Heart of Glass

by Nicole Jacquelyn

“When you thinking about heading down?” Dad asked as his arms wound around Mom’s shoulders.

  “Next week,” I replied, leaning my hip against the craft table. “I’m gonna drive down so I’ve got my truck.”

  “Shitty drive,” Dad said in commiseration. “You gonna stay with Shane and Katie? Maybe they’d come with you to meet the baby.”

  “You’re kidding, right?” I answered, my lips twitching. “I thought we didn’t want to scare the mom off.”

  My dad guffawed as Mom shook her head.

  “Everyone loves Kate,” she said in admonishment. “If anything, she’d probably become best friends with the girl.”

  “Let’s just wait and make sure she’s worth being best friends with, huh?” I said as we moved out of the craft room and down the hallway toward the kitchen. “We don’t know anything about her.”

  “Henry clearly liked her.”

  “Not necessarily,” I said, embarrassment making heat race up the back of my neck. “We don’t know if there was a relationship.”

  “Clearly not an important one if Hen didn’t ever mention her,” my dad said as he pulled food out of the fridge.

  “What?” my mom asked, glancing between the two of us. “Are you saying she was a—a one-night stand?” She sounded so scandalized that my dad snorted out a laugh, while I wanted to sink through the floor. Having any conversation about sex with my mother ranked at about the same level of discomfort as having my balls waxed…actually, I’d rather be having my balls waxed.

  “Not sure that Henry really had relationships,” I muttered, when she continued to stare at me as if waiting for an answer.

  “Well, that’s just great,” she barked as she stomped toward the kitchen sink. “And what about you?”

  My eyes widened in horror as I stood there frozen, too afraid to move in case a sound would make her turn in my direction.

  “Quit,” Dad said, slapping my mom’s hip lightly. “He doesn’t want to talk about that shit with you, crazy woman.”

  “I thought I raised them to respect women,” she replied as if I wasn’t even in the room. “I thought I taught them that sex was a gift and shouldn’t be taken lightly, but accepted with gratefulness.”

  “Now you’re saying our sons should be grateful to women willing to have sex with them?” Dad asked dubiously as I looked around, frantically trying to figure out the best escape route.

  “Well, aren’t you grateful I have sex with you?” my mom snapped.

  “Fair enough,” Dad said in agreement.

  Oh, fuck this. I needed to get the hell out of there.

  “Trevor Raymond Harris, don’t even think about it,” Mom said without turning in my direction. I’d taken only one step backward.

  “I need a beer,” I said, inching my way toward the back door. My dad always kept his brews in a cooler out back so Mom had enough room in the fridge for food.

  “You see what happens when you have sex willy-nilly?” Mom asked, spinning to stop my movement with a glare. “You see?”

  “I’ve never gotten anyone pregnant,” I said sharply, my shoulders snapping straight. “And I wouldn’t.”

  “You can’t know that for certain.”

  “I can damn sure do my best,” I retorted, standing my ground. “I’m careful, always.”

  “Careful doesn’t mean shit—”

  “Ellie,” Dad interrupted. “That’s enough.”

  Mom’s mouth snapped closed.

  “It’s not Trev you’re mad at. Quit harping on him.”

  Mom’s body practically quivered with suppressed anger, but she nodded shortly. “Go get your beer,” she ordered, her voice softening a little. She left the room without another word.

  “Jesus,” I mumbled once she was out of earshot.

  “She’s dealing with a lot,” Dad said, turning back to the onion he was slicing. “But you know that wasn’t meant for you, right?”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  “She’s trying to understand what your brother was thinking, leaving that baby,” he said without turning to look at me. “After all we’ve been through, those years of hoping and realizing that it just wasn’t gonna happen for us, and then finding a different way to build our family…hell, I don’t understand it, either.”

  “Just because it might’ve been a one-night stand,” I said, shaking my head even though he couldn’t see me. “That isn’t a reason. Wouldn’t be a reason for me.”

  “I know that, Trev,” he said, looking over his shoulder at me and nodding. “I know you, son.”

  “I don’t understand it either.”

  “You and Henry have never been the same person,” Dad said, going back to his onion. “You and Shane and Henry have always been as different as chalk and cheese and steak, and that doesn’t have nothing to do with how you look or when you came to live with us. Your personalities just couldn’t be more different.”

  “I never would have thought that he’d do something like this,” I said in disgust, stepping outside to grab a couple beers. When I stepped back inside, Dad was rinsing off his hands.

  “I couldn’t have imagined it either,” Dad said, accepting his beer with a nod of thanks. “But shit. You’re all grown men now. Gotta make your own decisions and live your own lives. I just keep telling myself that we’ve got no idea what the circumstances were around Henry leaving that baby.”

  “It’s bullshit,” I replied stubbornly.

  Dad reached out and gave my shoulder a squeeze. “Remember one thing, Trev, while you’re being pissed at your brother. He might not have taken care of his responsibilities the way we would’ve, but he still set up that life insurance to take care of them in case anything happened to him.”

  “You’re not angry?” I asked as he picked up the platter of raw hamburgers.

  Dad scoffed. “If he was here, I’d throttle the little asshole,” he mumbled as he took the platter outside.

  * * *

  I rode my four-wheeler home late that night. I’d always enjoyed hanging out at my parents’ place when I had the time. Even after my mom had lost her shit in the kitchen, I’d still stayed long after dinner bullshitting with the two of them. She’d seemed to have calmed down after a little time to herself, and I was thankful.

  I’d always been really sensitive to my mom’s moods. The moment I met her, I’d fallen in love with her. I’d been seven, standing on the front porch, surrounded by more trees than I’d ever seen in my life, with my social worker’s hand on my shoulder and a ratty backpack strap hanging from my hand. And when the door had opened and the small white woman with her soft smile and pretty-smelling perfume invited us in, I’d felt like I’d hit the jackpot. I’d been in a lot of foster homes by then—more than I could remember or count—but for some reason I’d felt instantly like I’d found where I belonged.

  I hadn’t even minded much when her barrel-chested husband had come into the room and rubbed his hand over the small of her back in greeting. No, that was a lie. At first, I’d wanted Mike gone. The pretty lady who smelled like vanilla was mine, and I’d had a hard time watching him move around her and kiss her. I’d had few good experiences with men at that point, and the big man seemed like trouble.

  As weeks had passed and I never witnessed Mike raise his voice, much less his hand, toward Ellie, he began to grow on me. I’d eventually even begun to spend time with him, tromping through the woods and fishing in the creek that ran through the property. Over time, our bond had strengthened into something that was lasting and irreplaceable.

  But if I was honest with myself, even after I’d begun to call the two my parents, and even after Mike had wiped at his eyes during my adoption hearing—the first time I’d ever seen a grown man cry—my first love, and my biggest love, had always been Ellie. My mom.

  So when Ellie cried, I felt it deep in my gut. When she was happy, it was like my entire body lightened until I felt like I could run for miles. I felt her emotions almost as if they were my own, and I’d spent a li
fetime adjusting to her moods even though it drove her crazy. She’d never understand the way I felt about her. She couldn’t.

  She’d taken in a seven-year-old boy who’d never had a damn thing in his entire life, and she’d loved him. Her love hadn’t been something I had to earn, and it had never been conditional. She loved me because I existed. It was that simple. And because it was so simple, I’d spent my life loving her back.

  I think, somewhere in the recesses of my mind, my love for Mom was the reason why I couldn’t forgive Henry. Beyond the fact that he’d gotten some woman pregnant and hadn’t told me, his brother, and beyond the fact that he’d left that woman high and dry and had abandoned his child, I couldn’t forgive him for the way Ellie’s face had fallen when I’d given her the news. And I couldn’t forget that he’d made me the bearer of that news by setting it up so that his will was given to me. The little asshole.

  My house was dark and quiet as I stepped inside, and I wished for the millionth time that I had a dog. It would be nice to have someone to hang out with, someone who was waiting and happy to see me when I got home. But I just couldn’t justify bringing a pup home when I was usually working late and it would be by itself all day.

  I shoved out of my boots and pulled off my coat as I ambled into the living room and dropped onto the couch. Summer was coming, so there wasn’t shit on TV, but I found a new action movie that I hadn’t seen and threw my feet up on the coffee table. I needed a reprieve from the thoughts of Henry and my upcoming trip.

  * * *

  The next week passed in a blur of taking care of things that wouldn’t wait at work and getting my house ready to close up for a while. I wasn’t sure how long I’d be in California getting to know Henry’s little girl and her mother, but I sure as hell didn’t want to come back to a messy house and a fridge full of rotten food.

  My house was built on my parents’ property, so I knew it would be easy for them to run over and take care of things while I was gone, but I didn’t want to bother them with it. I’d built my house on that piece of land partly because I couldn’t imagine leaving the forest that had saved me when I was a kid and partly because I knew my parents would never leave, and eventually they’d need me close. Both my mom and dad were still young and getting around fine, but my dad had been a logger for thirty years before he’d partially retired, and I knew that the day was coming when he’d have trouble. Logging wasn’t easy on a body. The pure physicality of the job would ensure that my dad’s joints and bones wouldn’t age gracefully, even if that same job had kept him fit well into his fifties.

  My phone rang as I was cooking dinner with what was left in my fridge, and I answered it without picking it up off the counter.

  “Hello?” I answered, barely paying attention.

  “Trev?” Anita called. “Why can I barely hear you?”

  “You’re on speakerphone, what’s up?” I asked, wrinkling my nose as I realized the broccoli I’d been ready to throw in the skillet was slimy on the bottom. Shit.

  Ani was my cousin Bram’s girlfriend, but she’d also been one of the foster kids my uncle and aunt took in when we were teenagers, so I’d known her for half of my life. She was a little bit crude, made off-color jokes that were rarely appropriate, and never let you get away with anything. She was also one of my best friends. Ani was the type who’d fight with you until she was out of breath, then defend you to others as soon as she’d inhaled again.

  “Me and Arielle are bored,” she said. “Bram’s working late, so we’re coming over.”

  “You had dinner?” I asked, looking over my pitiful stir-fry.

  “Yeah.”

  “All right,” I said, nodding. “See you in a few.”

  “Actually, I’m outside the house.”

  I laughed and turned the burner down before heading to the front door. “Why didn’t you just knock?”

  “Well, I didn’t want to just show up if you were beating the meat or something,” she answered, disconnecting as I threw open the front door.

  “You think I’d answer my phone if I was masturbating?” I asked as she carried her baby girl, Arielle, up the front steps.

  “Hey,” she scolded, covering Arielle’s ear with her hand. “Watch the language!”

  “Pretty sure with the amount of ‘fuck’s you use in a conversation, you can’t bitch about other people’s language,” I replied, stealing Arielle as they reached me. “Hey, sweet thing.”

  I turned and led the way into my house, not bothering to wait for Ani as she kicked off her shoes at the front door. She could find her way to the kitchen just fine considering the amount of time she’d spent at my house, and she’d look at me like I was an alien if I tried to play host.

  “Leaving tomorrow, huh?” she asked, as she entered the kitchen.

  “That’s the plan. I’m leaving early as hell so I can knock out most of the drive before noon.”

  “Good call,” she said, glancing into my dinner pan and wrinkling her nose. “You’re gonna stop for the night?”

  “Yeah.” I handed Arielle to her and went back to cooking. “I could probably make it by late tomorrow night, but there’s no reason to rush.”

  “Dragging your feet a bit now that it’s here?”

  “Not at all,” I argued. “But there’s no reason to make myself miserable getting there when I don’t have to.”

  “Word,” she said, sitting down at the table. “Although, getting up just to drive another full day is going to suck.”

  “That whole drive blows. At least I’m not bringing any of the kids with me.”

  “True that,” she said, nodding. “You’d have to stop every two hours so someone could pee.”

  “I’ll just bring some plastic bottles.”

  “There’s a visual I’d never hoped to have.”

  I laughed and dished up my dinner as she pulled out a toy for Arielle to play with and got more comfortable in her chair. As soon as I sat down across from her, she was staring at me closely.

  “You ready for this?” she asked seriously, bouncing Arielle a little on her lap.

  “I’ll deal with that as it comes,” I replied with a shrug. “Just hoping she’s not a complete shit show.”

  “I doubt it,” Ani said, shaking her head.

  “What, like Hen ever picked normal chicks to go home with? The guy was a magnet for weirdos.”

  “Henry’s a fuck,” she replied. “Leaving his kid like he did…but I don’t think he’s a fuck that would leave his kid with a shitty parent.”

  “Hell, I feel like I didn’t know him at all,” I mumbled. “I have no idea what he would have done.”

  “He saw what shit parents did to kids when you were growing up—”

  “Not firsthand,” I argued.

  “True,” she conceded. “He got placed when he was so little I don’t think he remembered his life before, thank God. But he still saw all those foster kids coming in and out of your house. Our family knows what that can do to a kid more than most.”

  “I’m just glad I’m going down there and my mom isn’t,” I said. “If the mom doesn’t let us see the baby…”

  “Yeah,” Ani said softly.

  “Where you guys at?” Bram called from the front door, letting himself in.

  “Kitchen!” Ani yelled back, smiling.

  “Come on in,” I said drily as Bram strode into the room. “Make yourself at home.”

  “Always do,” Bram replied, leaning down to give Ani a kiss and take Arielle from her lap. He looked at my plate and grimaced, glancing back at Ani. “Please tell me you didn’t eat whatever that is.”

  “I didn’t.” She laughed.

  “Tastes all right,” I said, taking a bite. “Add enough spices and anything tastes okay.”

  “Did you put corn in that stir-fry?” he asked, pulling out a chair. I just shrugged. I’d used up the last of my perishables, so I considered it a win.

  “Leaving in the morning?” Bram asked.

  I loo
ked at Ani and she rolled her eyes.

  “Yeah,” I answered. “I thought you were working late today.”

  “Nah,” he said, kissing at the tiny hands trying to grab at his beard. “You got so much shit done this week, I didn’t have much to do.”

  “Oh, shut it,” Ani mumbled as I gave her a look. “We wanted to come see you before you left.”

  “You could’ve just said that.”

  “No, I couldn’t. You would’ve said you were tired or something so we wouldn’t come over.”

  “I am feeling pretty beat.”

  “Liar.”

  “Are you guys really that worried about it?”

  “We just don’t want you to go down there and run into a bunch of shit,” Bram said seriously. “You should have one of us go with you.”

  “Pretty sure I can handle it,” I said, shoving food into my mouth. The colder it got, the worse it tasted. I needed to finish it before it became completely disgusting.

  “I don’t like it,” Ani said, leaning forward with her elbows on the table. “What if she’s a complete bitch?”

  “Then I’ll deal with it. Jesus, you two act like I’m going to fight a kraken.”

  “At least Kate’s down there,” Ani mumbled.

  “I haven’t told her I’m coming down.”

  “I may have let it slip,” Bram said so quietly I almost didn’t hear him.

  “Seriously?” I asked in irritation, giving up on the food in front of me. “You guys are seriously the most meddling people I’ve ever met.”

  “Look in the mirror,” Ani retorted.

  “I don’t meddle. You come to me,” I argued, getting up to dump the food in the garbage. “I let you figure out your own shit.”

  “He has a point,” Bram said.

  “Oh, boo hoo, Trevor,” Ani snapped. “You have family in the town you’re going to and they’ll probably want to see you at some point. Poor baby.”

  “I told my parents I’d stay there but I was planning on getting a damn hotel. You know she’s going to want to be in the middle of it all,” I said, referring to Kate. “She’s a problem solver and it’s driving her insane that I asked her to stay away from that Morgan chick.”