Family Secrets

by Zina Abbott

  “Have you thought about getting things started yet, Jennie?”

  No “Hi, how are you? Good to see you,” Jennie noticed.

  “Get things started? What, exactly, are you referring to, Gerald?”

  “Our divorce, Jennie. I keep waiting for you to tell me you’ve seen a lawyer.”

  “No, Gerald, I have not seen a lawyer. You know, you sprang this on me rather suddenly. You said we would discuss it when you came back home. I thought we should wait until then so we will have a little more time to talk it through and make sure this is what you really want.”

  “There is no need to talk about it, Jennie. I told you I found someone I have really fallen in love with and I want out.”

  Jennie shook her head.

  “I can’t believe this is happening, Gerald. I mean, where did it come from? You came to me with this out of the blue within weeks of being deployed. I mean, the last time you were over there, everything seemed all hunky-dory. Then, you’re no sooner home before you’re off for a ninety day TDY. You come home from that, and suddenly you want out?”

  “Jennie, I tried to explain it to you. I married you because I knew I would go overseas. I wanted someone waiting for me. I wanted someone to give me a child so if something happened to me over here, there would still be a part of me to carry on.”

  “You told me when we married that you loved me, Gerald.”

  “You’re a nice enough girl and I cared for you. I suppose that, at the time, I thought what we had was love. But, I realize now I didn’t really love you. Now that I’ve found someone I really can love, I want out of this marriage. I want her and me to be a family. Please, see a lawyer and get things started.”

  “I’m not ready to do that, Gerald. If you would just stop and think about everything we have together, you might start to see things in a different light.”

  “I don’t see things any differently now than when I left, Jennie.”

  “We have a son, Gerald. Getting divorced is a big step. It affects him, too. Maybe when you get back home, we can go see someone, maybe get some counseling…”

  Gerald shook his head and cursed under his breath with frustration. Jennie jerked back in her chair as she watched him lean into the webcam, which caused his face to distort in a manner that made his nose and eyes appear huge in proportion to the rest of him.

  “I’m trying to be decent about this, and I don’t want to argue about it. I am not messing with a marriage counselor or any kind of counselor. If you have trouble accepting this, then you go see a counselor by yourself.”

  Jennie closed her eyes while she inhaled and tried one more time.

  “Gerald, please, I don’t want to discuss this now. For all I know, there are a hundred guys hanging around getting in on this conversation. This is nobody’s business but ours. You’ll be home on leave in a couple of weeks. Can’t we just enjoy Thanksgiving together and then talk about it in private before you go back?”

  Gerald slouched back in his chair and shook his head.

  “Are you planning to be there when I come in? And bring Garrett with you?”

  “Of course, Gerald. Fortunately, Tuesday is a light day at school and I can make arrangements to finish my class work early. I’ll have a friend turn it in. I know I won’t have to work. So, except for a few hours Wednesday night at the store to get ready for the Black Friday sale, you and Garrett and I can be together through Thanksgiving…”

  “No,” Gerald cut her off, shaking his head. “I just want you to bring Garrett down with you. I plan to spend Thanksgiving with my parents this year.”

  “Okay,” Jennie said slowly, “That will make it sort of difficult since my boss is really counting on all of us sales clerks to get the store ready, and Grandpa Mike will be disappointed, but…”

  “You’re not coming with me to my parents for Thanksgiving, Jennie. You have Thanksgiving with your family. Just me and Garrett are going to my folks.”

  Dumbfounded, Jennie exclaimed, “You don’t want me there for Thanksgiving?”

  “No, I don’t. When you bring Garrett, I need you to pack some toys and enough clothes to last him at least a week. My mom can do a few loads of laundry, but I don’t want her to have to wash every day. Thank goodness, he’s potty-trained now.”

  “You plan to take Garrett away from me for a week? How can you do that to us? That’s too long.”

  “You and your family have him all the rest of the time. I deserve to see my son for a few days here and there, and so do my parents. Don’t worry. I’ll make arrangements to get him back to you before I leave to go to Georgia.”

  “Georgia?”

  “Yes. She’s in Georgia. After I spend a few days with Garrett and my parents, I’m going to spend the rest of my leave with her.”

  “You cannot be serious, Gerald.”

  Gerald rubbed the back of his neck.

  “I’m dead serious. I’m also serious about the divorce.”

  Jennie bit her lip as she thought about what to say to her husband. Things were moving too fast for her. She needed to put the brakes on the situation.

  “Look, Gerald, please agree to us first sitting down somewhere by ourselves in private when you get home. Marriage is a serious commitment. Let’s talk about this. Wait and see if you still feel the same way after you’ve had a chance to see Garrett and me again. Right now, I still love you. I don’t want a divorce.”

  “This isn’t all about you, Jennie. I’m trying to be decent about this. You know I’ll always take care of Garrett,” Gerald said as he started rubbing his right temple

  “Gerald! Paying child support isn’t the same as being with him in the home. We had something between us at one time, even before we had a son together. We need to try to work this out.”

  “We had something at one time, Jennie, but it wasn’t love—at least, not on my part. Things have changed. I have changed. I really wish you would find a lawyer and get things started.”

  “Any lawyer I find is going to want a retainer,” Jennie shook her head, unwilling to let Gerald push her from half a world away into doing something she did not want to do. “I don’t have that kind of money. If you really are going to go through with a divorce, then we need to work out the money issue.”

  Gerald dropped his hand from his face but remained silent. Jennie studied the expressionless face that stared back at her. She searched for any sign of softening or reconsidering and found none.

  Gerald silently closed his eyes a moment as he resumed rubbing his forehead.

  “Fine, Jennie, we’ll work out the details when I come home. But I’m not going to change my mind. Just bring Garrett down to the airport and meet me when I come in. My mother will be there, too. She can watch him while we go somewhere and talk.”

  A puzzled frown tightened Jennie’s face as the manner in which Gerald kept massaging his forehead registered with her.

  “Gerald, is everything okay with you? Are you feeling all right?”

  “I’m fine,” Gerald snapped. Jennie watched as the video feed clicked off when he ended the Skype conversation. Her Skype once again showed the messaging screen. Gerald’s cloud turned from green to gray.

  Jennie slowly leaned forward and shut down the computer. She collapsed against the back of her chair, motionless for several minutes while her eyes focused on the screen. Her emotions whirled around inside her, ranging from one extreme to another. She felt angry, sad, numb, spiteful and depressed all at once.

  Gerald wasn’t making much sense that night, but one thing was clear. Before he ever got on Skype, he had already planned his leave with the intent to exclude her. He had already made arrangements with his mother.

  Chapter 8 – Jennie

  A light tap on her bedroom door pulled Jennie out of her reverie. She knew it was her mother checking on her. Slowly, she dragged her body, which had somehow tripled in weight since talking with her husband, out of the chair. She turned the doorknob.

  Her mom rested the side of
her head against her raised forearm that was pressed against the doorjamb. Her eyes, full of concern, sought Jennie’s.

  “Come on in, Mom,” Jennie said as she waved her mother toward the desk chair. Jennie crawled onto her bed. She grabbed her pillow and put it behind her back as she rested it against the wall. She buried her face in her arms.

  “Garrett’s with Grandpa and Jason,” Christy said quietly. “He’s not ready to settle down and go to bed, but I guess that’s to be expected.”

  “I know, Mom. At least he should go down for a long nap tomorrow.”

  “Is everything okay, Jennie? You two talked a long time.”

  Jennie tilted her head up with her hands covering her face and shook her head. She knew her mother wouldn’t press, but she would be there when Jennie felt ready to talk. Jennie was not sure she wanted to talk. Everything Gerald said still hurt too much to put it in words to someone else.

  “I know things have been rough between you two. Maybe when he gets together with family for Thanksgiving and realizes what he would be giving up, he’ll have a change of heart.”

  “He’s not coming here for Thanksgiving, Mom. He wants me to bring Garrett to him so he and Garrett can have Thanksgiving with his parents.”

  Christy paused as she thought about it.

  “Well, I guess that is reasonable. With him gone as much as he is, I can understand why he wants to spend the holiday with his side of the family. Are you going to be able to schedule your school and work so you can be gone that long?”

  “He doesn’t want me there, Mom.” Jennie began to cry. “He only wants it to be him and Garrett. He was very clear about that.”

  Jennie heard her mother’s breath catch.

  “Oh. I am so sorry, Jennie.”

  “All he could talk about was getting a divorce.”

  “A divorce? Do you think it’s because of that other girl?”

  “Yes. He says he loves her and wants to marry her.”

  “Is that what you want, Jennie? A divorce?”

  “I’m not ready for a divorce, Mom. He says I was nice enough, and he was anxious to marry and have a child because he knew he would be deployed overseas, but he never really loved me. But, I loved him. I still love him. I’m angry with him, but I still feel love for him… although, I’m not sure why.”

  “Did you tell him that? Did you tell him you’re not ready to divorce?”

  Jennie wiped the tears from her eyes and wrapped her arms around her stomach. She closed her eyes as she leaned her head back against the wall.

  “Yes. He has changed, Mom. He has really changed. He is so indifferent toward me now.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know. Part of the time, I tell myself that he’s not the same person I fell in love with and married, I don’t like the person he has become and I want him out of my life. Other times, I keep thinking that breaking up our marriage is too big a step to take without making an effort to save it. There is too much at stake to just walk away. What about Garrett? It’s not fair to him to just give up on our family without trying.”

  “I understand, honey.”

  “I’m trying to prepare for the worst in case things don’t work out between us. But I still want to hope for the best. It makes me crazy. Sometimes, when I start thinking about everything, I feel like I am going to explode.”

  “This is so hard. I hate seeing you have to go through something like this.”

  “Mom, I told him I wanted to wait until he came back home to talk about it. I said that maybe we could get some counseling to figure out what we each really want and to try to work things out.”

  “That would probably be a good idea if you two had some counseling, especially if you can find someone who has experience working with military families.”

  “He wants no part of counseling. But, at least he did say he would talk with me when he gets back. I think, though, he mostly wants to figure out how we’re going to go about getting a divorce. I just am not sure what to do next.”

  “Maybe, then, it would be a good idea for you to get some counseling, Jennie. Don’t they have counseling services at the college that you can use?”

  Jennie jumped off the bed and began pacing the floor.

  “No, Mom, I am not going to go to counseling. The last thing I need is for someone else to tell me how I should feel.”

  “A good counselor is not going to tell you how you should feel, Jennie. They’re trained to listen and help you sort things out for yourself. But, even if you don’t want to go to a counselor, I think if you should find a friend you can trust…”

  “I certainly am not going to talk about it to any of my friends.” Jennie’s voice grew more agitated. She began to wave her arms to emphasize her point. “I mean, think about it! My husband is a soldier over in Afghanistan, fighting for his country. To most people, he is a hero. How was it one of my friends put it awhile back? Oh, yeah. He’s my warrior husband! How can I say anything negative about him when he’s putting his life on the line for God and country?”

  “Jennie, I think you’re not giving people enough credit. They will understand that people who experience combat face a lot of challenges, and those challenges often spill over into their family relationships.”

  “No, Mom, they don’t,” Jennie shook her head rapidly. “I mean, I already tested the waters on this one, and that was enough to convince me I have no desire to jump in feet first. You know how Gerald was never much of a partier? Then, he comes back and tells stories involving him and his buddies being in the bars. Also, even though we agreed before we got married that we don’t want our children to be raised in a home with cigarette smoke, I never knew him to smoke until after he came back on his leave the first time. When I met him at the airport, his fatigues reeked of smoke. I thought it was because he had been around smokers. Then I kissed him, and I knew.

  “And what did my friend say when I told her that, Mom? She just brushed it off, saying my husband was fighting in a war and that I need to make allowances for him because of the stress of battle. In other words, I was the one who was lacking because I was not being understanding enough. He’s entitled to his behavior because he’s the one going off to war. Well, Mom, just how many allowances am I expected to make in the name of the stress of battle?”

  Jennie stopped pacing and turned to face her mother. Mother and daughter both knew what “allowances” Jennie meant. Gerald had already told her he had moved in with the woman he met when he was back in Georgia on TDY.

  “You know, Mom, I don’t want criticism or advice or judgment from anyone, especially when they don’t understand. People around me watch the news and see how all these servicemen and women return from overseas to warm welcomes and faithful, loving families. The news stations hype them up as heroes because they risked their lives for us. Okay, I grant you that they have made a great sacrifice to fight for this country. Which is why, for me to not welcome my husband home with open arms and professions of undying love and devotion no matter what he has done or how he regards me would be regarded as unforgivably unpatriotic. Some might even consider it treason.”

  “I think you are getting a little melodramatic, Jennie.”

  Jennie began to pace again in silence.

  “Maybe you can’t relate to this, Mom, because you and Dad have always been together,” Jennie said. “As far as I know, anyway, you two have never had major problems that threatened to break up your marriage.”

  “All marriages have their ups and downs, Jennie. But, yes, our marriage has always been pretty solid. A big part of that is because of commitment. Plus, we both love and respect each other.”

  “And I have always wanted to be committed to my marriage, too, Mom. I never considered it as something Gerald and I would try to see if we like, but if not, then we’ll just walk away from each other. It’s not like I don’t want to welcome my husband home with open arms. But so much has happened and so much as been said, I’m not sure what I w
ant anymore.”

  “Both partners in a marriage have to be willing to work for it, Jennie. You can’t make it happen by yourself. You have no control over his decisions.”

  Feeling deflated after her outburst, Jennie sat back down on the edge of her bed and pressed her clasped hands between her knees. She stared into space a few moments before she spoke again.

  “But, that’s the hard part, isn’t it? Right now, I still want my marriage to Gerald to be real. I want to have it the way it was the first time he came home from Afghanistan so I can honestly welcome him home with open arms. I’m not willing to have him decide anything different. He says he wants a divorce, but first I have to figure out if he has really made his final-final decision. Then, if he does want one for certain, I have to decide what I’m going to do. During all this, I try to look at all the consequences down the road so that, hopefully, what I decide to do doesn’t end up coming back to haunt me.”

  “Honey, I know this is so hard. I am so proud of how you are dealing with this. You have already made a start by deciding to go back to college.”

  “Thanks, Mom. I know I can count on you and Dad to stand by me. I just wish someone really knew how I feel. My whole world has been turned upside-down against my will. I feel like everything I thought was real and good, isn’t—and maybe never has been. I feel like I’ve been living a lie, and no matter how much I want to change it to the truth, I can’t.”

  “Oh, Jennie…”

  Jennie turned her head and looked at her mother. There was something in her mother’s expression that spoke of more than sympathy and concern. Jennie sensed that she had somehow touched something deep within her mother’s soul.

  “Jennie, I have never had to deal with the kind of marital problem you are facing, thankfully. But, I want you to know that I truly do understand what you feel.”

  Jennie felt a sense of amazement mingled with peace descend upon her as her mother walked over and sat on the bed next to her, wrapping her hands around Jennie’s clasped hands. They looked deeply into each other’s eyes. The rift that had divided them emotionally in the past days had completely disappeared.