Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

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  North Korean leader Kim Il-Sung died in 1994. He retains the title “Eternal President.”

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  It wasn’t just the power of the signal that caught Ehman’s attention; it was the way it rose and fell over the three minutes it was detected. The Big Ear was a massive telescope and couldn’t turn the way a normal telescope could to follow the stars across the sky; it could only sit there as stars came and went past its field of vision. So, given the Earth’s rotational speed, it could observe any point in the sky for only a few minutes as that point passed overhead. Any signal it detected would be expected to show up faintly, rise to its highest point, and then fall back down again. This is precisely what the “Wow!” signal did: It rose from 6 to E to U and back down to 5 again in exactly three minutes. This was a strong, steady signal.

  THEORIES ABOUND

  Because no known object in the night sky should be emitting a radio signal that strong, astronomers crunching the data came up with several perfectly normal (and a few abnormal) explanations:

  • Terrestrial sources: It’s possible that an ordinary local signal, like a television or radio broadcast, somehow got detected by the sensitive antennas of the Big Ear. Scientists consider this explanation unlikely; it’s illegal to broadcast radio waves of the strength detected—and even if someone did break the law, the direction of the signal made it almost certain that the source was in space.

  • “Extraterrestrial terrestrial” sources: Some piece of radio transmission from the Earth may have hit a reflective surface in space (a satellite, a piece of space junk, or a meteor) that bounced the signal back to the Big Ear. The odds of this happening are…well, astronomical, but some skeptics are more comfortable with this explanation than some of the alternatives.

  • Scintillation: Light from space scintillates as it moves through our atmosphere. This is a fancy way of saying it gets brighter and dimmer. (It’s what makes stars appear to twinkle.) Radio waves do something similar, and the Big Ear telescope may have detected an unusually powerful scintillation of a weak radio source in space—a quasar, for instance.

  • Defective antenna: It’s also possible that the Big Ear was just malfunctioning. Radio telescopes are large, complicated machines, and any number of things can go wrong. But the Big Ear’s performance on that night has been checked and rechecked, and no problem has ever been found.

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  A FL dentist calls his office “Starbase Dental,” and practices dentistry wearing his Star Trek uniform.

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  • Something new: Since no known object in the universe emits such strong radio waves, and no (legal) device on Earth is even capable of it, it’s possible that the signal came from some unknown object in deep space—perhaps some undiscovered kind of star…or something even stranger.

  E.T. PHONE EARTH

  Obviously, the most exciting theory is that the “Wow!” signal is a bona fide message from another world. But this explanation has problems of its own—namely, why haven’t they called back? The region of the night sky that the signal came from has been surveyed more than 50 times since 1970, by telescopes many times more powerful than the Big Ear. To date, there has been only radio silence from that patch of Sagittarius.

  But that silence has done nothing to stop the speculation. Perhaps, some astronomers theorize, the signal comes in pulses, once every few hours or so, and we’ve simply missed it. Or it may sweep across the sky like the beam from a lighthouse. Or maybe it was a one-time thing, a brief transmission, or one that we caught only the tail end of. The SETI scientists can’t state outright that the signal was created by intelligent beings on a distant planet. However, they do admit that most of the other possibilities have been all but ruled out. “Either the ‘Wow!’ signal was an intercepted transmission from another civilization, or it’s a previously undiscovered astrophysical phenomenon,” said Dr. Paul Shuch of SETI. “Either possibility is mind-boggling.”

  STILL SEARCHING

  The Big Ear radio telescope is no more—it was torn down in 1998 to make room for a golf course, and its astronomers have moved on to other projects. But the questions raised by the “Wow!” signal haven’t disappeared. Meanwhile, astronomers still sit in small rooms, poring over mountains of data, hoping to be the one who detects that tiny blip that will alter the course of human history.

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  Found on the handle of a hammer: “Caution: Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object.”

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  WHAT’S IN YOUR PANTS?

  We’re betting that whoever invented pants never saw these stories coming.

  What’s in Her Pants: A bat

  Story: Anna Buchan, 19, of Aberdeen, Scotland, was being driven to work by her mother one morning in July 2008 when she suddenly let out a scream—something was crawling up her thigh, inside her pant leg. Buchan hurriedly pulled down her pants and saw what it was: a small bat. She managed to grab the animal and, once she arrived at work, put it in a box. Wildlife officials advised her to release it after nightfall. “It’s so cute and small,” Buchan said, after she regained her composure. “I’ll be sorry to see it go.”

  What’s in His Pants: A ferret

  Story: In October 2009, a teenager walked out of a Pet Supermarket store in Jacksonville Beach, Florida, and confronted 38-year-old Rodney Bolton. Why? The boy had just seen Bolton stuff a ferret down his pants inside the store. Bolton denied it, but when the teen wouldn’t leave him alone, he pulled the ferret out of his pants and thrust it into the kid’s face—and it bit him. Police arrived a short time later and arrested Bolton. He was charged with robbery and battery with a “special weapon”—the ferret. The brave teenager was treated on the scene and released.

  What’s in His Pants: Wieners

  Story: Police in the town of Innisfail, Australia, were called to a supermarket in October 2009 because a man had been seen leaving the store after shoplifting several items. Police found the 38-year-old suspect in the parking lot—with several sausages stuffed into his pants. According to reports, the sausages “were recovered but were not returned for sale in the store.”

  What’s in His Pants: Pigeons

  Story: Customs officers at the airport in Melbourne, Australia, became suspicious when they found two small eggs in the pocket of a man traveling from Dubai. They told him they’d have to search him, asked him to take his pants off—and found two live pigeons taped to his thighs. The unidentified 23-year-old was arrested for trying to smuggle live animals and faces up to 10 years in prison.

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  Clinical depression is 10 times more common now than it was in 1945.

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  What’s in His Pants: A scar

  Story: David Walker, 28, of Dinnington, England, was in a pub one night in March 2004 with his “lifelong friend,” Stuart Simpson. After drinking approximately 15 beers, the two friends got into an argument: It was Simpson’s turn to buy a round, but he didn’t buy one. So Walker got angry, left the pub, went home, shoved a sawed-off shotgun down his pants, walked back to the bar, and, on the way there, shot himself in a very delicate place. While he was still recovering from emergency surgery, Walker was sentenced to five years in prison for illegal possession of a firearm. He says he has no memory of the incident whatsoever.

  What’s in Her Pants: “Trees”

  Story: In January 2008, police in Palm City, Florida, pulled over a car driven by 24-year-old Theresa Linette Rochester. According to the police report, officers “observed a large bulge in the groin area of Rochester that resembled a male penis.” Pretty sure that Theresa didn’t have a penis in there, one of the officers asked her what the bulge was. “She stated it was ‘trees,’” the report said—a street name for marijuana. A subsequent search found that she had about an ounce of the drug in plastic bags in her pants. Rochester was arrested for drug possession.

  What’s in His Pants: Fire

  Story: Kenneth Ray Brooks walked into the Centur
a Bank in Orlando, Florida, in September 2006, demanded cash, got it, shoved it down his pants, and quickly left the building. A few minutes later, police patrolling the area noticed a man walking down the street with smoke pouring from his pants. It was Brooks—a dye pack hidden in the bills had exploded and somehow lit his pants on fire. Brooks was arrested and, according to officers, “walked very, very slowly to a waiting ambulance.”

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  Female buffalo on California’s Catalina Island receive regular birth-control injections.

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  GOING THROUGH

  THE MOTIONS

  A “motion” is a request made by an attorney during a court case, asking the judge for permission to make some type of change to the case. But, according to the BRI’s legal expert, some motions are anything but ordinary.

  MOTION: Delay the start of the trial because it conflicts with a college-football game.

  ARGUMENTS: In a 2008 insurance case in Louisiana, the trial was scheduled to begin on January 7—the day of the national college football championship game between the hometown Louisiana State University Tigers and the Ohio State Buckeyes. The defendants’ lawyer, Stephen Babcock, argued, “In addition to the opportunity to be the BCS National Champions, this game also represents LSU’s chance to even their win-to-loss ratio with Ohio State. All opposing counsel are self-professed LSU fans, and consequently, have no objection.” Babcock even pointed out in a footnote that all the lawyers associated with the case were veteran members of a Tigers fan club called the “Tiger Pimp Nation.”

  RULING: The judge was apparently a part of Tiger Pimp Nation as well. The motion was granted.

  MOTION: Delay the trial because deer season will interfere with jury selection.

  ARGUMENTS: In 2006 Bobby Junior Cox of Lonoke County, Arkansas, faced a number of serious charges in a highly publicized case. Voir dire, or jury selection, was scheduled to begin on November 8—three days before the state’s six-week-long deer-hunting season began. Cox’s lawyer argued that every defendant is entitled to a jury that represents a cross-section of his local community, and getting such a jury might be difficult. Because local residents often scheduled their vacation time during hunting season, many prospective jurors would want to be excused from serving.

  RULING: The trial judge agreed with Hall’s arguments, and the motion to reschedule voir dire was granted.

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  In 2010 a British court gave permission for an injunction to be served via Twitter.

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  MOTION: The opposing lawyers should have lunch together.

  ARGUMENTS: In a case involving a medical group in 2006, the plaintiff’s attorney, David Selden, thought that a friendly chat over lunch would be the best way to resolve some pretrial disputes with the opposing attorney. He even offered to pay, but his opponent, Dow Ostlund, didn’t respond. Selden finally filed a motion asking the court to compel Ostlund to have lunch with him. Ostlund eventually told the judge that he “would love to have lunch at Ruth’s Chris Steak House”—a restaurant that isn’t open for lunch. Selden objected to Ostlund’s choice, but said he would find a way to oblige—if Ostlund paid for his own meal.

  RULING: The judge granted Selden’s request, and suggested 11 “fine restaurants within easy driving distance of both counsel’s offices,” ordered that the two meet for lunch no later than August 18, and even specified how the tab was to be paid, right down to the 20% tip. Ostlund probably realized after oral arguments what the judge would decide. Ostlund and Selden eventually sat down over a catered lunch…at Selden’s office.

  MOTION: Delay the trial because the lawyer’s dog just had puppies (and a massive storm is about to hit).

  ARGUMENTS: In a 2006 Florida case, the defendant’s attorney made a motion to have a hearing involving some findings the court had made. On July 13, 2006, the court ordered the plaintiff’s lawyers to submit their response to the motion by September 6. But by late August, Tropical Storm Ernesto was bearing down on southern Florida. On August 28, the plaintiff’s lawyers, Stanley and Susan Rosenblatt, moved for an extension of time to file their response. The Rosenblatts’ reason: With the storm coming, they and their staff would need the next few days to get through the storm, leaving them with little or no time to complete the work needed to respond to the motion. Finally, Susan Rosenblatt added, “In addition to the normal preparations for her family and office, undersigned counsel has seven puppies (born to her King Charles Cavalier) that are dependent upon her, and additional preparations for them are needed for the possible hurricane.”

  RULING: The court granted the motion, and the puppies weathered the storm.

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  Traffic police in South Korea are required by law to report all the bribes they receive.

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  THE OBJECT OF MY

  AFFECTION IS AN OBJECT

  Uncle John really loves his favorite toilet (he calls it “Commodius Rex”). But now that he’s read about these people, he’s careful to tell us that he doesn’t love it that way.

  BACKGROUND

  Psychology textbooks are filled with cases of strange obsessions. There are people who can’t stop thinking about shoes, or food, or perhaps a…uh…close relative. But people classified as objectum-sexual are literally “in love” with inanimate objects. The term was coined in the 1970s by a German woman named Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer, who was—and still is—“married” to the Berlin Wall. “OS” people have deep emotional—and often physical—relationships with their…things. According to Bizarre magazine:

  Look hard enough, and you’ll discover an Internet populated by tales of love affairs with objects. Joachim A., for example, confesses to his affair with a Hammond organ that began when he was 12. He’s now in a steady relationship with a steam locomotive. Psychology student Bill R. tells of his sexual obsession with his iBook (he defines it as a homosexual relationship, as he regards his laptop as male), and Doro B. talks about falling for a metal processing machine she encountered at her work.

  Here are a few more matches made in…well, we’re not exactly where they’re made, but here they are.

  ERIKA ™ THE EIFFEL TOWER

  Erika La Tour Eiffel is in love with—you guessed it—that big tower in Paris. It’s not her first OS relationship, though. She’s also a world-champion archer and credits her success to her ex-“beau”—Lance, her bow. Setting her sights on bigger and better things, the 37-year-old San Francisco woman now claims to be the wife of the Eiffel Tower. The two were married in 2007. Like most OS people, Eiffel believes in the concept of animism, the theory that everything has a soul—and, in turn, a personality. But the relationship is not easy, since her “husband” is solidly attached to the ground 5,500 miles away. Eiffel visits when she can but admits, “There is a huge problem with being in love with a public object. The issue of intimacy—or rather lack of it—is forever present.” To deal with these and other issues, Eiffel runs a Web site where OS people from around the world share their stories.

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  Nuts: The female marine Bobbit worm bites off the male’s genitalia and feeds it to her young.

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  AMY ™ 1001 NACHTS

  “I love him as much as women love their husbands and know we’ll be together forever,” says Amy Wolfe, a church organist from Pennsylvania. The “him” she’s referring to is an 80-foot roller coaster called 1001 Nachts, located at the Knoebels Amusement Park in the Pocono Mountains, 80 miles from her home. After a 10-year courtship, they were married in 2009. Wolfe claims that their relationship is both “sexual and mental.” Like Eiffel, Wolfe must deal with being in a long-distance relationship. To cope, she has posters of 1001 Nachts on her ceiling and carries around some nuts and bolts that she picked up from the ground underneath the roller coaster.

  EDWARD ™ VANILLA

  “Vanilla” is a Volkswagen Beetle that has stolen Edward Smith’s heart. Smith is part of a subculture of OS known as mechanophiles, people who are in
love with vehicles. “I’m a romantic,” says the 57-year-old Washington man. “I write poetry about cars. I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend.” But that doesn’t mean Smith is loyal. Another feature of OS “relationships” is that they’re often not monogamous. Smith claims to have had, er…physical relations with more than 1,000 cars in his life, as well as several aircraft, including the helicopter that was used in the 1980s television show Airwolf. But Vanilla is his current main squeeze. (He previously had a five-year relationship with another VW Beetle named “Victoria.”) What does Smith look for in a potential lover? He’s not sure; it just has to “speak” to him. “There have been certain cars that just attracted me, and I would wait until nighttime, creep up to them, and just hug and kiss them.”

  NISAN ™ NEMUTAN

  Nisan is a balding, heavyset 37-year-old Japanese man. Nemutan is a large, stuffed pillow printed with a picture of Nemu, a bikiniclad character from an X-rated version of the popular video game De Capo. The two first met at a Tokyo comic book convention in 2006. They became friends at first but then started spending more and more time together. Nisan took Nemutan on drives, they posed for photos together, they played at playgrounds, and they even dined together at restaurants. After three years, the couple is still inseparable. And now they’re famous, since their story was told in a 2009 New York Times article about “2-D lovers,” a growing subculture of Otaku—the obsessive Japanese fandom related to anime, manga, and video games. It’s uncertain how many people are 2-D lovers—they’re usually productive members of society—but they care very deeply about these characters. “Of course she’s my girlfriend,” says Nisan. “I have real feelings for her. People are probably wondering what psychiatric ward I escaped from. I would think the same thing if I saw me.”