Paradise, Passion, Murder

by Terry Ambrose

  Danny laughed. “Here in paradise, I grew up poor.”

  “But now, we are both lucky and rich in the Lord.” Sister Maria tilted her head.

  For the first time in his life, Danny felt lucky. He had just met the most beautiful, amazing girl in the world.

  Whenever they saw each other at church in the presence of others, mainly on Sundays, only their eyes betrayed their growing friendship. Once, Danny brushed by her and the tips of his fingers touched her habit. It sent an unexpected thrill through his body knowing her garment touched her skin. To his dismay, images of what she looked like under her habit stirred his desire.

  This isn’t happening—my calling is to the priesthood.

  They started meeting secretly in the church on weekdays, or sometimes under the shade of a tree in a quiet corner behind a building no one ever walked by. In the beginning, Danny told himself it was only to discuss ministry. They both knew they were caught up in a lie. What madness seduced them? Nuns married to God and priests or future priests were not supposed to fall in love. But he couldn’t stop dreaming of the beautiful nun who set him on fire.

  One day, he yielded to desire. Unable to stop himself, he reached out and touched the smooth satin of her dark skin. His fingers tingled, and his burning heart raced, aching with desire. It made him feel more alive and passionate than he ever felt before.

  This isn’t supposed to happen. But even as he thought it, he cupped her chin in his fingers and gently, hesitantly, kissed her soft lips. As his tongue probed into the soft, wetness of her mouth, she returned his passion. He was aware of tears falling on her soft, wet cheeks. But there was no turning back. They were in love.

  For the first time, Danny doubted his calling.

  That night, he turned his head to the wall and wept in silence so as not to disturb Tommy.

  “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” Danny slumped in the confessional booth pouring out his story to Father Thomas, who sat behind the screen. He could just imagine the shock on the kindly priest’s face. Of course, Father Thomas recognized his voice, just as he recognized his dear mentor’s voice. How shocked he must be. As he related his story, he felt like the biggest sinner.

  “My son.” Father Thomas’s kind voice made him feel worse. “Perhaps it isn’t your calling to be a priest.”

  Danny dropped his head into his hands. “I planned my life around the priesthood. And Father, she’s a nun, not just a novitiate.”

  Silence. Danny heard him sigh.

  “These things happen more than the church likes to admit. At least you haven’t entered seminary or taken final vows.”

  “But she has.” Father Thomas’ understanding relieved Danny yet made him feel worse at the same time. He had expected to be scolded and given a heavy penance.

  “Have you sinned beyond falling in love?”

  “No, just kissing, nothing more. I came here before things went too far.”

  “A wise decision. Does she wish to leave the convent?”

  “No, she says she loves me, but must honor her commitment.” Danny began to cry. “I love her more than anyone in the world. I…I don’t know if I can live without her.”

  “But it sounds like she’s made her choice.” The priest paused. “The only thing you can do is to forget her. She’s already married to God. You must stay away. You know that. It wouldn’t be fair to her or to you to put temptation in both your paths. There are other churches you can attend.”

  “I know.” Danny sobbed. “But I can’t help it. Loving her doesn’t feel like a sin.”

  “I’m sorry for you, my son. Choosing the priesthood or to marry God is always a sacrifice.”

  Danny saw her one last time. They met in a small, sterile room under the watchful eyes of the Mother Superior. Because the nun was partially deaf and sat all the way across the big classroom in a corner, they were able to speak to each other frankly. Danny was grateful for the little privilege.

  Sister Maria bowed her head. “I confessed everything to Mother Superior. She’s been very kind allowing me this one last meeting. My penance is to clean bathrooms for a month and spend my free time fasting and praying for forgiveness. I’m being sent to the order of the Carmelites.”

  “The Carmelites?” Danny sat back. “Don’t they take vows of silence?”

  She nodded. “I won’t be allowed to speak for a while. Eventually I will be able to talk, but only when necessary. The Carmelite charism demands contemplation, prayer, and service. As a result, they are under the special protection of the Blessed Virgin Mary. It’s only through silence, prayer, and contemplation that the Carmelite nuns are able to receive the visions they are known for. Mother Superior only wishes to protect me from the temptations of the world.”

  Stunned, Danny leaned forward. “It sounds like prison.”

  “Don’t think like that, Danny,” she replied with earnest eyes. “I think of it as a place where I can work on becoming more holy and pleasing to God.”

  “I wish I could kiss you or touch your hands just one last time.” Danny’s heart sank as he held back his tears. “You’re my life. How can loving you be a sin? Why do you have to do penance and be forced to separate from the world just because we did something so beautiful and natural as falling in love?”

  Sister Maria dabbed her eyes with tissue.

  “Maria.” He leaned forward. “Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t hide from the world. Marry me.”

  Surprised, Maria looked up, her face wet with tears.

  “Marry me. I’ll quit school and we’ll make a life together. Have children.”

  “We’re both too young to marry without permission.” She looked down at her fingers twisting the tissue to shreds.

  “I’ll be seventeen in a few months…”

  “I’ve just turned sixteen.” She sighed and bit her lip. “Perhaps I should explain why I feel so committed to the church. My mother died eight years ago after a long illness. My dad remarried, and my new stepmother treated me like a servant. After she got pregnant, she kicked me out of the house. That’s why I left the Philippines.”

  It was the most she had ever shared with him about her past.

  “I’m sorry your life was so hard. But, what does it have to do with our getting married? People get married young, even younger than seventeen.”

  She shook her head. “I owe the church everything. I would still be living in the streets if not for them. The nuns saved me. I owe them my life.”

  “No, you owe them gratitude, but not your life.”

  “Danny…I can’t. I dedicated my life to God and the church. How can I turn my back on them? You don’t know how it was for me. I was hungry all the time. The only food I got was what I could beg or steal. My clothes turned to rags, and I had to beg in the streets. I dug in the garbage for scraps of food. Finally, scary-looking men came and tried to take me away. When I tried to run, they grabbed me, and began beating me. Three nuns saw them. One of them went to get the police. The other two tried to help me. As the men dragged me away, the nuns held on and refused to let go. Thank goodness the other nun returned just in time with the police. They told us the men were known to prowl the streets looking for homeless young orphan girls to sell to prostitute houses.” She looked up with wide eyes. “The nuns saved me. I owe them a debt I can never repay. They took me to live in the convent with other girls they’d saved in the streets. They gave me clothes to wear, a bed to sleep in, and food to eat. I went to school at the convent and learned English. The day I became a novitiate was one of the happiest days of my life.”

  “What were the other happiest days?”

  “When I took my final vows and…” Her voice drifted off before she hesitated and looked into his eyes, “And all the days I spent with you from the moment we met.”

  Danny wanted to hold her in his arms, but as he reached for her, she shran
k against the back of the chair. They heard Mother Superior clear her throat and push back her chair as she stood up. They both turned and saw her staring at them. A frown darkened her stern face. She shook her head.

  “I have to go.” Maria stood to leave with tears on her cheeks.

  Danny held up his hand. “Wait. At least tell me your real name.”

  She paused, before answering, “Evangelista DeDios.”

  “Evangelista DeDios,” he echoed. “Write to me Evangelista, if you change your mind, we’re in the phone book under Robert Myers in Pālolo.”

  Maria nodded. “I won’t change my mind, but I’ll remember Robert Myers in Pālolo.” Then she turned her back on him as she walked over to join Mother Superior.

  Danny cried out, “I’ll love you forever.”

  She turned one last time.

  He memorized every inch of her face. Although her voice caught, she was still able to whisper loud enough for him to hear but not loud enough for Mother Superior’s ears, “And I will love you until the day I die.”

  Danny dropped his head into his hands and cried as she followed Mother Superior out the door.

  1933

  Tommy joined the Marines in the fall after graduation.

  “You gotta look out for them now,” Tommy told Danny. He put his big hand on Danny’s shoulder. “You’re the big bruddah now. Keep the old man in line.”

  “I’m not you,” Danny replied. “Why do you have to go?”

  “I told you I was going into the military if I didn’t get a football scholarship. I want to see the world. Only way fo’ a poor bugga like me is to sign up.”

  “Tommy…”

  Tommy peered into his eyes. “Don’t disappoint me, bruddah. Take care of our sista. You hear?” Tommy swung the army duffle bag, which held all his possessions, over his shoulder. “I’m depending on you.”

  Danny watched Tommy swagger out the door. A sick feeling twisted his insides. How was he supposed to look out for Jo and his mom? He wasn’t Tommy. He was no match for his dad.

  The relationship between their dad and Jo deteriorated after Tommy left. His big brother had always protected his sister and mother. Bobby Myers watched his step when Tommy was around.

  A couple of weeks after Tommy shipped out, their dad came home drunk and began picking on Jo. Nothing unusual. But this time, his father had been on a monster bender and had just got into a fight at the bar with someone who gave him a black eye. He was roaring mad and primed to take it out on someone who couldn’t fight back.

  “Where you going gallivanting looking like a painted whore?” Their dad grabbed Jo’s arm before she could dash out the door. “What ch’ou doing with that no good boyfriend of yours? You wanna get a bad rep? You want the kids at school calling you easy meat?”

  “I’m not doing anything bad.” Jo yanked her arm away from him.

  He hit her so hard she fell to the ground. Then he started kicking her. For the first time in his life, Danny put his hands on his father and tried to shove him against the wall. But Danny wasn’t big enough or strong enough to tackle his father. He punched Danny so hard he flew against the wall and hit his head. Then he dragged Jo by her hair into her bedroom before Danny could react.

  He was still stunned when he heard the click of a lock followed by the sound of a leather belt lashing skin.

  Jo screamed, “Please daddy, don’t. I’m sorry. Don’t hit me.”

  Danny pounded the door with his fists. “Dad. Dad. Don’t hit her, Dad.”

  But the sound continued. Jo kept screaming.

  Danny leaned against the door and cried.

  Jo went to live with their maternal grandmother in Kapahulu. Tutu needed help now that their maiden aunt had gotten married and moved to the mainland.

  “Do you have to go?” Danny asked when he came home from school the next day and saw Jo packing her bags. “It won’t be easy living with Tutu. She’s old and frail. You’ll practically be a caregiver.”

  “I know.” Jolene bit her lip and shook her head. “But Tutu needs help, and it’s my excuse to get out of here before something really bad happens. I’ll have a place to live. If I wait too long, Tutu will find one of our cousins to help her.

  “I can’t take it anymore. You know how Dad is. He’s never going to change. He always picks on me. He used to be scared of Tommy, but now Tommy’s gone. He doesn’t pick on Mom because he says it’s no fun. He calls me a whore. I can’t let him beat me up anymore.,” Jo hesitated and looked up at her brother with wide, teary eyes. “Danny, I’m pregnant.”

  Danny put his arms around her.

  “Are you angry at me?”

  “No. Just sad because you’re so young—too young to have a baby, if you ask me. But you’re not. What will you do?”

  “Billy says he’ll marry me. He’s the same age as you. And Tutu knows. She says we can live with her, Billy, the baby, and all.”

  “What about school?”

  “Maybe for a little while. It depends on how much help Tutu needs. Maybe I’ll go until the baby comes. I’m already three months pregnant.” Jolene dabbed her eyes with a tissue.

  Danny looked at her and realized he’d been so wrapped up in his own sorrow he’d paid very little attention to her. He suddenly realized she'd been wearing loose muumuus recently. “Did you tell Tommy?”

  “Yes. That’s why he kept Dad away and asked you to take care of me. He told me to tell you, but I was afraid you’d be disappointed in me. Tommy isn’t holy like you, so I knew he would understand.” She paused. “You’re the smart one in the family. Tommy’s the jock. You’re the brains. Me, I’m nothing.”

  Danny put his hands on her shoulders. “You’re not nothing. Not only are you going to be a mother, you’re beautiful, and you make people smile. Just because you never liked books or studying or school doesn’t mean you’re not smart.”

  Danny wrapped his arms around his sobbing sister once more, and they cried together. Later that evening, while their dad was at the bar, Danny walked his sister to her boyfriend’s jalopy. As she waved goodbye from the car window, he had a feeling Jo was doomed to a life as desperate as their mother’s.

  What a mess his family was. He longed for the calm peace of St. Patrick’s Church and couldn’t stop thinking of Maria, who he missed every minute of every day. But although he wrote to her, she never wrote back.

  “Don’t make it harder for her than it already is,” Father Thomas advised. He went back to St. Patrick’s a few months after Maria, or Evangelista left to join the Carmelites. “I understand she’s done her penance and voluntarily took vows of silence. There’s no way to get a postcard to her. You must accept it. The Carmelites are very strict and watchful. Consider her dead. Because, as a Carmelite, she is no longer of this world.”

  It was the last thing he wanted to hear. The thought of never seeing or even writing letters again left a hole in his heart he didn’t know how to plug.

  Now there was only Danny and the zombie, as his father took to calling his mother. Danny stayed away, studied constantly in the library, and eventually graduated at the top of his class. By graduation, his father’s drinking had gotten worse. But at least he spent more time at the bar than he did at home, so Danny really didn’t give a damn.

  June 1934

  Only his sister appeared on his graduation night looking like she would give birth any day. She had a carnation lei slung over her arm. Putting it over his head, she kissed his cheek. She looked drawn and tired. It made him sad to see her like that.

  “Congratulations, Danny. You made a terrific speech. Everyone was impressed. You heard how loud they clapped. Sorry Billy couldn’t come. He had to work the night shift. And Tutu doesn’t move much from her couch these days. That’s why I can’t stay long. Poor Tutu isn’t doing well.”

  The siblings looked at each other awkwardly, feelin
g strange in the midst of a sea of people snapping pictures and piling lei after lei on their graduate’s neck. Most of the boys’ faces were almost hidden under all the leis.

  “Thanks, Jo. It’s the best lei I’ve ever had,” he said sincerely.

  Jo burst into tears. “It’s not fair, Danny. Dad didn’t even bother to show up. You’re the valedictorian. You should have tons of leis.”

  “It’s okay, Jo. I don’t mind,” Danny lied.

  That night, Danny went home, drank a cold beer, and ate some lukewarm pizza.

  Boy, this is some graduation party. Maybe he shouldn’t have been such a recluse in school. He went into the bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror. He wasn’t handsome, but he wasn’t bad looking either. He was five foot ten and a little on the skinny side. His curly medium brown hair was cut short, and he had naturally tan skin. His eyes were his best feature—big, melting brown eyes with thick, heavy black lashes above a straight, haole nose. Although it was harder for him to meet girls because he went to an all-boys school, it wasn’t impossible. He wasn’t blind to the girls who flirted with him at Tommy’s football games and at the bus stop. But Maria/Evangelista still occupied his thoughts, and he was determined to succeed. He wanted to make it to a mainland college, and he did. The letter in his pocket confirmed he had won a full scholarship to Marquette University. He had a lot to be grateful for.

  “So where did you get them high falutin’ ideas about going to college?” his father asked when Danny finally told him about Marquette.

  “I always wanted to go,” Danny answered simply.

  “Well, you can’t. Colleges cost too much and are a waste of time.” His dad guzzled his beer and ate pupus.