by Lari Smythe
* * *
Jason came down the next morning, but I stayed in my room. I was afraid to see him, not because I thought he was going to physically hurt me—he'd hurt me more than he knew last night—but because I had no idea what to say or do when I did. From behind my bedroom door, I glanced at the alarm clock. It was late. He was obviously waiting for me. Finally it was quiet. He must have realized I wasn't going to school with him.
I slowly pulled back the door and stared out into the dark room. Jason was standing across the kitchen by the backdoor. There was this sickening, sadness when our eyes met. We stood there locked in one another's gaze for an uncomfortable moment. He took a step toward me, but even across the room, I stepped back. He held his palms out toward me and slowly walked to the edge of the kitchen.
"Don't skip school because of me. I'll leave you alone. I promise."
"But—"
"No, we just need a little time—you know to chill—we'll be fine." It sounded more like he was trying to convince himself than me.
I hesitated, not knowing whether to agree or not.
"I'm headed over to the batting cages with the guys after school so you don't have to worry about it looking weird that you drive yourself. Come on Izzy. I know you're disappointed in me—heck I'm disappointed in me, but you need to go to school, to be around people." He glanced at the clock on the wall. "I'll see you later, then."
When he was gone, I changed into a very modest pair of black jeans and a pullover sweatshirt and then drove to school. By driving, I was a few minutes late, which was a good thing. I got a note from the office by saying I had car trouble and then went to my first period class. The first half of the day was just like any other day except Jason didn't walk me to class. I didn't even see him. Surprisingly, no one seemed to notice, or care.
Jason didn't show up for lunch, which solved the problem of do we, or don't we sit together. Both options posed their own set of problems. Lisa, Tammy and a few of the cheer girls were sitting near my table—the old table where Cathy and I used to eat alone.
"Did you hear?" Lisa said.
"Oh yeah, everyone's talking about it. He didn't walk her to classes this morning." Tammy said like it was old news.
So much for no one noticing.
"And look how she's dressed," one of the girls with them said.
"That definitely says, I'm not giving it up." Tammy snickered.
"I told you," Lisa boasted. "Once she locked her knees it was over. It's always the same."
"Oh, it is so over."
"I'm not surprised—I mean she's such a fake. Emo gone runway? I don't think so." They all giggled.
"Do you think his mother will throw her out? You know she's staying with them."
"Like, yeah, everyone knows that."
"Yeah, like what was up with that?" Lisa said.
"Matt told me she lived over off of Reno Road somewhere," Tammy said. "We should TP her house."
"Hello, she's at Jason's."
"Oh, right. Hey, you don't think like they're both virgins? No way, right?"
Lisa laughed. "She definitely is, but if he wants to be the big quarterback stud next year—"
Their laughs fell silent when I looked up.
After lunch, I noticed the sideways glances and giggles when I walked past a group of girls—alone. It had been easier when I was doing the Emo thing with Cathy. Sure, we were left alone, but that was the point, how it was supposed to be. Now, however, after trying to fit in, I was just an outsider—the fake girl that nobody liked. We were halfway through the semester and I never realized that I was always with Jason. Not even the girls in Latin talked to me anymore since I turned 'runway' as Lisa put it. To them, it probably looked like I was trying to distance myself from the Plain Jane girls like them. Since Cathy wasn't in school this semester, I didn't have her to talk with either. I thought about Melanie—I could always talk to Melanie, and until the problem in Georgia, it looked like I was going to forge a better relationship with Elizabeth. With them gone, neither was possible.
When the final bell rang, I gathered my books and headed for the car, but not before a stop at my locker.
"A virgin?" A girl I didn't know gawked to her friend. "No way, my brother says all those Emo types are crack whores."
"Shut up," the other girl replied. "That explains why her skin looks so weird—you know like pale one day and kind of splotchy the next. I bet it's when she's strung out."
I did a U turn and went straight to the parking lot.
Lisa was getting in her car when I got to mine. She glanced at me with an evaluating curiosity and then nodded. "So over." Her door closed, the car started and she drove away without so much as another glance.
I couldn't help myself and looked across the parking lot for Jason's Jeep. It was parked over near the gym. I wondered if he was facing the same ridicule. Were the guys teasing him about not being able to hold on to the ex-Emo girl? Were they laughing at him like they did Eric Johnson? Try as I might, I couldn't figure out what had gone wrong.
