Getting Some Of Her Own

by Gwynne Forster

“I did as you told me, Susan, and he’s back home. Oh, Susan, I didn’t know I could be so happy.”

  “Do you think you’re expecting?”

  “I haven’t seen any evidence of that, but we’re definitely working on it.”

  Susan drove on. At least that relationship had a future. If only she could say the same for herself. She found a message on her office phone and returned Mark Harris’s call.

  “Good news, Susan,” he said, and she nearly sat on the floor when she groped for a chair. “All that stands between you and instant motherhood is a letter of recommendation from the person who served as principal of the Wade School tutoring program. The letter must verify good character and good work habits. The agency would prefer that you’d had local paid employment, but I gave them an affidavit about your business. So see Lucas and tell him I said you need the letter pronto.”

  She phoned Lucas and, in between expressions of joy and exultation, told him what she needed. “Oh, Lucas, I’m so overwhelmed.” And so ecstatic was she that, at first, she failed to notice his silence. When he didn’t respond, she asked him, “Aren’t you happy for me?”

  “I’m speechless. Can you come out here to my office? It adjoins my house. Remember?”

  “Sure,” she said, bubbling with happiness. “I should be there in about twenty minutes.”

  He stood in the doorway, his hands in the pockets of his khaki Bermuda shorts. She’d never seen him so casually dressed, with a short-sleeved T-shirt hanging out of his shorts, and a pair of sandals on his otherwise bare feet. She checked her gasp at his raw virility. “Hi,” she said and hoped she sounded normal.

  “Come on in.”

  She thought she detected a chill in his manner, but in her delirium over the status of the adoption proceedings, she dismissed the thought.

  “Mark said all the agency needs now is a character and job reference from you as principal of the Wade School tutoring program and I can sign the adoption papers and take Rudy home with me.”

  “Have a seat.” Her antenna went up, and the bottom dropped out of her belly. She didn’t like his formal manner with her.

  “What’s wrong, Lucas? Are you still angry with me?”

  He leaned back in his chair. “I have never been angry with you, Susan. Disappointed in you, hurt, even miserable because of you, but never angry with you. I am sorry that I can’t write that letter for you, at least not as things are.”

  She jumped to her feet. “What? You know how important this is to me. It’s everything to me.”

  “Yes, I do, and I’m sympathetic, but I’m not going to perjure myself.” He didn’t bat an eyelash at her loud gasp. “I cannot attest to your good character unless you explain to me truthfully why you invited me, a strange man you had seen once for five minutes, to your apartment for the purpose of going to bed with me. That’s an act that couldn’t be included in any reference as an example of good character, unless it was accompanied by one hell of an explanation. And I don’t want to hear any of the reasons you’ve already given me.”

  “That’s blackmail, Lucas. How could you be so mean?”

  “It isn’t meanness, Susan. It’s coming from my battle with what’s going on inside of me. You thought only of what you wanted or needed; you didn’t consider the effect that your scheme might have on me. I know you love Rudy, but if you don’t tell me the truth, you won’t get a reference from me.”

  She sat down, clutching her belly. He meant it. He wanted her to bare her soul to him, to expose her very guts.

  “All right, Lucas. I’ll tell you, and I hope you’ll be satisfied. Last December, my doctor told me that dozens of fibroids were growing inside and outside of my uterus.” He jerked forward, but she ignored him. “I would have no choice but to have a hysterectomy.” She didn’t look at him when she said that.

  “I consulted experts in several other cities, renowned physicians. Each painted a picture more dismal than the previous one. I had no choice. I decided that before I submitted to the surgery that would rob me of what I wanted most in life, I was at least going to experience satisfying sex, to know what an orgasm was like at least once.” She heard him suck in his breath, but she went on as if he weren’t there.

  “They said it wouldn’t affect sex, but I didn’t believe them. As you well know, I was not a virgin, but I didn’t know how or what I was supposed to feel. And I wanted a chance at it while I still had a whole body. I chose you. When I met you, I had decided not to encourage intimate relationships, that it wouldn’t be fair because I wouldn’t be able to have children.

  “However, after that diagnosis was confirmed repeatedly, I pulled myself out of the dumps and decided to have one solid fling. Who else but you? Everything about you says man. You’re handsome, sophisticated, the epitome of masculinity. Virile. The works. Two weeks after we made love the first time, I had the operation. I’m sorry if you’ve been hurt by this. I knew you couldn’t impregnate me, but if you had, I’d be a happy woman.”

  She put on his desk a paper on which she’d written the case worker’s name and address. “Send the letter to her.” She got up and started for the door.

  “Don’t go, Susan. Please. I’m . . . I can’t . . . I don’t have words to tell you how sorry I am. How—” He stood, but anticipating his next move, she rushed out of the office.

  He’d pushed her to the limit. He closed and locked his office door, walked over to the park that faced his house and sat on a bench. She would never forgive him. He closed his eyes and let the sun burn his face. What if she did forgive him? If he followed his heart, he would never have the family for which he longed.

  I love her, and she’s finished with me.

  He went home, dressed and drove to Hamilton Village, telling himself that the distractions there would force him to concentrate on his work.

  “Has Susan been here today?” he asked Willis after searching the entire eighth floor for her.

  “Haven’t seen her. Say, why don’t you, Aunt Noreen and I drive down to see Gramma this weekend. I can’t go next weekend, because I promised my dad I’d visit him in Denver.”

  Lucas agreed with Willis’s suggestion without giving it more than perfunctory thought. His mind was on Susan and the awful let down of not finding her there.

  “Why don’t you call Mama and see if she wants to go?” he asked Willis. “I don’t care one way or the other.”

  Willis dropped the plane he’d been using to determine whether the floor was perfectly level and walked over to Lucas. “Man, what’s wrong? I’ve never seen you like this.”

  “Long story, and I don’t think you want to hear it.”

  “Susan, eh?” Willis pushed back his hard hat and scratched his head. “The more I see of this love crap, the more certain I am that I want no part of it. I thought Susan was different.”

  “She is different,” he said, his tone adamant. “I’m the ass, not her.”

  Willis patted Lucas’s shoulder. “Well, fix it, man.”

  Lucas dismissed that possibility with a shrug. “Fix it how?” Changing the subject, he said, “Maybe we can leave early Saturday morning and spend the night. Nana’s got plenty of room.”

  “Works for me,” Willis said.

  Lucas went to the empty room that would eventually be the superintendent’s office, sat on the floor, opened his briefcase and began to write.

  To Whom It May Concern:

  This is to confirm that Susan Pettiford, a local interior decorator, worked as an elementary school level tutor at Wade School during the past winter semester. Her work was admirable, and she deported herself impeccably.

  I was particularly impressed with her love and affection for the children under her tutelage.

  Yours,

  Lucas Hamilton, M. Arch.

  He mailed the letter on the way home. For more than an hour, he sat on his deck, neither thinking nor feeling anything. The squirrels that usually scampered up the steps and over to where he sat hoping for a handout stood watchi
ng him with curious expressions on their faces, for he seemed not to see them and didn’t offer them any nuts. Drops of rain failed to shake him out of his lethargy, and not until lightning flashed around him and thunder roared over his head did he move. He folded the chairs, leaned them against the outer wall of the house and marveled that the sky had almost blackened and he hadn’t noticed.

  He went inside and, after considering his options, he telephoned Susan first at her office, then at her cellular number and finally at home, but at each location, it was her answering machine that responded. Damn caller

  ID.

  Saturday morning arrived, and he still hadn’t been able to contact her. He could have gone to her shop or to her home, but he didn’t want to impose on her; he wanted a reconciliation. But if he could find no other way, he’d ambush her if necessary. He had to see her!

  He arrived at his mother’s house that Saturday morning with almost no interest in the trip to Athens, and he especially did not look forward to Willis’s and his mother’s enthusiasm. He wouldn’t have thought that his mother would be so overjoyed at the prospect of meeting her son’s paternal grandmother, but he supposed she may have longed to meet the woman who gave life to the man she loved. Feigning exhaustion, he let Willis drive his car, and while his friend and his mother spoke enthusiastically of the coming weekend, he stretched out in the backseat and went to sleep.

  He awakened when the car came to a standstill. “I wonder whose town car this is,” Willis said. “Custom built, too.”

  Lucas sat up. “Where? What car?” But his heartbeat had already begun to accelerate with excitement. He hadn’t seen his father’s car, but he could guess that the car belonged to him. He got out of his car to open the door for his mother and saw Nana standing on the porch rubbing her folded arms.

  He rushed up the walk, greeted her with a hug and asked her, “Is that my dad’s car?”

  She nodded. “I didn’t know he was coming. It’s the first time he’s been here since his operation. He’d said he’d be here next weekend. Otherwise I would have told Willis to let Noreen decide if she wanted to come while he’s here.”

  “Don’t worry about it, Nana. Sometimes Providence takes matters in its own hands. Where is he?”

  “He’s asleep. He got here around midnight. Exhausted. That’s a long drive.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  Willis and Noreen walked up to them, and Alma Jackson opened her arms to Noreen. “I’m so glad to meet you, Noreen. My son talks about you so much that I feel I know you. Welcome.” She opened her arms to Willis. “I fried you some green tomatoes and some real country-smoked bacon.” Lucas looked from one to the other. “He told me he had that once and that he loves it,” Alma said to Lucas. “Y’all come on in. Noreen, I have to tell you something.”

  He stood near the door in case his mother needed him, and couldn’t help overhearing his grandmother’s words.

  “Noreen, honey, you’re in for a shock. If I’d known Calvin was coming here today—”

  Lucas stepped into the hall when Noreen gasped. “I would have told you and let you decide if you wanted to see him, Mama. He’s asleep upstairs.”

  Noreen grasped Alma’s arm and stared into her face. “Here? In this house? He’s upstairs?”

  Alma reached up and wrapped her arms around Noreen as best she could. “Sometimes, child, we learn that the Lord knows best. Go to the powder room down the hall and comb your hair. I didn’t tell him you were coming, because I knew he wouldn’t have slept a wink. Y’all make y’all selves at home while I fix some brunch.”

  Willis walked over to Lucas, shaking his head at the incredulity of it. “Well, I’ll be damned!”

  “Yeah,” Lucas said. “I’m going to help Nana.”

  “I’d better go upstairs and prepare Dad for this,” Lucas told Alma. “If he comes down here and sees her, he could have a heart attack.”

  “You’re right, son. How’s your work, and how’re you and Calvin getting along?”

  “Like any other father and son. We’re learning about each other, but we get along fine, and I’m happy about that.”

  “Then what makes you sad? Is it because Calvin and your mother will meet here? You know that once they see each other, there’ll be no keeping them apart.”

  “Yes, ma’am. I know it, and I don’t intend to meddle. I love both of them and I’m not going to interfere with whatever little happiness they can find. Thirty-six years of suffering is penalty enough.”

  “Yes, that’s true, but you didn’t answer my question. How’s your work?”

  “Nana, if I hadn’t fallen in love, my world would be as perfect as anyone could expect.”

  “Doesn’t she love you?”

  “Oh, she does, but—”

  “Then you can fix it. When a woman loves a man, he’s halfway to home plate—unless he’s done something awful.” She looked up at him with compassion in her eyes. “Did you?”

  “I pushed her too hard, and she’s hurting, but it may take more than love. I have to decide if I can forgo a cherished dream. Look, I’d better get up those stairs before Dad comes down here.”

  He looked down at his father asleep on his back with his hands locked behind his head. “Dad, you feel like getting up? It’s almost noon.”

  Calvin opened his eyes and looked at Lucas. “I wasn’t asleep. I was thinking of a dream I had.” He sat up. “Lucas! I didn’t know you’d be here this weekend. How nice!” Lucas sat on the side of the bed and looked at his father. “I didn’t expect to see you here either. I told you about Willis, didn’t I?”

  “Yes. He’s your friend and partner.”

  “Well, he and I thought this would be a good time to . . . uh . . . Nana said she wanted to meet Mama, so—”

  Calvin threw back the bedding, bounded off the bed and grabbed Lucas by the shoulders in an excruciating grip. “Is Noreen Hamilton here with you?”

  “Yes, Dad. She’s downstairs. But you’d better get dressed first.”

  Calvin stared at Lucas. “Get dressed? Oh, yes. Did Mama tell you I’d be here this weekend?”

  “No, sir. When I saw your car and guessed it was yours, I almost went into shock.”

  “Does Noreen know I’m here?”

  “Nana told her. She reacted like a schoolgirl.”

  “Lucas, please, let me have this moment with Noreen. I know you don’t approve, but it’s . . . I think God has answered my prayers.”

  He put his arms around his father. “It’s none of my business. I love both of you.”

  Calvin backed off and stared at Lucas. “You love me?”

  How sweet it was! “Yeah. Hurry and get dressed. Nana’s fixing brunch.”

  “You think I want food?”

  He didn’t try to suppress the grin that crawled over his face. “Maybe I’d better tell Mama to come up here. At least the two of you will be alone.”

  “Would you, please? Give me three minutes.”

  Lucas found Noreen in the living room staring into space, and Willis sat beside her with an arm tight around her, as if she needed a bodyguard. “Go upstairs, Mama.”

  “D-does he want to see me?”

  “You couldn’t be serious. He’s as far out of his mind right now as you are out of yours. Up there, you’ll be away from onlookers. Go on, now.”

  “You don’t object?”

  “Come with me.” He led her to the bottom of the stairs, looked up and saw his father standing there. Waiting. He kissed her cheek and pointed toward the top of the stairs. She looked up, her right hand flew to her chest and she started up the stairs, slowly as if fearing that she would falter. Calvin widened his stance and opened his arms, and Noreen sprinted up the stairs and into Calvin Jackson’s embrace.

  Lucas turned around and bumped into Willis, who spoke for them both: “Well, I’ll be damned, and after thirty-five years.”

  “Brunch is ready,” Alma called.

  “Put Mama’s and Dad’s in the oven or someplace,
” Lucas said. “Food is not on their minds. Willis and I will do it justice, though.”

  Alma said the grace and passed the food. He wanted to ask her what she thought of his parents’ reunion, for she seemed as calm as if the drama going on upstairs was an ordinary thing. However, with his usual candor, Willis led Alma to the topic.

  “Gramma, how do you like Aunt Noreen? She’s like a mother to me.”

  “She’s a warm and loving woman, intelligent and very beautiful. I got more love from her in five minutes than I’ve had from Marcie in almost forty years. It breaks my heart to think of what she’s been through. I’m praying that Calvin finds a way to make it right while I’m still alive to see it, and I’m going to tell him so right in front of her.”

  Lucas suppressed a sharp whistle as she looked at him. “And you, son, are going to do the same.”

  In order to do as his grandmother ordered, Lucas would need Susan’s help and, to her mind, Lucas would not be included in her future. After he forced her to bare her soul to him, she drove home, lost her breakfast and, later, her lunch as well.

  “What’s going on here?” Betty Lou asked her after putting a cold towel on the back of Susan’s neck and sitting beside her on the edge of Susan’s bed. “If I didn’t know it was impossible, I’d think you were pregnant. Now, I want you to start at the beginning and don’t skip one thing, because if you do, I’ll know it. You’ve always orchestrated your affairs without help from anyone, but you’re not doing that now. Who is this man you love but won’t commit to and who won’t commit to you? What kind of nonsense is that? I want to hear this. Start with the day you arrived in Woodmore.”

  She did as her mother asked, omitting nothing, not even her seduction of Lucas, and ending with the drama in Lucas’s office that morning. With tears cascading down her face and into her lap, she told her mother, “I love him, but I’m not going to forgive him for what he put me through this morning.”

  Betty Lou got up, walked to the window and gazed down at the lake. “Really! I think he had a right to know why you did that, and he’s certainly right in saying that you used him. You made the man fall in love with you, then you had him understand that you had nothing to offer him. Of course he’s hurt, and he’s bitter.”