Under My Skin (Wildlings)

by Charles de Lint

  "But they cut off your leg!" I say.

  "Yeah. And I might have said screw it at that point, but we were underground and there was no place for me to come out over here. If I'd tried, I would have ended up trapped under a hundred feet of dirt and rock. I needed to be on the ground floor."

  "So how have you kept this … other world … a secret for so long?" Josh asks.

  "We haven't, exactly," Cory says. "It's there in all kinds of folklore and fairy tales. And that's where it stays, because nobody truly believes in it. The other thing that clouds the waters is that these spiritlands change. The deeper you go into them, the more complex they become—they transform, like a work in progress."

  "And everybody starts to see them differently," Rico adds. "Although once, this world and yours were the same place. That is, until one of Cory's ancestors decided that the best way to get rid of the five-fingered beings was to roll up their world like a carpet and hide it away. But that didn't quite work out the way he expected—which is what usually happens when Coyote gets a wild notion. Instead, the world split in two, so now we have both worlds."

  Chaingang shakes his head. "You're shitting us. Are you really saying that happened?"

  Rico shrugs. "This is a truth circle."

  "Come on, bro," Chaingang says. "How do you roll up a world?"

  "Hey, maybe we should try that again," Elzie says. "I like the idea of getting everything back to how the world was before we all came along and screwed it up. This place rocks."

  "We don't have to," Cory tells her. "The spiritlands are already here, untouched by the five-fingered beings."

  "The problem we have right now is damage control," Rico says. "How much of what went down at ValentiCorp was caught on their security cameras and what are they going to do with that information?"

  "From what we saw on Barry's laptop," I say, "they're sure to have recordings of everything."

  Chaingang nods. "So we have to go back in and get it."

  "We don't make that decision," Cory says. "That's up to Señora Mariposa and the other elders."

  Chaingang grunts with displeasure. "So you've got bosses and governments telling you what to do, just like us," he says. "Tell me the truth—did you guys do something to change us into Wildlings?"

  "Not that I know of," Rico says.

  "I doubt it," Cory adds. "We were doing fine, staying under the radar like always, until this whole Wildlings thing happened and messed it up for all of us."

  Chaingang nods, but I can tell he's not a hundred percent sure that the elders aren't responsible. If they were, would they even admit it?

  "I find it disappointing," Chaingang says, "that even in your world, some big-assed set of people gets to call all the shots."

  "It's not that, so much as a matter of respect," Rico says. "Cousins aren't inclined to get together to get things done. But elders—especially ones like Señora Mariposa—have so much history bound up in both worlds. We need their perspective and their wisdom."

  "What is she, really?" I ask. "She seems, I don't know, bigger than the rest of us—and not just because she's an elder."

  "Señora Mariposa has been living where she has for a very very long time," Cory says. "She understands the needs of the land and the cousins living on it, plus she's very attuned to the five-fingered beings who share that space with us."

  "But you do what she says."

  Cory shakes his head. "Not exactly. We listen to what she says. And if it makes sense, we try to follow her advice. Her decisions are based on what's good for everybody, not just herself. There are discussions—sometimes they even get a little heated—but most of the time, her advice is right. Or else we wouldn't listen to her."

  "Okay," Chaingang says, "so where does that Tomás guy come in? I'm down with Auntie Min. She can be annoying, but she's always done okay by me. But that guy—he pisses me off."

  "He pisses a lot of people off," Cory says. "He's been in L.A. too long, I guess, but his heart's in the right place."

  "So you trust him."

  Cory looks around himself and shifts on his blanket. "Actually, I don't really know him."

  Chaingang laughs. "Oh, come on. You're Coyote Clan. Even I know that you guys have an opinion on everything and everyone."

  Instead of answering—or even taking offence—Cory pokes at the fire with a stick. Rico gives him a curious look.

  Cory glances at Rico, then his gaze goes to where Chaingang is sitting and he sighs.

  "I don't know anything," he says, "but I don't trust him. He worries me. A lot of the old cousins were angry when the whole Wildlings business blew up in Santa Feliz and, to be honest, I wonder how far they might go to address the problem."

  "What does that mean?" Josh asks.

  "It means," Chaingang says, "that we're the so-called problem and they want us to go away. They're probably coming up with some plan of their own to get rid of us."

  "Figures," Elzie says, hugging herself. "I don't know why I've ever trusted anybody."

  Josh gives Elzie a squeeze and looks at Rico. "You told me that cousins don't eat cousins," he says.

  Rico nods. "Yeah. That's a given."

  "But it's okay to kill us?"

  Cory breaks in. "Hey, I didn't say that."

  "You didn't have to," Chaingang says.

  "Don't start jumping to conclusions," Cory says.

  "I'm not jumping on anything," Chaingang says. "I just get a bad feeling from that dude."

  "Is Auntie Min really a part of this?" Elzie asks.

  "We don't even know that there is a 'this,'" Rico tells her, "but she'd never be a part of anything like that."

  Chaingang nods. "Uh-huh. And you know this because?"

  "Because she's Señora Mariposa. All you new cousins are part of Santa Feliz and it's under her protection. So you're under her protection."

  Elzie looks at Cory. "But you also said she doesn't have any real power on her own."

  "No, I didn't say that." Cory says. "Don't misread me. She is far more powerful than you can imagine. I just said that this particular circumstance has her in a bind. Why do you think she wants Josh on her side?"

  Josh's eyes open wide and both arms drop from our shoulders. He jumps to his feet.

  "Me?" he says. "What good would I do?"

  "Relax. Sit down. You're Mountain Lion Clan—the first of the old clans to appear since all of this started. She thinks you could be the leader that will make sense of everything and bring us all together."

  Josh drops to his haunches. "Yeah, right."

  "Think about it," Rico says. "You come from a powerful clan that has the respect of the older cousins, but you're also a new Wildling, so the kids in your town will know that you understand what they're going through. Plus you're a mixed-blood human, so you're touching on a lot of bases."

  Cory's nodding. "That's what Señora Mariposa said."

  Josh looks a little panicked. He sits back down and puts his hands on either side of his head.

  "You're starting to freak me out here," he says.

  "Give some thought to Señora Mariposa's idea," Cory says. "Her main concern is the land and she sees you as the way to resolve this situation."

  But Josh is slowly shaking his head, staring into the fire.

  "This is crazy," he says.

  "Looks like you blew it, bro" Chaingang says.

  "What do you mean?"

  "I know you had no choice, but how's what happened down at ValentiCorp supposed to make Wildlings look all warm and fuzzy? It plays right into the bad rep that guys like Congressman Householder are trying to lay on us. Quarantine, here we come."

  "Damn right I had no choice," says Josh, bristling.

  "Listen, ValentiCorp isn't going to let those images go public," Cory says. "They have way too much to lose."

  "Ever heard of editing?" Chaingang asks.

  Cory nods. "Yeah, but the FBI would be on to it. ValentiCorp couldn't edit those recordings without leaving a trace of their handiw
ork behind. Any decent forensics lab could identify it."

  "Yeah, for sure they're going to hush this up," Rico adds. "They were killing kids, for Christ's sake. They'll want to keep a lid on this as much as we do."

  "Whatever," Chaingang says. Then his eyes go hard. "But let me tell you, just because we need to stay under the radar doesn't mean I won't be extracting some payback for what they did to those kids."

  "I just want my life back," Josh moans.

  "Not going to happen, bro," says Chaingang. "Not if you're supposed to be the guy that rallies the troops."

  Josh looks at me, then Elzie, and shakes his head. We each lean in toward him in sympathy.

  "Okay," Cory says. "Let's focus on where we're at right now. We know the Feds are on our case. They're acting benign, but they're still pulling kids in off the street and holding them. We know ValentiCorp is probably going to keep grabbing kids for their experiments. They might also try to relay information to put us in a bad light without incriminating themselves. And then there's the elders and whatever they're planning. We know what Auntie Min wants, but as for Tomás and the others, that remains to be seen."

  "That about covers it," Rico says.

  "So what do we do now?" Elzie says, "Can we even be sure that the government isn't in on what happened at ValentiCorp? Who in God's name can we trust?"

  "Ourselves," Cory says. "Each other. Right now we're all we've got."

  "Oh, that's just dandy," Elzie says, shaking her head. "Let's hope nothing comes between any of us." She turns and stares pointedly at me.

  Josh looks back and forth at the two of us, obviously confused.

  "I agree," Cory says. "And now I'm going for a run."

  He shifts into his coyote shape and before anyone can respond, lopes off into the night.

  Josh

  I'm suddenly exhausted. Totally wiped. After the day I've had, I guess it's no surprise. It's all I can do to keep my eyes open.

  Chaingang takes out his phone.

  "No bars," he says. "Big surprise."

  He puts it back in his pocket and lies down.

  "Keep it down, kids," he tells us. "I need my beauty sleep."

  "There isn't that much sleep in the world," Marina says with a wink.

  He chuckles. Closing his eyes, he's gone in moments.

  Rico shakes out his blanket, then moves it closer to the fire. A moment later, he's asleep as well.

  Elzie rubs her hand again on my stubbled head. "You look cute," she says. Her own hair has just started to grow back. It's a soft fuzz, haloing her pretty head in the firelight.

  I touch my own. "Not a look I was planning on."

  She flicks a nail against the fabric of the white shirt I grabbed from the lab.

  "And seriously," she adds. "Tomorrow we're going to practice how you keep your clothes on when you change back."

  "I wasn't really worrying about that at the time."

  Her eyes go warm with sympathy. "You should get some rest," she says. "You must be beat."

  "I am."

  I think she's going to lie down beside me, but she stands up and stretches.

  "I'm going down to the ocean," she says. "I want to see what it feels like swimming without somebody's trash bumping into my face.

  "No," she adds as I start to get up. "You need to sleep."

  I nod.

  "I'm going to turn in, too," Marina says.

  Elzie raises her eyebrows and gives her look that I don't understand.

  "Later," she says.

  Marina and I watch her go.

  "So what's up with you two?" I ask her.

  Marina pushes her hair behind her ears and sighs. "Nothing, really."

  "Come on. I can tell it's more than nothing."

  "You're not going to like it."

  "I don't like much of anything that's happened to me in the past twenty-four hours, but I'm dealing with it. I'm pretty sure I can handle a girl fight."

  "It's not that," she says. "It's about my being a Wildling."

  All the tension drains out of me. What a relief. If that's all this is, I can deal with it. It doesn't explain the weirdness between the two of them, but I don't mind to provide a listening ear to Marina. After all, she just changed. I know how disconcerting that is.

  I reach over and touch her under the chin.

  "Come on," I say sympathetically. "Don't let it freak you out too much. It might not seem like it now, but it's actually pretty cool, once you get used to it."

  "I know."

  It takes me a moment to process what she's just said and, even then, I'm pretty sure that I must be wrong. I have to be wrong. This is Marina, my best friend. We don't have secrets about anything.

  "What do you mean, you 'know'?" I ask.

  "I know how you get used to it."

  My chest feels like it's encased in a metal band squeezing the air out of my lungs. I dread asking the question, but I do.

  "Just … how long … have you been a Wildling?"

  She's staring at the ground, unable to look me in the eye. "Around five months," she whispers.

  "Five months?"

  She nods.

  "You've been a Wildling for five months and you never told me?"

  Her shoulders are slumped and she looks miserable. "I didn't know how to. And then the longer I didn't, the more impossible it seemed."

  The imagined metal band tightens a notch. "I told you right away."

  "I know."

  "You and Desmond were the first people I told. I came to you as soon as I could."

  "I know. How do you think that makes me feel?"

  "Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't know it was all about how you feel. I'm not sure I know you at all anymore. The Marina I knew would never have kept something this big from me."

  Her face goes from slack to a pained grimace. "Please don't be mad," she says.

  "I'm not. I'm just really really hurt and confused. If you can keep something like that from me, what else are you hiding?"

  Her eyes are shiny and her lower lip is trembling, but I don't feel the urge to comfort her. She takes a raggedy breath.

  "I'm Nira," she says. My Life as an Otter ... that's my blog."

  Another notch tighter. This is just too much. She totally pretended she knew nothing about it when I told Desmond and her about having found it.

  "I don't get it," I tell her. "I thought we were friends."

  "We are friends."

  "Then why have you been lying to me all this time?"

  "I didn't lie! I just didn't tell you everything."

  I think about her giving me advice, like to surf online for more information, or that day in the library, when she was talking about Wildlings and shape-changers like it was just something she'd researched.

  She tries to straighten up, without much success. "Do you tell me everything?" she asks.

  I look her in the eye. "Yeah, I do."

  I watch a tear trickle down her cheek as she looks away. It seems to take forever to travel down to her chin. Any other time I'd be comforting her the way I always have whenever something's gone bad in her life—like when her folks split up or when her sister hassles her—but I just can't muster the sympathy.

  Her shoulders slump again. "I guess I'm just not as good a person as you," she says.

  "That's bullshit. What it really means is that our friendship wasn't as important to you as it was to me."

  Her face searches mine unbelievingly. "That's not true!"

  "Did you ever stop to think how much you could have helped me when I first changed?"

  "I know. I already said I screwed up when I didn't tell you right away. And then I just didn't know how."

  "When I changed might have been a good time."

  She stares back down into her lap. "I just ... couldn't. It had already been months since it happened to me. I felt ashamed that I hadn't told you. I knew you'd get mad."

  I stand up. "I told you. I'm not mad. But I don't see how we can be friends after somet
hing like this. How am I supposed to trust you about anything?"

  "Please, Josh. Please don't say that."

  "Is this what was going on between you Elzie?"

  She looks up at me and nods. "She said I should tell you."

  "She was right."

  "Except now, the thing I was most scared of is happening. I'm losing my best friend."

  The tears are rolling one by one down her cheek.

  I shake my head. "No, I'm the one losing my best friend. You didn't think of me that way or you would have trusted me enough to tell me a hell of a lot sooner."

  "Please stop saying that."

  "Jesus," Chaingang says. "Would you lovebirds keep it down? People are trying to sleep."

  "Screw you," I tell him. If he punched me out right now, it would be a blessing.

  He grunts and rolls over.

  I find myself wondering if I was even talking to Chaingang. Maybe I meant Marina. Hell, maybe I was talking to myself. I don't know. I can't stand to see her crying. I feel like crying myself. But this is too big a thing. It hurts way too much. And I can see it's really hurting her, but she had a chance to make it right and she didn't take it. Me, I just got blindsided and lost my best friend to a lie. I feel that hard place inside of me get colder. Maybe Elzie's right. You can't trust anyone.

  "Josh ..." she begins again.

  I can't do this anymore. I can't talk it out. I don't know if there can ever be an out with this.

  I turn and walk away from the fire.

  "Josh, don't!" she cries.

  But I can't go back. Everything's too screwed up for me to go back.

  I walk until I can't see the fire anymore. The land slopes to the sea and I follow the incline down into the marshlands, skirting the wet ground until I come to a stretch of sand that leads down to the ocean. We're closer to the shore than I expected. I walk along the edge of the tide in my bare feet. Kelp and eelgrass litter the sand. After awhile I just stand there letting the waves lap against my ankles. I stare out into the forever of the ocean and my breathing settles into the rhythm of the tide.

  I look up at the stars. I can't tell if they're the same as the ones in the world we left behind. I just know they're brighter than I've ever seen, even with the moonlight, and there are thousands upon thousands of them.