My Nerdy Valentine

by Vicki Lewis Thompson

  "How do you like the art I've chosen?" she asked.

  He turned, half afraid of what he'd find when he looked at her. Thankfully she hadn't removed any clothes. "I guess it's appropriate to your job."

  "Do you recognize it?"

  "Uh ..." Of course he recognized it. Any guy over the age of ten would recognize what those pictures were about.

  "I mean the source of the illustrations. I assume you understand the subject matter. It's self-explanatory."

  No kidding. Over her red leather love seat hung the male and female versions of something labeled underneath as Mouth Music. One of those illustrations was being mimicked on the TV screen. He'd tried not to look, but it was like trying to ignore an elephant in the room.

  "So, do the drawings look familiar?" Gloria asked again.

  "I don't know the artist, if that's what you mean."

  "They're from Alex Comfort's The New Joy of Sex. Have you seen that book?"

  "No, can't say that I have."

  "It's a classic, I could loan you a copy if you—"

  "You were going to sign the forms?" Gloria didn't tempt him, not even slightly, but the emphasis on sex in this office was working on him, anyway. No guy could be surrounded by the power of suggestion to this extent and not have a reaction. He was sure Gloria was counting on that.

  "Yes, of course." She walked behind her desk and picked up a pen.

  Grateful that she was finally about to do what he'd asked, William watched her sign the forms, which meant he noticed the pen in her hand. It was flesh-colored, and thicker than a normal pen. At the top were two round ... oh, dear God.

  She glanced up. "Like my pen?"

  "It's unusual."

  "I love my job, William." She lifted the pen and licked the tip of it. "And I've learned a great deal."

  "I'm sure you have." He sounded as if he had laryngitis. What an impossible situation. "All done?"

  "For now." She picked up the forms and tucked them slowly back inside the envelope. "Tell me, have you ever let a woman tie you up?"

  "No. Listen, I have to get back. I'm sure I have a stack of messages piled up by now." He wouldn't have a stack of messages. He hadn't reached that level of success yet. But it sounded good and it was all his distracted brain could think of.

  "I'm sure you do. I'm sure you have a big, thick stack of urgent messages by now."

  "Right." He grabbed the envelope.

  She hung on. "Let me take you to dinner tonight."

  He tugged on the envelope. "I have plans." Plans with his television set and the Bulls game. Justin, his roommate from college days, was batching it this week while his fiancée was on a business trip. Justin was coming over for pizza and a couple of beers.

  She gripped the envelope tighter. "Cancel them. Better yet, we can have dinner at my place."

  "Sorry, can't cancel. Very critical."

  "A woman?"

  "Uh, yeah." He'd call his mother during the first commercial. He hadn't talked to either of his folks in a while, and he needed to let them know how the job was going. Up until now, it had been going just tine.

  "Well, then." Gloria released the envelope. "If she doesn't work out, you know where to find me."

  "Absolutely." He left her office so fast he ran straight into Amanda, who had just returned, a mocha cappuccino clutched in one hand. The lid flew off and whipped cream and coffee splashed over both of them.

  "Damn it! I'm sorry!" Dropping the envelope on the floor, he pulled a handkerchief from his hip pocket and began dabbing at the coffee and whipped cream on the front of her nylon jacket.

  "Don't worry about me," she said. "It washes. I doubt you can say the same for that suit."

  "Doesn't matter."

  "What have we here?" Gloria strolled out of her office. "I do believe I'm the one who was supposed to be playing with the whipped cream, not you two."

  "Sorry about that." William picked up the envelope from the floor and noticed it had been baptized by the coffee, too. At least there wasn't any on the carpet. "I can get you another cappuccino."

  "And bring it personally?"

  'I’ll probably need to have it delivered. I really am pressed for time."

  "In that case, I'll make do with this one." Gloria took the cup from Amanda and licked at the remaining whipped cream. "But I think you may have to redo those forms and bring them back for me to sign."

  "I'm sure they'll be fine." William edged toward the door. "Amanda, if that doesn't come out of your coat, let me know." "It'll come out, but thanks."

  "Sure." He took another second to enjoy the sparkle in her blue eyes and the pink in her cheeks. If he could be alone with Amanda in an office filled with graphic pictures on the wall and an X-rated video running, he wouldn't mind at all. She might, though. They'd shared spilled sex toys and a spilled coffee drink, but they hadn't bonded over either incident.

  "See you soon, William," Gloria said. "I need to warn you that I have lots of questions about my portfolio. I'm the kind of client who needs plenty of personal attention."

  "Right. I'll be in touch." As he headed out the door, he regretted his choice of words.

  "That's exactly what I'm hoping for," Gloria called after him.

  THREE

  Well, Amanda, so far, so good." Gloria took a sip of her cappuccino. "I managed to work in a mention of Alex Comfort's work, and he was noticeably rattled by the framed illustrations and the video I had playing."

  Amanda didn't want to think about William looking at pictures of people having sex. The concept of sex shouldn't be mixed with William in her mind, ever. Even so, that mixture had a certain appeal, probably because she'd been doing without for so long. The last thing she needed was to have sex with a guy who would probably take it way too seriously.

  She unzipped her damp coat and hung it on the coat rack. I couldn't get a cash refund for the video, but they gave me store credit."

  "That's fine. I'll be sending you for more merchandise, I'm sure. I'm running low on edible panties and flavored oils." She gazed at the doorway as if envisioning the man who had just left. "I know what. I'll have William research the companies that make that sort of thing so I can buy stock in them. If I engage his brain, the rest will follow, don't you think?"

  Amanda mentally rolled her eyes. "I couldn't say. I've never tried to seduce a nerd."

  "Neither have I, but I'm having such fun with this one. He was trying so hard not to watch the naked couple in the video, but something like that is virtually impossible to ignore."

  "That would be true."

  "And his pupils got huge, which tells me that if I could have kept him there longer, something else might have started expanding, too. But he left before I could work on his libido some more. I'm dying to find out if my thumbs theory holds up."

  Desperate to change the subject, Amanda glanced at her watch. "Shouldn't the Crutchhelds be here by now?"

  "Yes, they should, now that you mention it. Call them and find out if there's a problem. I'll be in my office."

  Amanda sat at her desk and picked up the phone to forestall any more conversation about the sexual responses of William Sloan. Until now, she'd only dealt with Gloria's unusual therapy techniques, which involved demonstrating how to use the various sex toys and previewing videos with the couples she had as clients.

  To be fair, Gloria didn't exactly have sex with them. If she'd done that, Amanda's conscience would have made her report her boss, no matter what the personal consequences might be. No, Gloria skirted that, but she certainly had sex in front of them.

  Amanda considered that unprofessional, but she wasn't sure if it would be actionable. Still, she had to deal with what was going on in Gloria's office, which was sort of like being in the middle of an X-rated movie. She'd thought that was bad enough.

  But watching Gloria go after a sexual partner for herself was turning out to be even more uncomfortable, especially when Amanda kind of knew him. William didn't seem like the sort of guy who deserved to
be stalked by the likes of Gloria.

  Mimi Crutchfield answered the phone sounding out of breath. "Oh, Amanda! I was just going to call! I don't know if we can make the appointment. We've been in bed all morning and we lost track of the time."

  "You're already ten minutes into your hour, I'm afraid," Amanda said. "Would you like to reschedule?"

  "Actually, I wonder if I can talk to Dr. Tredway a minute. You see, I have Franklin tied to the bedposts just like she suggested, and he's gone to sleep. I've tried everything— massage, penile stimulation, erotic music. Nothing works."

  Alarm shot through Amanda. "Is he breathing?"

  "Oh, my, yes. He's snoring, as a matter of fact. Dr. Tredway didn't mention anything about this reaction, so I need to speak with her."

  "Sure thing." Amanda buzzed Gloria's office and tried to block the visual of Franklin Crutchfield, bank president and distinguished member of the community, spread-eagled on a four-poster. "Mimi Crutchfield needs to talk to you," she said when Gloria answered.

  "What's the problem?"

  "I think I'll let her tell you about it."

  "Amanda, you are far too squeamish to be a sex therapist I hope you know that."

  "I'll work on it." She'd decided not to tell Gloria that she had no intention of becoming a sex therapist. Better to let Gloria think she was actually training her. Amanda didn't want to be in the position of potential convert. She had no idea what that might look like, and she had no urge to find out.

  Two minutes later, she heard a whoop of laughter coming from Gloria's office. Then Gloria sauntered through the door, a cat-who-ate-the-cream smile on her face. "Franklin Crutchfield began therapy complaining that Mimi never took any sexual initiative."

  The unwelcome picture of Franklin staked out on the mattress popped into Amanda's head. "So that's fixed, now, I assume?"

  "I would say so! She worked him over all morning, making sure they tried each of the fifteen positions I'd taught them, and all the alternate locations, as well. They did it on the dining room table, up against the washing machine, under his desk, on the kitchen—"

  "I get the idea." Amanda thought she might have to switch banks. Managing her small amount of money was stressful enough without being reminded of the sexual acrobatics of the bank president every time she walked into her local branch.

  "Anyway, by the time she'd tied him to the bedposts for a little friendly bondage game, the guy was exhausted. Mimi thought she'd done something wrong. I told her he'd shown incredible stamina for a man his age and she should be proud. So, yeah, the problem seems to be fixed."

  "She didn't reschedule the appointment, then?"

  "No need to." Gloria leaned against the doorjamb. "Listen, I've been thinking I'd send William a video as an icebreaker. I mean, Valentine's Day is coming up next week, so I'd like to get something going with him by then."

  Interesting. Amanda wouldn't have thought Gloria gave a damn about Valentine's Day. It was all about mushy love, not the kind of hot sex Gloria preferred.

  "Don't look so surprised," Gloria said. "I celebrate Valentine's Day. I'm more into crotchless lace panties than little lace hearts, but I don't like the idea of spending that night alone any more than other women do." She paused. "I guess that's your fate, though, isn't it?"

  "I won't be alone," Amanda said.

  "Oh, that's right. You have that bartending job at Geekland. See, there's another reason you have the background to advise me about William. You serve drinks to nerds five nights a week."

  "Six."

  "Six? Really? When do you study?"

  "After work."

  "When do you sleep?"

  "After I study."

  "Amanda, I don't know how you do it, but you're obviously used to that routine, and I suppose it keeps you from feeling quite so frustrated about your lack of a sex life. So, what do you think of me sending William a video?"

  "You'd send it to his office?"

  "Why not? They're all adults down at Cooper and Scott. And I don't have his home address."

  "I think... it might be a little bit inappropriate." Amanda wondered if Gloria had any concept of what constituted appropriate behavior.

  "Okay, I'll send it to his home, then. You can find out later where he lives. Come in and help me pick one out. We don't have time for me to show you complete videos, so I'll fast-forward to the juicy parts."

  No! This is so unfair! "I don't know that I'm the one to suggest—"

  "You most certainly are the one. I want your nerd mentality on this project. If we don't find exactly the right one, I may have to send you shopping again. After all, we have store credit."

  "But what about the client evaluations? I still have a pile to type up before tomorrow."

  "Take them home, for God's sake. You'll be up all night, anyway, so you can do them then. Come on into the office and take a look at these videos."

  Short of refusing to do what Gloria asked or faking a sudden case of stomach flu, Amanda couldn't figure out a way not to view a selection of videos with her boss. After about forty minutes of that, she was not in a good mood. A woman who had sworn off sex for the duration should not be forced to watch approximately twenty-six orgasms in a row, not that she'd been counting or anything.

  "You don't think any of these are right for William, then?" Gloria hit the pause button at a strategic point, when the well-endowed actor was in mid-thrust.

  "I don't know, Gloria." Amanda looked away from the screen and told herself that such activities were highly overrated. A degree and a job, now those were things worth sacrificing for. "If it were me, I wouldn't send him one to begin with."

  "What, then?"

  "Nothing. I would send him nothing."

  Gloria blew out a breath. "That's ridiculous. I can't get anywhere by next week if I don't plant some ideas in his head. I know what. Go back to the G-Spot and browse around. Find something you think he would like that invites sexual feelings. If it has a valentine theme, so much the better."

  Amanda felt the trap closing in. "Maybe this is something you need to do yourself."

  "No, I'm convinced you'll have a better idea of what a guy like William would get excited about. I don't need you in the office right now, and you'll be typing the evaluations tonight, so take as long as you need."

  "But—"

  "Go on, now. I have clients due in five minutes and I have to check my inventory of nipple clips. I think I'm low, so pick up a few pairs while you're out."

  Someday, Amanda told herself, she'd be a graduate student at Harvard specializing in adolescent psychology. Someday her world would not be dominated by Gloria Tredway and her nipple clips and vibrators and feathers and velvet ropes. In the meantime, she had to find William a sexy present that might have some vague connection to Valentine's Day.

  Going to her desk, she pulled out the drawer where she kept her purse. But as she reached for it, she noticed a white square envelope lying on top of it. amanda was printed in block letters on the front. Instinctively she glanced up to see if Gloria was in the doorway watching. She wasn't.

  Snatching both her purse and the envelope out of the drawer, she hurried over to grab her coat. The envelope obviously contained some sort of card, and the block letters on the outside looked like a man's handwriting. If Gloria hadn't mentioned Valentine's Day just now, Amanda might have wondered what was in the envelope. But now she thought she knew.

  Worse yet, she could guess who'd put that envelope in her desk. He'd had ample time when she wasn't there. If Gloria found out that William had sent Amanda a valentine, the shit would really hit the fan.

  She waited until she was outside the building before she opened the card. The rain had stopped, but an icy wind slapped her face and blew off her hood. She turned her back to the wind and pulled out... a valentine, sure enough. Two white kittens on the outside were playing with a ball of red yarn, and the unrolled end was looped into a series of little hearts. Above the picture was the inscription, You're too cute, Val
entine.

  Had William actually gone to the drugstore half a block from the office building and picked out this card? She braced herself and opened it. The message inside said Let's play around. And it was signed Your Secret Valentine.

  Amanda groaned. This was even more embarrassing than she'd thought. How was she supposed to react to something like this? Did he think she'd guess and respond in some way? She'd made her position clear, yet here was this cutesy valentine with a vaguely sexual reference inside.

  The card was so not her type, just as William was not her type. She didn't care whether he had big thumbs or not. Sneaking into her office and leaving a fairly unimaginative card with kittens on the front was a dumb way to pursue a woman. A single red rose in a crystal vase with elegantly embossed stationery—now that might get her attention.

  Or it would have, if she weren't so involved with work and school. At least the kitten card was something she could ignore. That's exactly what she would do. Ignore it. Pretend it had never happened.

  Passing a trash can, she tossed the valentine inside. For a brief moment she felt guilty. He'd probably meant well, even if he didn't have good taste in cards or the slightest idea how to be romantic. But he had taken the time to buy her that card, and she'd blithely thrown it away.

  Then she told herself not to be stupid. She didn't want William in her life, and keeping the card might backfire in some way, especially if Gloria ever found out. William needed to get the message that she wasn't interested. That would save trouble on her part and humiliation on his.

  Maybe she should put some real thought into this gift Gloria had sent her to buy. If Gloria succeeded in snagging William's attention, Amanda wouldn't have to worry about him anymore. He'd be off her conscience.

  Harvey Kenton watched from a Starbucks across the street as Amanda walked out of her office building carrying the card. Excitement churned in his stomach, like on his first date with Louise when she'd begged to do it doggie style. Louise had looked decent back then, but marriage had sure changed her. Now she was fat, ugly, and oversexed. Worse than that, she was making him go to stupid therapy, which he certainly didn't need.