by J M Wolf
Ten agonizing minutes later, we finally arrived in front of his aunt’s house. Once I got the car into park, Jace wasted no time unbuckling his seatbelt and stormed off toward the house. I quickly did the same and hurried after him.
As soon as Jace got the front door open we were instantly greeted by Desiree who was on the couch in her pajamas, reading a book.
“Hey guys, how was dinner?” Desiree began to ask with a smile, but it quickly turned into concern when she saw the look on Jace’s face.
“It was great, thanks,” Jace quickly said then high tailed it upstairs into his room.
Desiree’s mouth hung open in surprise, and she turned to look my way. “What happened?”
I didn’t dare meet her eyes as I said, “There was a misunderstanding, and I think I might have made his condition worse.”
Jace
I was such an idiot. I couldn’t believe that I made a complete fool of myself in front of Gerard. Of course, he’d never look past me being his boyfriend’s son. How could he? I was the spitting image of Dad. I knew he was technically right, that being in a relationship would make things complicated, but I was willing to try to overcome them. I didn’t care who he was with, I only cared about him.
There were so many things I wanted to do once I was safe in the solitude of my bedroom. I wanted to scream, to cry, to fucking crawl under a rock and die. Instead I sat on my bed mending a broken heart.
Hearing Gerard talk about how much he loved Dad and his dream of settling down made me want that. I wanted the feeling of settling down with someone I could see myself with. I wanted to grow old with someone, have a house and kids. For the first time since leaving Brett’s clutches, I wanted that. And I was hoping Gerard was it for me. The one to share that with. The one who’d help me learn how to fly.
Thinking of that phrase learn how to fly made me look at the flock of blue birds tattooed on my wrist. I remembered the reason I got it. It was a reminder of something Dad had told me after my mom left.
One day, something or someone will heavily impact your life; that’ll make you feel like you’ve found your forever. And when that day comes, you’ve learned how to fly.
I never knew what he meant that day, but as I got older I realized what he was trying to tell me. Being able to learn how to fly means to leave the past behind you. To fly away and never having to look back because you know where your destination is. To fly toward the future.
I thought back to when Dad told me he found the one who helped him learn how to fly. The day he told me about Gerard. It was a day I’d never forget because it was another day that brought us closer together, and the day I learned about Gerard Ramhart.
“Can I talk to you for a minute, Bluejay?” Dad asked me when he stepped into the kitchen.
I put away what was left of the dishes I’d cleaned up then turned to face him, leaning against the wall. “Sure, what’s up?”
Dad stood tall and proud like the brave soldier he was, but even I could feel the nerves radiating off him.
“Well, no sense in beating around the bush. I’ve been seeing someone for a couple of months now.”
My eyes widened by the startling news. My dad hadn’t been with anyone since my mom left when I was nine, so the idea that he was finally dating again was hard to process.
“Seriously?” I asked trying to make sure this wasn’t some joke.
Dad nodded.
“Wow, I honestly don’t know what to say. Um, congratulations. I’m happy for you,” I said chuckling nervously.
“You’re not upset about me dating again?” Dad asked.
I reached inside the cabinet above my head pulling out a cup and filling it with water.
“Why would I be upset about that? You deserve to have someone. Lord knows Desiree and I have been trying to get you to go out for some time now. So, who is she?”
Dad chewed on his lower lip, unsure of what to say next. “Well, the thing is that…”
I ushered Dad to get to the point. “Go on. Who is she? I mean you’re not back together with Mom, are you?”
Dad’s nose crinkled at that assumption. “What? Oh, Hell no. Not even if the human race depended on it.”
I laughed. “Then who is she?”
“Well, his name is Gerard.”
I was in mid-drink when he said that, and once my brain processed that Dad said his name, I spit out the water I was consuming.
Dad rushed over to be patting my back as I coughed out my lungs. Once I felt like I could breathe again, I looked up at him with wide eyes. “Gerard? You’re seeing a guy?”
Dad straightened his posture and stepped back. “Yeah, about that. Um, I’m gay.”
“You’re what?”
“I’m gay, Bluejay. Just like you.”
I was have having trouble processing what my dad was confessing. He’s coming out to me? He’s gay?
“But…But you were with my mom.”
Dad frowned at me. “Yes, I was with your mother. Just like you had girlfriends before you came out to me. It just took me a lot longer than you to realize the truth.”
Dad had a point there, but it just felt so unreal. Of all the things Dad could’ve told me, him being gay was not what I expected. It didn’t bother me as long as he was happy. I was just in shock.
“You’re serious.”
Dad nodded.
I set my cup down on the counter then walked up to him and hugged him. “I’m glad you told me. I’m glad that you found yourself.”
Dad wrapped his bulky arms around me and kissed my temple. “You want to see what he looks like?”
“Heck yeah, I do,” I beamed.
Dad and I went to sit on the couch, then he pulled out his phone scrolling to a picture before handing it to me.
“Wow, he’s hot!” I said.
And he was. Tanned skin, dark hair and eyes, strong build, thick beard. Gerard was fucking sexy as Hell. Dammit, why did my dad had to get him and not me?
“He is, isn’t he?” Dad smiled with affection. “We were bunkmates overseas.”
“Well if he ever gets tired of your old self, can I have him?” I asked smirking like an imp.
Dad laughed and shoved me away. “Listen here, you little shit. Just because I’ve joined the gay club, doesn’t mean you and I will be fighting over men. Go find your own super-hot boyfriend.”
I chuckled with him before I quieted down, and asked, “Is he it for you? The one who helped you learn how to fly.”
All traces of humor died, but my father still held a glowing smile that made my heart soar. “Yeah, I believe so, Jace. I really do.”
“Looks like he will forever be yours, Dad,” I muttered to myself.
A knock on my bedroom door caught my attention, followed by Gerard’s voice.
“Jace? Can I talk to you?” Gerard asked.
“We have nothing to talk about,” I replied keeping my voice calm.
“I think we do, so can I please come in?”
“If I say no, are you going to keep standing there until I say yes?” I asked, though I felt sure I already knew the answer to that question.
“Yep,” Gerard replied quickly.
I knew it. I got off the bed and went to the door, opening it a crack to see the dark-haired man who both irritated and secretly fascinated me. “What is it, Gerard?”
“I just wanted to make sure you were okay with everything that happened today. I know things got a little awkward after dinner, and you seemed upset. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“But you don’t seem fine.”
I leaned against the doorframe scowling at the man. “Excuse me? What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“I means that I know you like to keep things to yourself. You’ve been bottling up your emotions and sooner or later it’s going to make you go insane. Jace, I don’t want that for you. I want to help you.”
“I don’t need your help,” I snapped at him, because who th
e fuck did he think he was trying to tell me I wasn’t okay. “I don’t need anyone’s help. I said I’m fine, Gerard.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“I don’t care if you believe me or not!” I shouted feeling my frustrations growing and my anxiety spiking.
“Jace, I—"
“Gerard!” I shouted, and Gerard’s mouth quickly shut. I had just about enough of this arguing back and forth. I didn’t need this shit on top of everything else I had going on. I needed Gerard to leave me the fuck alone. “Stop! I told you nothing is wrong. I’m fine. Now, if there’s nothing else you need from me, then I need to get some sleep. I have work in the morning. Good night.”
I started to slam the door in Gerard’s face, but he quickly slapped his palm against the door, preventing it from closing. I gasped at the sudden halt and stood there petrified. Gerard’s expression held no traces of anger. In fact, he was calm.
Gerard let out a long sigh before lifting his chocolate brown eyes to meet mine. “Jace, listen to me. I’m not your enemy. I know you’re upset with me right now, but I swear I just want to help. Your aunt told me you’ve yet to properly grieve over your father’s death, and that worries me. I saw how you swallowed up your disappointment at dinner and played it off like it didn’t bother you.”
Gerard lifted his free hand to cup the right side of my face. His thumb was gently brushing my cheek. “I can see it in your eyes, Jace. You’re keeping your feelings bottled up, and that’s dangerous. If you keep this up, you’re going to lose your mind. Jace, please talk to me. Let me help you.”
My breathing grew frantic the more Gerard spoke. He was right. I hadn’t grieved over losing my dad yet, and it was frustrating. I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come. Gerard was offering me the chance to confide in him, but I was constantly fighting it.
On the one hand I wanted to push him out the door, but on the other hand, I wanted his fucking tree trunks for arms around me, and to never let me go. Maybe I was losing my mind already. All I knew was that I was tired, so tired of everything. I was tired of struggling with my emotions, tired of working myself to death so I wouldn’t have to dwell on my shitty-ass life, tired of stressing over what couldn’t be changed. I was tired of life fucking with me.
The stress was overwhelming. My hands clutched tighter around the doorknob, and my brain was at war with my heart. To let him in, or not to let him in? Gerard stood there looking hopeful, patiently waiting for my response.
I finally let out a shaky breath and said, “There’s nothing to talk about. I’m fine, Gerard. Really.”
Gerard’s face sunk in defeat and my heart broke, begging my brain to reconsider its decision to stay quiet. It didn’t. “Jace—”
“Just go. Please,” I begged, hoping like hell he’d stop fighting with me.
Gerard dropped his hands and let out a long sigh. “Okay, but if you change your mind, I’ll be right next door. You’re more than welcome to talk to me anytime.”
I nodded.
“Good night, Jace,” Gerard mumbled then finally left toward his room.
“Night,” I whispered, then closed my bedroom door. Once I heard it click shut, I pressed my arms and forehead against the door, panting uncontrollably. Anxiety was rearing its ugly head. The pent-up emotions I desperately wanted to let out continued to stay locked up.
I hadn’t spoken to Gerard in three days. Three long days since our dinner and confrontation outside my bedroom. Thankfully, he was giving me space, and I appreciated that. Despite his pushiness I knew Gerard was right. At some point all of my bottled up emotions would explode and I would go insane. Hell, I was already halfway there.
During those three days, Patricia and Malcolm both must’ve seen my distress and constantly asked me what was wrong. When I tried telling them I was fine, they kept pushing for more. Jesus, why was everybody so pushy lately? Why couldn’t they all just leave me alone?
After my shift in Malcolm’s shop ended, I got into my truck and made my way home. When I turned the last corner and arrived at the house, Gerard was outside doing yard work. It looked like Desiree asked him to cut the hanging branches off the nearby tree and pile them on the corner of our sidewalk.
I meant to do that myself, but between the bike shop and helping Patricia, I never had the time. Another thing for me to feel guilty about. Him taking care of things around the house when I should’ve been the one to do it.
Gerard was in the process of yanking a loose branch off the tree when he noticed my approach and looked in my direction. He was wearing a black muscle shirt with worn-out jeans and a pair of Aunt Desiree’s gardening gloves to protect his hands. He was drenched with sweat from working out in the hot sun, and I nearly gagged when I felt the urge to get close enough to lick the sweat off him. God, I was so pathetic.
His biceps glistened in the sunlight, and I could see the faintest trails of hair along his chest where the shirt didn’t cover. I looked into the man’s face, and his eyes still held the concern they had when he looked at me for the last couple of days
Gerard was kind, protective, caring, respectful and sexy as hell. Why did he have to be the whole package? Beautiful inside and out. Why couldn’t he be like most men, and have a flaw that would make him unattractive? Why was the universe taunting me by displaying the perfect man in front of me, knowing full well that I shouldn’t, couldn’t, and wouldn’t have him?
“Hey,” Gerard said so quietly that I almost didn’t hear him.
I gave him a slight wave and responded, “Hey.”
“How was work?”
“It was fine, I guess.”
“Oh, good.”
“Yep.” Okay, things were awkward between Gerard and me. “I see that Desiree put you to work.”
Gerard looked at the pile of branches he made and chuckled. “Yeah. They were starting to touch the ground so she asked if I could cut them down.”
“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to do that myself for a while, but time keeps getting away from me.”
“I understand. You work hard every day, but you can’t expect to do everything yourself.”
“Maybe, but it’s still my responsibility to look after the house and Desiree now that my father’s gone.”
“And who’s going to look after you while you’re carrying the world’s problems on your shoulders?”
I chuckled slightly. “I can’t expect anyone to look after me, nor do I want anybody to do so. I’m a grown man. I can look after myself.”
“Being a grown man doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have someone to lean on when life becomes too much to bear. It doesn’t make you less of a man to admit when you need help.”
“Yeah, well.” I looked toward the front door and then back to Gerard. “I’m going to head inside now.”
I managed to take ten steps before Gerard called my name. I paused in mid-stride, but I didn’t bother turning to face him.
“Are we…are we ever going to talk about what happened, Bluejay?” Gerard hesitantly asked.
I never realized how much I enjoyed hearing Gerard call me by my nickname. It was so simple, and yet it made my heart sing. I wanted to move past the commotion that took place after our date, but I didn’t know where to start.
Not sure what kind of answer to give him, I chose not to answer at all. Instead, I just continued to walk away until I managed to get inside the house. Desiree was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and as soon as she heard me closing the door behind me, she stopped everything she was doing and approached me.
“Hey honey,” Aunt Desiree said softly. “How was work?”
“Fine,” I muttered giving her a quick hug then went made for the stairs.
“Jace, hold on a second please,” Desiree called out.
I turned to face her. “Yeah?”
“Are you okay?”
Oh my fucking God.
“Why the fuck does everyone keep asking me that?” I snapped. “Why is everybody wanting to be all up in my business? I�
�m fine! Why can’t any of y’all see that?”
I didn’t realize my voice was growing in volume until Gerard ran inside wondering what all the commotion was about. Fuck, I didn’t want him to see me like this, but I was beginning to lose control. I needed to hide in my room. Now.
“Hey, we’re all just worried about,” Desiree retorted sounding hurt by my outburst. “We want to be here for you. You haven’t been yourself lately, Jace.”
Please Desiree, for the love of God just stop talking and leave me alone. My hands clenched into fists at my side and and I could feel my breathing growing heavy.
“Look, honey, I know losing your father hurt you. It hurt me too. But we can’t help you if –”
“SHUT UP!” I screamed. “Just shut up and leave me alone!”
I heard Desiree crying for me as I ran up the stairs and into my bedroom, slamming the door behind me.
I paced in my room trying to steady my pounding heart. I couldn’t slow it down. My breathing was coming out heavy and ragged. I was gripping my hair trying to force myself to calm the fuck down, but I could feel myself being pushed to the edge. Voices began swimming in my mind. Patricia’s, Malcolm’s, Desiree’s and Gerard’s. All of them talking to me at once trying to get me to open up to them. Everything they’d told me for the past year since I heard the news of my father’s death. My father was dead. He wasn’t coming back.
“Dad,” I croaked.
The voices were growing louder, and next thing I knew I was also hearing my father’s voice in the mix. Not just his. I was hearing myself laughing with my father, I was hearing Brett’s snarling voice putting me down when he put his hands on me, and I was hearing myself repeat the same thing over and over about me quitting music. It was too much. It was all too fucking much.
“Shut up,” I whispered to the voices in my head.
They weren’t listening though. In fact, they were getting even louder. I kept repeating shut up over and over again, my voice growing each time until I was screaming. My head felt like it was going to explode with all the mess of voices going on inside. I swung an arm out to the side knocking over the stuff on top of my nightstand, a frame that had a picture of my dad in it, my lamp, and my cell phone.
