Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  THE ATTIC, PT. II

  Whatever it was in the attic, it was making a lot of noise. It sounded, they said, like someone was stomping around up there. But regardless of the noise, Wheatcraft wanted his $1,200 camera back, and Conrad wanted to film a ghost. They climbed back up. Looking around with a flashlight, they noted that there was no other way in or out and that the room was empty, except for an old, wooden fruit box in the corner. Conrad started filming, but his camera went dead. He replaced the batteries, but it still wouldn’t work. Meanwhile, Wheatcraft found his camera lens—it was behind the trap door, standing on its end, as if it had been placed there. It didn’t have a scratch. But where was the rest of the camera? He finally saw it…sitting in the fruit box. How’d it get there? He didn’t know, but he slowly reached in and retrieved it.

  Both men were ready to get out of there, but first Wheatcraft wanted to flash off a few shots. Just as he took the third picture, a foul stench overtook them. “It’s behind me,” he said. Then, he said, something pushed him hard in the back, nearly causing him to topple down through the trap door opening. As the two men scrambled down, they noticed three large glowing lights in the attic. Once they reached the safety of the kitchen, Conrad’s video camera started working again. They didn’t need any more convincing. There was definitely something in that house. And it was angry.

  * * *

  The Pillsbury Bake-Off has a higher Grand Prize cash value ($1 million) than the Olympic Gold Medal ($25,000) and the Pulitzer Prize ($10,000) put together.

  * * *

  THE ATTIC, PT. III

  Over the next month, the activity intensified—doors and cabinets opened and closed. The TV suddenly turned on and blared at full volume. Pictures fell from the walls. Lights and shadows passed through the house. Conrad spent a lot of time trying to film what he could, but he couldn’t be everywhere at once, so he missed most of the activity. One night when he wasn’t there, Jackie told Conrad that the ghost pinned her to the floor for several minutes. Then it threw a full can of Pepsi at her head. She couldn’t take it anymore. On September 4, she called Conrad and left a frantic message: “It takes my fear and gains energy from it. The more scared I get, the stronger it gets.” Conrad and Wheatcraft, along with another photographer, Gary Boehm, showed up around 1:00 a.m. and found Jackie and her two children waiting for them on the front porch.

  The men wanted to go in, but Jackie thought they’d come to get her out of there, and pleaded with them not to go into the house. They went in anyway. Boehm was anxious to check out this attic he’d heard so much about. Wheatcraft was hesitant but willing—he hadn’t been back since the night he was pushed. Conrad refused to take his camera up there, so Wheatcraft and Boehm went up into the attic without him.

  At first, they didn’t feel anything weird in the dark room, so they decided to leave. Then came three loud snaps, followed by a muffled scream from Wheatcraft. Boehm snapped some pictures so he could see. The flash revealed Wheatcraft pinned face-first against the slanted wall with his legs wrapped awkwardly around a support beam. Jackie yelled from below: “Come down! Come down! I told you what this thing was capable of!”

  HANGED OUT TO DRY

  Boehm rushed over and discovered that Wheatcraft had a length of clothesline wrapped around his neck. He was actually hanging on a nail from one of the rafters. And he was completely unresponsive. Boehm couldn’t untie the knot but was able to bend the nail and get his friend down and out of the attic. Finally back in the kitchen, Wheatcraft regained his senses but had a nasty headache and severe rope burns around his neck. The clothesline was tied in what they later determined to be a “seaman’s knot.”

  The final straw came later that night, when Jackie discovered a bit of the strange, orange goop that had come out of the walls…on her baby’s forehead. On several previous occasions, she’d told the spirit: “I demand you stay away from my kids!” And until that night, it had. But now, according to Jackie, “It was saying, ‘I can do what I want to.’” She knew as long as she stayed there, she’d never be able to escape whatever it was. It even haunted her sleep: In a recurring nightmare, Jackie was a young man, standing on the San Pedro docks. She was hit on the head with a lead pipe and then held underneath the water. Jackie could feel the life being pulled out of her as she struggled to wake up. She knew that this ghost was telling her how he had been murdered.

  TIME TO LEAVE

  The next day, Jackie started looking for a new place to live, but she was nearly broke and had to tough it out for a few more weeks. Meanwhile, the investigation continued (although Wheatcraft never set foot in the house again). Reviewing his video from the previous night, Conrad saw balls of light flying above Wheatcraft’s head. They seemed to follow him around the house.

  Jackie didn’t care what they saw on the video: She just wanted out. She and her husband agreed to try to patch things up, so she packed her stuff, put the kids in his truck, and they moved 300 miles north to the tiny town of Weldon, California. “I thought I had left the ghost back in San Pedro,” she said. “I thought everything was going to be okay.”

  But would it? Well, you’ve probably guessed that because there’s a Part II (page 399), the answer is no.

  * * *

  In China, “World Wide Web” translates as “10,000 Dimensional Web in Heaven and Net on Earth.”

  * * *

  LOWER EDUCATION

  It’s real good to no that in this crazy world that our childrens is all getting topnotched educations so they can be moe intelligenter. U can cholk that up to some grate teechers!

  SNACK TIME

  “Whoever eats this dead fly, I will give them an ‘A’ on tomorrow’s test,” said an algebra teacher (not named in reports) at Oak Ridge High School in El Dorado Hills, California, in November 2009. Most of the kids cringed, but a student named Stephen Zeldag took the dare…and swallowed the fly. That night, Zeldag didn’t study, thinking he’d earned a free pass, and the next day, he got only 9 out of 46 problems correct. The teacher held up his part of the bargain by writing, “Here is your A,” on the test paper…but he put an “F” in the gradebook. “I really didn’t think he was joking,” said Zeldag. At last report, a school investigation was pending.

  GIVE ’EM A SHOT

  In May 2009, every student who attended the junior prom at Warwick High School in Lititz, Pennsylvania, was given a commemorative shot glass. “We couldn’t afford to give out anything as extravagant as picture frames or money clips,” said a member of the prom committee, which included students and several adults. Assistant principal Scott Galen said that he never knew what the kids would be given; on the order form he approved, it just said “prom souvenirs.” School officials acknowledged that giving out shot glasses to high school students “might have sent the wrong message” and promised, in the future, to find out exactly what they’re approving before they approve it.

  LUNCH AND SIGHTSEEING

  Mary Segall, a high-school choir director in Phoenix, Arizona, was put on administrative leave for taking 40 students to lunch following a class trip in December 2009. She claimed that the restaurant she chose was the only one downtown that could accommodate such a large group. “Nonsense,” said the school’s principal. “This is a big city; there are plenty of eateries downtown to choose from.” So which restaurant did Segall take the kids to? Hooters.

  * * *

  Gee whizz: 93% of surfers admit to having peed in their wetsuits at least once.

  * * *

  TOO SOON?

  In April 2007, a drama teacher at South Park School in Vancouver, British Columbia, had her 6th- and 7th-grade students reenact the Virginia Tech massacre, the worst school shooting in U.S. history—which had occurred only a few days earlier. After receiving numerous complaints, the school’s principal agreed that it was a “totally inappropriate lesson.” The teacher (not named in press reports) countered that the exercise was merely designed to “give the kids an opportunity to address their feelings about viol
ence.”

  CREATING A CONTROVERSY

  In 2008 John Freshwater, a public middle-school science teacher from Mount Vernon, Ohio, used the classroom’s high-frequency generator for a totally different kind of science lesson: He burned crosses onto several students’ arms. He’d been reprimanded before for teaching creationism and refusing to remove a copy of the Bible from his classroom, but the branding incident was the last straw—he was suspended without pay. A friend of Freshwater defended him: “With the exception of the cross-burning episode, he is teaching the values of the parents in the Mount Vernon school district.”

  SHE SAID A MOUTHFUL

  To inspire girls to work harder, in January 2010, administrators at Crosby Middle School in Hitchcock, Texas, brought in a motivational speaker named Shirley Price, a local woman who had overcome physical handicaps to earn a doctorate. But, according to school superintendent Mike Bergman, “Somehow, Shirley got it in her head that students were having sex on campus and went into a profanity-laden speech about sexual-type things”—including, reportedly, graphic tips on various sexual techniques. Bergman later sent a letter to the students’ homes apologizing for the “off-target and objectionable” speech. Price maintains that her comments were taken out of context, and that she merely told the girls to abstain from sex. But that didn’t satisfy many parents, who demanded the school give their girls counseling. Said one mother: “She violated my daughter’s innocence!”

  * * *

  2009 scientific study: Bad driving is genetic. (About 30% of Americans have “bad driver” genes.)

  * * *

  WEIRD TOURS

  When you get tired of ordinary vacation stuff like buffets and beaches, why not check out something new—like shootouts, cesspits, and the U.S. Border Patrol?

  PARIS SEWER TOUR

  There aren’t many tours that begin with the question, “Everyone have their nose plugs?” But starting in 1867, tourists in Paris could take a stinky boat ride on an underground river of moldy cheese, half-eaten baguettes, cigarette butts, and…other stuff. Sadly, the boat tours were put to an end in 1975, but today, for only $3 U.S., you can take a walk through the Paris Sewer Museum, which covers 500 yards of the city’s 1,300-mile-long sewer system. From the top of a metal grate, you get a bird’s eye view of the sewage itself. But that’s not all—you’ll also see the tools of the trade, including a “flusher trolley,” a “two-ball traveling cleaner,” a gas mask, and the new state-of-the-art computer monitoring system. At the end of this “tour of doody,” you can go to the restroom to really be part of the action.

  ILLEGAL U.S. BORDER CROSSING TOUR

  To take this tour, you’ll have to travel 700 miles south of the U.S./Mexico border to Parque EcoAlberto, a park owned by the Hñahñu Indians in the state of Hidalgo. For about $18, you and your “fellow immigrants” (actors) take a four-hour nighttime trek through the desert over steep hills and across dry river beds until you reach the (fake) U.S. border. All the while, “border-patrol” officers (more actors) chase you and shoot guns loaded with blanks. Your mission: to reach the “U.S. border” first, at which point the guards swear at you in Spanish before giving you a ride back to where you started.

  THE SERVANT GIRL ANNIHILATOR TOUR

  In 1884 and ’85, a serial killer terrorized the streets of Austin, Texas, raping and murdering nine people, many of them servant girls. Though several suspects were arrested, no one was convicted, and the real “Servant Girl Annihilator” was never found. This 90-minute tour will take you to every spot where a victim’s body was discovered. However, none of the victims’ houses are still standing, so the tour is basically a grisly history lesson while you look at empty lots. Price: $15.

  * * *

  Costa Rican baseball factory workers earn about $2,500 a year. Average MLB player: $2.5 million.

  * * *

  RIO SLUM TOUR

  A popular new tourism trend in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, and other South American cities is “reality tours,” where visitors trek though slums and shantytowns. One of the first of these “poorism” trips is the Favela Tour through Rio’s largest shantytown, Rocinha. Organizer Marcelo Armstrong says it will be an “illuminating experience if you look for an insider point of view.” Visitors can see armed men who work as guards for drug traffickers, but the tour is mostly an opportunity to help the local economy by shopping at neighborhood markets and food stalls.

  L.A. GANG TOURS

  “It’s a terrible idea. Is it worth that thrill for 65 bucks?” asks Los Angeles City Councilman Dennis Zine, who doesn’t understand why anyone would willingly travel into the most dangerous neighborhoods in L.A. “There’s a fascination with gangs,” counters Alfred Lomas, former member of the Florencia 13 gang, who started L.A. Gangland Tours in 2010. But it’s more than just a way to spend a Saturday afternoon; Lomas says that he wants the public to see that the “mean streets” are not as mean as they might think (although passengers must sign a waiver absolving L.A. Gangland Tours of any liability should they get hit by a stray bullet). “We can either create awareness and discuss the positive things that go on in these communities,” said Lomas, “or we can try to sweep it under the carpet.” After paying, you’ll board an unmarked charter bus and head out past the graffiti-covered walls of skid row, passing such landmarks as the Central Jail and the L.A. River (where Terminator 2 was filmed). Then you’ll travel to the Florence-Firestone neighborhood, the birthplace of the Crips. The tour is conducted by tattooed former gang members—who take extra care not to upset current gang members. “We ain’t saying, ‘Look at them Crips, look at them Bloods, look at them crackheads,’” said Frederick “Scorpio” Smith, an ex-Crip. Councilman Zine still doesn’t like it: “You can go to a gang movie for a lot less money and not put yourself at risk.”

  * * *

  Record distance traveled in a hang glider: 437 mi.—about the distance from Boston to Wash. DC.

  * * *

  OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD

  RELIGIONS

  What if one of these “fringe” belief systems is correct—and the Supreme Being is a creature from another world? Well, we at the BRI support our alien overlords!

  Religion: Raëlism

  History: In 1973 French auto-racing journalist Claude Vorilhon changed his name to “Raël,” which he says means “messenger,” after he was visited by a 25,000-year-old alien named Yahweh. The alien told Raël, he says, that he had been chosen to tell the people of Earth the truth about…well, everything. Today Raël has an estimated 50,000 followers worldwide, mostly in Canada, France, South Korea, and Japan.

  Beliefs: Raëlians believe that all life on Earth was created via genetic engineering by a super-advanced race of alien beings called the Elohim. They’ve sent several prophets to Earth, including Buddha, Moses, Jesus, Mohammed, and the alien Yahweh, to help humans evolve into a more advanced state. Reaching that state will also require genetic engineering and cloning, and when we’re ready, the Elohim will come to reveal their message of peace, reverence for science—and sexual freedom—to all.

  Extra: Raël claims that in 1975, Yahweh took him to an orbiting spa just outside our solar system, where he got a massage and aromatherapy treatment. Then he had dinner with Jesus, Buddha, Moses, and other prophets. After dinner, Raël went to his apartment, where he made love to several attractive female robots.

  Religion: Universal Industrial Church of the New World Comforter

  History: The UICNWC was officially founded in 1973 by Allen Noonan, who was born in 1916 in Britt, Iowa. Noonan says, however, that his story really begins in 1947: While working as a sign painter in Long Beach, California, he claims, he was taken out of his body and beamed up into a “Galactic lightship,” where he was given his assignment as the clairvoyant channel of the Archangel Michael. (Which is why he changed his name to Allen Michael.) He had another alien encounter in 1954, moved to San Francisco’s Haight-Ashbury district during the 1960s, started a commune, and in 1973 had yet another alien encounter,
after which he founded the UICNWC. Nobody knows for sure how many followers he has today; the sect is centered around a Santa Rosa, California, commune with less than a dozen members, though there are more believers living elsewhere.

  * * *

  In a waiver of military law, U.S. troops in Iraq got to drink beer during the 2009 Super Bowl.

  * * *

  Beliefs: Michael is recognized by his followers as “an incarnate spiritual master from Galactica, a God conscious soul dedicated to serving humanity.” His religion he founded is a mishmash of hippie counterculture, New Age spirituality, the Bible, Eastern philosophy, Marxism, and, of course, UFOs. Michael and his ordained ministers are still hard at work channeling ancient galactic beings and spreading their wisdom via books, recordings, and an extensive Internet presence. (They even have their own YouTube channel.)

  Religion: The Order of the Solar Temple, or Ordre du Temple Solaire

  History: The OTS was founded in the 1980s by a Belgian man named Luc Jouret. He’d been interested in occultism for decades, and convinced a number of people that he and fellow occultist Joseph Di Mambro were reincarnations of members of the medieval Order of the Knights Templar. At its height in the 1990s, OTS had several thousand members and active lodges in Switzerland, Canada, and Australia.