Dirty Forever (The Dirty Suburbs Book 8)

by Cassie-Ann L. Miller

  “Uh…the limping has nothing to do with Sebastian,” I say, cringing.

  It may be the lilt in my voice when I say it but as soon as the words leave my lips, four curious faces snap in my direction.

  “Well, what happened to you?” Lily asks, “You were perfectly fine when I saw you the other day.”

  I crinkle up my nose and say, “I sort of got fucked in the back of my minivan this afternoon.”

  Lily gasps the loudest.

  “By who?” Sammie asks, indignation all over her face. I take a quick step back and glance down at the carving knife on the table. It’s out of her arm’s reach. Thank god.

  I cringe even deeper. “By Daniel…”

  “Ahhhhh!!!!” Simultaneous shrieks erupt around the table and the girls are on their feet, rushing to suffocate me in an embrace. In the melee, a chair gets toppled over and silverware hits the floor.

  I throw my head back, laughing. “Calm down! If you guys wake Sebastian up, I swear I’m gonna start castrating you bitches!”

  They ignore my threats.

  “Are you serious? I’m psyched that you two are back together!” Faith squeals.

  “Oh my god! It’s about time!” Sammie announces.

  Lily and Isla wipe tears from their eyes as they babble.

  Pushing out of the suffocating hug, I scoff. “We are definitely not back together!”

  Sammie gives me a confused look. “So what the hell is going on?”

  “I don’t know…” I shrug. “…We had sex a few times, I guess.”

  A strange silence falls over the room and I snort as I take in their befuddled expressions.

  Faith holds up her palm like a stop sign. “Wait – I need a second to process this data…So basically what you're telling me is that you and your husband are fuck friends?”

  I really hadn’t thought this through. I’m beginning to see that now. “Sure,” I say with faux assurance. “We’re fuck friends.”

  “Are you for real right now?” Sammie plops down into her chair wearing the face of a kid who just learned that Santa Claus is all made up.

  Faith tilts one hip to the side and plants a fist on it. “How does that even work?”

  I pull in a long breath. “I don’t know. We just sort of…hook up.”

  Daniel and I haven’t talked about what this means. And there’s that niggling voice at the back of my mind saying that we need to have a conversation about this. Before it happens again. But I’m scared that one of us will say the wrong thing and throw cold water on the situation. And then, we’ll be right back at square one, where he hates me and I wish I could hate him.

  “It’s not a big deal,” I tell my friends, trying to act cool about it.

  It’s an epic deal. I know that. But such are the things one must tell herself to rationalize sleeping with the man she just had served with divorce papers.

  Lily chuffs. “How slutty-high-school-cheerleader of you!” she mumbles under her breath.

  Always the voice of reason, Isla watches me with sage eyes. “Gracie,” she tilts her head to the side. “Take it from me, as a woman who’s been through a divorce, I know that you’re feeling some complicated things. You’re confused. It’s a pull between love and hate. But you have to pick a side. You can’t keep straddling the line. You’ll only end up hurt.”

  Those words resonate to my core. What I’m doing is incredibly stupid. Daniel and I have too much history, too much baggage, too much shared responsibility to act like we can just fuck around with no strings attached. Who am I fooling? This man is my husband. It can never be 'just physical' between us.

  Isla's forehead wrinkles and a grave look darkens her eyes. "I know it's all fun and games right now but trust me, shit will get real and you'll want to know where you stand."

  Sammie rolls her eyes as if she thinks Isla is being melodramatic. "But they're married!"

  "And last we left off, they were getting a divorce." Isla arches a brow.

  I watch as Sammie considers her best friend’s words. “Fuck – you’re right,” she says on a sigh.

  Isla fixes her attention on me. “So what do you want?”

  Oh, god. That’s a question I haven’t even allowed myself to explore. Of course, I wish that my husband and I could work through this, I wish that this was just a rough patch. But it isn’t. We can’t fix this.

  “I gave Daniel a chance to work things out. He showed up here with theater tickets. He promised me he was ready to change. And then what did he do? He cancelled on me at the last minute to go to work. Again. He’s had his chances,” I say resolutely. “I’m done trying to fix this.”

  Eventually, Lily changes the subject, filling us in on the details of her birth plan. She wants to have the baby on the farm with the assistance of a midwife. Faith makes a silly joke about giving birth in a manger and we all laugh in response, merrily moving the conversation along.

  But Isla’s question plays in my head throughout dinner. What do I want?

  At the end of the meal while the girls are busy refilling their wine glasses and grabbing second portions of the chocolate-dipped butter cookies I made for dessert, Isla approaches me at the sink as I load the dishwasher.

  “You okay?” she asks. “Your head’s been in the clouds for the last hour or so.”

  I give her a feeble smile. “I’m okay.”

  She hesitates and then she says, “Look – I know that you and Daniel were very private about what was going on in your relationship but if you want to figure things out, you’re going to need help –”

  Shaking my head sadly, I lift a hand out in front of me. “We tried counseling. It didn’t work.”

  She gives me a sceptical look. “I had something different in mind. I have a weekend-long tantric yoga retreat starting on the 20th. So many of my clients have had phenomenal experiences – reconnecting with each other, reigniting the passion, falling back in love. If you guys are open-minded and it’s something you want to try, I’d be glad to reserve a spot for you. Free of charge.”

  I laugh softly. “As if I’d ever be able to convince Daniel to do that.”

  She shrugs. “It’s worth a try. The two of you have so much to lose if you let this marriage go without a fight.”

  As always, she’s right. I’d never forgive myself if me and Daniel part ways without giving it all we’ve got.

  She cups a hand on my shoulder and gives me a little squeeze. Snatching her wine glass off of the counter, she turns back to the ruckus at the dining table. Her words simmer in my mind as she walks away.

  Chapter 21

  Daniel

  With a quick crossover, I bounce the ball from my left hand to my right and pivot quickly. I dribble down the driveway with my best friend on my heels. But I’m too fast. I shoot the ball up against the backboard and it ricochets, swooping flush through the net.

  “Score, motherfucker!” I yelp, flinging my arms up victoriously as Keeland bends over with his hands on his knees and drops his head down. His soaked t-shirt clings to his back as he pants for air. “You’re losing your touch, Master Kee!” I tease as I whizz around him. I manage to grab the ball before it rolls under the scaffolding leaned against the side of the house.

  Keeland and Sammie are that annoying couple whose house is constantly under renovations. They need to just stop it already.

  He straightens, pushing sweat from his forehead. “What the hell are you on? Jet fuel? Since when do you have this much energy?”

  I tear across the pavement and take the opportunity to score a three-pointer this time. “Hell yeah!”

  Keeland isn’t impressed. “That’s it – I’m taking a break!” He strides over to the tarp-covered bags of cement lining the edge of the vegetable garden and picks up his towel to wipe down his face. He drops onto the cement bags, grabbing his water bottle and taking a long drink. “Oh, stop your gloating. Basketball was never my sport.” He rolls his eyes.

  My breath fogs up the cold air in front of me when I laugh
. Dropping down next to him, I grab my own drink. “Sore loser, as always.” I’m enjoying a rare, work-free Wednesday evening by playing a pick-up game with my friend.

  “Look, man. I am so fucking tired. Exhausted. Hannah has got me up all freakin’ night. I don’t know how some people do it with twins or triplets.”

  “Tell me about it.” I think back to when Sebastian was a newborn. That was one of the hardest periods of my life. I was overwhelmed with joy but at the same time I was drained from balancing my work with his erratic schedule and a wife who was literally falling apart. Maybe if Grace and I could have worked as a team, it would have been easier but every time either of us opened our mouth, it would end in a fight.

  Keeland is still venting. “I’ll tell ya – I have a newfound respect for the Octomom. I wouldn’t survive the emotional assault of listening to eight babies crying at the same time.”

  I chuckle curtly. “Stop complaining, man. You’re lucky. You’ve got a family. Two pretty girls who love you.”

  He speaks quickly. “I know it, bro. I love my wife and my kid. They’re the biggest blessing I’ve ever had. I shouldn’t complain. I couldn’t go a day without them. I’ve only been out of the house for an hour and it already feels like I’ve been gone too long.” His eyes grow wet and he sniffles into his fist.

  This guy’s hormones are all over the place. “Dude – you’re sitting in your driveway. Get a grip!”

  Chuckling embarrassedly, he wipes his nose. “I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you to be separated from Grace and Sebastian. How are you holding up?”

  A shit-eating grin comes to my lips. “Man, the separation is just temporary. It’s only a matter of time before I’m back home. We’re gonna get back together. I feel it.”

  He takes me in with an arched brow. “Really? What’s changed?”

  I bat my eyes girlishly. “Let’s just say I don’t kiss and tell.”

  Keeland roars with laughter. “Are you serious? You’re back in the saddle with Grace?” He holds up both fists and does a vulgar thrusting motion with his hips, causing the cement bags to shift.

  “You’re a fool!” I punch him in the shoulder and grin widely. “I’m back in the saddle. It’s only a matter of time until I’m back in the stable, too.”

  His eyes shine. “Happy for you, brother. That’s good news. So, have you guys talked about getting back together?”

  “We let our bodies do the talking.” I throw him a wink.

  “You, pig!” He drops his head back and laughs in his throat. “But seriously – did you guys actually talk about what you’re doing?”

  “There’s no need to talk. It’s clear that we both want the same thing. We just need to give it time.”

  My best friend shakes his head warily. “I wouldn’t get my hopes up until you’ve actually talked to her about where this is going. You know how women are with their feelings. They could be doing one thing with their body and thinking something different with their mind.”

  “Keeland – I know my wife,” I say defensively.

  His eyes darken with a warning look. “Don’t be an idiot, Daniel.”

  I repeat myself, in case he didn’t hear me the first time. “I know my wife!”

  “If you say so.” He makes a placating move with his hands.

  Just then, the screen door slams shut and my sister appears around the corner, tiptoeing over the makeshift bridge of wooden planks, with my niece bundled up in her arms.

  “Careful! Careful!” Keeland says, rushing over to grab her elbow and guide her to safety. “What are you doing out here anyway?”

  Sammie kisses her hubby’s cheek. “Came to tell you guys that dinner is ready. I made Hamburger Helper. I’ve got a newborn. Don’t judge me.”

  I rise to my feet. “Ah, I’m not sticking around for dinner.”

  “Off to see Gracie, I hope?” Sammie arches a brow.

  “Maybe…” I say, being deliberately vague as I approach little Hannah with outstretched arms.

  Sammie quickly angles her body away. “Nuh-uh. You’ve got basketball hands, Uncle Daniel.”

  Keeland chuckles. “That was cold, mama bear!” I roll my eyes and she shrugs.

  “Would you and your wife hurry up and work your shit out?” my sister asks. “The renovations are almost done and our housewarming party is in a few weeks. I don’t need the two of you stinking up the air with any awkward energy.”

  “Mind your business, Samantha.” I grab my gray sweatshirt and pull it over my head.

  “Fix your marriage, Daniel.” She smirks. “Because we’re all getting tired of the tension and weirdness. I swear – I’m on the verge of kidnapping the both of you and locking you in a room until you talk things out.”

  I laugh. Despite her indelicate delivery, this is Sammie’s way of showing that she cares. “Don’t worry about me and Grace.” Keeland and I bump fists and I stroke Hannah’s little head.

  My sister ducks and swats my hand away when I pinch the tip of her nose. “Ugh! Your hands are filthy!”

  “Go enjoy your dinner,” I say as I stroll off to my car parked on the curb.

  I hear Keeland ask what’s for dessert. “This ass,” my sister giggles and smacks her butt.

  Her husband squeals. “That was hot, mama bear.”

  Ugh!

  “Dude!” I say as climb behind the wheel. “That’s my little sister you’re talking about.”

  Sammie and Keeland’s happy laughter mixes in the air as they step into their perfect suburban home, enjoying their perfect suburban life against the backdrop of the setting sun. That used to be my life.

  I think of my wife and – damn – I want that back.

  Chapter 22

  Grace

  I’ve just finished putting Sebastian to sleep when my phone vibrates at 8:30 sharp.

  It’s Daniel.

  My pulse accelerates. This is the first time he's contacted me since my friends deluged my head with the idea of having a serious heart-to-heart with him.

  Frankly, I'm nervous. As much as I love him and I wish that we could be together, I'm a realist. We can't fix this so we need set clear rules for this juvenile game that we're playing.

  But knowing Daniel Trotten, he's going to put up a fight. I brace myself for it as my eyes scan his text message.

  Daniel: I’m coming over

  My hands freeze. I feel fireworks in my belly and a little smile inching across my lips. I'm going to need some steel in my spine to go up against this charming bastard.

  Grace: Why?

  Daniel: We need to talk

  Grace: Am I supposed to believe that you’re coming over here to JUST talk?

  Daniel: Never said I want to JUST talk.

  Daniel: That would be a boldface lie.

  Daniel: I want to fuck you, darling. And then we’ll talk.

  A shiver runs through me. I like very much the way that proposition sounds. But Isla’s warnings replay in my head. We can’t keep fooling around like teenagers. Like there are no consequences.

  Grace: We talk FIRST and then we fuck.

  Grace: Maybe...

  It takes too long for his answer to come and for a second I worry that he may have changed his mind about all of it. Finally, my phone pings.

  Daniel: Just get your pretty little ass ready. I’m on my way

  My body tingles as I hurry into the bathroom and clean up. Swiping on a layer of deodorant and brushing my teeth, I ruminate on the fact that he’s disappointed me before. He’s promised to be there for me and cancelled at the last minute, prioritizing work over all else. Here I am opening my heart to him again. I know that I can’t trust him with my emotions. He’s proven that time after time.

  I’m on high alert and my walls are all the way up as I open the door for him twenty minutes later.

  “You look gorgeous,” he tells me as he brushes through the door, shrugging out of his jacket and hanging it on the coat hook in the entrance.

  I feel my ne
ck heating up and I bite the corner of my lip, reminding myself that we need to have an actual conversation before I drop my panties and bend over the console table again.

  He sweeps me up into his arms. Holding me close, he slides his lips over mine. He kisses me slow and languorous, making my brain swirl and my knees weak. His skin is cold and he smells like autumn and pheromones. I could get lost in this. My fingers clench around the fabric of his gray sweatshirt and his hand slides up my back, unsnapping the clasp of my bra.