Heart of Glass

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  “Someday we won’t need these,” he said as my eyes popped open. He was rolling a condom on to his erection while his mouth traced patterns on my inner thigh. “But for now, we’ll be careful.”

  “Thank you,” I whispered.

  He crawled up my body and pressed his lips gently to mine. “And someday you won’t thank me for taking care of you,” he said seriously, his words so gentle they made my nose sting with unshed tears. “You’ll just expect it.”

  Then, slowly and reverently, he slid inside.

  We didn’t switch positions or race to the finish line. The first time he was inside me had been frantic, but this time was slow and steady, almost in time to the rain we could hear splashing onto the roof. When I came, it settled over me like a warm blanket, turning my bones to jelly. And when he finished close behind me, I watched through half-closed eyes as his face went slack with pleasure.

  Together, we rolled to the side and I snuggled in close as he pulled the blankets up and over us.

  “Jesus,” he mumbled, sighing as he pulled me even closer. “It actually gets better.”

  “I didn’t think it was possible,” I replied in wonder, staring at the ceiling.

  “Hell, neither did I.”

  He started to chuckle and the sound was so infectious that I did, too.

  “I love you,” he said, pressing his lips against my forehead.

  “I love you, too,” I replied, a little nervous even though I’d already said it to him before.

  “I’m sorry about tonight,” he murmured, running his hand lightly up and down my spine. “I just assumed that they’d skip dinner this week since my mom is still pissed at me. I wouldn’t have brought you there if I’d known they were going to cause problems.”

  “It wasn’t your fault.”

  “Still.” He paused. “I didn’t want you to have to deal with that.”

  “They’re your family, Trev,” I said gently. “It was bound to happen at some point.”

  “Not if I can help it.”

  I leaned up on my elbow and looked into his eyes, easily reading the worry there. He’d fought with his mom, the person he’d confessed more than once was the closest person to him in the world, and he was worried how I felt. It boggled my mind.

  “I’m sorry that you and your mom are fighting,” I said, laying my hand on his jaw.

  “I meant what I said to her—”

  “I know that.”

  I lay back down and wrapped my arm around his waist as he sighed.

  “How are you so sure all of a sudden?” he asked, his voice barely breaking the silence around us.

  “Because,” I said simply, closing my eyes as I rested my cheek against his chest and listened to his heart beat. “You don’t use words to hurt people.”

  * * *

  The next morning, everything felt different. As soon as I heard Etta awake in her portable crib, I climbed out of bed and got dressed quietly, letting Trevor sleep in. He’d tossed and turned and I didn’t think he’d slept much.

  I hated that I was causing such a problem between him and his mom, but I wasn’t about to become a martyr for her cause. I knew better than to think that if I disappeared things would go back to normal for them. Too much had been said, and she’d overstepped too badly for anything to be fixed that easily.

  “Please tell me you didn’t make the coffee,” Trevor said groggily as he came into the kitchen.

  “Of course not,” I replied, giving Etta her plate of scrambled eggs. “Even I don’t like my coffee.”

  “I can show you how to do it,” he said, grinning as he shuffled to the coffeepot.

  “But then I’d have to make it,” I pointed out, putting the rest of the eggs on two plates. “Why would I want that?”

  “Good point,” he replied. He walked toward me and kissed me gently. “Good morning.”

  “Good morning,” I whispered back.

  He took the plates from me and carried them to the table, kissing the top of Etta’s head as he passed her.

  “Hi Twevo,” Etta said, completely oblivious to the change in dynamics.

  We ate breakfast in companionable silence and took the dog out for his morning constitutional, but we didn’t make it in to town for a midmorning movie like we’d planned because we had unexpected company.

  “Shit,” Trevor mumbled as we watched his parents pull up the driveway.

  I didn’t repeat his sentiment, but I felt it. The cape of invincibility I’d worn the night before had dissipated in the light of day, and I was suddenly feeling very exposed, even with Trevor standing right beside me. Knowing someone doesn’t like you is a gross feeling, and knowing that there’s nothing you can do to change their mind makes it even worse.

  “Etta,” I said, calling her back to me when she started venturing toward the driveway. “Bring Koda over to the grass so he doesn’t hurt his paws on the gravel.”

  My excuse for her to move away from her grandparents was flimsy, but thankfully it seemed to make sense to her, and she called Koda impatiently as she moved toward the side of the house.

  “If they say anything shitty, take Etta into the house,” Trevor said quietly as his parents climbed out of the SUV. “I don’t think I can keep my cool.”

  “Yes, you can,” I replied, resting a hand on his back in a quick touch of reassurance.

  By the time Mike and Ellie reached us, my arms were crossed over my chest and Trevor had grown so tense I was afraid he would snap.

  “I’m sorry,” his mom said, not bothering with a greeting. “I don’t want to fight with you.”

  Trevor softened a little—I could tell by the set of his shoulders under the flannel he wore—but he didn’t say a word, just nodded.

  “I’m having a hard time with all this,” Ellie said, chewing the inside of her cheek as she fidgeted.

  “What she means to say is that she knows you’re an adult and you make your own decisions. And we support you in everything you do,” Mike added, his voice firm.

  “I don’t want to lose another one of my boys,” Ellie said, her voice barely a whisper.

  “That was never going to happen,” Trevor replied.

  Everyone went silent then, unsure what was left to say. Ellie had apologized and Trevor had softened, but he didn’t make any attempt to continue the conversation. He also didn’t invite his parents inside.

  “I love you,” Ellie said finally, stepping forward to give Trevor a long hug.

  “I love you, too, Mom,” he said, wrapping his arms around her shoulders.

  When he didn’t say anything else, she gave him a watery smile and went back to the car, leaving his dad standing in the driveway with us.

  “I’m real sorry about last night,” Mike said to me.

  “It’s okay,” I replied.

  “Well, no,” he said, tilting his head. “It’s not.” He looked at Trevor. “But we’re family, and family works through the hard times.”

  “It might take me a minute,” Trevor told him honestly.

  “Understandable.” Mike looked over at Etta and watched her crouch down to say something to Koda. “But we’d sure like to see you once in a while.”

  “I’ll call Mom later this week,” Trevor conceded. “That’s the best I can do for now.”

  “All right.” With a nod good-bye, Mike turned and walked back to the car.

  I watched them drive away with a sour feeling in my gut that only intensified when Trevor’s arm wrapped around my shoulder.

  “You should let it go,” I said, surprising even myself.

  “What?”

  “You should let it go,” I repeated. “Just…let it go.”

  “No,” he replied. “That’s not how it works.”

  “Maybe it should be,” I said, shrugging as he stared at me. “Look, I don’t think we’ll be best friends”—Trevor scoffed—“but that’s your mom. That’s Etta’s grandma. Life’s too short to hold grudges.”

  I figured I’d regret the words the
moment I said them, but I didn’t. I was on the winning end of this scenario. My place in Trevor’s life wasn’t up for debate, and knowing that made me crazily calm about the whole situation.

  “I’ll work on it,” Trevor said. He kissed me and walked into the house.

  I didn’t follow right away, thinking that maybe he needed a little time to himself, but half an hour later I was freezing my ass off outside and herded Etta and Koda into the living room. I came to an abrupt halt when I found Trevor sitting in the middle of the floor with boxes and a giant green bag spread out around him. I recognized the bag—not specifically, but generally.

  “What are you doing?” I asked, scooping up the puppy before he could go prancing through the stuff with his muddy paws.

  “I’m—” Trevor went silent as he looked at the stuff he’d spread out. “You’re right. Life’s too short to hold grudges.”

  His eyes met mine and we stared at each other for a long moment.

  “Come on, Henrietta,” I sang quietly. “It’s movie time in Uncle Trev’s room.”

  After putting the puppy in his kennel, I cuddled up with Etta in Trevor’s bed until she fell asleep halfway through the movie. Thankfully, she was tired and hadn’t needed much of my attention, because my mind was still in the living room with that bag that had Henry’s name on it. Scooping Etta into my arms, I carried her to her portable crib and tucked her in.

  Then I made my way back into the living room.

  “The kid had a lot of porn,” Trevor said, laughing a little even though his voice was hoarse with tears. “He may have had a problem.”

  “Oh yeah?” I replied, stepping gingerly around various flotsam as I ventured farther into the room. “Find anything else?”

  “Dirty socks,” he said, gesturing toward a brown pair of socks in the corner. “Some letters he got from my parents, bottle caps, clothes, that kind of stuff.”

  “Did you find what you were looking for?” I asked, letting him pull me onto his lap when I got close enough.

  He was silent for a long moment as he rested his forehead in the crook of my neck. “I was hoping for a note or something,” he finally said. “There wasn’t one.”

  “I’m sorry,” I replied, reaching up to smooth my hand down the back of his head.

  “It’s okay,” he said, sighing heavily into my neck. “I knew there wouldn’t be one. The only time Henry thought ahead was the day he put those insurance papers in your name. I’m just going to sort through this shit and then hand it off to my parents without the porn.”

  “You don’t want to keep any of it?” I asked, looking at the little badges and pins that should have been on a uniform. There were tons of the little things, like Henry had just kept losing them and buying new ones. Oddly, when his things had been packed up, they’d all been found again.

  It was strange to see Henry’s life summed up in a small pile of odds and ends. I thought about the time I’d spent with him, the nights of laughter and drinking, the early mornings when he’d followed me into the shower even though I was running late, his grin and the way he’d thrown his head back when he laughed. My eyes watered. I’d never loved Henry, but he’d been a great friend and he’d given me Etta. I’d always be thankful for that.

  “Nah, we can put a few things away for Etta,” Trevor said. “But I got what I wanted when Hen’s will was read and I came to find you.”

  “It’s weird how things happen, isn’t it?” I asked softly, leaning back against Trevor’s chest as I looked over the little pieces of Henry’s life spread out on the floor.

  “Yeah, it is.” He kissed the side of my neck, then whispered in my ear. “Are you going to stay with me?”

  I swallowed hard and nodded once, immediately feeling relieved instead of the panic I’d expected.

  “Good. You still love me?”

  “I love you,” I confirmed, twisting to look up into Trevor’s eyes. “But I need a shower like you would not believe.”

  His eyes crinkled at the corners when he realized that I was trying to make a joke. “Too late,” he said. “You can’t hide anymore.”

  Oddly enough, I didn’t even want to.

  * * *

  We spent the day playing with Etta and the puppy she’d begun to call hers. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt so settled in one place. Our apartments and houses had always felt like a stopping point, never somewhere we would stay for a long time. Even my dad’s house had been temporary until I got on my feet again. Trevor’s house was different. It felt like a place we could spend our lives, somewhere Etta could paint her room whatever color she wanted and someday invite her friends for sleepovers.

  I was happy. Genuinely content.

  That’s why, after dinner had been cleared and Trevor had cuddled up with Etta on the couch, I put on my jacket and grabbed my car keys.

  “Where do you think you’re going?” Trevor asked, teasingly reaching over the back of the couch to grab me.

  “We’re really low on toilet paper,” I said with a grimace, making him laugh.

  “I can go,” he said, moving like he was going to get off the couch.

  “No, it’s fine.” I set my hand on his shoulder and leaned over to kiss him. “It’s kind of exciting to go by myself for once.”

  “Me go,” Etta said, popping up from where she’d been lying.

  “Nah, we’ll let Mama go while we watch a movie,” Trevor replied, pulling her onto his lap.

  “No, me go, too.”

  “I think we have ice cream,” Trevor whispered, immediately quieting her protests.

  “I’ll be back soon,” I murmured, sneaking out before Etta started whining again.

  My stomach churned as I drove away from the house. I didn’t feel good about lying to Trevor, but I knew that if I’d told him where I was going he’d either try to stop me or want to come along. I loved that he felt so protective of us, but this was something I needed to do on my own.

  I’d never been to Trevor’s parents’ house before, but I knew I could find it by process of elimination. There were only three driveways on the stretch of road lining the property, and I’d already been down two of them. It was kind of hard to find my way in the dark, especially since all of the driveways were so long and winding, but eventually I knew I’d found the right place when I saw Ellie’s car parked in front of the beautiful one-story house.

  I was a little shaky so I hid my hands in my pockets as soon as I’d knocked on the front door. It was so quiet out in the middle of nowhere that I could hear a TV playing inside the house and the thumping of footsteps as they came toward where I was standing. When Mike opened the door, his eyebrows rose in surprise.

  “Hey, Morgan,” he said, taking a step back to let me inside. “What brings you by?”

  “Hi, Mike.” I tried to smile at him, but nerves made it more of a grimace. “Is Ellie around?”

  “Sure.” Mike hesitated, and looked past me. “Trev come with you?”

  “No, it’s just me,” I said quietly.

  He closed the door behind me without a word, then reached up to scratch the side of his jaw. After a moment, he nodded.

  “She’s back in the craft room,” he said, nodding his head toward the hallway. “I’ll show ya.”

  Ellie was sitting at a long table covered in scraps of paper and photos. She was so engrossed in what she was working on that she didn’t look up right away when we reached the doorway. By the time she stopped what she was doing and lifted her eyes, Mike had slipped away—or run for cover—and I was the only one standing there.

  “Yes?” Ellie asked, her voice flat.

  I’d had all of these replies prepared for when she asked why I was there, or called me a name, or kicked me out of her house, but I didn’t have anything planned for that kind of reception.

  “Um.” I clenched my fists inside my coat pockets.

  “I’m in the middle of something—”

  “Why do you hate me?” I asked, her dismissive words
triggering a little attitude of my own. “You don’t even know me.”

  “And whose fault is that?” she asked, throwing the paper in her hand down onto the table.

  “You’re kidding, right?” I sputtered. “I tried to get to know you. I invited you to my house.”

  “Then turned my son against me.”

  “I didn’t do that,” I ground out.

  “Thanks,” she said condescendingly.

  “If that’s what you think happened, I’m sorry.” My tone was nothing but nice, even though I wanted to turn around and walk right back out of that house.

  “Is that all?”

  “I think we got off on the wrong foot here,” I tried to say, but stopped when she snorted.

  “I’ve already said that I was sorry and cleared everything up,” she replied.

  It took everything I had not to snap at her. I’d never done anything to the woman and she seemed to have some major problem with me. I just didn’t understand it. I thought about leaving, but only for a second.

  “Listen,” I said, leaning against the doorjamb like I planned to be there for a while. “I’m here for one reason.”

  “I don’t have any more available sons,” she muttered. It was a low blow, but I let her take it.

  “I love Trevor,” I said, my voice quiet but strong. “And he adores you.”

  She flapped her hand in the air like she didn’t care what I was saying, but she didn’t reply.

  “I don’t understand why you’re so upset with us, but I hope that we can move past it. Not for my sake—I can handle anything you want to dish out—but for Trevor and Etta.”

  “Don’t you dare—” she practically growled, getting to her feet.

  “Mom,” Trevor snapped, startling me. I looked over my shoulder to find him coming down the hallway, his expression dark.

  “Trev,” I said, putting a hand on his chest as he reached me. “How did you know I was here?”

  “Hard to go shopping when you left your purse at home,” he said, still looking at his mom. “Good thing Etta’s seat is still in my truck, or I would’ve had to walk, and then I’d be really pissed.”