How to Marry Your Husband

by Jacqueline Rohen

  ‘I’m back,’ he shouted. Without any fuss, David put the cats in their cages and left for the vet’s. He told Rachel he loved her as a parting shot. He presumed it was too little, too late, but Jojo had given him an injection of hope.

  As it was an emergency Dr Parry-Wilson agreed to see Neville and Oscar during his lunch hour. David interrupted the vet finishing an avocado wrap.

  ‘I’m vegetarian but I’m thinking of going vegan.’ David nodded. Of course he was going vegan, he thought to himself sarcastically. He was going to reply with some controversial facts about veganism and the environment and climate change, but the moment passed.

  ‘Hello, Neville and Oscar, what have we got here?’ Luke talked directly to the sulking felines and then turned his attention to David. ‘So you know what to expect when you see the invoice, we take poisoning, potential or otherwise, very seriously. I’m going to do a physical exam and take blood and urine samples. It’s going to be around a hundred and fifty pounds. Each.’

  David hoped his face didn’t react negatively to the £300 bill coming his way.

  ‘How about I throw in an ECG for free?’

  David didn’t know if the vet was joking.

  ‘Sorry, in all the rush, let me introduce myself. I’m the new vet in charge, Dr Parry-Wilson. Please call me Luke. And you must be Kevin.’

  ‘No. No, I’m David.’

  ‘Oh, Rachel’s ex-husband, yeah? Nice to know the pet-sharing—’

  ‘What? No. You’re mistaken. Not ex. Very much married. Her husband. I’m Rachel’s husband. And she’s my wife!’ He shouldn’t have to explain his circumstances to Dr Parry-Wilson but it felt very necessary. David heard the words tumbling from his mouth while his hands gesticulated wildly to hammer home the emotion he was trying to convey. ‘I’ll have you know that Rachel and I are very happily married. We’re going to renew our vows and go to Paris!’ David felt like a Bond villain, giving away his master plan without any agreement from Rachel. ‘Not all at the same time,’ he added. ‘And you know what? I’m taking Neville and Oscar somewhere else. I don’t want you anywhere near my cats again. Come on, boys, we’re going.’

  Neville and Oscar were shrunken versions of their garden psychopath personas but showed no inclination to help David as he tried to cajole the cats back into their cages. Neville was suffering post-traumatic shock and dug his claws into David’s jeans where they took root in his right thigh. Luke moved forward to help.

  ‘Don’t touch him! Don’t you ever touch him again’ David warned.

  Luke stood uncomfortably as he watched David’s attempts to coerce the cats back into their transport cages.

  David’s face reddened as Luke tried to look anywhere but at the violence playing out on his treatment table. It took nearly ten minutes for the cats to be rehoused securely in their cages, but finally David was finished. He uttered a breezy goodbye and made an unwieldy exit with a cat box in each hand.

  Neville and Oscar stayed silent as David sat in the car and asked them what he should do next.

  David missed Rachel. He missed it all. And the worst of it was, he didn’t know how to get it back. Jojo had advised him to follow his heart, but it was now fractured.

  David was fussing in the kitchen when Rachel opened the front door and instead was greeted by Neville and Oscar.

  ‘My boys! You’re home!’ he heard her exclaim, happy to see them alive.

  They curled their tails around her legs, which David interpreted as protest against the drama he had caused at the vet’s. He was relieved they couldn’t tell on him.

  David waited as Rachel she dropped her handbag and kicked off her heels in the direction of the shoe cupboard under the stairs, but they didn’t quite make it to their destination. She went through to the conservatory to take in the sunset.

  He stood behind her and put his arms over her shoulders. She squeezed his hand. Was it in solidarity? In love? Or was it a pity squeeze, and she was planning to tell him she was leaving him for the ‘Guru of Grunge’?

  David retreated to the kitchen and reappeared with two Blood Orange Martinis.

  BLOOD ORANGE MARTINI

  50 ml blood orange juice

  50 ml Vodka

  30 ml Cointreau

  50 ml fresh lime juice

  He had prepared pan-fried duck in cherry sauce, one of his three signature dishes. Before she could ask what the special occasion was, he clinked his glass against hers.

  ‘You’ll never guess what?’ Rachel asked.

  Questions ran through David’s head. You’re leaving me? You’re bonking the vet? You want a divorce? You want to see other people? You fucked the wedding DJ?

  He took a gulp of his drink to steady himself.

  ‘Give up?’

  David nodded.

  ‘Guess who got lucky at the wedding?’

  God, you did sleep with the DJ! At my own sister’s wedding. That is inappropriate on so many levels. Since when was Rachel cruel? And when could she have found the time?

  ‘Give up? Eva and Kevin!’

  ‘Thank God for that!’ David was relieved to find he was not the answer to the guess who lost their marriage overnight game.

  Rachel looked at him oddly.

  ‘I mean, that’s great, isn’t it? You always say Kevin needs someone more brain-appropriate,’ David continued.

  ‘It is great, isn’t it!’ She clapped her hands and asked, ‘What’s the special occasion?’

  ‘Does there have to be one? I wanted to thank you for being you. And for what an amazing job you did for Jojo and Beth. Thank you. It really was a day to remember!’

  ‘Sounds like you’d forgotten how brilliant I am?’ Rachel winked at him.

  ‘You’re not going to ask about the vet’s?’ he enquired.

  Rachel swooped down to gather Neville in her arms and swung him like a baby. ‘I didn’t need to ask – look at them, they’re alive! Was it expensive? Do you want me to do dessert?’

  David had so many questions to ask but was afraid of the answers. He nodded half-heartedly and Rachel collected the ingredients for a dark chocolate sauce.

  David served the duck. It was a perfect pink in the centre. ‘Rare Duck Pink’ could be its own dedicated Pantone.

  ‘You know, call me an old romantic, but what with the wedding, and … everything … maybe we should think about … only if you want to … We could renew our vows if you wanted. Before friends and family this time. What do you think?’ he asked.

  David, stop waffling!

  Rachel

  36

  When Rachel arrived at the office, Eva skirted around the subject of Kevin.

  Rachel raised a hand. ‘I don’t need to know about what went on with my brother unless it’s serious and not a one-off bit of fun. I don’t want the sordid details. I don’t want to hear a whisper of sweet nothings. And knowing you both as I do … No, I’ve said enough.’

  Eva mimed putting a lock on her mouth and throwing away the key. ‘You okay?’ she asked.

  ‘Eva, I’m glad you’re here. I feel like I need to confess everything to David. It’s all such a mess. I’m so embarrassed. You know the vet—’

  ‘The dashing Dr Doolittle? Go on.’

  ‘Well, this morning it seemed that one or both of the cats might have eaten chocolate.’

  ‘Is it potentially fatal, like it is for dogs?’ Eva interrupted.

  ‘Exactly. I couldn’t bear to face Dr Luke, so I sent David. Well, I asked him to go but he left to catch a train, then ten minutes later came running back in superhero mode and took the cats. He was acting all magnanimous, like he’s up for Husband of the Year or something.’

  Eva cackled. She went into the office kitchen and brought out Jaffa Cakes.

  ‘What happened then?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘Nothing? What did David say about the dishy vet?’

  ‘Nada. He cooked me a special dinner, made me a cocktail. And it was a lovely night …’

 
‘Oh, it was, was it?’ Eva smiled.

  ‘David, in a roundabout way, suggested we renew our vows.’

  Eva gasped and clapped her hands. ‘It’s worked! The plan’s worked!’

  Rachel urged her cheeks to stop reddening and asked to change the subject, saying she didn’t know what she wanted anymore.

  ‘Can I say something? You might not want to hear it, but I think you avoided the vet because you no longer want revenge. You want to get married to David and stay married!’

  ‘No!’

  ‘Yes! Admit it!’

  ‘I don’t know! I mean, maybe!’ Rachel pretended the thought had just crossed her mind.

  ‘It’s okay, Rach, you don’t have to be a mean, bitter old shrew just because I am!’

  ‘As if! And not according to my brother! But we’re not going to talk about him.’ Rachel winked. ‘Do you think I’m weak, a walkover?’

  ‘No, but only you can walk in your shoes. You have to do what’s right for you and no one else. How did it happen? Do you think he suspects you’re on to him?’

  ‘No! I don’t think so. Or I didn’t – not until you just said it …’ They were interrupted by Rachel’s mobile ringing. Eva gestured for Rachel to take the call, and returned to her desk.

  ‘We’re back!’ Jojo sang down the phone to Rachel. She continued, ‘what’s that … you need to meet me today? I’ll see what I can do.’

  Rachel was puzzled and asked Jojo what she was talking about.

  Jojo whispered that she needed to escape. She loved Beth’s parents, but only in thirty-minute segments on Skype when they were all the way across the Atlantic Ocean. The last seventy-two hours had depleted her reserves of politeness. And please, please, please, could Rachel save her?

  Rachel was delighted to step in. Jojo suggested they meet for a coffee at The Brew.

  Jojo gave Rachel the biggest hug.

  ‘I’ve missed you,’ she said, stroking Rachel’s hair. ‘This is cute – it suits you.’

  ‘Yours too!’

  They ordered coffee. A cappuccino for Rachel and an Americano for Jojo.

  ‘How was the honeymoon?’

  ‘I’m not sure I’m ready to go there. Let’s just say it wasn’t the romantic break I was hoping for. A new wife, horrid morning sickness, the Texan in-laws from hell, and ten hours on a train without a working toilet! Do you know what Beth’s dad said when we got back?’

  Rachel shook her head.

  Jojo attempted a Texan drawl. ‘Excuse the poor accent, “Now can I take a dump in peace? We’ve been on a train since, I don’t know when, yesterday some time.” I’m sorry, I shouldn’t complain. Ed’s actually lovely, except when he’s overtired or in Wales it seems. But more importantly, and please don’t interrupt, I need to apologise …’

  ‘What do you need to—’ Rachel tried to ask.

  ‘For everything.’ Jojo released her inner neuroses. She started at the beginning – when she and Beth first decided to have a baby, they were so scared it wouldn’t work, or at least wouldn’t work first time, they’d made a vow not to tell anyone. ‘And then when the egg fertilised and grew, it was even more special with just the two of us knowing about it. But we completely abandoned you, didn’t we? You’re my best friend and you’re amazing … The wedding was perfect. Thank you! A million times thank you. But I realise I’ve been so wrapped up in my own life, I didn’t stop for a minute to check how you were doing. I wasn’t even aware you and David were having problems. Not until—’

  They fell silent while the waiter delivered their coffee order.

  ‘I’m a selfish friend. Will you forgive me?’ Jojo said when he had gone.

  Rachel weighed up this speech and joked, ‘Well, I suppose you have been horribly self-centred …’

  ‘Ha! How about I give you my shortbread biscuit?’

  ‘Deal!’ They hugged again.

  ‘Now tell me, what has my stupid brother been up to? Do you think you can get through this? I’ve already told him that if anything happens, we get to keep you and he has to find another family.’

  Rachel was warmed by her friend’s loyalty to her.

  ‘Well … and I guess this is down to you … I’ve been besieged with flowers and special dinners lately, and last night he floated the idea of us renewing our vows.’

  Jojo tried not to take credit for that but Rachel could see she was inwardly jumping for joy. ‘Dare I buy a hat?’

  Rachel tried to conjure a smile, to give her friend her biggest, widest beam. But it wouldn’t come. Instead Jojo brought Rachel to her chest and gave her a bear hug.

  ‘What is it? Is it about the vet Eva was—’

  ‘No! That was just Eva being, well, Eva. It was smack bang in the middle of the Hoo-hah with David. Luke-handsome-vet-extraordinaire suggested a drink and I said yes.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘And nothing.’

  ‘Got a picture?’

  Rachel Googled the veterinary surgery’s website and showed Jojo the picture of Luke on the About Us page. He had a stethoscope around his neck and was holding the world’s longest sausage dog up to his face.

  Jojo laughed. ‘Wow, he really is good-looking. What a big sausage!’ she joked. ‘And you’re really saying nothing happened?’

  ‘Really, truly, seriously. Dinner, that’s all. With not even a hint of tongue.’ Rachel tried to make light of this conversation but she was only kidding herself. Luke had kissed her. She had fantasised about her tongue touching Dr Luke’s, and she’d be lying if she said she didn’t find him very attractive. ‘Jojo, be honest. Do you think David’s cheated before this? You’d tell me, wouldn’t you? My whole adult life hasn’t been a lie, has it?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Do you think David’s—’

  ‘What did you say?’

  ‘Do you think he’ll do it again?’

  ‘He’s cheated on you? David has?’

  ‘Yes, why, what did you think he’d …’

  ‘I think I’m going mad? My brother, David Ross Chatsworth, has cheated on you, Rachel?

  ‘Please, for the love of God, keep it down.’

  The waiter was hovering again. Rachel waved him away. Jojo was visibly fuming.

  ‘Wait, if you didn’t know about that, what did you think was going on?’

  ‘David told me that your wedding might not have been strictly legal.’

  ‘So he knew about that all along?’

  ‘I don’t think so. Something about an admin error. I got the impression he only found out later.’

  ‘I’ve been so stupid.’ Rachel filled Jojo in on the whole messy story. She started with the kiss she’d seen in the high street, and her trying to follow David; the sneaked calls and his nights away. ‘It gets worse. I bought all this stupid lingerie and he didn’t even come home that night.’ Rachel breathed in deeply, hoping not to cry. She flapped her hands to cool her face, which then garnered further unwanted attention from the waiter. Jojo shooed him away curtly.

  ‘When was this?’ Jojo asked.

  ‘I dunno. Before the bank holiday?’

  ‘He might have been with me.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘He’s been worried he was going to lose you – like really worried. Now I know the real reason, no wonder!’

  ‘Really? Do you promise? You’re not covering for him?’

  Jojo stated formidably, ‘I swear on my beautiful wife, I will never lie to you and I will certainly not lie for him.’

  ‘And then … oh my God, this is awful! Maybe I shouldn’t say.’

  Jojo tried to call over the waiter but he wasn’t falling for that trick again. ‘I’ll be back in a sec’.’ She went to the bar and came back with an ice bucket, a bottle of rosé and two glasses.

  ‘I bumped into his girlfriend. She was at a hen weekend at the same spa and I went batshit – and I mean absolutely batshit. I feel sick thinking about it.’ Rachel covered her face with her hands. ‘Jojo, I’m so confused, I don’t know what
I want. Sometimes I want everything to return to normal and at other times, I wonder if the relationship is even worth fighting for? I kept expecting him to leave. But he stayed, and then when he suggested Paris, and renewing our vows, from the bottom of my heart I wanted to say yes, but I couldn’t help thinking about him with this other woman. I’ve got to listen to that, right?’

  ‘You sure do, kiddo. So what are you going to do? What did you say to him?’

  ‘I said we’d talk after his birthday.’

  Rachel couldn’t find the courage to say what she was thinking, but she wanted to thank Jojo for trying to make David a better husband. Thank her for the candles, and the flowers, and the dinners. But she didn’t want a husband who had to be taught how to be romantic.

  She also wanted to say she’d miss her sisters-in-law because both Jojo and Beth meant the world to her. And she would miss spoiling the soon-to-be-baby-on-board, the niece or nephew who wouldn’t be hers to spoil. And she wanted to say: let’s stay friends. But she didn’t say any of those things. She didn’t want to make promises she might not be able to keep.

  Rachel blotted her blotchy cheeks with a napkin and took a deep breath.

  ‘Are you going to be okay?’ Jojo asked.

  ‘You know what? I am. I don’t need a David, or even a Dr Luke, or anyone else. I’m ready to be on my own.’

  ‘Good for you! You’re so strong, Rachel. You remind me of Norma when you’re like this.’

  Rachel rolled her eyes.

  ‘I’m going to kill him! I’m going to fucking kill him,’ Jojo said to herself.

  When Rachel got home she saw David had left a note saying he was going to his sister’s. That might be the last anyone saw of him. Rachel would not want to be in the path of Jojo’s wrath. She’d never seen her sister-in-law so angry.

  David

  37

  David stood at the bar waiting for Jojo. She’d texted to say traffic was bad and to order her a G&T with a fancy T. David didn’t know which tonics were deemed ‘fancy’. He selected the one with the nicest bottle, when Jojo appeared and ordered a different one.