Barbara Graham - Quilted 04 - Murder by Vegetable

by Barbara Graham

  Even from this distance, Tony saw the little man's belly bounce as he laughed.

  Roscoe and Veronica's trebuchet was the oddest of the three weapons. What looked like a net holding a melon dangled from the weapon's arm. The couple cocked the thing with a lever, then fired. Tony wasn't quite sure what happened. A counter-weight pushed back, the arm flung the net up and released the melon. It flew through the air, crashing into the stock tank and sending rubber ducks splashing onto the grass. The cheer was tremendous.

  Veronica gave Roscoe a big kiss. If possible, the onlookers' enthusiasm for the kiss was even greater than for the duck splash. Veronica made a curtsey and threw the audience a kiss as well.

  The performance was scheduled to occur again in half an hour. Tony was having a great time. He couldn't imagine watching anything more fun than flying vegetables at a festival celebrating spring and a noxious vegetable.

  He still had an hour before it was time to change into his can-can ensemble. He already wore the sleeveless black T-shirt under his regular shirt and shorts and his hiking boots. At least he was not in uniform. When it was closer to performance time, he'd remove his outer shirt, add the skirt, wig, and bonnet. The comedian in charge of wigs had supplied him with long curls exactly matching the improbable red of Blossom's hair.

  “So, who's the handsome newcomer dancing with Blossom?” Theo whispered into her mother-in-law's ear. “I'm sure I'd remember seeing him before.”

  Jane's answering sigh didn't mean she took her eyes off the couple dancing. “He's the new dentist in Tiberius's office group. He's not from the area and thought it would be fun to see our festival and meet the rest of the Abernathy family.”

  “Why weren't we introduced?” Theo frowned at her brother-in-law. Berry stood on the far side of Jane.

  “I met him.” Jane turned. “We were all together this morning. At breakfast.” She waited a moment, then added. “At Ruby's. Honestly Theo, don't you remember?”

  Theo remembered she hadn't gone to Ruby's Café for breakfast because she had been too busy packing everything she could possibly need for the day's outing with two infants and two rambunctious boys and a quilting demonstration featuring herself. The boys had gone with Tony, and she and the baby girls had taken a little nap. Survival strategy. No one bothered to mention the handsome new dental partner. “I wasn't there.”

  “Really?” For a moment it looked like Jane was going to argue the point. “Oh, that's right. It was just Tony and the boys. There was a mob at the table, and I was sitting next to Dr. Looks-so-good. I wasn't paying attention to much else.”

  Theo's laugh burst free, drawing several glances. “Is that his name?”

  Jane actually blushed. “No. I was too busy staring at him to hear what Tiberius said his name actually is, so I made one up.”

  “It certainly fits.”

  “Yes it does, dear. Just because I'm older than you doesn't make me blind.”

  “Dr. Looks-so-good?” Nina laughed. “Our Jane gave him the name? Well, I must agree. The name does have a certain resonance.” She tilted her head slightly watching the dentist, now dancing with Martha. “I may have to develop some dental issues.”

  “I'll bet his entire practice is women's dentistry.”

  A couple of the quilters overheard the conversation. One suggested they plan a field trip day to Knoxville; they could visit all the fabric stores, have lunch, and drop by the dentist's office just to have a look.

  “Do you think he knows DuWayne and Kenny are probably looking into hiring a hit man?” Nina glanced over to where Blossom was now dancing with her regular pair of suitors. “Two's company and three's a crowd.”

  “At least the men are smiling again. For a moment I was afraid there was going to be violence.”

  Theo saw Katti and Claude Marmot arrive in her pink convertible. Katti jumped out in a swirl of black and pink polka dots and trotted over to Theo, or, more accurately, to Theo's twins. She cooed and patted their chubby cheeks and whispered things in Russian to them. They grinned back.

  “You have smart babies.” Katti hugged Theo. “Already they know Katti's language.”

  Theo agreed. Since Katti became her personal assistant, she had thrown Russian words into their conversations for months. And since Theo was a proud mom, she certainly wouldn't discourage Katti from praising her children.

  Katti patted her polka dot–covered belly. “I have baby too. I wait to tell all as Missus Ruby deserved days of celebration first.”

  “How wonderful!” Theo hugged Katti. “When are you due?”

  “When is?” Katti asked Claude. Before he had a chance to open his mouth, Katti chattered on. “Is holiday.”

  “Halloween.” Claude kissed his wife's cheek. “A fun day, my sweet, but not a holiday.”

  Theo was mesmerized by the difference in Claude since his mail-order bride arrived. It was hard to call him Marmot-the-Varmint anymore. His wife had civilized and transformed Claude, at least the exterior. “Theo.” He tipped an imaginary hat to her. “Excuse us but I'm going to dance with my wife before I have to dance with your husband. I'll leave it to you to decide how to combine pink with pumpkins and spooks.”

  Jolted by Claude's vision of a baby quilt, pronounced just as she tried to swallow her cold drink, Theo started laughing, choked, and blew lemon-lime soda through her nose. Valentine's Day meets Halloween? Impossible. She glanced furtively around as she mopped her face with a baby wipe. “What if it's a boy?”

  Theo needed a break. Her cheeks hurt from all the smiling she'd been doing. She'd chatted and stamped hands as proof of payment, and now was working hard to keep a happy expression on her face when she was actually ready to drop. The girls were getting cranky, and so was she. She wouldn't say it was all bad. She'd had a good time for a while, chatting with folks she rarely saw and hearing compliments on the twins. Now she wanted some peace. The twins wanted lunch.

  “Can you believe the crowd?” Nina shimmied into the folding chair next to her. “And hand over the money box and stamp.”

  “You're my replacement?” Theo turned.

  “Yep.” Nina scooted closer. “I thought I'd give you time for a break before you have to do your quilting demonstration. What quilting technique are you planning to show a mixed group like this one?”

  “Before or after I strangle my mother-in-law?” Theo massaged her back with one hand. “To answer your question, I decided English paper piecing is simple enough for beginners and requires no sewing machine and not much skill. I really need to grow a spine.”

  “Too late, dearie. Everyone already knows you're a pushover.” Nina offered her a cookie. “You've got to try one of these. It's sinful. I'm not sure what's in it besides oats and chocolate and pecans. Blossom says Tony loves them, and they're her new favorite to bake.”

  At that point, Theo might have chewed on a rock if it was painted to look like chocolate. She nibbled on a corner of the cookie and moaned. “That is so good. No wonder Blossom has so many men chasing her.” She chewed quietly, letting Nina handle the incoming tide of festival attendees.

  Jocko, Geordie, and Shawn, the three Farquhar “darlin' boys” tried to slip past without paying while Nina was taking money, making change, and stamping the hands of a family of four. Theo stepped in front of them to make them stop. She had known them all their lives and didn't like any of them. She couldn't tell them apart. One of them had a patch of whiskers on his neck—Theo didn't know which “boy”—from the front it looked like a tiny goatee but from the side it turned into an unshaved group of hairs. There was no chin. None of them was under thirty or gainfully employed in honest work. They were universally shifty, dishonest, and spewed profanity and tobacco juice like crazy. They ran in a pack, and Theo wasn't sure any of them could function alone. Of course, being the nephews of Angus didn't give them much of a chance to learn better. No, that wasn't a fair excuse. Theo remembered their late aunt had tried to civilize them, but not even one was interested in her lessons.
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  Theo wrested seven dollars from each of them, which she assumed was stolen, before she left Nina to deal with the table and pushed the stroller toward the museum office. She planned to rest for a few minutes and feed the girls before her demonstration.

  Tony's vantage point allowed him to keep an eye on the entrance. He watched Nina join Theo, and saw the women dealing with festival attendees and the Farquhars. Seeing no reason to interfere, he returned to his supervision of the scouts and their cleanup program. He did make sure all of his deputies knew the location of the darlin' boys. Prevention was the motto. Keep the day safe and enjoyable for everyone.

  A squabble on the far side of the grounds was turning ugly, but it looked like Wade had it under control. Tony wasn't stupid. He knew some people would smuggle alcohol onto the premises in flasks or the more inventive gelatin concoctions, and as long as they were adults and not overdoing it, he didn't care. His men would keep an extra sharp eye on them as they left.

  He saw Theo and the infants vanish into the office and made his way there. Feeding time with only one person was horrendous. He considered Theo's relieved smile more than generous thanks. “Are you having any fun at all?”

  Theo, busy gulping water from her insulated bottle, nodded. Water splashed onto her neck and made her squeal. “That's what I deserve for being piggy. It is tiring but fun.” She offered a cookie to him. “Nina and I tried some of Blossom's new cookie recipe. Have you tasted one?”

  “Are you kidding? You know my whole office is filled with her official taste testers.” Tony patted his stomach. “I do think her new cookie is splendid.”

  Theo shook her head in mock despair. “You know, my friends are concerned you'll run off with Blossom, lured away from a loving family with brown sugar and nuts. Does she cook anything not filled with those ingredients?”

  “Nothing I'd want to eat.” Tony headed for the door, a baby draped over his arm, a baby bottle in one hand. “We'll be outside.”

  “I didn't mean to kill her.”

  Theo heard a man's low-pitched voice somewhere behind her. His words fell into one of the odd silences that sometimes occur in a generally noisy gathering, almost like everyone paused to take a breath and listen to what he had to say. Theo didn't recognize the voice. She tried to move her head just a bit to pick up more of the conversation. Her quilting demonstration blissfully brief, Theo had returned to her post, sitting at the ticket table. Nina left; going to check on her children as well as Theo's.

  “What good does it do to talk about it now? Dead is dead.” A woman's voice, also unfamiliar, held no discernable emotion. “What did you do with her body?”

  Theo teetered backwards on her chair, wanting to hear more, hoping to see who was talking. The maneuver got her maybe an inch closer.

  “I buried her in the—” The rest of his words vanished in the boom of Quentin's cannon and the wild applause from the crowd.

  “No.” Theo almost shrieked in frustration. Eavesdropping was impossible now with all the cheering and commotion. She considered standing on her little table so she could see better and maybe try to memorize every unfamiliar face. Better yet, she wanted to back up time and move close to the conversation, maybe take a picture of whoever was talking with her cell phone. Behind her she saw a short, middle-aged man wearing a plaid shirt and khaki pants held up by wide suspenders. His companion was certainly exotic for Silersville. Thin, and very tall, he wore a long black leather coat with a hood. The hood was up but didn't disguise the skeletally narrow, almost transparently colorless face and shaved head. The angel of death. She looked for Tony, thinking he might know who they were.

  Because of Tony's height, augmented by the ladder he stood on, Theo could see him at the far end of the museum grounds. It looked like he was picking something out of a tree branch. A cheer for him went up when he pulled an errant balloon from its spot and handed it down to the toddler in a man's arms. Good for Tony; he'd probably be reelected sheriff in a landslide if Winifred Thornby put a photograph of his action in the newspaper.

  Failing in all attempts to identify the man and woman whose conversation so intrigued her, Theo grabbed her purse and rummaged around in it. At last, she found an old shopping list and a pen. She wrote a note about the conversation she'd heard—the words and what the voices were like. What really struck her was the lack of emotion from both the teller and the listener. Were they cold and callous monsters? Not knowing the whole story, was she jumping to inaccurate conclusions? Was this dead thing a person? A goldfish? A possum on a dark road?

  She used the camera built into her cell phone to take a few random photos. Maybe if she showed them to Tony later, he'd be able to answer her questions.

  Theo wondered if she could deny a county resident entrance to the festival. Angus Farquhar offered her seven dollars in limp singles. Without touching them, she could tell they would be damp with the man's sweat or maybe something worse. Angus leaned forward, his little piggy eyes were red rimmed. He belched directly in her face. The whiskey fumes almost knocked her off the folding chair.

  “I don't think . . .” She began, hoping inspiration would come to her, but her mind remained blank. Angus slammed his big hands on her table, making her ink pad, rubber stamp, and change box bounce.

  “I'll bet you don't think, little missy.” His lip curled back from his yellow teeth. “My money's good.”

  Theo saw strands of meat hanging from his teeth and smelled something rotting. She leaned back, trying to evade the sight and smell. “Alcohol is not allowed on the premises.”

  “Don't have any on me.” He leaned closer, lowering his voice to a whisper.

  “I'll let you pat me down. You can take your time.” “I'll have to object.” Tony's voice came from just behind her. “If there's any patting down, I'll do it.”

  Theo wasn't sure when she'd been happier to have her husband appear.

  Angus straightened. “We was just chatting. Your little wife don't think my money's any good. I got as much right as anyone to be here.”

  Theo opened her mouth to protest, but Tony's hand on her shoulder cut her off.

  Tony's voice was calm. “I'm going to take your money, Angus, and I'll stamp your hand to let you into the festival. If you so much as breathe too close to anyone, I'm going to haul you out of here in chains.” Tony took the cash, coughing a bit when Angus's overall aroma hit him. “A few ramps might improve your breath.”

  As Angus stomped past them, Theo turned to watch his progress. While she and Tony were dealing with Angus, a fair-sized crowd had gathered behind them. “Ticket sales as a performance art.” She laughed. “Thanks for stopping by. I don't like that man.”

  “Sheila hates him. I don't want to have to arrest either one of you for putting something extra in his pie.” Tony ruffled Theo's curls and kissed the babies. “Call me if you see him do anything that I can use as an excuse to get rid of him.”

  “He smells like a distillery,” Theo whispered. “I think he's drunk.”

  Tony hadn't appeared to be listening but he nodded. “Too bad we couldn't have caught him driving down here. I doubt we can charge him with eating under the influence.”

  “Even as crowded as it is, I bet he'll have a table to himself.” Theo fanned her hand under her nose.

  “In the meantime, I'm collecting you for the taking of the family photo.” Tony leaned over her shoulder. “I forgot to tell you earlier. Mom insists we have a picture taken of the whole family. She's rounding up everyone.”

  “Who's the photographer?” Theo checked the girls. They were perfect. Without looking, Theo knew Chris and Jamie and their cousins would look normal in a photograph, not like the unnatural poses of overly clean children at Easter. On the other hand, she would like to change her shirt. This one had barbeque sauce on it.

  Interrupting her thoughts about clothes, Tony said, “Nina volunteered. She thinks the light will be great in front of the old barn.”

  Theo understood why Jane would want a phot
ograph of all her children and grandchildren together. She would like one too. The last family portrait didn't include Kara and Lizzie, of course, but then it had been taken years earlier when Jamie was an infant.

  “What about the ticket table?”

  Tony nodded toward the barn. “Here comes Celeste. Since she actually works at the museum, she offered to hang out here as long as necessary.”

  The delightful young woman who worked for Jane and Martha hadn't been married for long. She and her school teacher husband strolled to the ticket table. “Patrick volunteered to keep me company.”

  As she and Tony walked toward the office, Theo studied the Abernathy family. Oldest and biggest was Caesar Augustus. Solid, dependable, and the one most likely to set up an elaborate prank. She still laughed whenever she thought of his buying an old metal canning device to can all the Christmas gifts, and then hid all the openers. Christmas morning had the children in a panic. And the women, too, for the cooking as much as the presents. Next to Gus stood his wife Catherine, elegant, beautiful, and sweet. They had no children, but they loved to baby-sit. Could anything be better? Probably only if they ever produced a child or two of their own.

  Next to Gus stood Tiberius. Although slighter than Gus and Tony, Berry was not small. His skin was bronzed. If he wasn't at work, he was usually out on his bass boat. He lived to fish. His wife was pleasant, but she tended to avoid being too involved in the Abernathy gatherings. Their twin boys were fifteen and it looked like they planned to grow as big as Gus. Standing to the side, Calpurnia was wiping something off her daughter's face. Her husband was talking to Jane, who, in her late sixties, was still trim and energetic and dyed her hair a soft blond.

  Posing sixteen adults would be tricky. This was a logistical nightmare. Theo watched Nina frown as she attempted to organize the nine adults and seven children. Trying different arrangements of small groups and straight lines, Nina took lots of shots. Theo's diminutive size usually put her in the front row with the younger kids. Berry's twins towered over her and they loved it, patting her on the head as if she was a puppy. Most of her baby weight was gone but some still lingered, in all the wrong places. Theo felt like a mushroom standing in a forest.