by J M Wolf
After what seemed like forever, Gerard returned from the bathroom and took his seat.
“Sorry for the delay,” he said with a smile.
“It’s fine,” I replied, not bothering to meet his eyes as I spoke.
A few seconds later, Jenny came by with our drinks and took our order. I ordered the burger and fries, while Gerard ordered himself the steak. When Jenny finished writing down our order, she turned and left us alone.
Things were awkward between Gerard and I. I could tell he wanted to say something and I wasn’t sure if I could handle what it may be. Part of me feared that he would reject the idea of us being anything more than just…what? Friends? Accquaintences? We were barely anything to each other. If I ever hoped to be a part in Gerard’s life, I needed to step up and make an attempt.
I cleared my throat and asked, “Are you still in the military?”
Gerard looked up at me puzzled, and I wondered if he even heard me. Then he said, “No. I retired earlier this year.”
“Oh, so what do you do now?”
“A buddy of mine owns a mechanic shop so I’ve been helping him out. It’s a simple job, but it’s something I enjoy.”
A grease monkey? That’s kind of hot. I could totally imagine Gerard coming home with grease stains all over his hands and clothes, smelling like motor oil and smoke. He’d be all dirty and covered in sweat and…dammit, now my dick found a new wet dream.
Squirming into my seat I simply said, “That’s cool.”
“Jace?”
“Yeah?”
Oh God, was this the part where he’d tell me that nothing could happen between us? Please, no.
“Um…I wanted to ask more about your music. I know last time I brought it up you kind of shut down, so I don’t want to bring it up if it bothers you that much. But your father always talked about it and it fascinated me a great deal. I never met anyone who’s as passionate as you are with your music.”
Now I felt like a complete ass. Of course Gerard would want to know about my music, and I hated that he felt the need to ask me for permission to talk to me about it. Here I was worrying about whether or not I could have something with Gerard and he was being cautious about what he could talk to me about. How could I expect to have any kind of relationship if I couldn’t communicate more?
I sighed at my utter stupidity and said, “Ask away.”
“You sure?”
I nodded.
“Okay, when did you really start to have a passion for music?”
“When I was three,” I said smiling at the fond memories that were playing in my head. “Dad was playing on the piano and Mom was out doing God knows what. I remember loving how the piano sounded. So soft, so relaxing and so very beautiful. Dad noticed my interest and sat me on his lap while he continued playing. He began showing me the sounds each key made, and next thing I knew, he taught me to play.”
“That’s amazing,” Gerard said in awe.
“It was. Ever since then, music became the thing he and I bonded over. I never got along with my mom so it was always Dad and I. He always told me that if I loved music and I wanted to be a musician when I grew up, I shouldn’t limit myself to just one thing. Learn about music in general. Make myself more valuable.
“From then, I continued learning the piano, but also learned to play the guitar. I started going to choir classes, I took dance lessons, I learned how to read and write music, and it was like the more I learned, the more I wanted to see how far I could go with it.”
Gerard stared at me with such fondness as I spoke, like he was entranced by what I had to say. Words could never fully describe how much my music meant to me, what it gave me that I never had growing up. A voice. A way to express myself. A way to tell my story.
My drive and love for music also inspired Adam to become a singer. Together, we pushed ourselves day in and day out as the years went by. It was during my senior year of high school that Adam and I felt all our hard work paid off when we discovered that we were both granted scholarships to attend Juilliard. It was a dream come true, and my dad and Desiree were beyond proud of me. Hell, I was fucking proud to have come as far as I had.
As I continued talking about it, I was hit with the reminder that I gave it all up. The realization stung, but I tried my best to push it back because this was something Gerard wanted to know about me. And dammit all, I wanted him to know about this side of me.
“You know your eyes light up when you talk about your music,” Gerard purred.
I felt my face flush with embarrassment. “Thanks. Music does mean a lot to me.”
“I can tell. Your aunt mentioned how you got into music, but hearing it from you was even better, because I got to hear the passion in your voice. I also figured that your father’s passing was the reason you gave it up, right?”
I knew we were getting deeper and deeper into the more serious questions and I could feel my anxiety spiking, but I wasn’t going to clam up now. Swallowing the lump that was forming in my throat, I nodded. “Dad was the one who brought music into my life. When he died, so did my muse. It’s hard to explain, but I just couldn’t find the desire to perform anymore. I couldn’t feel the music in me anymore.”
“No I get it. When he died I felt like my dreams died along with him too.”
“Your dreams?” I asked.
“Yeah. I always had this dream of finally settling down with the right guy. Getting married, and having a house of our own. I felt that I could have that with your dad. I was loving the possibility of sharing my life with him. But then he was taken away from me, from us.” Gerard’s voice broke at that last statement and it made my heart drop.
Gerard missed my dad. So did I. It really was unfair that his life had ended when there were so many people in the world who should’ve been the one to go instead of him. My father’s death affected Gerard the same way it did me. Two men whose dreams faded the moment Riley Garrison was no more.
I didn’t know what possessed me to do it, but next thing I knew I reached out and covered his hand with mine. Gerard looked down at our joined hands before staring up at me in bewilderment.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“Me too,” Gerard croaked as he fingers laced in with mine, tightening our hold.
We remained silent for another couple minutes until Jenny returned with our food and asked if we needed anything else. When we told her no, she left us to our meal, and I dove into my burger.
“Did you ever finish your schooling at Juilliard?” Gerard asked.
My body stiffened instantly. I was wondering when the subject of Juilliard would come up. Was I ready to talk about what happened there? About Brett?
“No,” I sighed. “I uh, dropped out.”
“Because of your father’s passing?”
I shook my head. “No, I dropped out a year before that happened.”
“What? Why?”
There it was. The question that everybody had asked me when I left, and a question I’d yet to answer to anybody fully. I never told anyone about my relationship with my professor, or the shit I went through because of it. It was too humiliating, and I couldn’t stand to see the look of disgust or disappointment on anyone’s faces over my poor choices. It was bad enough disappointing my dad and Desiree when I told them I dropped out. Telling them why would’ve nearly killed me.
But when I started my first year and met Brett as one of my professors, that was the beginning of the end for everything I worked to accomplish. My life, my dignity, my scholarship, and my dreams. They all died the second the hot professor made a pass at me, and I didn’t turn him down.
“Let’s just say I made some poor choices,” I mumbled taking another sip of my drink.
“I assume you don’t want to talk about it?” Gerard asked.
I shook my head.
Gerard nodded, but didn’t say anything, and I was grateful for that. We remained silent for another seven minutes until Jenny returned and asked if we needed an
ything else. When we told her no, she left us to finish our meal.
“Would you ever let me listen to some of your songs?” Gerard asked.
I froze in mid-bite of my burger. “Excuse me?” I asked.
“Your songs. Would you ever let me hear some of your songs? I’m curious about them.”
My eyebrows shot up to my hairline. “You want to hear my music?”
Gerard set his fork and steak knife down and leaned over the table closer to me. “I do. I want to hear and feel what your songs say about you. Your father once told me your music had the power to influence people, to change their lives. The way you talked about your music has also deepened my interest. I want to know who you are in the music world. I want to hear your story.”
I was stunned by Gerard’s answer. It wasn’t the first time having people ask to listen to my work, but nobody had expressed the same reason as Gerard. He wanted more than to listen to my music. He wanted to hear my story. But was I able to give in to his request? Would I have the courage to sing or write again?
Gerard smiled at the surprised look on my face. “So, will you let me?”
“We’ll see,” I finally said, then let the subject drop.
After that, we continued with our dinner and making small talk and getting to know one another. I told Gerard about my childhood, and how close my dad and I were. Gerard in return informed me that he was forty-one years old, born and raised in Tampa, Florida, he had a younger brother named Jerrick who was currently in culinary school, and both of his parents were still alive and not very accepting of Gerard being gay.
“I can’t imagine my dad not accepting me for being gay. I think I would’ve died inside,” I said as I finished off what was left of my fries.
“Oh, I did die inside. It’s why I enlisted and became a SEAL. It was a family tradition, and I hoped it would help me get my parents’ respect again.”
“And did it?”
Gerard shrugged. “In a way, it did, but it was also what broke whatever bond my brother and I shared. He thinks I’m a sellout.”
“Well, in a way you kind of are, Gerard. I mean, I understand why you did it, but at the end of the day, it’s your life, not theirs. Being a Navy SEAL should’ve been something you did for you, not for your parents’ approval.”
Gerard nodded in agreement. “I know that now. Your father used to say the same thing. In the end, I was glad to have enlisted because I got the chance to meet him, your aunt and you.”
“You’re glad to have met me? Why?” I asked.
When the check finally came, Gerard took it and handed the bill and his debit card to Jenny. When she left to cash him out, Gerard turned back to me
“Jace, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to meet you and your aunt. I’ve dreamed of it ever since your father told me he loved me.”
My jaw hung open as Jenny returned with Gerard’s card and receipt for him to sign. Gerard wrote his signature down and tipped Jenny before getting up from his chair. I followed his lead. I distinctly heard Jenny telling us to have a good night, but I was still in awe by how much Gerard wanted to meet me and Desiree. It showed how serious his relationship with Dad was. It showed the realness of the dream he wanted.
“You guys were in love,” I said softly.
Gerard turned to me and gave me a sorrowful smile. “We were. I loved him, Jace. I loved him very much. At first, I was unsure if having a relationship with your father was a good idea, but he assured me that it was what he wanted.”
“You were hesitant about being with my dad?”
Gerard nodded. “I was worried about what it would do to you, and what you would think about me if I agreed to be with your father. I’d heard about your mother and I didn’t want you thinking that I’d be out to hurt him, or you.”
“You didn’t hurt me, and if anything I wanted to meet you too. It’d been forever since I’d seen Dad smile, but once he started telling me about you, I started to see a glow coming off him. He was happy, Gerard. He was happy because of you, and that made me happy.”
Gerard stared at me in silence, but I could see the emotions written in his eyes.
I meant what I said even though my heart constricted knowing that I may not have been able to compete with what Gerard had with Dad. How could I? They were grown adults and roughly around the same age. I was a college drop out who was unstable.
“Thank you, Jace,” Gerard said in a low tone. “I can’t tell you how much it meant to me to hear that from you.”
Gerard wrapped an arm around my shoulder and led me out of the restaurant. I instinctively wrapped one around his waist enjoying the feel of his body pressed against mine. I wanted more, so much more. The dinner date was perfect and for once I wasn’t dreading over the loss of my father or my dreams. I was able to relax and enjoy being with someone. I had a small taste of what it felt like to live again.
“Gerard,” I began as my eyes stared right into his, as serious as I could be. “Can I ask you something?”
We stopped in front of Gerard’s car when he unwrapped his arm from around me then turned to face me fully. “Sure, what is it?”
So, I asked him. I asked the one question that had been haunting me since the moment I laid eyes on him. I knew I was taking a risk, but we were on a time limit. He would be leaving after the memorial. I just needed to know if there was a future for us.
“Would you…” I stopped and took a deep breath. “Would you ever consider the possibility of…of us being together? Like a relationship?”
Gerard
I wish I knew what to say to him. What was I supposed to tell him? Of all the things Jace could’ve asked me, a chance at a relationship wasn’t one of them.
When I asked Jace to dinner I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, but I decided to go along with it since Jace already said yes. I was nervous, but anxious at the prospect of spending time with Bluejay, just him and I. Things were going well. We managed to get to know one another, and Jace seemed more willing to talk more about his music than the previous night.
I wasn’t expecting to open up about my own dream of one day settling down, but Jace was just so easy to talk to. I found that I was able to confide in him about my relationship with Riley and the hurt I felt about his passing because Jace understood it. He didn’t hesitate to tell me that I needed to live for myself, and the fact he was happy that I was able to bring joy and love into his father’s life warmed my heart.
Now here we stood in the parking lot and the tension had risen. I knew what happened back at the house would come back to bite me in the ass. I knew I read Jace right. I could see the desire, the hunger, in his eyes. He wanted me and he hoped I wanted him. The problem was that Jace was someone I shouldn’t have.
“Jace…” I began.
“Gerard wait,” Jace cut in placing both hands on my chest.
I didn’t miss how my skin tingled under Jace’s touch, even through the fabric of my shirt. I wanted to lay my hands against his. I wanted to feel that embrace that I could tell Jace wanted, maybe even needed. I just couldn’t give it to him.
“I know you’re probably going to reject me, I can see it in the way you said my name. Look I know it may be too soon to consider a relationship, that’s why I was asking if maybe there was some possibility of one day having one? I mean, I know I’m just a broken kid and you probably only see me as your dead lover’s son, but—”
“Hey now,” I chided in placing my hands on top of his like I wanted to. “That is not true. You are not a broken kid, Jace. You’re a handsome young man with an amazing talent, and a beautiful and loving personality. Don’t ever think I see you as broken.”
Jace looked up to face me with heavy emotions in his eyes, and my heart broke seeing it.
“Then why?” he croaked.
Dammit, even though I hadn’t rejected him, he already knew. Seeing him like that made me want to wrap him in my arms and protect him. There was a tugging in my heart that was urging me to tell him yes,
there was a possibility of us being together; but something was holding me back. The love I had for Riley, the eight months we shared together, and the fact this was his son I was looking at, were what was holding me back.
I couldn’t deny that a part of me wanted Jace. I knew it the moment we met when our hands touched and we felt that spark of electricity. I knew it earlier that day when we almost kissed. It would be so easy for me to lose myself in Jace’s embrace, but I couldn’t.
Squeezing his hands in mine, I prepared myself to do what I had to. “Jace, it wouldn’t be right. Your father was the man I wanted to marry. That in itself is a recipe for disaster. He was someone I planned on asking to marry me, and if that happened you would’ve been my stepson. It’s wrong. It’s not that I don’t find you beautiful, but it just wouldn’t work between us. I’m so sorry, Jace.”
I could practically see the disappointment coming off of Jace. I turned him down and gave him no hope. I felt the urge to hold him and comfort him in any way I could, but I didn’t think he would welcome my touch at the moment.
“Are you okay?” I asked, knowing full well that it was dumb to ask, but I didn’t know what else to say to the young man.
And there I saw it with my own eyes. Jace pulling his sorrow in and taking a deep breath to keep meeting my eyes again with a fake smile.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s just get home, okay?” he said in a false cheer.
The mask he was now wearing to hide from me destroyed my already fragile heart, and I knew I was the cause of it. “Bluejay—”
“Come on, before Desiree worries about us,” Jace quipped pulling his hands free from mine and waiting by the passenger side door.
I sighed looked down at the ground and nodded. Our nice dinner was now over; and I just fucked up Jace’s evening. We both got inside and I started the engine and proceeded to make our way back to the house.
The drive home was eerily quiet, and I stole glances at Jace from time to time to see how he was doing. He just sat there staring ahead like a statue, completely oblivious to everything around him. I hated the fact that I was the one who did that to him. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I couldn’t let him get his hopes up.
