by Amy Valenti
“Ugh.” Alex covered her face with her hands for a few moments, as if getting a grip on her temper. “Keep your idiot sub away from me for a while, or I might kick his ass myself. Josh, you mind taking me home?”
Alex had been my submissive tonight, and I wouldn’t abandon her, no matter how much I wanted to just get the hell home to think about the situation. Nodding, I headed past Mel and toward the exit, pausing only pick up my toy bag.
Alex was quiet on the drive to her place, and when I pulled over on her street, she was frowning down at her hands.
“Hey.”
She glanced up, trying a smile but not quite nailing it.
“Subdrop, or just worrying about Lena?”
“A little of both,” she admitted, and I put an arm around her shoulders, offering whatever comfort I could as a temporary Dom. “Hope our playing tonight didn’t freak her out.”
Something told me that was the last thing I needed to worry about. “We’ll see.”
“You have a pen and paper?” Alex asked.
It took a second for me to process the request; I couldn’t contextualise it. “Sure.” Reaching into the glove box, I handed her the notebook I kept there, which was already turned to a fresh page.
She scribbled something down, then held it out to me. “Lena’s digits. Don’t call her tonight, but don’t leave it too long. She’s got an overactive imagination. If you give her too much time to think…” Ending the sentence with a shrug, she kissed my cheek. “Thanks for the scene, Josh. I had a blast. Well, before all this.”
“Call if the drop gets bad,” I told her, and she smiled a little.
“Looks like my roomie’s still awake. Don’t worry about me.”
“Alex…”
“I’ll call,” she agreed, if only to shut me up. “Goodnight.”
As she left the car and walked up the path to her front door, I stared down at the numbers scrawled across the page. Lena’s phone number. This hadn’t been the way I’d planned on getting it.
I just hoped I could come up with the right words when I called her.
* * * *
Lena
I spent all night picking through the confused tangle of thoughts in my brain, but I didn’t get anywhere, and by the time dawn broke I was just pissed off. At myself, at Ben, at Mel, at Josh… I knew I wasn’t thinking clearly, but I couldn’t help it.
At around nine in the morning, I finally managed to fall asleep.
My cell phone woke me at a little past one in the afternoon, and I scowled at the caller ID. Mel. I didn’t want to talk to her.
A while later Izzy called, and by five p.m., so had Smurfette and Tamara. I knew they were just worried about me, but in the back of my mind I couldn’t help but wonder if they’d placed bets on me. I needed a couple of days to calm down before I got into it with them.
It was just beginning to get dark outside when my cell phone rang again—a number I didn’t recognise. A few seconds after it quieted I got a voicemail alert, and curiosity got the better of me.
“It’s Josh.”
I almost dropped the phone. Of all the things I’d been expecting, a call from Josh hadn’t even been on the list.
The message continued, “Heard what happened last night. I guess we have some talking to do. Call me back.”
I frowned, torn. I wanted to know why he hadn’t told me about the betting, but could I really face him right now?
I listened to the message a couple more times, smiling despite myself at the low, familiar sound of his voice. The man turned me to mush…which so wasn’t good. Though at the same time, it was very, very good.
Oh, what the hell. What’s the worst that can happen?
I called him back.
CHAPTER SIX
Josh
Lena had told me to meet her at a quiet late-night café downtown, and when I got there she was already curled into the corner of a booth, reading a book.
“Good story?”
She looked up, her eyes wide and startled. “You’re early.”
I shrugged and sat down opposite her, keeping my distance. I was unsure of where I stood. “A little.”
Lena flashed the cover of her book in my direction. It wasn’t by an author I recognised, and it seemed to be about dragons. “Any good?”
“Not really.” The waitress approached, and I ordered a coffee. Lena requested tea, and then we were alone again.
“How did you get my number?” she asked.
“Alex.” Lena rolled her eyes, and I elaborated, “She’s worried about you.”
“Did she bet?” Lena fiddled with her spoon.
“No.” I held her gaze, pausing for a few seconds before telling her, “Neither did I.”
“That’s what I heard,” she murmured.
“It’s the truth.” Before I could elaborate, the waitress returned with our drinks. I waited until she left to continue. “You wanna ask me something, Lena?”
She seemed torn between anger and hurt. “How long have you known?”
“‘Bout a month.” I waited for her next question rather than trying to pre-empt her. Now, more than ever, she needed to feel on equal footing with me.
“And you didn’t think to tell me?”
I took a sip of my coffee, planning my words carefully. The beverage wasn’t as good as my usual fare, but it wasn’t bad. The bitter flavour was familiar and comforting, and helped me organise my thoughts. “I made a selfish decision.”
She just stared at me, waiting for me to continue. Slowly, I admitted, “I thought if you knew there was money resting on us, you’d decide not to give them what they wanted.”
Lena twisted her fingers together on the table-top, her shoulders hunched defensively. “You were happy to let them bet on us, as long as it didn’t threaten your chance to get laid?”
The words were harsh, and I didn’t give the sting time to settle. “Wasn’t what I said.”
“Then explain better,” she snapped, a plea in her expression despite her impatient tone. “I can’t read your mind, Josh.”
I wasn’t great at putting emotions into words, but I tried to simplify it as much as I could. “There was nothing I could do to shut the betting pool down. They’d just set up another one and be more careful what they said around me. So I put it out of my mind and concentrated on what was important.”
She’d dropped her guard just a little, and I hoped to God I could get through to her without screwing up. “You, Lena. I concentrated on you.”
For a few moments she didn’t speak, and I stopped trying to read her. Only she could know what was going on in her head.
When she did speak, her voice was so quiet I wasn’t sure I’d heard her correctly. “I believe you. I think. But I…”
Instinctively, I reached for her hand across the table, and she tried a smile as she squeezed my fingers lightly.
“I resisted you so much for a reason.”
“Figured there had to be one.” My curiosity was piqued—it was a mystery that had kept my brain occupied on many a night.
“I don’t trust people easily, but the first time I saw you, before we’d even been introduced…I wanted to kneel for you. I’m not used to that, and I took it out on you. And then I started to get to know you, and I wanted you even more.”
She stared into the depths of her tea, and I allowed myself a smile. Hell, I didn’t think I could have stopped myself. Hearing her acknowledge her feelings for me was a relief. More than that; it warmed me more than my coffee ever could have. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
Gesturing impatiently, she met my eyes. “Well, it is! Haven’t you ever heard the saying, the irrational urge to submit is blind?”
“Think I missed that one.” The saying she really meant hung between us, in a complicated, anguished, invisible cloud. Love is blind. We both ignored it; this situation was far too messy already. “You’re doubting your judgement.”
“Wouldn’t you?” Her voice was taut; she was
holding back tears.
“Maybe. Question is, do you know what you want?”
* * * *
Lena
I couldn’t believe I’d just said all that to him. What was wrong with me? “My dignity back?” I muttered, staring at my lap.
“You never lost that.” His words came so easily that I blinked at him, warmed and startled by his intense gaze. “You were playing it your way in an exhibitionism-friendly arena. What others chose to do to that is on them, not on you.”
“Maybe…” If only it had been that simple. “Maybe not. I feel like one of those gossip magazine celebrities all of a sudden. I mean, there’s exhibitionism, and then there’s this.”
“What do you want to do, Lena?” The stress on the word ‘do’ was light, but it was there. I needed to stop playing games; they’d got us into this mess, and all that was left for me to do was decide what happened next.
“Take a two-by-four to Ben’s head? Go back in time to the day we met and just sit on the damn floor?”
He didn’t speak, though there was a tinge of exasperation in his expression. I wasn’t being fair to him. Deep breath, Lena…
“I wanna be with you…but this is all wrong,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry, Josh. I didn’t plan for this.”
I couldn’t see his reaction. I was too busy trying to hold back my tears. God, I hate being the bad guy.
“You’re gonna let a bunch of people who aren’t even directly involved dictate what you do?” His voice was lower than usual, but steady.
I blotted tears from my eyes, scowling at him. “Don’t do that. I already know it’s screwed up.”
He shrugged. “Your call. Just like it’s always been.”
“It’s not my call anymore. If I go with what I want, one of the gamblers passing themselves off as my friends gets paid, and I feel like a two-bit hooker.” Why didn’t he get it?
“I’m not trying to change your mind, Lee.” The nickname set my heart aching, and the complete lack of anger in him made it worse.
“What if I want you to?” Wow, could I have sounded any more pathetic?
Josh sighed, seeming as torn as I was. “I went to the club’s opening out of curiosity. I came back week after week because of you. You know what I want. If you wanna take this off-scene, we can, but that’s not gonna change the fact that they’ve laid bets on us.”
Because of you. The words sent a warm glow through my body. It was the first time he’d been this direct with his feelings, and I wished so much that things had been different.
“I know it’s a lot to ask, considering the past couple of months, but can I…have some time to think, maybe? Right now, I just feel humiliated, and not in a fun way.”
He nodded, his face impassive. “You know how to reach me.”
God, all I wanted to do was rest my head in his lap and let him take control. I should probably go before I screw around with his head any more. “I’ll be in touch,” I said, getting to my feet. “Should probably run, if I wanna take the next bus.”
With a glance outside at the dark street, he asked, “Need a ride home?”
I should have declined and run far, far away, but I wanted to take whatever voyeur-free scraps of time I could with him. “Sure.”
We walked the short distance to his car in silence, and my phone rang just as I slid into the passenger seat. Smurfette.
Deciding I might as well answer, I held the phone to my ear as Josh started the car’s engine. “Hey.”
“Lena! You okay? I called earlier, but you didn’t pick up.”
“I’m okay,” I told her, with a glance over to mouth Smurfette’s name at Josh. “Just been having coffee with Josh.”
“Oh, really? What happened? Anything juicy?”
“He’s driving me home. You wanna say hi?”
“I get it,” she said immediately. “You can’t talk right now. Call me when you can, or I’m gonna be a sad Alex.”
She hung up before I could reply, and I rolled my eyes. “She wants to gossip the nanosecond you leave my presence.”
“There’s a shock,” Josh said dryly.
The rest of the drive was quiet, but the silence was strangely comfortable. When we pulled over outside my apartment block, Josh shut off the engine and told me, “I’ll be at the club the week after next, like usual. If you’re there, we’ll talk.”
“Okay.” I reached out to touch his shoulder. “Thanks, Josh.”
Something in his expression softened as he gazed at me, and he cupped my cheek in his hand; the most intimate contact we’d had since we’d met. I couldn’t stop myself from leaning into the touch, and he took a deep breath as I closed my eyes.
“If things were different, I’d kiss you right now,” he murmured, and my skin tingled in response.
“What if I want you to?”
“No. I’m giving you time to think. Once you have, we’ll talk again. I’ll see you at the club in two weeks.”
It was only fair. I hadn’t given him the easiest ride so far; I couldn’t blame him for keeping his distance. So I nodded, and he kissed my cheek with infinite tenderness. “Good girl. Now, go call Alex back before her head explodes.”
I couldn’t help but smile at that, imagining her frustration at not being completely in the loop. “Thank you, Josh.”
He nodded, reading between the lines. “Go.”
I returned to my apartment in a half-daze, dialling Smurfette as soon as my butt hit the couch. “Hey.”
“Has he gone? Tell me everything.”
“Did you bet?” I demanded of her. I wasn’t telling her anything until she levelled with me.
“Oh, come on, Lee. I mean, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I didn’t want you to get suspicious of Josh, because if you two didn’t get together it’d be a total crime. Get hold of Ben’s list. Mel feels guilty enough—ask her to grab it. Then you can stop being suspicious of people who didn’t want anything to do with it.”
I hadn’t really thought she’d be a part of it, and getting hold of a list of betting pool participants sounded pretty good. I filed away the thought for later. “Okay.”
“Now tell me what happened!”
After making her promise not to tell anyone, I gave her minimal details: that we’d talked, that he hadn’t disputed my decision not to play with him, and then that I’d reconsidered, but he wouldn’t kiss me until I’d had time to think.
“You’re gonna play with him soon though, right?” Smurfette asked. “Stupid question. Of course you are. Your secret’s safe with me, I swear. For as long as you want to hide it from everyone.”
“I…don’t know, Smurf. I want to, but… What happens when Ben finds out? If I play with Josh, even in private, someone gets a payout. That’s so screwed up. I don’t wanna give them the satisfaction.”
“Hello? What about your satisfaction?!” Smurfette said incredulously. “Your amazingly incredible, submissive’s dream, life-affirming, soulmate-finding satisfaction?”
“No need to get melodramatic. He can’t be that good.” I wasn’t exactly convinced of that.
“As a platonic play partner of the guy in question, I say he can. And we don’t even have the scarily intense sexual tension thing you two have.” Smurfette sighed. “Think about what you’re losing. I mean, what if Ben pays out to whoever bet closest to when you found out?”
“Damn it, Smurfette; stop confusing me. I’m a computer programmer! I do black and white, not shades of grey! Binary, not philosophy!”
“Well, there’s one shade of grey I highly recommend you do. And I’m talking silver-grey. Like, silver fox grey.”
“I get it. Thanks.”
“And I mean ‘do’ in the Biblical sense.”
“Where in the Bible does it say ‘and he did her like a man does a woman’?” The conversation had gotten way out of hand, but I was kinda glad to have Smurfette to talk to about the whole mess. It beat talking to myself.
By the time I hung up, I was laughing…but sti
ll way too conflicted, and the clock was ticking. If I didn’t make up my mind soon, I could lose Josh for good.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Josh
The club night had come around fast. As I walked into the social space, glancing around for Lena, Ben beat a hasty retreat into the far corner.
I let him get away with it. Lena had made me promise to leave him alone, and I still hadn’t found out what her plan for tonight was, though she’d called a few days ago to tell me she had one. And speaking of Lena…
“Looking for someone?” Her voice in my ear was a welcome surprise.
“As a matter of fact…”
She leaned back against the wall, impishly looking up at me. “Hi.”
“Hey.” I looked her over, from head to toe and back again. She scuffed a foot against the floor, pretending to be embarrassed at the objectification, while I admired the way her figure-hugging dress flattered her curves. “You dressed to impress tonight.”
“Thanks for noticing. Can’t carry out the plan if I can’t keep their eyes on me…”
“Hey, guys!” Alex came toward us, beaming. “Ready to kick some ass, Lena?”
“Have you seen Rose?” Lena asked, returning her hug enthusiastically.
“Talking to Gary by the cloakroom. You might catch her if you go now.”
Lena looked over at me. “I’ll be back soon.”
“Do what you have to do.”
As she disappeared into the crowd, Alex sighed happily. “You’re still talking to each other! Have you slept together yet? Lena says no, but…”
“Alex.”
Rolling her eyes and swiping a lock of blue hair out of her eyes, she said, “Okay, okay. But seriously—I’m really glad you guys didn’t let this come between you.”
“Are you in on her plan?” I asked her.
“I’m the moral support. It’s gonna take some balls,” Alex said, “but she definitely has ‘em.”
Now I was really curious, but I could wait a little longer to find out what her plan was.
