran back home. I needed to be surrounded by those who loved me; people who’d known me since I was born. It was funny. When I was a kid, I used to hate living in Abingdon. With Abingdon being the small town that it was, everybody knew everybody’s business. It made it nearly impossible to have any shred of a private life.
When suspicions rolled around about my sexual preference, of course, several people in town had to ask me about it and let me know there was nothing wrong with being gay. A homophobic family used to live in the area when I was fifteen, and long story short, they didn’t stay for much longer when the townspeople discovered their intolerance. How fucking awesome was that?
I thought coming back home would help me forget the life I once had in New York. I thought things would be okay because I had my dad and Desiree with me. I was completely and utterly mistaken.
At first it worked. Understandably they were pissed about me dropping out and badgered me to tell them why, but I never told them about Brett. I didn’t want them to be ashamed of me when I was already ashamed of myself. After a while my dad let it go and simply asked if I was okay. I guess he saw something in my eyes or posture, something that told him that I didn’t do it simply because of grades or anything stupid like that. He knew me all too well. He was my dad so of course he would. He knew I loved school and my grades were always at their prime. I excelled. I hated leaving, but at the same time I knew I did what was right for me. I just wanted to forget it all.
Of course, Brett tried calling and texting numerous times since I left without him even knowing. The first few messages actually made him sound concerned. Asking where I was and if I was okay because I’d been gone for hours. His messages changed the next day to angry ones and loud voicemails. I guessed the Dean informed him of me dropping out of school or he figured it out on his own. I didn’t care either way. Lots of yelling and talks of violence and insults, the usual stuff. Funny how the moment I was away from his grasp, his fury scared me less. Maybe it had to do with the feeling of safety that came with being home with Dad and Desiree. After about three months the calls and texts stopped coming.
I was slowly beginning to find my way back through life. I had started working at Malcolm's Bike Rental two months after I came home from New York. Malcolm Hew was another one of my dad’s childhood friends, and I’d known the man nearly my entire life. When I asked if he was hiring he was more than ecstatic to have me aboard. My dad still insisted I keep working on my music, so I did that during my time off. Just because my time in Juilliard was over didn’t mean my dreams were too.
Then Desiree and I received the news about my dad, which marked the end of my world. I didn’t even cry; not a single tear. I felt completely raw inside. The need to cry and fall apart was there, but I just couldn’t. It was like it was stuck inside me and wouldn’t budge, no matter how badly I wanted to let it out. Instead, I sealed what was left of my heart by packing away my music. All except for my recording equipment which remained untouched, collecting dust in a corner of my bedroom.
After that, I spent day after day working myself to the bone. When I wasn’t working at the bike rental, I was helping out Patricia at the farmers’ market. Working every day didn’t leave much room for a social life, but I was fine with that. Given my track record, I’d say keeping to myself was the best decision for me; but there were moments when I started to feel lonely. I missed having someone to call my own, but not so much that I was willing to put myself back out there.
Thinking about my past life, I went to grab my laptop from my desk and brought it to bed with me. Placing it on my lap, I went to Youtube and looked up my account. My list of videos I’d uploaded popped up. It’d been over two years since I last did a video, since I came home from Juilliard. I’d posted videos of me singing and playing instruments since I was thirteen. Some were by myself, and some were with Adam. Some of the videos weren’t even of me singing. I did a few topic discussions or Q&A segments. My dad used to help me edit the footages before publishing them.
Speaking of my dad, I went to a video I uploaded three months after I came home and hit play. Instantly, the screen showed me and my dad taking a seat on the couch greeting all my viewers. I was wearing ripped jeans and a shiny jacket, while my dad sported khakis and a gray hoodie. Seeing my dad on the screen was already beginning to make my heart ache.
“What’s up, Youtube, it’s your boy Jace and today I’m here with my father, Riley Garrison,” I announced to the video camera.
“Hey everybody,” Dad said with a wave. “I hope my boy hasn’t driven you guys too crazy.”
“I haven’t. I’m a delight, and my fans would agree with me.”
“Your fans don’t know you like I do,” Dad replied with wide grin. “Should I tell them some embarrassing stories about you as a child?”
I laughed at my nineteen-year-old self who stared at Dad with a look of pure horror.
“I will never invite you to do a video with me ever again,” I said through gritted teeth. “Anyways, today I have a special treat for you all. I will be performing with my dad singing one of his favorite songs from his childhood, Patience by Guns N’ Roses.”
“That’s right, and I thank you for having me join you, Jace,” my dad added then wrapped an arm around me, pulling me close to him and kissing the side of my head.
“Glad to have you with me.”
After that I pulled out the guitar Dad had given me and began playing the intro to the song. Within moments we were each taking turns singing parts of the song, then coming together in the chorus. My range was a little higher than Dad’s, but blended together in harmony.
My eyes burned with the need to cry, but I knew they wouldn’t come. My breathing was becoming heavy and my heart felt like it was being squeezed to death, yet I couldn’t fucking let myself grieve. I didn’t know why, but I was hating it. How was it that Desiree was able to cry and let herself go, but I wasn’t? Why couldn’t I find the relief I desperately needed especially when I was in the comfort of my own room, in solitude where nobody had to witness me falling apart. Especially Gerard.
As my duet with Dad continued on video, my mind went back to Gerard, fascinated with the man and the way my body vibrated when he was near. I wondered if my dad felt the same affection when he was around Gerard. Did his palms sweat? Did his heart race? Did he ever want Gerard to pull him close?
Gerard had a piece of my dad that not even I saw. I wondered what they were like together? I wanted to know him, and I wanted to know about their relationship, but I didn’t know how to ask about it. If Gerard truly was staying for two weeks, then I had that amount of time to work up the nerve to get to know the man my father gave his heart to.
Focusing back to the video, I began scrolling down at some of the comments. A lot of them were as old as the video. One read, You guys have such a great sound together! You guys should sing more duets. Another read, OMG Jace your dad is so hot! And I see where you get your good looks from. Like father like son. <3
Some of the newer comments mentioned my absence. OMG I remember this 2 years ago! I wonder when we will get new videos? Another comment read, I wonder if Jace is still singing? I miss hearing his voice. And, I remember seeing on Jace’s twitter that his father passed away. So sad. R.I.P Riley Garrison. That comment had a lot of replies. Some were shocked by the news while others were apologizing for my loss and praying to me and my family.
I hated the fact that I was no longer able to entertain my fans like I used to. I hated that the music inside me was gone. I hated that I let my fans down, because that’s exactly what I was doing. I was letting my fans down, and I was letting myself down.
“I’m sorry everybody,” I whispered as if my viewers could actually hear me.
I closed up my laptop, unable to see my past life as a musician for a second longer, then set it back on my desk before laying down in bed. As I drifted off to sleep, I couldn’t help but wonder if Ger
ard would’ve liked my music. What would he think if he saw that duet with Dad? And what would it have been like to be in my dad’s shoes and have someone like Gerard holding you close when you needed someone to hold you.
Gerard
I woke up the next morning hoping I would get the chance to talk to Jace and apologize once again for upsetting him, but when I made it to what I assumed was his bedroom, the door was open and there was no sign of Jace. I guessed that meant he went out again. He sure was an early riser. It was only eight in the morning.
I still couldn’t wrap my head around what he admitted the night before. He quit music. No, that didn’t sound right. With the way Riley talked about Jace’s passion for the musical arts, I just couldn’t comprehend the idea of him giving that up. Riley always said music was Jace’s entire being. It was what kept him alive. It was what he was born to do.
Suddenly pieces began to put themselves together in my head. Did Jace give up music because of his dad, or was there another reason for it? It would also partly explain the reason Jace seemed to be stumbling through life like an empty shell. Without his music, he wasn’t really living. Jace’s condition was a lot worse than I thought.
Wanting some answers, I made my way down the steps and saw Desiree sitting at the table with a mug in her hand and her Kindle out.
“Morning,” I said softly.
“Good morning,” Desiree replied looking up at me. "Help yourself to some coffee.”
I nodded then stepped into the kitchen to pour myself a hot cup of coffee. Once I sat down I asked, “Where’s Jace?”
“Oh he went to work.”
“At the farmers’ market?” I asked.
Desiree shook her head then took a sip of her coffee before responding. “He’s working at the bike rental place near the Creeper Trail. A friend of Riley’s runs the place.”
“Oh yeah, Jace mentioned that place. I didn’t know a friend of Riley’s runs it. Riley seemed to know a lot of people here.”
“People in town loved him. We grew up here. Abingdon’s been our home for as long as we can remember.”
My eyes bulged in surprise. “Wow. No wonder Riley spoke so highly of this place. When we were dating, he used to talk about this place like it was Nirvana. I never understood why.”
“I take it that you moved around a lot growing up?”
I nodded, taking a sip of my own coffee. “I came from a military family. My father was a SEAL. So was my grandfather. My mother was a stay-at-home wife, but her father was also a SEAL. I guess it was in my blood. Anyway, we never stayed in one place for too long.”
“Do you have any siblings?” Desiree asked.
I nodded. “I have a younger brother. Jerrick.”
“Is he also a SEAL?”
I chuckled before shaking my head. “Jerrick never liked the idea of living the military life. He’s going to culinary school to be a chef.”
“Wow, impressive. Are you and Jerrick close?”
“No, not really. My parents weren’t the most supportive people when Jerrick told them he didn’t want to enlist. He moved out, and hasn’t spoken to my parents since. He and I used to talk from time to time, but shit happened, and now we’re no longer on speaking terms either.”
“That’s wrong. Your parents should’ve supported him if being a chef is what he wants to do with his life.”
“I agree with you. I used to fight with my parents constantly over that, but they’re the type of people who are...” I gently rocked my head side to side to come up with the best explanation. “Stuck in their ways.”
“What about you? Did you enlist because of your parents?” Desiree asked.
I froze because, in truth, that was the exact reason why. “Um, when I told my parents I was gay, they didn’t take the news well. As I said, they’re stuck in their ways. My father made it very clear that he wouldn’t have a pansy for a son. He made my life a living hell, and my mother stood by and did nothing about it. So, I enlisted in hopes I would get back in my parents’ good graces. It worked.”
Desiree frowned. “I’m so sorry, Gerard. That’s not how a family should act toward each other. Parents should support and love their children with all their hearts, as long as they’re good people. Career choices or sexual preference should never hinder that.”
“What about yours and Riley’s parents? Riley hardly ever talked about them. All I know is that they’re no longer with us.”
Desiree’s face held a pained expression. I could hardly blame her. She’d lost her parents and now her brother, and to make matters worse she was alone in trying to help Jace cope with his loss. Desiree cleared her throat before she spoke again.
“Our birth parents died when we were kids. We didn’t have any blood relatives who could take us in, so we were put into foster care.”
My jaw dropped. “What?”
Desiree nodded. “Yeah, and to make matters worse the judge decided to separate us. He and I both left Abingdon with separate foster parents and lost touch for a long time.”
“You’re kidding.”
Desiree shook her head.
“Oh my God. How old were you when this happened?”
“I was six. Riley was ten. He surprised me by showing up at my high school graduation. When I saw him, I screamed at the top of my lungs, ran toward him and jumped into his arms. It was the single greatest moment of my entire life. After that, we both decided to move back to Abingdon where we grew up with our parents before they died. We’ve been here since.”
Hearing Desiree’s story about Riley, my Riley, made my hollowed-out heart swell with pride. The man I fell in love with truly was a loving man who cherished his son and sister. A good man who was taken from this Earth much too soon.
“Riley was something special, wasn’t he?” I asked, voice cracking.
Desiree nodded, feeling the pain that I was. “He was. He was big hearted and always did as much as he could for the people here. He was loved by everybody, and when they found out about you they were bursting with joy.”
“So, nobody questioned the fact Riley went from having a wife to a boyfriend?” I asked.
Desiree chuckled. “Not at all. We all knew Riley was gay, but we also knew that he couldn’t do anything about it until he got rid of the bitch he was with.”
I crinkled my nose at the term she used to describe Riley’s ex-wife. “I take it nobody was a fan of Lucille?”
“Are you kidding me? Nobody could stand her when she was living here, and I didn’t like her when I first met her at my graduation holding a then four-year-old Jace looking like she wished she could be anywhere else.”
“Yeah, Riley used to mention how toxic of a woman she was. If I remember correctly, she left when Jace was still a kid?”
Desiree nodded. “Lucille only cared about herself. She thought she could do no wrong, and that everybody should worship her. When Jace was growing up, she would undermine Riley’s parenting on a daily basis. Even when she was caught cheating, she made it seem like Riley was abusive to her and that’s why she left. Of course, nobody around here believed her.”
I stilled at the words Desiree spoke about the woman who was supposed to raise her child, and be a loving and supportive wife to Riley. To hear that Lucille was neither of those both shocked, and majorly pissed me off. How could anyone be that heartless as to not give a shit about her husband and child? Riley and Jace were better off without her, that’s for sure.
My thoughts instantly went back to Jace, and asked, “Did Jace really quit music?”
Desiree’s forehead creased in confusion. “How did you know that?”
I told her about my brief conversation with Jace when he came home the night before. I told her about the moment I brought up Juilliard and his music, Jace shut down completely and retreated to his room, but not before telling me that he quit.
Desiree was silent for a long moment, but then finally said, “Come with me.”
We both got up and made our way to the far
right side of the house where the door that led to the garage was. When Desiree opened the door and hit the light switch, the first thing that appeared in my line of vision was a large piano and an acoustic guitar leaning against it. To the far left corner I saw at least six boxes stacked as far back as they could go.
Desiree pulled her blonde hair back then ushered me to follow her as she made her way toward the boxes. Grabbing the top box for her and bringing it down, she opened it and I gasped at what was inside. Framed awards for Jace, trophies with Jace’s name engraved with first place below it.
Desiree opened another box to reveal more trophies and books with sheet music in them. I didn’t need to look in the other ones to assume that they were full of Jace’s musical life in them too. The sight of his accomplishments buried and tucked in a garage made me physically ill. It shouldn’t have been like that. Jace’s success should’ve been all over the house. The piano should’ve been out in the main hall where he would play. This probably would’ve wounded Riley, knowing his son packed up his heart and soul.
I shook my head and looked to Desiree, but I had no idea what to say to her. I barely knew the young man, but seeing these boxes made my heart break for him. I couldn’t have imagined what Desiree felt.
“As you can see, Jace really did quit his love of music,” Desiree said, her voice cracked and shaky.
“This…this is unreal. Part of my excitement of meeting Jace when Riley and I used to talk about me meeting you and him was getting the chance to see and hear how talented he was. I wanted to hear the music that could change lives, according to him.”
“His music could have changed lives,” Desiree said matter-of-factly. “Come on, I’ll show you.”
