Orgasms for Two

by Betty Dodson

  Looking into the mirror, as she lifts up to tighten the muscle, she can see her entire genital area move, including the clitoris. Then she inserts a finger inside her vagina to actually feel the muscle contract. I tell her that’s what her partner will feel on his finger or penis. When she withdraws her finger, I encourage her to observe the amount and quality of secretion and to smell her scent, explaining it will vary with her diet, menstrual cycle, and genital hygiene.

  Most clients think any kind of vaginal discharge indicates an infection or that something is wrong. I calm their fears, saying we all have mucus inside our vaginas and the quality and quantity of it changes according to where we are in our menstrual cycle.

  For those women who are not having partner sex, or doing any form of penetration, it is especially important to aerate the vagina by inserting a finger or using Betty’s Barbell. I also recommend she insert her finger inside her vagina before having partner sex to check her scent and flavor. This will allow her to feel more secure about receiving oral sex. It’s a body check similar to testing our breath or taking a quick sniff of an armpit for reassurance that we’re okay.

  Some badly neglected pussies can smell pretty raunchy. Just imagine how our mouths would look and smell if we never opened them or brushed our teeth. In a few cases, it wouldn’t have surprised me to see a few moths flying out of a neglected vulva. I’ve seen bits of toilet paper caught in pubic hair, old dried mucus, or a thick vaginal discharge from lack of use and care. I’ve helped clients eliminate bad cases of dried smegma under the clitoral hood with a Q-tip and oil. With one client, we extracted an old tampon that had been there for two weeks.

  We discuss trimming, shaping, and shaving the pubic hair. It not only facilitates cleanliness, but pussy grooming gives a woman a good opportunity to get to know her sex organ better. Some women come to me already waxed or shaved, but that doesn’t mean they have a good relationship with their genitals. Some shave in the shower by feel and never look at themselves closely, or they have a professional bikini wax done not to please themselves but because their boyfriend requested they get one.

  Finally, I bring out the diagrams of the entire clitoris that are published in the book A New View of a Woman’s Body. She gets to see the internal anatomy of the clitoris and the parts that become erect during sexual arousal: the clitoral glans, legs, bulbs, and urethral sponge. Helping a woman understand her genital anatomy as well as seeing her vulva as a source of beauty, pleasure, and power lays the foundation on which she can build an orgasmic sex life.

  I’m happy to say that well over half of my clients end up appreciating the form and function of their magnificent sex organ—the divine vulva. The rest need a little more time to process the experience, but chances are good they will get there eventually. I often hear from women six months, or even several years later, saying they have finally come to appreciate their vulvas.

  Next, we move over to the center of the room and she lies down on her back on a soft blanket with several pillows. I sit alongside her close enough to put my hands on her body. Her legs are bent, knees up with her feet flat on the floor. She is asked to take a few deep breaths and make sure she’s in a comfortable position. Some women appear uncomfortable, so I suggest adjustments of the pillows or a shift in her position. I remind her of the importance of being comfortable whenever she is having sex with herself or another person. Then, with one hand at her hips and the other on the side of her arm, I gently rock her so she can let go of tension. The laying on of hands is reassuring and nonsexual.

  Learning to successfully masturbate to orgasm as an adult woman can happen quickly or take time. I discuss the elements she will be using to build sexual desire that will eventually lead to orgasm: breathing, pelvic thrusting, vaginal penetration, and using the PC muscle. During the session, she will experiment with three different kinds of clitoral stimulation—fingers, a battery-operated vibrator, and an electric vibrator. It’s perfectly okay if she doesn’t have an orgasm during the session. Our work together will still be successful because now she will know how to practice when she gets home.

  Breathing is first and foremost. While she is masturbating, I want her to hear herself breathing out loud. Her jaw needs to be relaxed, which allows her mouth to be slightly open. Modeling, I take air in through my nose and exhale through my mouth. After a few moments of breathing together, I ask her to make a sound as she exhales. Again I demonstrate making a sound similar to a deep sigh. Many of us have been so severely conditioned to remain silent during sex that some can’t even sigh out loud. Later on she can practice saying “yes” or “more” or any word she chooses during her own self-loving sessions. This helps signal her body that something is feeling good, and later it will be a way to let her partner know when he or she is doing something that is turning her on.

  Next is pelvic movement. She starts off with a gentle rocking of the hips that can be perpetual motion for most of her masturbation. She is asked to move her hips in a circle, to free up the pelvic hinge, and then to stretch up as far as she can and bounce her hips up and down. Then I tell her to move her pelvis like Elvis or do the fuck motion that we’ve all been told is unladylike. Right before having an orgasm, her body will naturally go into a more urgent thrusting action. When she is at home, I recommend she listen to her favorite music and see her masturbation as a sexual dance using the moves that feel best. Eventually she can watch herself masturbate standing in front of a mirror.

  After applying massage oil, she places the larger ball of Betty’s Barbell just at the vaginal opening. First she focuses on relaxing her vaginal muscles, and then I ask her to squeeze her PC muscle several times on the ball. Another deep breath to relax the vaginal muscle, and the Barbell is inserted one inch. Going slow, she continues to squeeze and release the muscle until the Barbell gradually sinks in all the way. Once inserted, the one pound weight of the Barbell holds it in place leaving both hands free.

  Many women have chronic vaginal tension from experiencing pain instead of pleasure with clumsy penetration by an uninformed lover. Although they might be well-meaning, because of their own anxiety or lack of information, they dive into a virgin vagina way too fast without any additional lubrication. Several women who have been diagnosed with vaginismus (chronic muscle contraction) eventually got the small end of the Barbell inside their vaginas by working the PC muscle and using their breathing to relax the muscle.

  With the Barbell in place, she begins to rhythmically squeeze and release the PC muscle while rocking the pelvis and coordinating her breathing. As she rocks forward exhaling, she squeezes the PC tight. Then, inhaling, she drops back and relaxes the muscle. Or, if the reverse feels better, she can inhale rocking forward and exhale dropping back. The PC muscle can be held for several breaths and also be left alone to rest.

  At first it sounds very complicated, but I explain that it’s similar to learning a new dance step: In the beginning we feel awkward and self-conscious, but after some repetitions the body takes over and the moves become automatic. There is no one “right” way to use any of these techniques. The important thing is to breathe, rock, and squeeze the PC muscle until her individual style emerges.

  Once penetration feels good and she’s comfortable working her PC muscle against the Barbell, I have her add clitoral stimulation using several manual techniques that I demonstrated during the genital exam. Always using massage oil to keep everything gliding smoothly, she tries two fingers on either side of the clitoral shaft moving up and down, a finger on either side of the clitoris, or several fingers circling the entire clitoral area. As soon as she says nothing much is happening with her hand, I give her a small battery-operated vibrator called The Water Dancer to use on and around her clitoris. After five to ten minutes I ask how it’s feeling. If she still isn’t getting much sensation, we move on to the electric Magic Wand.

  Most clients get good feelings with all three kinds of stimulation, but at some point, they eventually drift. When a client is happy wi
th her hand or a battery-operated vibrator, she can stay with it. However, during a session, I suggest she experiences all three types of clitoral stimulation just to know what’s available. With the vaginal Barbell in place, she uses one hand for her choice of clitoral stimulation. Her free hand can stay in touch with her body and enhance desire by pulling up on the pubic mound, pressing into the bladder area, doing breast massage, nipple teasing, or reaching down and moving the Barbell in and out.

  With the electric vibrator, she starts off with her clitoris under a washcloth folded into four layers. As she vibrates, I encourage her to breathe while coordinating her pelvic movements and pumping the pelvic floor muscle. She is reminded not to rely on pressure only with the vibrator to increase arousal. Keeping the massager in motion while using a light touch is a simple technique, but it must be learned. Gradually she can reduce the washcloth layers to increase the sensation on her clitoris until she ends up with one layer. The reason I recommend staying with at least one layer of washcloth is to allow each woman to last longer before coming.

  The most common misuse of electric vibrators is coming within moments by using it directly on the clitoris without any form of cushioning. The other problem is using pressure only to increase sensation, which actually does the opposite—it numbs the clitoris and will eventually cause an unpleasant burning sensation.

  Right after her first orgasm, instead of stopping, she’s shown how to lighten up by doubling the washcloth again or putting her hand over her clitoris. She is encouraged to continue vibrating, moving, and breathing. Within a few moments, hypersensitivity of the clitoris passes and she can keep going to experience some lively contractions and aftershocks of pleasure. It’s a shame to miss this extension of sexual pleasure. With conscious PC muscle pumping, pelvic rocking, and breathing, she can simply enjoy riding these waves of sexual energy or move into another sexual buildup and go on to have a second or third orgasm.

  For women who have no idea what they like or what feels good when it comes to vaginal penetration, or for those who ask about G-spot stimulation, I offer to demonstrate different techniques. By now most clients are completely relaxed and we have established a mutual trust. While she continues using the vibrator, I sit between her legs. The Barbell is still inside. Very slowly I pull the Barbell out, and as I do so, I tell her to tighten her PC muscle. When she relaxes the muscle, the weight of the Barbell allows it to sink back in. After repeating this several times, she is asked to try it for herself.

  Next I angle the Barbell up toward the vaginal ceiling and press into her urethral sponge, G-spot, or prostate gland, whichever name she prefers. Some don’t like it. Most, like myself, think it feels pleasant and a handful say it feels great. In order for her to angle the Barbell, it’s easier if she is sitting in a semireclining position. Then I demonstrate what I call a “slow fuck,” moving the Barbell in and out while she controls her own clitoral stimulation. This is contrasted with a fast friction in and out movement. Of all three types of penetration, the majority of women say they get the most sexual sensations with a slow in and out while they work the PC muscle on the Barbell.

  A consistent pattern I see in the women coming to see me is that they don’t spend enough time doing self-stimulation. During a coaching session a client usually goes for an hour or more. Some go for nearly two hours building sexual desire. They are amazed when they finally get to deepen the experience of sexual pleasure before and after orgasm with a tireless electric vibrator and a sex coach who encourages them to continue. Using a vibrator with skill makes getting there and enjoying the autonomic chills and thrills after the first orgasm as good if not better than the actual climax itself. The ability to have serial orgasms is available to most women if they simply don’t stop and just continue vibrating. Many clients have two or more orgasms. Most are grateful but a few are angry that it took so long to discover this capacity for pleasure that was there all along just waiting to be tapped.

  Wilhelm Reich’s concept of “pleasure anxiety” has been very useful in explaining why so many clients end clitoral stimulation the minute it starts to get really good. Feeling anxious because waves of thrilling sensations are racing through our bodies sounds ridiculous, but I have consistently observed women stopping at the moment they are about to free-fall into sexual ecstasy. Having me there to assure her she’s okay allows her to go farther than when she’s on her own.

  Some women worry about damaging their body by coming more than once. Others think they might have a heart attack! They need constant reassurance that it’s okay. Once they have a second orgasm, I often tease them about becoming “sex pigs.” Laughter helps. Since we are all coming from sexual repression, it takes some time and reassurance to accept these new experiences of sexual intensity.

  Observing women’s bodies over the years, one of the first signs of building sexual arousal or tension is when breathing becomes deeper. As the level of sexual excitement grows with a more rapid heartbeat, the woman often breathes like someone who’s been jogging around the park. There is increased muscle tension. Pelvic movements become more urgent. Some women’s legs tremble. A flush on her face and neck sometimes appears. A few break a sweat. Her mouth is open. Her eyes are usually closed and she is concentrating intensely. She can appear to be in pain with extreme pleasure as her face goes into contortions. She is usually gasping, crying out, groaning, or making sounds of pleasure at the moment of orgasm. A few remain silent.

  Behaviors that indicate a woman might be faking pleasure are when her body is totally relaxed without any movement, or just the opposite, when she is thrashing about as if she’s out of control. Being overly self-conscious or constantly looking to me for approval means she is not focused on her own sexual sensations. Talking the whole time, laughing inappropriately, or holding her mouth, jaw, or body rigid represents fear of losing control. Screaming is an unconscious display of frustration and anger rather than passion.

  When I’m working with a screamer, I remind her she needs to be taking in oxygen with deep breathing, not making sounds similar to a bad sound track from an X-rated video. In saying that, it doesn’t mean I’m against making loud sounds. But those high-pitched screams tighten the vocal cords and lock the energy in the throat. Instead, I encourage her to deepen the sound by taking it down into her belly and allowing it to come out more naturally on the exhale.

  Orgasm need not be excessively dramatic, but the body will have some kind of autonomic contractions. The upper body usually lifts and the pelvis tilts up as though to meet it, making a U curve. The opposite, an arched back, often indicates a woman is pulling away from pleasure. Reich described this as the “hysterical arch.” Sometimes the pelvis or whole torso will snap with aftershocks of pleasure following a big orgasm, but there are always exceptions. One girlfriend of mine remained silent and her body barely moved when she climaxed. Her face appeared peaceful and calm. There were minimal external signs of sexual excitement except the muscles in the front of her torso tightened. Her sexual process was internal with strong pelvic floor muscle contractions, and unless I had my finger inside her vagina, it would have been difficult or nearly impossible to know when she had an orgasm.

  The current approach to sexual dysfunction developed by The American Psychiatric Association (APA) divides sexual problems into four categories of disorders: desire, arousal, orgasm, and pain. These disturbances are assumed to be universal physiological sexual response patterns for both women and men. In 1999, a group of twelve women who are all clinicians and social scientists created a feminist critique of the current sex problem nomenclature, offered an alternative vision, and began an activist campaign. They criticized the shortcomings of the APA framework for leaving out women’s complaints of emotional, physical, relational, and cultural conflicts. They also correctly fear that if the current marketing patterns with men are indicative, the pharmaceutical industry will aggressively advertise drugs for women’s sexual dissatisfactions with a one-size-fits-all approach. A New View of
Women’s Sexual Problems, edited by Leonore Tiefer and Ellyn Kaschak, is available from Hayworth Press.

  While I agree with the complexities of dealing with female sexuality, and I’m aware that a poor woman in any devastated country doesn’t have the luxury to pursue any aspect of sexual pleasure, here in America there are many women who do. I’m all for experimenting with aphrodisiacs, hormones, and even pharmaceutical drugs to increase a woman’s sexual desire and arousal potential. However, let’s not lose sight of the fact that the magic pill just might turn out to be women’s understanding of how their sexual bodies function once they explore their own genitals with self-stimulation. For many non-orgasmic women, plugging in an electric vibrator and using it correctly can bring the most neglected of clitorises back to life. Remember, the Magic Wand is to women what Viagra is to men.

  Whether a woman chooses to avoid sex with a partner or to enjoy sharing orgasms on her own terms, the acceptance of masturbation is central. This would be a modest beginning to end American women’s sexual dysfunction and to create a theory of female sexual pleasure that honors the multi-dimensionality of our lives. As I said in the early seventies, socially institutionalized, dependent partner sex is depersonalizing. Masturbation can return sexual pleasure to its proper place—the individual.

  Because I believe the future of sex education will include sex coaching through the practice of masturbation, I’ve established The Betty Dodson Foundation, a nonprofit organization. The vision of the foundation is to further the sex education/information that I have created and/or accumulated for women and to extend it to include men and couples. The foundation will preserve and build upon my art, writings, books, videos, and sex information gathered on the website. Along with training Sex Coaches, videos that detail this innovative method would be made available to sex educators and therapists worldwide. Direct coaching/teaching by a person trained in the sexual arts would allow adults to master sexual skills that can be practiced, refined, and shared, creating more harmony in partner sex. Physical affection is one of the greatest sources of human contentment.