Never and Always

by Khardine Gray

  He wasn’t good enough for her.

  No one was.

  A knock sounded on his door, the sound taking him out of his thoughts and memories.

  He’d been sitting by the window watching the oncoming nightfall. Last night he drank too much and was suffering for it now with a headache. He didn’t want to see anyone.

  “Nick Wylder, you bastard, open the damn door!” It was Sawyer.

  Nick shook his head. He didn’t want to see Sawyer, so he didn’t answer.

  “Nick, I’m going to kick the door in if you don’t open it.”

  “Shit,” Nick cursed, getting up. He knew Sawyer meant it. He’d seen him do it before. Nick opened the door and was greeted with Sawyer’s angry face.

  He came in, shoving Nick so hard in his chest he stumbled backwards.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you, man? You look like shit,” Sawyer balked.

  Nick raised his hand and turned away to go back to his seat.

  “Nick. Talk to me.”

  “I don’t want to,” Nick said, shaking his head. “I don’t want to talk.”

  He pulled in a sharp breath as he recalled the hurt that filled Mia’s eyes when he broke her heart. He couldn’t believe that he’d caused her to look like that.

  Him.

  And she cried. He caused her to cry and he hadn’t been able to comfort her.

  Sawyer pulled up a chair and sat next to him. He’d calmed down and was looking more like himself.

  “Nick, we’re friends, right?”

  Nick turned to face him and beheld the concern in his eyes. Sawyer was a great friend, the best kind. But then Nick thought so about Glenn, too, at one point.

  He didn’t tell Sawyer what happened, only that he’d moved.

  Through the years he’d known Sawyer, he had never told him what happened to his father, either. He’d said he’d died while on duty. That came from the guilt he still felt over his father’s death.

  “I don’t really know who to trust right now, Sawyer. You’re my friend today, but you might not be tomorrow.” Nick thought he’d be upfront with him.

  “That’s a load of bull crap, man. Friends today and not tomorrow? Have I ever given you cause to think that, man?”

  Nick thought for a moment and had to admit that in all the time that he’d known him, the guy had always been the same. Whereas Glenn had his moments. They’d had serious arguments. Sure they made up, but the fact that they fell out a lot was a point to highlight.

  He’d put it down to knowing each other from their youth. They met when they were young boys, and sometimes they acted like they still were.

  Nick had never argued with Sawyer.

  “No, you have not.”

  “Back in the Marines we went on some serious life-and-death missions, didn’t we?” Sawyer smiled.

  Nick nodded. “I thought I was going to die more often than not.”

  “Me, too, but I knew you had my back. And because I knew you had my back, I made sure I had yours. There’s a different kind of friendship formed when you put your life in someone else’s hands. They become your eyes and your ears, your gut instinct. So, Nick, we’re friends.” Sawyer smiled again with more conviction.

  Nick held his gaze, appreciating his words. He felt a spark of hope against the distress he’d been feeling since leaving Mia.

  Nick nodded again.

  Sawyer cleared his throat and straightened up. “Now talk to me. Tell me why you’re holed up in this place when I need you at the station. Tell me why you aren’t answering my calls.”

  Nick still didn’t particularly want to talk but decided he would. And so, he told Sawyer everything. Everything in full detail right from the night his father died to Glenn’s deceit, and his loss of Mia.

  By the time he was finished talking, Sawyer looked completely taken aback and perplexed.

  “Glenn is no friend to you, man. That is not a friend. I appreciate the desire to protect his sister, but he’s gone too far,” Sawyer stated, looking furious.

  “I don’t know. Maybe he’s right. He didn’t say anything that was a lie.” That was what got to Nick the most. There was some element of truth to what Glenn said.

  “Nick, we all did crazy things when we were younger. But it’s in the past. And as for your dad. Damn it, it’s really sad that he died, but saving you was an honor for him.”

  “He wouldn’t have died if I hadn’t gone to meet my friend.” Nick shook his head.

  “You can’t think like that. You can’t. Because he could have let that guy shoot you.”

  Sometimes Nick wished that had happened. He really did.

  “I know what you’re saying, but I still feel the pain, and Glenn threatening me like that just opened a wound that took years to heal.”

  “You never told Mia?”

  Nick shook his head. There was no way in hell that he would have told her. The fact that she was twelve at the time his father died made it easier for him not to talk about it with her.

  “I don’t think she’ll see me in the same way if she knows.”

  “How do you know that?”

  He thought of Glenn’s taunts and imagined him telling Mia in that nasty, vindictive manner, along with everything else.

  “I didn’t want her to hate me. Glenn’s aim was to make me look like scum and the kind of guy that would hurt her to no end if she stayed with me. He’s right, Sawyer, I’m not good enough for her.”

  He wasn’t good enough for a girl like that. It was that fact that made Glenn so determined to keep him away.

  “I can’t believe I have to point this out to you again,” Sawyer chuckled. “Do you know what she thinks? Do you seriously think that she’ll believe that?”

  Nick simply stared at Sawyer.

  He agreed, Mia’s opinion was an obvious thing to consider, but he was scared of the answer. Scared to find out what the one woman he’d ever fallen for might think of him if she found out what his past held.

  It actually terrified him.

  “I don’t know if I want to find out, Sawyer. I just don’t know.” That was the best answer he could give. It was the truth. “I think the best thing I can do is stay away.”

  Sawyer looked sad to hear that.

  Chapter 14

  “Can I get something strong, please?” Mia asked the rough-looking bartender who approached her from behind the bar.

  “Tough day?” he asked with a smile that highlighted the dimples in his cheeks.

  “Yeah, something like that.” She nodded, trying to be pleasant.

  “Okay, I’ll fix you something to take the edge off.” He nodded with a half smile.

  “Thank you.” That sounded like the very thing she needed. Something to take the edge off, and hopefully that same thing could erase the last month of hell.

  She couldn’t believe it had been a whole month since she last saw Nick. How had the time flown by so quickly? And why hadn’t it made her feel better?

  Time was supposed to heal, right? So why wasn’t it doing its job and healing?

  She’d gone from feeling distressed, to feeling angry, to feeling sorry for herself. That was why she was here sitting in Sam’s Bar ordering something strong.

  Mia didn’t drink alcohol. She didn’t like the taste and smell. She knew it did bad things to your skin and liver, and being the astute beauty therapist that she was she believed in having wholesome foods and wholesome everything.

  But not today. Today she would drink. She’d heard it helped you forget, and like her bartender friend said, take the edge off things.

  She started her new job and it was great. It would definitely keep her in the field of what she wanted to do and help her prepare to set up the spa retreat. Planning that had taken her mind off what was going on. She worked out that she’d need about a half a million to get things going. If she worked hard for the next two to three years, factor in what she had gotten back from the inheritance, and get a business loan, she’d be able to do it. Dependi
ng on the location. The startup cost would definitely change with that.

  There was a chance she could have gotten the funds she needed from her parents as she was back in their good books with the return of most of the inheritance and the paintings, but she wasn’t going to. She was still determined to do this by herself, and rise from the flames of distress like a phoenix.

  She didn’t know if she should move across state again, and it hurt every time she considered it because it meant leaving Nick here.

  But she had to forget him. It was best to pretend that nothing had ever happened and forget that she loved him.

  Glenn told her that Nick had gotten some elaborate job that would take up all his time. He also said that Nick planned to move out long ago and it was easier for him to do so with his line of work. Glenn didn’t seem worried or anything so she hadn’t insisted on talking, and she definitely didn’t tell him that she and Nick were together before he left.

  Several times she had to talk herself out of calling Nick. It was so many she lost count and it didn’t help that Claire kept insisting.

  The way she figured it was, there was no point in chasing him for him to hurt her more by asserting that he didn’t want to be with her. If he’d changed his mind she thought he would call her, but clearly he didn’t or else she wouldn’t be here.

  The bartender returned with a tall glass filled with a pink-and-yellow mixture. There was an umbrella placed neatly to the side and blue syrup squiggled over the rim.

  “That’s for you. I call it happiness on the beach.” He smiled at her.

  “Thanks, it looks cool.” She returned the smile.

  “Call me if you need anything else,” he said, and sauntered away to serve the next customer.

  Mia definitely would be calling him again because she planned to be here all night.

  She glanced about her, feeling eyes on her back. There were several men looking at her. She recognized the looks and was sure that one of them would offer to buy her a drink and start talking to her within the next hour.

  She didn’t do bars but knew what mostly happened after people had a few drinks. Most people hooked up and went off together. She wasn’t here for that, so she’d be turning away any offer of drinks that came her way.

  Mia returned her focus to her drink and sipped it slowly through the straw. She tasted the syrup first, but then the alcohol hit her and she had to stop. It tasted vile.

  She couldn’t have it. she was just about to signal the bartender over again and ask for something less strong when something caught her eye.

  She turned. It wasn’t something. It was someone.

  Nick.

  He’d just come through the doors with that uptight, badass attitude she’d found sexy.

  Her heart skipped a beat when she saw him and her breath caught in her throat.

  She wanted to stop looking but her heart wouldn’t allow her to.

  He looked just as good as she remembered, standing tall and proud with that spikey dark hair and those chiseled, god-like features.

  It must have been the intense stare she gave him that made him look in her direction. When he looked he stopped midstride and stared back. The harshness in his features changed, softening, as did his eyes.

  A few seconds of pure magic passed in the space between them where she got lost within his gaze, and she almost forgot that he wasn’t hers anymore.

  But then, he never was.

  Never… But he’d said always. She remembered that, and it pained her soul that it was a lie.

  Mia grabbed her purse and rushed to the back entrance in the opposite direction.

  The tears were already streaming down her cheeks, coming at a rapid speed that made her feel so overwhelmed she took several breaths in.

  He caught up to her and took hold of her arm just as she stepped outside and into the parking lot.

  She opened her mouth to speak, to say something, anything, but whatever senseless babble her brain was about to concoct drowned away as he pulled her right up to him, smoothed his hand across her cheek and pressed his lips to hers.

  The impact sent a shockwave throughout her system, stunning every nerve in her body. She couldn’t think past the kiss, and the how, what, and why questions she had floating in her mind blasted into the netherworld.

  Mia responded to the kiss, giving him the same wild need he showed her. She didn’t even care that they were in the middle of the parking lot where people passing by could see them. She just kissed him, absorbing and savoring him, giving her body what it had missed.

  She sucked in a breath as he pulled away from her and took hold of her hand to usher her to his car.

  Once they got in, he drove. She didn’t ask any question on where they were going and didn’t have to wonder for long as he pulled up in the back of an alleyway. The darkness of night made it creepy, and definitely not somewhere she would have ventured to at night.

  She didn’t need to ask any questions or waste time to find out why they’d parked here. She moved over to him even before he took hold of her again, and within seconds they were tearing away at each other’s clothes in a wild, sexual frenzy.

  She was completely naked within seconds because she’d worn a little summer dress.

  He’d taken off his jacket and shirt and she moved back a little so he could roll his jeans down his legs. She watched him with delight, feeling even more excited when she saw the hard length of his cock.

  He pulled her back to straddle him and he slipped inside her, ready to go.

  He held her and started, pumping slowly at first in a slow, grinding movement, but then the pace quickened and she lost her mind.

  She gripped onto his shoulders, holding on as he bounced her up and down, pounding into her with a desperate need that she felt. Mia didn’t allow him to do all the work. She moved, too, riding the desperate wave of passion and pure ecstasy that took them both.

  The orgasm that gripped her took him, too, and she screamed against it, still holding onto him as the hot release exploded from him. They both came, crying out as the pleasure surged within them.

  She held onto him, refusing to let go, but he held her, too, as if he felt the same.

  “Come with me,” he whispered into her ear, pressing his head to hers. “Come with me, baby.”

  “Yes,” she agreed.

  Passion claimed them again when they got to his apartment. She was only able to take note of two things as she entered. The first was the location and that it was tastefully decorated. Also, that it smelled like him.

  It had the same woodland fragrance she loved from his cologne.

  He took her straight to bed where he made love to her throughout the night. There were no words, no questions, just raw emotion she felt deep in her soul that was so strong it consumed her entire being.

  Mia was lost in him, so lost in him she didn’t want to find her way back to the place where she was without him.

  To the place where she wanted to know why he left her, why he thought they shouldn’t be together. Why he hurt her.

  But morning broke, and as the radiant beams of the sun spilled into the room it woke her up and out of her Nick-filled slumber.

  She sat up when she realized she was by herself in his bed and she couldn’t hear him anywhere.

  Pulling on one of his white button-down shirts, Mia went to look for him. Five minutes of searching revealed that he wasn’t there at all. She picked up the phone to call him, but set it back in her bag when she heard the front door open.

  She went out to meet him and offered a soft smile when she saw what he carried.

  Breakfast.

  “Hot chocolate from Starbucks and a blueberry muffin, freshly done,” he said, trying to smile and look cheerful but failing.

  “Thank you,” she told him, walking closer. He moved to her, too, and set the food and drink down on the table.

  She looked him over, trying hard to keep her emotions under control, but it was too much. The tears came
again, streaming down her cheeks as her heart wept.

  The not knowing what was going on, and the worry of asking what last night meant, had worn her down. She tried to talk but couldn’t, no words came.

  He cupped her face, seeing her distress, and stared straight into her eyes.

  “I love you,” he breathed. “I love you.”

  She sucked in a breath at his words and widened her eyes.

  “I’ve always loved you, Mia,” he told her with conviction.

  “I love you, too, Nick. I’ve always loved you, always.”

  “Thank you. I just wish I could deserve you.” He beheld her with wide sad eyes.

  “What do you mean? Why would you say that?” She just didn’t understand.

  “I’m not a good person; I’m not the kind of man you should be with. I’m… I know you can do better.”

  “Nick, who could be better than you? I just told you I’ve always loved you, there is no one else for me.” It felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders as she spoke. Finally, she was able to tell him exactly how she felt. “Why did you leave me? Are you leaving me now?” She was scared of the answer.

  Nick pulled in a sharp breath. “I should, but I can’t do it.” He shook his head.

  “Why should you? What is going on? You owe it to me to tell me. Nick, how dare you leave me with the crap excuse that you don’t think we should be together. Do you know how lame that sounds without giving me a reason why?” she retorted. “You hurt me to no end, and I wanted to find you but I got scared. I even asked Glenn where you were.”

  At the mention of Glenn’s name, Nick’s eyes blazed with heat and anger she’d only seen in him when he was truly furious.

  “And what did Glenn say, Mia?” The abrasive tone of his voice held her attention.

  She observed the change in his demeanor, noting how he went from sad to angry in a split second and a sudden thought struck her. Nick had been edgy about Glenn for weeks. When she came back to Chicago they argued a lot, but that was because of what was happening with her. Also, their arguments weren’t exactly new to her.

  She was used to them having disagreements. Often it was because Nick took her side over Glenn’s and defended her.