by J M Wolf
We made our way back in the house and sat on the couch in the living room. Desiree had her Kindle with her and opened up her Youtube app.
“Jace used to make Youtube videos of his singing, but we also posted footage of his music competitions. One in particular, Jace wrote an original song that really impacted dozens of people.”
“Really? How so?”
“I’ll show you.” Desiree spent a few moments looking for the right video until her face lit up when she found the one she wanted. When she hit play, a younger version of Jace came into view. His short blond hair was longer in the video and ran down to his chin. He was wearing a purple glittery fedora with a shining silver and purple shirt, ripped faded jeans and black boots. He even wore a black fingerless glove on his right hand and a silver wristband on the other.
The crowd cheered and Jace waved to them all with a huge smile on his face, guitar strapped to his back. A smile I hadn’t seen on Jace yet, but hoped to one day see it up close. He was more beautiful with that smile and my heart swelled.
“He certainly looked the part,” I said with a chuckle.
“I helped design his outfit,” Desiree said with a smile then paused the video. “He was about seventeen when this competition happened. Riley was overseas so he wasn’t able to make it. I recorded it so he’d be able to watch it when he got home.”
When Desiree hit the play button on her Kindle, the video started back up and Jace took a seat on the stool that was center stage as the crowd cheered for him. Swinging his guitar to the front and adjusting the two mics that stood beside him, one close to his guitar and one to near his mouth, Jace silently took a deep breath and addressed the crowd as they quieted down.
“Thank you all so much for being here,” Jace said. “I’m Jace Garrison and I’ll be performing an original song.”
The crowd cheered some more before Jace continued.
“I thought long and hard about what kind of song to perform for you all. A song that would be worthy of the trophy that would be presented to the winner. When I got my answer, I realized that the trophy didn’t matter anymore. It came to mean much more than this contest.”
I turned to steal a glance at Desiree who was glued to the screen before drawing my attention back to it. I was intrigued by the song Jace would be performing. He mentioned that music was like a story, an artist’s personal diary that had the power to influence others. That the lyrics could hold a message. What would his say?
“Over the last few years, the LGBT community lost a lot of its members because they felt the need to take their own lives. Either they were bullied to the point where they couldn’t take it anymore, they didn’t feel the love and support they needed or reasons that remained unknown to their loved ones. As I researched several suicide victims, I learned that the oldest member I found was twenty-five years old. The youngest was only nine.”
My jaw dropped at the knowledge. As much as my family’s rejection hurt me, I never once considered taking my own life. To hear that victims that young felt that death was a better option than to keep living was heartbreaking. How much pain could a fucking nine-year-old go through to decide something like that?
Jace in the video took a deep breath before continuing. “I saw videos of their families crying, wishing there was more they could’ve done. Wishing that the son or daughter they lost knew how much they were loved. It’s why I wrote this song. It’s my way of telling those we’ve lost that very message. This song is called Gone But Not Forgotten.”
Jace began to play the intro to his original song on the guitar before sucking in a deep breath and began to sing. Closing my eyes, I focused all my senses on my hearing. I wanted to hear the words he wrote himself. The story behind his song.
You were far too young, for your life to end.
You have left behind, family and friends.
We all question why you were hurt so bad.
We wished we could help, keep who we once had.
We didn't hear your cry for help.
We didn't know you fell apart.
I hope you know that we miss you.
You know you’re always in our hearts.
You are gone, but not forgotten.
We know you're in a better place.
Where you're happy and you're safe.
Baby, you are gone, but not forgotten.
Our love will always be with you.
We'll meet again someday soon.
Darling, you are gone, but not forgotten.
Never forgotten.
When Jace finished the song, the crowd’s cheering grew louder than it first started. It only lasted about a second before the video ended.
My eyes were still glued to the screen as they stung with unshed tears. Jace’s song was the most beautiful thing I’d ever heard. The crowd should’ve cheered as loud as they did, maybe even louder. Now I understood what Riley meant when he said Jace’s music could impact people’s lives. With songs like that with real deep meanings behind them, Jace really did have the power to influence others.
“Please tell me Jace won that competition. Otherwise I’m seriously calling that bullshit or discrimination toward the gays,” I said to Desiree hoping like Hell he did win.
“He did,” Desiree said with a laugh. “It was what got him a scholarship to Juilliard.”
“Then why did he give it up?”
Desiree closed up her Kindle and dropped her gaze. “Riley was the one who taught Jace how to play the guitar and piano. From there, Jace wanted to learn everything about music. Riley always told him that if you really love music, learn everything you can about the art itself. Learn multiple instruments. Learn to read music. Learn how to sing and dance. Make yourself more valuable if you want to pursue a career in music.
“From there, Jace learned as much as he could, absorbing all his knowledge like a sponge. He took singing lessons, attended choir classes in school, took dance lessons, learned to read sheet music. Jace lived and breathed music.”
I finally understood why Jace gave it up then. “Riley was the reason Jace began his musical journey, and now that he’s gone, Jace feels like he can’t continue.”
Desiree nodded. “When Riley died, Jace said he lost his muse. He couldn’t hear the music in his head anymore, so he packed everything up. I tried talking him out of it, but I knew his mind was made up. There wasn’t anything I could do.”
I couldn’t take it any longer. I didn’t know if I was about to make a huge mistake or not, but I didn’t care. I got up from my spot on the couch and grabbed my car keys from the hook by the front door and put on my shoes.
“Where are you going?” Desiree asked, looking puzzled.
“I’m going to see Jace. I need to talk to him.”
Desiree’s eyes widened in shock. “Really? Why?”
“Because I can’t just stand by and watch him fall apart. The way he is now isn’t who he’s supposed to be.” I paused so I could try to tame my racing heart. “Maybe I’m overstepping my boundaries, but I have to try reaching out to him. He’s dying inside, Desiree. I can see it. And I can’t go to Riley’s memorial without making an attempt to bring back the son he left behind. I want to be able to tell Riley that I brought a smile back in Jace’s life. That I brought music back into his life. I have to try.”
Desiree’s eyes swelled as tears trailed down her rosey cheeks. She got up from her seat walking toward me and wrapped her arms around me in a tight embrace. “Thank you. You’re a good man, Gerard,” Desiree said with a genuine smile. “I believe if anybody can break Jace out of the funk he’s in, it’s you.”
“I’ll do my best,” I assured her.
“The place is called Malcolm’s Bike Rental. Good luck.”
My heart filled with a sense of pride knowing that Desiree believed in me. It made me all the more resolved to do everything in my power to reach out to Jace. The young man was already holding my attention in more ways than one, and I wanted to show him he could at least lean on me w
hen he needed a shoulder to cry on. If nothing else, I wanted to be his friend. With that in mind, I walked out of the house and got into my car. I programmed Malcolm’s Bike Rental into my GPS and once I got the directions, I started the car and made my way to Jace.
Jace
“Jace, are you okay?” my boss Malcolm asked me for the millionth time since I’d come into work that morning. If he was going to keep asking me the same damn question over and over again, he could’ve at least recorded it so he could save his breath.
“Yes, Malcolm, I’m just peachy,” I retorted after yawning for the twentieth time in five minutes.
After my awkward confrontation with Gerard and reliving some of my Youtube memories, I’d tried my hardest to put my stress behind me and get some sleep. I didn’t sleep a wink. My mind was a jumbled up mess, and it wouldn’t shut down. Before I knew it, it was already time for me to get up to go to work.
I could’ve easily called out, saying that I wasn’t feeling well, and Malcolm would’ve let me stay home, but that wasn’t my style. I’d never once missed a day of work, even when I was sick. I always strived to be reliable and responsible, just like my dad taught me.
Malcolm reached out to cup my chin, turning my face to look into his green eyes. “Dude, you’ve got dark circles under your eyes. Have you not been getting any sleep?”
“I usually do, but yesterday was…complicated.”
“Oh? Does it have anything to do with your new house guest?”
My eyes widened. “How did you know about that?”
Malcolm chuckled. “Patricia called me and probably a dozen more people about Gerard Ramhart being in town. I always wondered when we’d get the chance to meet him.”
Of course she called everyone about Gerard being in town. Chances were high on him being harassed by multiple townspeople. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me that she told Malcolm about Gerard being in town. In fact, I’d have been surprised if she didn’t. Gerard had never been to Abingdon before, so this would be everybody’s first time meeting the man they’d only heard about.
Thinking about the hot man who was staying at my house caused my cheeks to heat up. I was still beating myself up for how I retreated from Gerard when he brought up Juilliard. I didn’t want Gerard to look at me the way other older men looked at me. I didn’t want him to think I was weak, or that I was too young to look after myself. I wanted to show him that I was an adult who could handle his business.
“Jace? Are you still with me, buddy?” Malcolm asked waving his hand in front of my face. “You kind of zoned out on me.”
I shook my head to snap myself back to the present and focused on the older man in front of me. “Sorry.”
“No worries. So, tell me about him.”
“About who?”
Malcolm frowned. “Who do you think? About Gerard, of course. What’s he like? Is he a good guy? How long is he staying? What’s going on?”
I groaned, too exhausted to deal with this. “Malcolm, I don’t want to talk about it, okay? I already had to do this with Patricia.”
“Sure, but you know you can talk to me whenever you want. I’m here for you, you know that.”
I nodded, because I did. Malcolm Hew was the only other gay man I knew in Abingdon, other than myself and Adam. When I first struggled with my sexuality, Malcolm was the first person I confided to, knowing full well he wouldn’t judge me since he also shared the same attraction for men. For a man in his forties, he was totally gorgeous. Light brown hair spiked up and styled, a thick beard that wrapped from the sides of his face and around his chin, green eyes that always had a seductive gleam in them, a body that was made to worship and a southern charm that always made me picture him as a cowboy.
As much as I hated to admit it, Malcolm would’ve been someone I could picture being with Gerard. Both older men with good heads on their shoulders. Not too young and naïve like I was. I was torn between wanting them to meet, and me wanting to keep Gerard as far away from Malcolm as possible. I knew I was being ridiculous.
Was it jealousy? Was I jealous of the simple idea of Malcolm and Gerard being together? Hell yeah, I was, but I had no right to be. Gerard wasn't even mine, so why the fuck should I care who Gerard slept with? Except I wanted Gerard to sleep with me. I had it bad for him and I knew I was treading on dangerous grounds. How mentally sick could I be for crushing on a man who was imtimate with my dad? I shouldn’t be thinking of Gerard that way, yet the ache in my pants at that moment told a different story. Part of the reason why I had trouble sleeping was because Gerard was all I dreamt about. His hands on my face, his breath tickling my skin, his lips on mine, his cock in my ass. Holy shit, I needed to get a grip. Nothing was going to happen between Gerard and I, and the sooner I realized that the better. So why was my heart arguing with me about that.
“Bluejay, can you hear me? You zoned out again!” Malcolm called through my thoughts.
My face turned a deeper shade of red, and I had to clear my throat before speaking. “I’m fine,” I mumbled.
Malcolm looked me over in concern. “Jace, maybe you should go home and get some rest. You look like shit.”
I shook my head in protest. No way in hell was I going home so early.
“Talk to me, buddy. What’s going on? Is Gerard giving you trouble?”
Before I could attempt to respond, the front door opened and a couple of hikers who rented bikes earlier in the day stepped in, ready to return them.
“Oh look, customers. Let me see if they need help,” I quickly spat out before rushing out from around the counter to greet our visitors.
“We’re not done with this conversation, Bluejay!”
“Yes, we are!”
Luckily I kept myself busy for the next hour dealing with customers. The ones who were returning the bikes they rented I’d asked them if they enjoyed their trip. I would then listen to their stories about riding the trails and up the mountains. It was one of my favorite parts of the job because I knew full well how beautiful the trails were, given that I used to go camping out there and would sometimes go for jogs. Some of the customers would ask if there were sturdier bikes than the ones they previously rented and I would help them look for ones that better suited them for next time.
Malcolm didn’t bother asking me more questions about Gerard, which I was very grateful for. I didn’t want to tell him about my sudden interest toward the older man. Wait, would me wanting Gerard be considered incest? Probably not, since he wasn’t my family. Even so, he was with my dad. They kissed, they had sex, they were lovers.
Would Gerard even want me? I mean, would there have been a possiblity? What if we had met under different circumstances, like if he never dated my dad and we met by sheer coincidence. And what if we dated, and he realized that I could never compare to what he had with my dad.
Dad was a lot older than me, more experienced, and wiser. I was practically still a kid. Yes, I’m classified as an adult, but not compared to someone as old as him or even Malcolm. Maybe Malcolm would be better suited for Gerard, but I didn’t want him to be.
I saw the front door open from the corner of my eye, but I didn’t acknowledge it right away. I was in the middle of helping a customer rent out a bike for the trail. Once I had the gentleman fill out the necessary paperwork and got the bike ready, the athletic-looking man took the bike and left the shop. I turned my head to watch him leave, and once I did, I saw Gerard standing by the door.
He was in a white button-up shirt with blue jeans and black tennis shoes. He looked at me with a gentle smile, and it made my heart flutter like a little kid who found his first crush. The man was truly a work of art, and I wanted to run my hands along his body to properly memorize every detail of him.
I stood there stupidly, in the center of the shop, as the front door closed, and Gerard stepped up to me. His brown eyes pierced through mine and it was like he had an entryway into my very soul. His smile was like a warm fire on a frozen winter night. Gerard Ramhart
entranced me, and that terrified me.
Gerard
I knew I was taking a huge gamble showing up to Jace’s work unannounced. I didn’t give myself much time to think about what I was doing before I was rushing out the door and making my way to the bike rental shop. All I knew was I needed to see Jace.
After my conversation with Desiree, I felt more determined to reach out to Jace. Everything about him from his eyes, to his posture, to his quick retreats were cries for help. Jace needed liberation. He needed to find relief.
I knew I was more than likely crossing so many lines by getting involved. I wasn’t even sure Jace would accept my help. But after getting a glimpse of what Jace’s life could’ve been and what it was at that moment, I knew I had to do something. I’d been in Jace’s shoes and I didn’t want him going through what I did. I wasn’t going to let that happen to him. I owed Riley that much.
When I first met Riley, he told me all about his divorce and how he was just enjoying the single life raising his son with his sister. Next thing I knew he had asked me out and I didn’t know whether or not to take him seriously. Riley knew I was gay, but I never knew he was until that night. After a while and Riley constantly trying to get me to at least give him a chance, I relented. It took about a month or two after agreeing to be Riley’s boyfriend for me to calm down and enjoy having a man who wanted me. It was something I never had the privilege of experiencing.
Being overseas a lot, I never imagined having a long-term relationship. When I came home on R&R, I would have occasional hookups to satisfy my needs, but that was about it. I never had anybody waiting at home for me with open arms. Nobody to warm the bed with me. Nobody to have lazy days with or cook meals for. It was a lonely life, but it was my life. A life I chose to gain my parents’ respect.
When Riley and I started dating, I let myself imagine a future with him in it. One where we’d live in a nice house with a dog or two, a privacy fence and even Jace either living with us or him coming by for visits. I would be out back on the grill, our dogs running around. Riley and Jace would be bonding. I even imagined giving Jace a baby brother or sister.
