by J M Wolf
Once I heard the lamp shatter on the ground, I don’t know why, but that was what finally set me off. I screamed in agony as I began thrashing all over my bedroom. I was knocking shit off my desk, and drawer. I grabbed my laptop and threw it at the window, shattering it in the process. All while the voices kept ringing in my ear. My face was all red, my head felt like it was going to explode and I was clawing at my face, as if I could scratch out the damn voices.
I was vaguely aware of someone running into my room until I felt someone’s arms wrapped around me in a tight embrace.
“Jace!” Gerard cried out holding onto me.
“Let me go!” I screamed. “Let me fucking go!”
“It’s okay, Jace. I got you,” Gerard said in my ear trying to sooth me.
I struggled to break free of his hold screaming at him to let me go, but he didn’t. He just kept saying he’d got me and held me tight against his chest. Feeling all the fight in me leaving, I dropped to my knees bringing Gerard with me. I leaned my head down and finally cried my eyes out. Angry, frustrated tears that were contained for a year finally spilled out of me and I let them fly.
I felt every emotion I had caged up at that moment. The anger at the world for taking my father from me. The sorrow of never seeing him again. The pain of not being able to create music again. The frustration of never having Gerard. I let it all out as Gerard held me protectively.
Gerard
What I witnssed the moment I ran into Jace’s room would haunt my dreams for a long time. Jace’s mind finally cracked and he was feeling the full force of it. I ran to him and held him as tight as I could even though he fought to break free. I wouldn’t let him go no matter how much he screamed for me to do so.
When Jace finally sank to the ground and let out his aggressive sobs, my heart felt like glass hearing him cry out every emotion he had. It didn’t help that I knew a portion of it came from the night of our date. I had a hand in causing Jace to go on a rampage. I managed to turn him around so he could cry on me. He went willingly, gripping my shirt and sobbing into the crook of my neck.
All I could do was hold him and whisper in his ear what I was there for him. I looked up to see Desiree standing outside the room, both her hands covering her mouth as her own tears ran down her face at the sight of her nephew falling apart. Jace’s room was a disaster, so I lifted him in my arms and carried him downstairs to the living room and laid him down on the couch.
The three of us huddled around for a couple of hours while we calmed down and collected our thoughts. Desiree told Jace to take the weekend off and he complied with no arguments. Nobody was in the mood to eat, so Desiree put the food away. She was scared to leave Jace alone, but I knew she had to work in the morning so I assured her that I would keep an eye on him so she could rest.
Jace remained quiet and frazzled the rest of the evening and all through the weekend. His eyes were distant, but he still looked lighter than he did. Free of all pent up emotions, he was physically and mentally drained. When Desiree or I would ask how was he feeling, Jace would simply say he was okay, and this time I knew he was. Jace slept on the couch that night, and Saturday I helped to clean up the mess in his room and replaced the shattered window so Jace would be able to sleep in his bed.
Sunday came and went with no issues. Jace seemed more relaxed, but I knew he was still shaken by the events that took place the other day. I couldn’t blame him. He was finally eating again which eased the worry off Desiree and I.
Later that night I heard a knock on my bedroom door. and I turned my head in time to see the door opening a crack, and Jace peeking his head inside.
“Gerard?” Jace whispered. “Are you still awake?”
I sat up on my bed and ushered him inside. “Yeah, come on in. What’s wrong, Bluejay?”
Jace opened the door all the way and stepped inside, closing it behind him. He wore nothing but a pair of black pajama pants. My throat tightened at the sight of his bare chest for the first time. Jace was slim, but had nice muscle definition. A runner’s build.
Pale skin, rose-colored nipples, a touch of freckles along his pectorals. His blue birds tattoo on his wrist stood out against all that skin, and I wanted to reach out and feel how soft it was. I also saw the faint happy trail running down from his navel and past the line of his pants. My cock started filling when I played with the idea of seeing what awaited at the other end of the trail. Did that make me a pervert?
Jace stood there in front of my bed, his right hand rubbing his upper left arm seeming to be nervous. “I was wondering if I could talk to you.”
I turned, so I sat on the edge of the bed facing him, then patted the mattress inviting him to sit next to me. Jace smiled and sat down.
“What did you want to talk about?” I asked.
Jace bit his lower lip, and I wanted to rub it with my thumb to get him to stop.
“I don’t even know where to begin,” he mumbled.
“There’s no rush, Bluejay. Talk to me when you’re ready.”
Jace nodded and took a minute to pull himself together. “I’m sorry, Gerard.”
“What?”
Jace turned to look at me with those stunning cobalt blue eyes that reminded me so much of his father. “I was wrong. I thought I didn’t need any help, but I was completely wrong. You were right about me, about bottling up my emotions and how it was going to lose my mind. You were only trying to prevent it from happening, but I wouldn’t listen to you.”
“Jace—”
“No Gerard, please. I need to say this.”
I stayed quiet and let him finish what he had to say.
“I’ve never been good at expressing myself without my music. It’s why I was bottling it all up when Dad died. Without my music I had no idea how to cope with what I was feeling. I let it stay like that for too long. And then you came along. You saw me having a meltdown, yet you still held onto me and haven’t left my side since.”
Jace reached out a hand and gripped my left knee. “I’m sorry, Gerard. And thank you for coming to my rescue.”
I smiled at the poor young man filled with guilt and wrapped my arm around him, pulling him to me until his head rested on my shoulder. His bare skin pressed against mine, it sent sparks along my body.
Jace seemed to relax his body as he curled himself in my arm. He sighed in contentment and wrapped himself around my torso, nuzzling against my shoulder. I was caught off guard by the sudden act of affection he was giving me, but I wasn’t going to turn it down.
“Do you want to see something?” I whispered in his ear.
Jace grinned. “If it’s your dick I’ve already seen it, remember? I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to see it again though.”
I laughed at his bold statement, but my cock instantly responded to Jace’s words. “No, it’s not my dick. It’s something I think you’ll still like though.”
Using my free hand so I could keep Jace held close, I reached to my nightstand taking the picture of myself and Riley I looked at every night and held it out for Jace. He looked at me puzzled before taking the picture in his hands and observing the photo for himself. His jaw dropped slightly when he saw who was in it.
“You and my dad,” Jace said softly.
I nodded. “It was the last photo we took together before I came back to the States. I keep it with me at all times. I look at it every night.”
Jace traced a shaking hand over the image of his dad in the photo, emotions filling in his eyes. He turned the photo and discovered the short message written on the back. The message Riley wrote to me.
“Thank you for this second chance of happiness,” Jace croaked as he recited the message.
“Yeah. Your dad wrote it before I left him behind to come home.”
Jace eyed the picture for some time before sighing and said, “I wish I had your strength. I wish I was able to cope with the loss better. I wanted to show you that I wasn’t some fragile kid, but in the end you saw me at my worst. So much
for trying to prove that I wasn’t weak.”
“Breaking down like that doesn’t make you weak, Jace. I knew you were fragile, but I also saw your strength. You didn’t want to dwell on the past so you pushed onward. I may have seen you as Riley’s kid, but you’re no kid in general. You’re a strong, determined, beautiful young adult inside and out.”
Jace smiled at me with watery eyes, and I knew right then and there that he wouldn’t be able to keep his emotions contained anymore. I saw Riley in him, but I never once compared the two. Jace may have inherited Riley’s looks, but I saw Jace for who he was.
“I broke down too, when your father died,” I admitted. “It wasn’t as bad as yours, but it did happen. I didn’t have people to talk to about my problems the way you do. With no one I could confide in, I’d kept it to myself just like you did. Until a bar fight broke me out of it. So I knew what you were going through. I was just as fragile as you were, so you have about as much strength as I did. And you want to know something?”
“What?” Jace asked.
“It takes a strong man to admit he was wrong. So, you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.”
Jace turned his head and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek. My skin heated with the contact, and I found myself wanting that kiss on my lips.
“I miss him, Gerard,” Jace said with a shaky breath as he sat the picture down on his lap. “I miss him so much.”
“I know, Jace,” I said. “I miss him too.”
Something must’ve snapped inside Jace because he covered his face with his hands and came undone as he let out heavy sobbing tears. I immediately wrapped both arms around him in a warm embrace as he held tight and cried into my chest. My heart broke as I listened to his screams of sadness, but I dared not let him go. I rubbed circles on his back, repeatedly whispering that it was okay, and to let it all out. I was glad that Jace was able to freely cry. It was long overdue for him to properly grieve over the loss of his father.
We stayed like that for what felt like forever. Jace didn’t let up in the slightest. He just clung to my bare chest and continued letting himself go. Eventually, his breathing grew ragged, and his eyes were hooded. He was exhausted. I could’ve helped him to his room so he could sleep, but one look at the blond haired angel in my arms and I knew neither he nor I wanted to leave each other’s grasp.
So, I took the picture from his lap and placed it on the nightstand; then as I turned off the lamp, I laid back on the bed with Jace curling up against me. Sleep took him almost instantly as his breathing evened out. I smiled at the young man in my arms, embracing me as a lover would, and it made me want things I may never have. Things I once had but lost.
But here was Jace, in my bed sleeping in my arms. It seemed as natural as breathing. No more pulling away. I wasn’t going to reject him again. There was no denying that we shared some kind of connection, and my heart already clung on to Jace, and it was about time I listened to it. Jace needed more than someone to help him grief, he needed someone to cherish him.
A yawn escaped me, breaking me from my train of thought. Clearly, I wasn’t meant to figure things out at that moment. I held Jace tighter to me, and he moaned as he gripped me just as tight, making sure I wouldn’t go anywhere. As if I’d leave him. Not while this sweet, but broken young man was safe in my arms. I closed my eyes and welcomed the darkness pulling me in.
Jace
My head was fucking pounding when I awoke the next morning. It felt like someone was taking a jackhammer to my skull and I wanted to claw out the dizziness I was feeling. I couldn’t believe I cracked the way I did. I was a tornado of pent up emotions that destroyed everything in my path. After what felt like an eternity of having it cemented inside me not wanting to come out, I was finally able to release the anguish I felt ever since I received the news that my dad was coming home dead.
Crying my eyes out felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I was liberated. I hated that I had a meltdown in front of the man of my dreams, but Gerard didn’t seem to care. He just held me as I wailed, comforting me and making me feel safe.
When my eyes fluttered open, I found myself in another room. When I lifted myself off the bed, I felt someone’s arms tightly around me. I wasn’t alone. I was on top of someone. I looked down and smiled when I realized I’d fallen asleep with Gerard.
His thickly muscled arms held me protectively, but not tight enough to immobilize me. The warmth of his body was like a fireplace at Christmas time, and I wanted to remain curled up in his heat. My legs were already around Gerard’s waist, so I lifted myself up on my elbows to get a better look at the sleeping SEAL underneath me. He looked so peaceful.
I don’t know what possessed me to do it, but I sat up on his lap, his arms falling to his sides, but he remained motionless. I stared in awe as I began trailing my fingers up his body, from his hip bones, trailing along his defined abdominal muscles, up his pectorals feeling the tuffs of chest hair tickling the skin of my fingers. I continued from his collarbone and up his neck until my palms rested on the man’s cheeks. Gerard stirred, but never woke.
I tilted my head slightly and marveled at the man that once held my father’s heart, but now was quickly beginning to worm his way into mine. I wished I knew an artist who would be able to capture Gerard's face on paper perfectly so that I could look at it every night after his trip in Abingdon was over. I didn’t want to think of him leaving. I just wanted to revel in the stunning work of art that was Gerard Ramhart. All man, all muscle, and how I wanted him to be mine. I wasn’t afraid to admit it to myself anymore. I wanted him, so fucking bad; but would he ever be mine? Would I ever get to feel what it was like to be his? Would I ever know what it was like to have his lips on mine?
Instinctively, my thumbs began running along his dark thickly grown beard and then to his lips. I remembered that moment when he was stepping out of the shower, and we almost shared a kiss. Almost. I never stopped thinking about it, and the desire to kiss him at that moment was making my heart practically beat out of my chest.
As if my body had a mind of its own, I began leaning down, bringing myself closer to Gerard’s face. My face was inches away from his. I could feel his breath on my skin, and his full lips were close, oh so close. My heart was thundering so loud I was worried Gerard would hear it and wake up. This may have been my only chance to kiss him, and I didn’t want it to slip by. I got closer and was about to press my lips to his when Gerard’s eyes shot open.
Oh fuck, I was so screwed. I had no way to explain this. I pulled back some to looked into his startled eyes. I opened my mouth to try to say something, anything, but what the fuck could I say?
“I-I…Gerard, I’m –” my words were cut off immediately when his hand cupped the back of my head, and his free arm around my waist. Gerard pulled me down to him and embraced me in a deep soulful kiss.
I was taken aback by the sudden embrace, but not enough to pull away. When the initial shock wore off, I closed my eyes and gave back as much as Gerard was giving me. And holy fuck, was he giving me something that was literally stealing my breath away.
The kiss was not how I imagined it. I’d been kissed by many guys growing up, including Brett. I didn’t know if it would be possessive, rough and demanding like Brett’s or dull and lifeless like some of the casual flings I had to entertain my libido. I thought it would be simple but nice, like when Adam and I shared our first kiss, but it wasn’t. They all paled in comparison to the feel of Gerard’s lips on mine.
The kiss was heated, but not enough to devour me. It was filled with affection, longing, desire, wholesome. Gerard was kissing me as if he’d been waiting for centuries to do so, and now that he had me, he wanted to treasure the moment. He wanted to cherish me. I had never felt so desired by a man in all my life, and my eyes burned as if I would cry at the realization.
Was this how my father felt when he kissed Gerard? Was this how it felt to have someone kiss you like you were wanted? I couldn’t begin to comp
rehend how badly I wanted this moment, how much I needed it. Gerard was claiming me, and I wanted to be his.
My hands went up to his face until my fingers could rake over Gerard’s thick dark curly hair. I gripped the locks and made sure he stayed up as our very heated kiss deepened. I wanted more. I needed more.
Gerard let out a husky groan that vibrated in my mouth. It was the sexiest sound I’d ever heard, and it would seem my dick agreed with me because it was already throbbing in my pajama pants. I pressed my hips down against Gerard’s and felt his own erection against mine in response. He was as hard as I was. Ever since I first saw his dick days ago after he showered, I never stopped fantasizing about having that thick piece of man meat plowing into my ass.
Our cocks began rubbing against each other, only the fabric of our pants blocking them from making real contact. God, I hated pants at that moment. I leaned my forehead against Gerard’s. We were both panting and brushing light kisses to one another. His hand on my waist began rubbing circles on my back.
“Is this okay?” Gerard whispered.
I nodded at first, but then I shook my head. “No, it’s not because it’s not enough. I want more.”
“I can tell. I hope that’s not your phone that I’m feeling down there.”
I chuckled. “Nope. I’m just very happy to see you.”
“Good. Let me show you how happy I am to see you too.”
Gerard tilted my head back and began nipping and sucking on my neck. I should’ve said no to the hickey since I technically was supposed to be getting ready to help Patricia, but I couldn’t find any fucks to give. I couldn’t hold back the moan that escaped me even if someone paid me. His tongue licked around the now bruised area on my neck before going up and started working on my ear.
