The Rewind Series Boxset

by Jill Cooper

  “You never did.” She offers me a faint smile.

  “Last night at the police station,” I take a deep breath and shove my hands down my pockets. “I was tired and alarmed. I shouldn’t have—well, if I came off angry, I’m sorry.”

  “It’s all right. I think we both had other things on our minds. Lara was okay last night? No, umm…of those nightmares?”

  The nightmares. The screams Miranda told me about. I count myself lucky she hasn’t had them yet when she stays at my place. “She slept solid. I think she was so tired when we got back, she conked right out after her warm milk.”

  Miranda’s eyes flash with nostalgia. “I don’t think it’s that. I think it’s you. Just you being around, I notice how calm she is. How much happier she is. I thought I helped her transition when you first went away, but,” Miranda gazes off toward the kitchen and emotion starts to bombard her face.

  First it’s just a squint of the eyes, but then her lips turn down and her chin begins to warble. The adorable chin I used to kiss and still kiss right on Lara’s face. Miranda’s eyes are moist with tears even as she tries to blink them back, but it’s no use.

  She’s in pain. A lot of pain.

  I came here to have it out with her. Scream at her for everything she did to our family, but I can’t anymore. “Miranda,” her name comes out of my mouth almost like poetry. I stop short of rubbing her arm even though I want to touch her. Want to show her that part of me never really got over her.

  “I’m sorry, John. It’s such a stupid little sentence, isn’t it? It can’t make up for what happened, but I am. I feel it so deep. I ruined you.”

  Part of me wants to tell her it’s all right, but it’s not. Inside my heart is as broken as it was on those first days. “I was robbed of Lara’s childhood.”

  Miranda’s lip quivers even as she stares right at me. “I’m sorry.” Her voice cracks.

  “You stood with Jax at court ten years ago. You should have been standing with me.” The truth of my words pounds in my chest.

  “I thought…”

  “I know what you thought.” The worlds rumble out, tangled with anger and despair. “We’d been together since we were fifteen years old. All those years. All those memories, how could you think I’d want to hurt you? How!”

  I grab her arms and I give her a shake.

  Miranda dissolves into tears. Her eyes scrunch down into her nose and she sobs. I let her go and pace the room, running my hands through my hair. I need to calm down, count to ten. I promised myself I’d never lay a hand on her and I’m not going to break that promise now, no matter what she says.

  No matter what she does.

  “I was afraid.” Miranda’s voice of small. “I was so afraid it was true, that I couldn’t even begin hope it wasn’t. Because if that hope was shattered, if I believed in you and then found out I was wrong, I wouldn’t…I couldn’t go on John.”

  “So you gave up on me. On us?”

  Miranda turns away. I don’t know if I’m glad that she can’t look at me anymore. I’m not sure I want to look at her either. All those times we had together, all those memories. It was ruined. A long time ago it was ruined, but I still cling to it like a kid and his favorite blanket.

  I needed her and she just gave up.

  “You never even tried.” I can’t help with whisper the words. The tears in my eyes threaten to consume me. “You just gave up and chose Jax. Gave him everything. Lara. And he knew.”

  Miranda’s shoulders rock. “You think I don’t know that now? You think I don’t want him out of this house?” She turns and I see the anger in her eyes, but I also see adoration. I don’t know if it’s directed at me or that slime ball. “He ruined the best thing I ever had. He ruined us, John.”

  I shake my head and hold my breath, my lips drawn together I waggle my finger at her. “You ruined it the second you slept with that snake. The second you let someone else into your heart. But I was willing to forgive you. Start over. That’s what I wanted.”

  “Instead…” I shake my head and can’t go on. I think about how we packed up our tiny apartment and Miranda got a new job in Portland. We were moving that week that the shooter ruined my life.

  Miranda left and tore Lara right away from me before I even saw the inside of a jail cell.

  “I supported you. I worked while you went to college. I stayed home with Lara so you could have your fancy job and I never minded. Never!” I bark it at her and Miranda’s face crumbles. “How you could think what you did, it destroyed me.”

  “I don’t know what else I can say.” Miranda studies the floor and her hand traces the back of the sofa.

  “Nothing. I just…had to say my piece. I won’t say it again.”

  She looks grateful. “It destroyed me too for a long time.”

  But Jax put the pieces back together. I don’t say it, even though I want to. I’ve hurt her enough and I don’t want to do it anymore. “Can you have Lara call me after dinner? I want to tell her about the job.”

  Miranda nods with a long breath. “Of course, John. Of course. Do you want some…tea?”

  “I won’t stay. Jax will be home eventually, right? I rather not see him if I can help it.” I head toward the door.

  She follows and pulls it open for me. “He won’t be here much longer. After the trial, he’s moving out. I’ve asked him for a divorce.”

  If she thinks that makes it all better, it doesn’t. But I nod and hold onto the door frame with one hand, gazing down at her worn face. Miranda looks so tired. “If that’s what you want.”

  “It is. It’s for the best.”

  From the way she’s staring up at me, I know I have to go. Whatever she’s feeling, it isn’t real. She’s emotional. I’m emotional. So I tear myself away and head toward the subway platform.

  Being free is nice, but it comes with its own set of challenges.

  Lara Crane

  I lay for what seems like hours in Donovan’s arms. He plays with my hair and kisses my nose. We talk and I giggle. It’s hard to remember a time when we were this happy or carefree, even if I know the moment will be fleeting.

  When it gets close to dinner, I pull my hoodie back on and zip it up. “How do I look?”

  Donovan leans on his elbow and gazes at me. “Beautiful.”

  I swat at him and he pulls me close for another tender kiss. It’s these moments that give me strength and the courage to move on. “Pick me up for school tomorrow?”

  He cups my face with his hands. “I won’t miss it for the world. This weekend I’m taking you hiking.”

  Hiking. It’s so mundane, but it excites me. I can’t wait to do something mundane.

  Donovan sees me outside and away from the prying eyes of his dad he plays with the belt hoops of my jeans and pulls me closer. My wrists rest on his hips, my fingers grazing against his skin under his shirt. “I really don’t want to say good-bye to you.” He whispers it as our lips pull at each other.

  We settle into a nice rhythm and the kiss lasts for mere moments as my heart swells with love. “Then let’s just say see you later.”

  Donovan grins and wraps me in his strong arms. I rest my head against his chest and we gaze out into the city. The sky is blue, but orange streaks across the horizon. The sun is setting and it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.

  In the quiet, I settle. “For two years I never got to see the sun. Never got to see the sunset.”

  His head rests against mine. “Then you’ll never miss another one as far as I’m concerned. I’ll give you the world, Montgomery if you’ll let me.”

  I’m pretty sure I’d love that.

  But it’s time to go so I pull away from him, our fingers intertwined as far as the breath of our arms will take us. “Call me, okay?”

  Donovan nods that he will. His smile is soft, but happy. I’m glad that when we’re together he can still find some happiness. With time, I hope we can put this all behind us.

  With time.<
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  ****

  When I get home, I can hear the clinking of dishes.

  I guess I’m right on time.

  “Hello?” I put my stuff down by the front door and head toward the dining room, but I never make it there.

  There’s the stomping sound of little feet and I see the twins running toward me. Grinning, I squat down low with open arms and take the little monster’s attack hug full on. With an oof, I fall from the tackle.

  The twins laugh and I tickle them both. Molly has a missing tooth that Mike doesn’t and the locket I gave her swing from her neck. I hug them both, really enjoying this part of the day. I enjoy it every day and it’ll be sad when they no longer race for me when I come home.

  They’re six now. How much longer can they adore their big sister so much? How much longer can I hide what a mess and a screw up I am?

  But for now I play with Molly’s hair and I squeeze Mike’s cheeks.

  “Get off your sister and please come to the table.” Mom stands by the wall, a dishcloth in her hand. Her eyes are lined red and it stops my heart to see her so distraught.

  The twins scamper off and I pick myself off the floor. “Mom?”

  “I’m okay. Just been a long day.” She gives me a soft smile and swings her arm me. “You have a good day?”

  “The best.” I can’t hide my smile.

  “Good.” Mom pinches my chin. “I want your life only filled with the best days.”

  At the table, Jax is surprisingly missing.

  “Where’s Jax?” I serve myself chicken and salad, but don’t miss how Mom’s face drops when I mention his name.

  “He’s up in his office. Catching up on work. You can bring him some food when we finish up, all right?”

  I stiffen. Is Jax no longer welcomed at family dinner? “All right.” If we were alone, I’d ask her but the twins are there. Molly guzzling juice and Mike rolling peas around on his plate with a look of disgust on his face.

  “Mom,” Mike whines, “I don’t like peas. Why do you always make them?”

  “Because they’re easy and they’re good for you.” Mom sips her iced water, but the corners of her lips look tense.

  “It’s okay, Mike.” I try to be gentle with my words even if I feel stressed. “Just try them.”

  “I don’t want to try them. Mom—.”

  “Enough!” Mom screams and slams her glass down on the table. The ice clinks together and water sloshes onto the table.

  I’m frozen in shock and Mike’s face scrunches with devastation. Molly’s fork hovers near her mouth. “I like peas.”

  Mom sighs and rubs her face. “I’m sorry, Mikey. I’m…I just can’t do this.” She throws her napkin down onto the table and slides her chair back. Mom goes into the kitchen without another word.

  “She didn’t ask to be excused.” Molly says with a look of distain in her eye.

  “Not now, Molly.” I hurry into the kitchen. I want to call her name, but I find Mom sobbing over the sink, gripping the basin with her fingers and just crying like she can’t stop.

  “Mom?” I creep up behind her.

  “Lara, just go. Please.”

  I place my hand on her back. “I don’t want to go. I want to be here. I want to help.”

  “Somethings we can’t help, baby.” Mom turns and places her hands on my face. “But you’re here. You’re happy and that’s enough for me.”

  “I want you to be happy too.” My lip puckers into a pout.

  Mom laughs and kisses my cheek. “Oh thank you, sweetheart.” She hugs me and she laughs, but I don’t know why it’s so funny. Maybe it just matters that she laughs. “I’ll get through this. I promise. And we’ll all be stronger because of it.”

  I like the sound of that.

  “Call your father when you’re done, he wants to tell you about his job interview.”

  “Did he stop by? Is that why you’re crying?” My lip twists as I consider it.

  Mom disregards what I’ve said with a wave of her hand. “Of course not. Your father is welcome to stop by here whenever he wants.”

  I know she says that, but I know it can’t be easy. I don’t remember much about my parents being together because I was so young, but I remember music and laughter. It can’t be easy to have him back in her life, even if she won’t say it.

  “And you and Jax? Are you guys going to be okay?”

  Mom takes a deep breath and turns from me. She picks up the sponge and starts cleaning the spotless sink. “Just, bring him some food for me. I’ll figure it out, just not tonight.”

  I don’t want to make things harder on her so I nod. I go into the dining room and make a plate for Jax. The twins are still seated but no longer eating.

  “Clear the table, okay?”

  Mike rolls his eyes and Molly starts whining.

  “Not tonight.” I bend down and instruct them, meeting both their eyes. “Mom’s had a really bad day, okay, and she needs our help. Clear the table and promise to be good. Promise.”

  I extend my finger and their fingers wrap around it. “We promise.”

  “And brush your teeth without complaining.”

  Molly’s eyes widen and Mike sighs, but he answers for the both of them like he often does. “We promise, Lara.”

  “Good.” I smile and ruffle their hair.

  Upstairs, I balance the plate on one hand and knock on Jax’s office door. “I brought you dinner.” I creep inside.

  Jax is sitting at his desk, but he’s staring up at the ceiling and not doing any work. It breaks my heart to see him so upset. I slide the food onto the desk in front of him and lean on the corner.

  “I hear if you’re trying to work, it helps to look at your computer.”

  “Hmm?” Jax makes eye contact. “Oh hey, Lara. Oh dinner, great. Thanks.” He searches for the utensils.

  I hold up fork and knife wrapped in a napkin. “First you’re going to have to be straight with me. What’s going on with you? Mom?” My chest tightens. “Is it over?”

  Jax rubs his jaw. “Not over. Not by a long shot, as far as I’m concerned. But when the trial’s over, your Mom…I mean we, want some space.”

  It’s the things nightmares are made of. Tears flood my eyes even though it’s stupid. Jax isn’t my dad, but I feel like he is sometimes. He raised some version of Lara Crane and we’re together, intermingled in my head. “I don’t want you to give us space.”

  Jax takes my hand and gives it a hard squeeze. “It might be for the best. Your dad is back. He’s in your life and I’m…like a spare tire.”

  “No!” It comes out stronger than I mean it to and Jax flinches, shock on his face. “I don’t feel that way about you. Maybe I did once, when I was younger and rebelling, but—I spent two years in a cage. I know what I missed. I know what I didn’t have. Dad, Mom, the twins. But you too, Jax. I don’t want you to go away.”

  He stands and wraps his arms around me. I think he was scared his words might be true. That I didn’t need him anymore. I rest my chin on his shoulder. “I’m sorry this I so messed up. I’m sorry I messed everything up so bad.”

  “Never.” Jax kisses my forehead. “None of this is your fault. You’re fixing things I should have fixed long ago. For that, I’m sorry. I was afraid of losing you and your mother. I guess, I’m losing you anyway.”

  I shake my head and my curls bounce. “Not me.”

  “Alicia called.” Jax clears his throat. “The security tapes from Dunkin Donuts show you there just when you said you were. Even had your signature on file for the credit card slip.”

  “That’s good news, right?” I start to feel a flicker of hope.

  “Police have cleared you.” Jax breaks out in a grin. “You’re no longer a person of interest.”

  I squeal and hug him tight. “Thank God!”

  He pats my back. “Thank God is right.”

  Hopping down from the desk, I pause. “That night you and Mom ran off and took the twins. I set that all in motion. You saw R
ex here. You saw him here with me. I had a gun.”

  Jax’s eyes flicker to the door to make sure it’s closed. “That secret your mother and I will take to our graves, Lara. We’ve never talked about it. I don’t know if she’s just in denial or something else, but I’m never going to tell anyone.”

  I’m relieved. “Okay. Do you,” my chin quivers, “hate me?”

  “No. God no.” The answer comes fast and the truth of it is evident in his eyes. “I should have taken care of him long before you did. I’m sorry he hurt you so bad. I’m sorry for everything he stole from you.”

  I nod. “If you knew what would happen, I’m pretty sure you would have.”

  Jax’s jaw presses together firm. “For my mistakes, I’ll never stop feeling sorry. I just hope one day it’s enough. Now get out of here and go be a kid, or something.”

  “I’m going to call my dad and give him the good news. He had a job interview today.”

  “Oh that’s great. Good for him.” I don’t think Jax means to sound bitter, but he does. “Sorry, I didn’t mean…I am happy he’s pulling himself together.”

  “Me too.” My hand on the doorknob, my head throbs with a sudden headache. I grunt and grab the temples.

  “Laaaaraaa?” Everything is slowing down to half speed. When I turn and see Jax over my shoulder he’s walking slow. Slower than I’ve ever slowed time down before.

  Will it ever stop? Will things ever go back to normal?

  Epilogue

  Time marches on.

  A little fast, a little slow, and sometimes it even freezes.

  I take the steps into the witness stand and face the crowd. I’m wearing an all business suit and my curls are pinned at the nape of my neck in a bun. The courtroom is full of people, but my eyes only fall on the court officer as I raise my hand and put the other on the bible.

  “Do you solemnly swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but?”

  “I do.” I slide my hands to straighten my jacket as I take my seat. Gazing out, my eyes fall on Patricia James.

  She’s in a suit and looks just like a politician with coiffed hair. Perfect in every way, but her eyes are tired. She’s looked better.