True North

by Allie Juliette Mousseau

  I examined the blank white space in front of me. I’d picked up a few canvases and some art paper so I could just experiment freely.

  Without thinking, I dipped my brushes and lost myself in the colors. I wove them into something beautiful. Working like this pulled something out of me—all those emotions I’d been trying to stuff down. Everything I’d been thinking and feeling laid bare there on the canvas. I began crying softly, but too soon the crying turned to sobbing. It was a good feeling at first—cathartic. I felt like I was finally getting all the fear and frustration out of me. But then, slowly, the emotions darkened. I couldn’t fucking handle this anymore! I felt myself starting to lose control—I couldn’t see straight, couldn’t breathe. I wasn’t just scared now—no, I was furious! Helplessness fueled the fury. I had no way to help him. No one could find him, and I couldn’t shake the panic that welled up inside me. It constricted me like a monster and wouldn’t let go.

  “YOU’RE USELESS!” I screamed, slapping the painting to the floor. I couldn’t save my mom, I couldn’t save my dad, and I couldn’t save Jake! The easel tipped and hit the table, knocking the paints to the floor, and they splashed everywhere. I knelt over the picture, brought my fists up and pounded the freshly wet paint of the canvas like a punching bag.

  “AAAAAAAHHHHHH!” The bellow ripped from my throat. I hated myself! I hated the military and the war! I hated that Jake hadn’t opened up! I hated that I hadn’t figured this all out when it was crucial—now it could all be too late!

  “FUCK ME!” I yelled. “I HATE YOU!”

  I tried to force my fingers into the fabric of the canvas to tear it apart, but it was too strong, which only made me feel worse.

  “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, OLIVIA?!” I pummeled the painting until I was out of breath. Gasping, I leaned back on my ankles and closed my eyes. “I’m sorry, Jake. I fucked it all up.” I smeared the paint and tears against my cheeks.

  Looking around the room, I realized what a disaster I had created. There was paint everywhere, splattered like raindrops on the white walls, on the metal bed frames and on our blankets and pillows. I was covered.

  A prayer bubbled to my lips. “I love you, Jake North. I’ve always loved you. Please, please come back to me. Please don’t leave me on this earth alone without you. I don’t want to do it without you!”

  I watched the tears drip from my face, splattering into the paint of the picture, adding small drops of clear rain.

  If he never returned I knew a part of me would die so completely I’d never recover it. I’d be forever crippled.

  I stood and backed up from the mess.

  “Fuck.” This was going to take a serious effort to clean.

  I drank down some water from my bottle, slipped my feet into my flip flops, carefully wiped my hands on the moist towel and opened the front door. The paint smell was seriously pungent. I needed to open a window. I usually did, working in an enclosed space like this, but I hadn’t been thinking rationally … obviously. But I really had to go to the bathroom now, so I left the door to our room open and walked down the hall.

  Holy Shit! I looked psychedelic. “Thanks for that,” I said to the full wall mirror in the bathroom and began laughing uncontrollably. Fan-fucking-tastic! If anyone was on the floor they’d think I was out of my mind! I was surprised the campus police hadn’t been called yet. Maybe I was alone up here and everyone was out having fun.

  I used the toilet and debated just stepping into the shower, but I was going to be a mess again after cleaning so … might as well stay my own canvas. I looked pretty cool actually. I studied myself. It was good—a camouflage. I was my own painting. A painting of me and Jake.

  I sighed. “Yeah, a hot mess.”

  I washed my hands in the sink and knew I was going to need a whole lot of paint remover. Heading to the hall closet, I retrieved a bucket and rags and filled it up with hot water and cleaning solution.

  I groaned when I got back to the room and saw it hadn’t been tidied up by magical fairies. I wasn’t sure where to start. Just like my real-life emotional disaster.

  First I picked the painting up from the floor. I’d busted the frame, but tried to straighten it and stood it up on my desk and admired it. I pried opened the window then turned to grab my water bottle on the table and froze.

  There, sitting on the table, was a piece of white notebook paper that hadn’t been there before. I had tossed Lara’s note away, I knew I had. I took a step closer to it and craned my neck to read it from a distance, as if it might bite me. After all, I was alone up here.

  My heart thumped wildly. In big letters across the top it read, “Only One in Color.” The lyrics of the entire Trapt song were written out.

  “JAKE!!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “JAKE!”

  “Don’t scream, I’m right here.”

  I whirled around, and there in the doorway was Jake.

  I threw myself into his arms, paint and all. I didn’t think I had any tears left, but they came.

  “You’re alive! You’re safe! I was so scared, I thought you could be dead!” I rambled.

  A pained expression crossed his face. “I’m sorry.”

  “The roses … were from you?” I blurted.

  He nodded. “I wasn’t sure how to approach you.”

  I laughed like a lunatic. “The roses were from you.” I held his beautiful face in my colorful fingers, staring into his eyes and smiling ecstatically.

  Jake caressed my jaw. “Do you really love me?”

  Oh my God! “You heard me. Of course you did. How long have you been standing out there?”

  “A while.” He didn’t say anything for a few seconds then confessed, “I came to the campus a week after you took off.”

  “You’ve been here this entire time?” It came out a little like a shriek.

  “I didn’t know where else to go, and I couldn’t breathe without you, knowing you were mad at me, that you hated me.”

  Anger rolled through me like a powerful thunder cloud. “I thought you were hurt or dead. We all did—they’ve been looking for you for weeks. And you’ve been here? And you didn’t let me know until Now?!”

  Jake pushed me through the door and closed it behind him.

  “I DIDN’T SAY YOU COULD COME IN!”

  “Olivia,” he said softly.

  “JULES TOLD ME HOW BAD YOU WERE DOING AND HOW YOU DISAPPEARED, JAKE! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD! I THOUGHT YOU KILLED YOURSELF!” I threw my fists against his chest.

  “LIVIE!” He turned himself around to get into the room, but I went on the offense, punching and shoving him across the room and over the messy tarps.

  “I WAS DYING HERE! I THOUGHT I KILLED YOU BY NOT BEING WHAT YOU NEEDED!”

  “You’ve always been everything I need.” He caught my wrists in his hands and pinned them to my sides. Then he twisted me around, forcing me up against the wall next to the window, and pressed his body into mine.

  “I HATE YOU!”

  “You love me.” With that he smashed his mouth against mine with a kiss that completely possessed me. I closed my eyes and fell into the sensation, as if I’d gone over a cliff into the sea. But instead of crashing to the jagged rocks below, I soared over them, flying without wings.

  I knew that he could feel the difference, the acceptance in my body language. I had so succumbed to his power that when I wriggled my wrists, he let them go and I wrapped my arms around his neck fiercely, tightly, frightened that I’d open my eyes and he wouldn’t really be there, that this was just one of a thousand dreams I’d woken up from, cold and alone.

  Next thing I knew he picked me up, and I instinctively wrapped my legs around his waist. He cradled my ass in his arm and pushed his center into me as my back was held fast against the wall. I had never felt anything like it. I moaned into his mouth and he gripped the back of my head to keep my mouth on his so I couldn’t pull away. His tongue searched my mouth, invading me with sensations that rocketed through my entire body and heated
my most intimate places.

  I brought my tongue to his and it was like an electrical shock I couldn’t get enough of.

  He lifted his chin the slightest bit without letting us separate and said, “I love you, Olivia Morrissey. I’ve never loved anyone but you.”

  I opened my eyes to find his.

  “I’m so, so sorry,” he cried. Tears were streaming down his face, and he wiped them against mine.

  “I want you, Jake,” I breathed. “I want you now.”

  He kissed me again, harder, and groaned against my tongue, sending a vibration coursing from my mouth down between my legs like nothing ever had. He pulled me from the wall, carried me across the room and laid me on my bed.

  My head hit the pillow and his chest pushed irresistibly against my breasts. I loved it.

  A funny thought hit me. “How did you know?” I panted.

  “Know what?” he got out between ravenous kisses.

  “That this … was my bed?” I managed.

  He smiled centimeters above my lips. “My pillowcase.”

  We laughed and kissed at the same time, and it was beautiful and delicious to swallow his laughter.

  “Tell me you’re mine, Livie.”

  “I’m yours, Jake. Forever. I’m yours.”

  He smiled brighter and dove his lips and teeth into my neck, alternating little bites and sucking with tickling from his tongue. My body was going wild. His hand drifted up underneath the hem of my tank top, his fingertips igniting my flesh as he massaged my ribs until he reached my right breast.

  He paused for a second, and I kissed him harder, urging him further. His fingers caressed my nipple first before his hand held my whole breast, gently squeezing it. I got lost in the frenzy taking me over. I rolled my hips up into the hardness bulging against his jeans.

  “Oh, Livie,” he moaned against my throat. He lifted my shirt and set his hot mouth over my nipple, which was still trapped under the lacy black fabric of my bra.

  I was delirious. The feeling was mind-blowing and I found myself arching my back to keep him there.

  “Please don’t stop,” I begged.

  “I’ll never stop,” he promised as his left hand floated up to my other breast.

  “Oh my God!”

  He pinched one nipple between his fingers while he sucked the other one into his mouth, despite the fabric. I was on fucking fire!

  “HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED IN HERE?” Lara’s voice cracked in surprise. “OH SHIT! I’m sorry!!!”

  Yep, she’d noticed us.

  I hoped she’d just turn on her heels and head back out, shutting the door behind her, but no such luck.

  “Livie, are you okay?” Her voice was full of concern.

  “Am I screaming for help?” I couldn’t stop myself.

  “Um …” Poor thing was dumbfounded. Never seen me here with a guy, ever, and now I was half naked.

  “Meet Jake,” I said with the wave of my hand while I was still pinned under his gorgeous hard body.

  “This is Jake!?”

  “Yeah,” Jake said.

  “Holy fucking shit!” she freaked.

  “Nice meeting you too,” he replied.

  “Oh, I’m Lara, Livie’s roommate.” She automatically stuck out her hand to shake his, but his was attached to my tit.

  “Um …” He looked at me, not moving his hand at all, and stifled a laugh.

  Lara saw where his hand was stationed. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry!”

  The three of us busted up laughing.

  “It’s okay. I mean really,” I assured her. “How were you supposed to have known?”

  “Yeah, right!” she agreed then blurted, “Livie’s never had a guy up here before!”

  “Thanks, Lar.” I waved. “Had enough to drink?” I mumbled.

  But the statement wasn’t lost on Jake. He was still looking down at me. “Never?”

  “We’ll talk about that later.” I pushed him up a little and he deftly rolled off of me and to a sitting position. He reached over me, grabbed my pillow and put it on his lap.

  “I am sorry,” Lara whined another apology and looked away.

  I nodded and fixed my shirt.

  “What happened to the room?” she asked.

  “I had a problem … with my painting,” I confessed.

  “Looks like. I’ll help you clean it up,” she said.

  “Me too,” Jake offered.

  I looked up at the abused canvas that had been drying on my desk and it suddenly looked pretty amazing to me.

  Chapter 12

  “Come On Get Higher”

  Matt Nathanson

  We cleaned the room together, even threw the blankets into the washer downstairs—couldn’t really sleep under them while they were wet with paint.

  Jake and I kept looking at each other and smiling. We were covered in paint and there were some choice evidential finger and handprints in some intimate places on my white tank. At one point he whispered in my ear that I’d better not wash that shirt because he wanted to keep it.

  “Now what?” It was about midnight when we’d finally finished.

  “Well, Mr. Hottie-pants can’t stay here. Dorm rules,” Lara quipped.

  “Cute,” I said.

  “You’re the one who told me how hot he was and, damn, is he ever,” Lara sing-songed as she spread clean sheets over her mattress.

  Jake didn’t skip a beat. “You told your dorm mate I was hot?”

  I blushed and he smiled happily.

  “I’ve got a place a couple miles from here. Do you want to grab some things and come stay with me for the weekend?” he asked me.

  “You bet your ass she does!” a buzzing Lara answered for me. “This is the first time I’ve ever seen her smile so much! It’s always Jake this and Jake that. Damn, she’s got it bad!”

  “LARA!” I protested.

  According to the grin on his face, Jake was fully enjoying himself.

  “I’d love to,” I told Jake.

  “My bike’s out front,” he said.

  I grabbed my pack and threw grabbed few things from my drawers into it. I put on my jeans and a sweatshirt and a coat. Bike, I thought and pulled on a hat and gloves.

  Jake put my pack over his shoulder. “Again, it was good meeting you, Lara.”

  “Likewise.” Lara gave me a hug and whispered into my ear, “I’m really happy for you.”

  I was shining like a star.

  We walked downstairs and got to his bike. He gave me his helmet, and I almost couldn’t believe this was really happening. The rush of cold air on my face, him here alive and well next to me, and the reality that we’d just confessed our love for each other. I laid my head on the back of his shoulder and held a little tighter, relishing the feel of him.

  We pulled into a high-rise apartment building in the middle of the city. It was dark so I couldn’t get a good descript on it, but it was upscale with underground parking, which Jake parked his bike in. He put down the kickstand and got off first, put my pack on his shoulder and scooped me off the bike, carrying me like a bride.

  “What are you doing?” I weakly protested.

  “What I’ve always wanted to do.”

  “Carry me into an apartment?”

  “Hold you. Get used to it, because I’m not going to let you go for the entire weekend.”

  Oh my God! I could’ve melted in his beefy arms, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I rested my head against his chest as we rode the elevator to the twelfth floor. He fumbled with the keys, trying to get to the right one for the door, but he refused to put me down. He finally got it, kicked open the door, flicked the light on with his elbow and carried me inside.

  My eyes squinted at the intrusion of light. Jake carried me into the bedroom. The place was huge compared to my dorm room. Sometimes I forgot about the money at his disposal.

  “It’s a great place,” I said.

  “Yeah, it came fully furnished so I didn’t have to do anythin
g.” He sat me on the plush bed. “Don’t go anywhere! I’m just going to lock the door and get us a couple of drinks. Are you hungry?”

  “No.”

  “Okay.” He watched me as he hurried out of the room, like I might disappear. He didn’t take long to come back with two dark beers.

  I took a sip of mine and unbuttoned my coat. Taking it from me, he hung it on a hook behind the bedroom door.

  “When … why … did you get the apartment?” I asked.

  “I wanted to be close to you,” he answered simply.

  He wanted to be close to me.

  “We should get cleaned up.”

  I laughed lightly. I was still covered with dried paint. “That’s a good idea.”

  “Shower’s that way.” He pointed.

  “Thanks.” I got up and started to walk across the room, but I could feel the weight of his eyes. I stopped and turned my head. “What are you doing?” I smiled.

  “Watching you walk. It makes me high,” he answered.

  I slowly pivoted around and tried to walk as sexy as possible. I swung my hips and lifted my arms to pull my hair off my shoulders and let it cascade over my back.

  I heard an audible sigh, and a moment later, Jake grabbed me from behind and swung me around to hold me against him as he carried me in a hug to the bathroom while he kissed me feverishly. One of his arms secured me to him as his other arm extended to follow the walls.

  When he got me there he swept his arm over the thick marble counter near the sink, pushing all of his stuff into the sink, and sat me on top of it. He pushed between my legs and moved his lips to my ear. “Tell me you love me again.”

  “I love you, Jake,” I breathed.

  He growled and pulled my tank top over my head. “I love your body covered in paint. You’re so beautiful.”

  I took his cue and gripped his black, now-painted-on t-shirt and worked it over his head. I went breathless. He was so defined, and he was covered in colorful tattoos on both arms, like sleeves, and on the left side of his chest. They looked like a story I wanted to read, but Jake wasn’t slowing down for the view.