Family Secrets

by Zina Abbott

  I knew Mike’s financial situation was not good. Most of our dates had been very conservative because every extra penny he had went toward paying his legal fees. I remember looking at him for a moment before I decided what we needed to do. I asked Mike to quickly take me by my bank before it closed. He waited in his car while I took $300.00 out of my savings account. Now, I know that doesn’t sound like a lot of money these days, but, back then, it was quite a bit for what I had in mind.

  When I returned to the car, I held my hand with the money out to Mike.

  “If you can get tomorrow off work, I think we should go to Oregon and get your daughter.”

  “I can’t take your money,” Mike groused and pushed my hand away.

  “You can pay me back after we’re married,” I countered with my best no-nonsense expression, my hand still held out to him.

  I don’t often argue with Mike because I prefer to choose my battles. But that time, I held my ground. It didn’t take him long to come around and take the money. I knew it wouldn’t. Bringing Christy home was what he really wanted to do.

  We quickly stopped by my apartment, then his mother’s house, to change clothes and pack a few things. We bought food and supplies at the grocery store. We finally started the long, hard drive up to Oregon. Fortunately, there was no rain or snow. However, being November, it was cold. Even though we traded off driving, there did come a point in the middle of the night when we pulled off and we both slept for a few hours. Boy, was I glad I thought to bring blankets.

  Before dawn, Mike woke up and started driving again. When it was almost six-thirty, he found a pay phone. Using the change we brought for this purpose, he called in sick. In all the years I have been married to Mike, he has never been one to call in sick because he wanted the day off for personal reasons. But he called in sick that day.

  Later that morning, Mike called the phone number the attorney had given him for the commune. He told Ozzie that he was on his way up. The two set up a time and place to meet.

  “The guy’s higher than a kite,” Mike said, shaking his head with disgust when he rejoined me in the car. “But, at least he said he would bring Christy and Sherrie. He promised me Sherrie would sign the papers.”

  We continued north until we reached the little town near the commune. Mike drove up, and then back down the main street, which was just about the only street in town, before he parked in front of a little café where we sat at the counter and ate a late lunch.

  “Do you know where the notary public’s office is here in town?” Mike asked the waitress. He had her name and address from the attorney, but he hadn’t seen the street on our first pass through town. The waitress gave us directions.

  The office was in the woman’s home located on a side street. Once we arrived, we found out from the stenciled lettering on the front window that she also did bookkeeping and tax work.

  Mike rang the bell until she answered. She was planning to help Mike, but she had not expected us that day. Still, she agreed to follow us to the meeting place, which was a dirt lot next to the feed store. She would notarize the documents Mike had for Sherrie to sign.

  Mike and I waited for what seemed like the longest time for Ozzie, Sherrie and Christy to arrive even though I think it was less than an hour. Finally, this classic hippie van, an old Volkswagen bus painted all over with bright-colored flowers and peace symbols, pulled up on the other side of the dirt lot from us.

  Ozzie jumped out of the driver’s seat and trotted toward us. Mike also climbed out of our car to meet him. Even though it was cold, I cranked opened the window to hear what was said. Ozzie shook his head and held up his hand, signaling Mike to stop.

  I looked over toward the bus. In the front passenger seat, I saw Sherrie. She looked like she was crying hysterically. First her hands covered her face. Next, she started flapping them in the air while violently shaking her head. She turned to look at something in the back, her hands clawing at something I couldn’t see. I watched as she eventually pulled a little girl up into her lap. She clutched the child to her.

  “Don’t go over there, man,” Ozzie said to Mike, shaking his head. He appeared nervous and jittery. “She’s coming off a bad trip, man, really freaked out. Just stay here and I’ll get the baby for you. I promise. But, you go over there and spook her, she might change her mind just to spite you.”

  Ozzie jogged back to the bus. Then, as if to emphasize his point, halfway there he turned and motioned again for Mike to stay back.

  Mike was not one to take orders from someone like this man, but he had the good sense to realize that there was too much at stake for him to not cooperate. He backed up and leaned against the front fender of his car, his arms crossed and his face set in stone. We both watched as Ozzie opened the passenger door of the bus and talked to Sherrie. He stroked her cheek with his palm as she shook her head. While still talking to her, he tried to pry little Christy from her grasp. Sherrie pulled Christy away and shook her head, her eyes wide with panic. I began to worry that Sherrie was not going to give up her daughter and that we might have made this trip for nothing.

  Then, as Ozzie continued to talk to her for what seemed like the longest time, Sherrie gradually calmed down. Finally, Ozzie lifted Christy from Sherrie’s lap and into his arms. He opened the side cargo door to the bus and closed it a moment later. I sighed with relief as he walked toward our car holding Christy. She was wearing a long dress, a hand-knit yellow sweater and moccasins. He carried a small cloth bundle.

  I watched Ozzie as he crossed the lot to our car. I could tell Christy was sobbing, and he talked softly to her, trying to calm her. He used the back of his index finger to stroke her cheek. I studied the expression on his face. There was no doubt in my mind why he was doing this.

  I turned to look at Mike. I knew Mike hated Ozzie. His jaws tightened and, although he kept his arms crossed, his hands clenched into fists as he watched this man tenderly caress his daughter.

  But, I saw something different in the man that day. He wasn’t helping reunite Christy with Mike in order to get rid of Christy. He wasn’t trying to protect Sherrie from being declared an unfit mother and possibly being sent to jail for her drug use. He loved Sherrie and he wouldn’t have risked his relationship with her for that. He was doing this because he also loved Christy. He knew Sherrie was spiraling out of control and that Christy would be better off with her father. I will always respect him for that.

  When Ozzie handed Christy over to Mike, the poor little girl looked at her father with a startled expression. Then she screwed up her face and began to howl. It was to be expected that she wouldn’t remember Mike after being taken away so young. Yet, I knew this broke Mike’s heart. He held Christy to him and whispered in her ear as he patted her on her back. She twisted away from him and reached back for Ozzie.

  “I gotta get back to Angel, man,” Ozzie sniffed, as he started to back away.

  “Just a minute!” Mike called out to him. “We’re not finished yet. I need Sherrie’s notarized signature on these papers.”

  Ozzie stopped. Mike hurried to my side of the car. I opened my door and took Christy from him. She bawled and struggled in my arms. I watched as Mike motioned to the notary public who had been sitting in her car this entire time. She stepped out and waited while Mike retrieved the folder of papers that needed to be signed from our car and walked over to hand them to her. I watched her take a deep breath and square her shoulders as she stepped forward to join Ozzie. They walked together toward the bus while Mike and I stayed on our side of the lot, anxious with anticipation.

  There was another scene between Ozzie and Sherrie which I could see, but not hear, because it was cold enough that I rolled the window back up. The notary public stood to the side with an expressionless face until Ozzie once again calmed Sherrie down before he motioned the woman over. Mike and I watched as the three went through the process of getting the legal documents signed, and everything stamped. She handed Sherrie her copies and walked back a
lone, straight to Mike. Ozzie started the van with a roar of the engine and peeled out of the lot, raising a cloud of dust. Mike and the notary public went over the forms to make sure everything was official.

  Once they were finished, Mike paid the notary. I noticed a smile light up her face when he slipped her an extra twenty dollars for her trouble. Like I said, back then, twenty dollars was worth more.

  While all this was going on, I rubbed Christy’s back and talked softly to her, doing my best to calm her down. Through her tears, I saw her study my face while she sucked on the first two fingers of her left hand. Finally exhausted, she fell asleep in my arms.

  I’m not sure I can explain what I felt right then. I think you have to experience it yourself in order to understand it. But, as I looked down at this little ragamuffin, her hair uncombed and dirty, her face streaked with tears and her clothes giving off an unwashed odor tinged with urine, I fell in love with Christy. Perhaps it was because I knew this was Mike’s daughter and she would be with us for the rest of our lives. I don’t know. What I did know was that from that time forward, I knew I loved Christy and never wanted to let her go.

  Once Mike was back in the car, he turned it around and started out of town. We both wanted to get away from there as fast as possible, almost as if we feared that if we stayed, someone would come after us and try to take Christy away again. He kept looking over at the back of Christy’s head as he drove. Hoping that she was in a deep enough sleep that I wouldn’t startle her awake by moving her, I gently turned her around so Mike could see her face when he looked at her.

  As soon as I moved her, I felt the damp spot on my pants leg. I mean, Whew! I was certainly glad I had brought along another pair of slacks! The back of her little dress was damp, also. I checked underneath and she wasn’t wearing a diaper or any panties. I wondered if she was potty-trained at all. There were so many things about her we did not know.

  About an hour and a half down the road we came to another town. As soon as Mike saw the K-Mart, he pulled into the parking lot, determined to buy her some new clothes and diapers, enough to get her back home. He was ready to toss the little bundle that came with her into the nearest garbage can. I convinced him to look through it first. We found a hand-crafted sock doll and a carved wooden stick with two wooden beads attached to either end by cords. We kept those in case they were favorite toys. Mike threw the rest away.

  I remember that after we shopped, we decided to rent a motel room for the night. Christy desperately needed a bath. I needed to change and Mike and I were too tired to travel straight home that night. After lathering Christy all over with baby shampoo during her bath, she smelled so clean and sweet. I dressed her in a little pair of pink pants and a matching sweater. She looked so cute.

  I put a disposable diaper on her, just in case. Disposable diapers were still fairly new back then. Most mothers still used cloth diapers. Evidently, Christy was not used to a disposable diaper because she kept trying to tug it off. In fact, I figured out later that she was not used to wearing anything on her bottom. It took us quite awhile to get her accustomed to wearing panties and pant outfits.

  By the time Mike and I found a place to eat dinner, Christy seemed to be more comfortable with us. She sat in her highchair, her food in a bowl, and looked back and forth at Mike and me as she ate. She quickly let us know she didn’t like salad. She did eat a few cooked peas and diced carrots along with some French fries and bites of chicken.

  We rented only one room that had two beds because I knew it was going to take both of us to take care of Christy that night. Once we were back in the room, Mike coaxed Christy until she finally climbed into his lap and let him hold her. She kept her two fingers in her mouth as she looked back and forth between me and Mike. When we turned on the television, she seemed surprised and intrigued by it. I suspected they didn’t have televisions at the commune.

  I felt Mike’s eyes study my every movement as I dressed Christy in her blanket sleepers and readied her for bed. I gave her back to him to rock to sleep, after which he gently laid her in the bed where I would sleep.

  He turned off the television, and he took me into his arms.

  “Jan, is there any way I can talk you into moving the wedding date up?” he asked softly in my ear as he leaned over and nuzzled my neck. “I hate us not being married yet. I know my mother will be willing to watch Christy for a few days while I work, but she never has enjoyed young children. Right now, Christy has to adjust to so many new things. And you are so good with her.”

  “Move it up how far, Mike?” I pulled away from him to look into his eyes.

  “How about next Saturday in Reno?” he asked. “We’ll tell everyone they’re invited, and if they can make it, to please come. I know you want a big wedding, Jan, but…”

  “I don’t want a big wedding, Mike. All I really want is my own family.”

  “Then you’ll do it?” he asked, his voice filled with hope. “It’s my long weekend and I managed this year to get two weeks of my annual leave scheduled so I can be off for Thanksgiving. I don’t have the money to take you on a honeymoon, yet, but at least we’ll be together.”

  “I don’t want a honeymoon, Mike It’s better that we don’t leave Christy too long right now, anyway. Yes, I’ll marry you next Saturday. Do you think your mother will watch her so we can have a wedding night alone?”

  Mike clutched me close to him and, well, maybe I shouldn’t be telling you this, but he kissed me more passionately than I believe he ever had to that point. I loved him so much and I was so excited about getting married to him within the week that I kissed him back just as passionately. I could feel him getting aroused, and I could feel my own desire exploding inside me. I just knew where we were going if I didn’t put the brakes on things. I started to pull away.

  “Oh, Jan, don’t.” He groaned. “Can’t we have our wedding night tonight? In a week we’ll be married anyway. Will one week really make that big of a difference?”

  It took everything I had in me, but I gave him the answer he didn’t wanted to hear.

  “It makes a difference to me,” I whispered in his ear. “Please, let me go.”

  Just then, Christy came to my rescue. We had put some pillows at the edge of the bed to keep her from rolling off. While trying to roll over, only to be stopped by the pillows, she woke up and started fussing. He released me and I moved to comfort her until she fell back asleep.

  By the time I finished settling Christy down, Mike was sitting in the only chair in the room. I sat on the foot of the bed that Christy and I would share, still struggling to get my desire for Mike under control.

  “I don’t know if you can understand this, Mike,” I said, trying to not stumble over my words, “but I don’t look at a wedding as a meaningless ritual or an excuse for a party. I look at it as a solemn ceremony where two people make a lifetime commitment to each other. I decided when I was a young teenager that I want to make love for the first time with the man who is my husband. I’ve been made fun of and I’ve lost out on a few dates because of my reputation for not being easy. I know it may sound idealistic and silly to you, but I’m so close to my goal. I don’t want to give up my dream now.”

  Mike looked at me and smiled.

  “I love you so much, Jan. I’ve waited this long for you. I guess I can wait one more week.”

  By then, after traveling and picking up Christy we were so exhausted that we were ready to fall asleep. I crawled into the bed next to Christy with my clothes still on. Mike stayed fully dressed as he stretched across the other bed. I didn’t have to wait long before I figured out that I was going to have to get used to a husband who snores.

  It was good we planned the wedding for the following weekend. Even though we had Christy over at my apartment each night after we both got off work, Mike’s mother, as he had predicted, struggled having Christy alone with her through the day. Christy was not a happy little girl, either.

  That Friday, Mike spent the day moving into
my apartment everything but his shaving kit and the clothes he needed for the wedding. I waited until I arrived in Reno to pick out a suit for my wedding dress. Fortunately, except for the one formal wedding photograph we had taken, Pat took pictures of the wedding. My parents who came up from Lodi paid for the wedding chapel, including my bouquet with blue carnations that matched the cute little dress Mike and I bought for Christy. They also paid for the wedding dinner.

  We won’t go into the wedding night other than to say I was so happy. It was everything I could have hoped for.

  But, we were relieved once we were able to pick up Christy and go back to our own apartment together. While he was off work those two weeks, Mike found a two-bedroom apartment for us and a nice used queen-size bed. We moved at the end of the month.

  Another thing we did on his time off right after we returned from Reno was talk to the lawyer about me filing for a single parent adoption. Even though Sherrie had relinquished her parental rights to Christy, we were concerned that she might try to go back to court later in an attempt to get Christy back. I agreed with Mike that once I adopted Christy, we should be immune to legal challenge. Plus, I already thought of myself as her mother, not her step-mother. I wanted it official. I was so thrilled when I finally received that amended birth certificate for her in the mail. I read it over and over. There was my name, Janice Kay Reed, listed as Christy’s mother.

  I know I tell everyone that I waited several years before having Kenny in order for us to have time to bond with Christy. That’s not exactly true, because I bonded with her the day we picked her up in Oregon. What I was really concerned about was not overstressing Mike. We had a lot of debt due to the legal fees for getting Christy back. And, it was a hard choice for us to make, but we decided I should quit my job and stay home with Christy. That’s the way Mike wanted it. I agreed with him that it was best for Christy.