Alayziah II: When Loving Him is Complicated

by B. Love

  “Yeah, I remember Bari saying something about that. She stays with you and your mom, right?”

  “Right. Her baby daddy Chris is such a bum. He doesn’t even take Christina out the house. He just comes over there to spend time with her every once in a while. I’ve never liked him but after what happened with Jasmine I really couldn’t stand him, really that’s why I started spending more time at Bari’s house. That’s why he set this room up for me.” Tears filled her eyes again. “One day Chris wanted to come over and see Christina but my mom wasn’t there. It was just Christina and me. I told her that I didn’t want to be around him but she said that he had every right to see his child and that I should just let what happened to Jasmine go and do what was best for Christina,” she began to sob. I took her into my arms. “He came over and… he raped me, Alayziah. He made me promise not to say anything. He said if I did, he would deny it and take Christina away from us, and I couldn’t let that happen. She’s the only thing we have left to remember Jasmine by. So, I just blocked it out of my head, but I missed my period this month. I’ve been throwing up all this week so I decided to take a pregnancy test. I’m pregnant, Al. I don’t want this baby. I can’t keep this baby. I’m only sixteen.”

  Tears had begun to flow from my own eyes. My legs were shaking. My anger rising. I stood and began to pace.

  “I’ll tell Bari.”

  “No!” She jumped up and grabbed my arms. “Al, he will kill Chris. Please. Don’t tell him. I don’t want him to go to jail because of me. Just, take me to get an abortion.”

  “Jessica, I can’t ignore this. What if he’s done something or will do something to your niece? We have to tell him, baby.”

  “What if I get him to leave? What if I tell him that I’m pregnant and if I have the baby, everyone will know that he raped me? What if I get him to promise to… to… just… leave. Please, Allie cat. Don’t tell Jabari.”

  “Jessica…”

  “Please, Alayziah. My brother will kill him. Please.”

  “Jessica…”

  Jabari knocked on the door lightly and Jessica jumped.

  “Y’all okay in there?” he asked.

  Jessica stared at me with pleading eyes.

  “I’ll make you a deal. You have to tell him that you were raped, but I will not tell him by who if you don’t want me to. I’ll get someone else to take care of Chris.”

  She nodded and hugged me tightly. “Okay, Allie cat. Thank you. I love you.”

  “I love you too, Pretty girl. I promise I do.”

  Rell

  “You want me to handle it?” I asked as I wiped her tears from her eyes.

  Alayziah had just finished telling me about Jessica. Not only was she raped, but the bastard took her virginity. Even though I didn’t know her, I knew that she meant a lot to Alayziah. So, whatever she wanted me to do, I’d handle the situation. Wasn’t nothing for a nigga to go back to his old street ways.

  “No, baby, I don’t want you getting caught up in this. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

  “Don’t worry about that. If you want me to handle it, I will, even if I don’t touch the nigga personally I’ll get somebody who will.”

  She looked at me and smiled. “I just wish she’d tell her brother. He’s over there sick right now.”

  “I bet he is. If a nigga violated my sister, I’d be on a fucking killing spree right now. I know it’s eating him up not knowing who did it. I know you said you wouldn’t tell him but you need to tell that man before this shit drives him crazy.”

  She nodded and looked away from me. “I want to tell him but she’s just scared that he’s going to go to jail.”

  “Mane, I’ll make sure that nigga don’t go to jail. I’ll have some niggas to handle it for him, but he needs to know, Alayziah.”

  “I’m sorry for ruining our night. You want to finish your mural?” she asked standing.

  I pulled her into me and kissed her stomach. “You don’t have to be so strong in front of me, Ziah. I can see it in your eyes that this is bothering you. I’m here for you, baby.”

  Before I could get the words out, she was falling into my arms.

  “I failed her, Rell. Why didn’t she call me? I told her she could come to me for anything, and she’s been walking around holding this weight on her shoulders alone.”

  “At least, she told you tonight, babe. We gone take care of it. I promise you that.”

  “I feel like I need to be with her.”

  “Absolutely. You want me to drop you off and pick you up in the morning? You know we got that session with the new chick I was telling you about.”

  “That’ll work. Thank you so much, Terrell.”

  “You don’t have to thank me. This is what I’m here for.”

  Caressing my cheeks, she pushed my head back slightly and stared into my eyes.

  “You’re my Adam. You know that?”

  I blushed as her fingers stroked my lips.

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Recite it to me.”

  She inhaled deeply as I pulled her closer. “I wrote something just for you.”

  “Oh, yeah? Let me hear it,” I said, picking her up and wrapping her legs around my waist.

  “You said the sun rises in my eyes but it sets as you stare into mine.

  And, when you speak it’s like music seeps from the crease between your top and bottom lip.

  You don’t have to demand respect because your character commands it.

  You know the power you could release into this world with the seeds between your thighs if you ever implanted them between mine what a problem that would be if your seed brought forth life inside of me.

  But, the problem would be the solution.

  The cause would be the cure.

  And, the combination of us would lead to a line of royalty that would reign forever more.

  Your scent is just as sweet as the taste of your skin.

  You love me so good it makes me want you so bad it feels as if this should be a sin to be so satisfied.

  I never thought I was capable of loving this way.

  You make it so easy to love you.

  Because of the way you love me.

  And, your love is like the light of Christ shining on me.

  I hope I bring out the God in you because you bring out the woman in me.

  You make me want to respect, love, and serve until my heart no longer beats.

  Some might think we’re moving too fast.

  But, I’ve moved slower in the past.

  Obviously, those relationships didn’t last even though I thought the pain would.

  But, you’ve loved on me more in a matter of weeks than any other man ever has.

  And, you have me for as long as you desire.

  And, I pray you choose to have me until we both expire.

  But, if for some reason, you end up leaving and break my heart in two

  It wouldn’t matter because I love you so much I still wouldn’t mind sharing it with you.”

  Tears were welling up in my eyes. I didn’t want to be a punk ass nigga and cry, but no woman had written anything so beautiful for me before. Sensing my emotions were on the rise, she placed kisses all over my face as I held her close.

  “That was beautiful, Alayziah. That’s how you really feel?” I finally managed to get out.

  “Yes, baby. That’s how I really feel. I’m so grateful to have you.”

  After wiping away the tear that had fallen from my eye, she kissed me deeply.

  “Let’s go,” I said, pushing her off me while I stood.

  “Go where?” she asked, following behind me.

  “To the studio. We gotta build on this vibe. Then, I’ll take you to her.”

  With no protest, she wrapped her arm around mine and we walked down to my home studio in silence, but I was confident that what we were about to create was going to speak volumes.

  Alayziah

  Rell and I ende
d up being in the studio all night. I recorded six poems and two songs. By the time I made it back to Jabari’s house, it was five in the morning. He let me in and I went straight to Jessica’s bed. I cuddled with her until it was time for her to go to school. She didn’t want to go but I talked her into going so she wouldn’t be sitting around the house all depressed all day. When Jabari returned from taking her to school, I was dressed and getting ready to head out for breakfast with Marcel. I hadn’t been spending much time with him lately so I wanted to make it up to him before I went back to the studio.

  “You leaving already?” he asked, throwing his keys on his coffee table.

  “Yeah. I gotta meet up with Marcel before I head back to the studio.”

  He walked towards me and towered over me.

  I looked up at him and smiled. “How are you doing?” I asked.

  He shrugged and put his hands in his pockets. “I’m okay. I’ll feel better when I know who did this so I can take care of them.”

  My heart ached. “Jabari, she made me promise not to tell you, but I know who did it.”

  After taking a step back, Jabari removed his hands and rubbed his face with them. “Who? Alayziah?”

  “What are you going to do to him?”

  “The fuck you think I’m gone do?”

  “Promise me that you’ll call Rell before you do anything crazy, Jabari. He and Bishop can help you. She doesn’t want you getting into any trouble because of her. Besides your mother, you’re all she has. If you went to jail or were hurt, she’d carry that with her for the rest of her life. Promise me that you won’t do anything without some help.”

  He walked towards me and wrapped his hands around my waist. I covered his arms with my hands and tried to remove them but he held me tighter.

  “Bari…”

  “Al, I was there for you… Be here for me. Love this pain out of me.”

  “Jabari, I’m in a relationship now. I can’t. I’m sorry.”

  “You’re in a relationship?” he asked with his arms still around me.

  “Yes.”

  “With who? Rell?” I nodded. “Alayziah, I need you.”

  “Call your girlfriend.”

  “It wouldn’t be the same.”

  “Jabari…”

  “Alayziah, please.” His lips found my neck and I shuddered involuntarily.

  “Jabari, stop,” I protested lightly. My spirit was willing to leave and be faithful to Rell but my flesh… my flesh was weak.

  “Come on, Al. I need to feel you. Please, Al.”

  He fell to his knees and tried to pull my leggings down. I gripped his head and pulled him into me and then I quickly pushed him away.

  “No Jabari! Get your shit together! When you’re ready to handle this nigga, call me and I’ll link you up with Rell and Bishop. Until then, I’ll get up with Jessica when she’s at home,” I yelled, grabbing my keys and purse.

  “I’m sorry, Al. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I’m sorry for disrespecting your relationship. I’m just… in my feelings right now.”

  Sadness laced his voice. My anger began to subside.

  “It’s cool. I’m sorry for yelling at you. I appreciate you so much Jabari because you were there for me at one of the toughest points in my life, but I’m committed to my man.”

  “I understand. Thank you for being here for my sister.”

  I nodded before walking out. No more alone time with Jabari. This was too close of a call.

  *

  On my way to breakfast with Marcel I called Rell to let him know about what had just happened with Jabari and me. I didn’t want to keep this from him because I didn’t want him to ever question whether or not he could trust me. I just prayed that he understood that Jabari was at a weak point and my sex drive almost got the best of me, but I quickly recovered. If I lost him because of this, I can’t even imagine how my life would be after experiencing him for this brief moment. He answered the phone and I couldn’t help but smile at the sound of his voice.

  “Baby,” I spoke lightly.

  “What’s up, Ziah? Why you sound like that?”

  “Sound like what?”

  “Like you got some shit on your mind.”

  “I do.”

  “Let me ease it then. Out your mind, just in time.”

  “You know that’s one of my favorite songs.”

  “I know baby. That whole smash up Erykah Badu did fits you perfectly.”

  “How so?”

  “Well, the first song on the Out my Mind just in Time smash up is Undercover over Lover right?”

  “Yeap.”

  “That’s you, baby. You are an undercover over-lover. You try to make it seem like you didn’t want love and a relationship, but that was only because you desperately needed it. You are a relational being. You love hard as hell. You let that shit consume you. Not everybody can understand and handle that, and that’s why your relationships have failed in the past. You were choosing to give that love to men who couldn’t understand and return it. They couldn’t balance you out. You were feeding them with your love, but they left you hungry because they couldn’t do the same.”

  I sighed heavily into the phone. “True.”

  “Then the second one she spits, Here I am alone is what happens after you’ve given your all to those bum ass niggas who couldn’t balance you. Had you feeling alone, insecure, crazy. Overthinking and overanalyzing that shit, had you thinking the problem was you, but it was never you, baby. You are special. You love hard, with your heart on your sleeve. You love unconditionally, and not too many people do that today. They don’t want to be weak. They don’t want to get played. They don’t want to feel. They don’t want to give. They just want to take, but you don’t love that way. No matter what happens between us I will always respect you for that.”

  “Terrell, I didn’t call you for this,” I whined with tears filling my eyes. The fact that he knew me almost better than I knew me had me feeling even worse about what had just happened between Jabari and me.

  “Then, she ends the three song suite with “Out my Mind Just in Time”. She explains that the reason why she was feeling the way she was in the previous song was because she was thinking about what someone else had done to her, but she acknowledged the fact that in order for her to feel good and be at peace – she had to let that shit go. She had to get that shit out of her mind, just in time and free that space up for positive thoughts and energy. That’s what I’m trying to do with you. Give you good vibes and memories. Get you out of your mind. Show you that you can’t seek love and peace on the outside. It must come from within. You have to create that shit for yourself within yourself. That’s the only way it’s going to last.”

  “Rell, Jabari tried to fuck me, and I almost gave in. He was having a weak moment over this situation with Jessica and he asked me to love the pain out of him. He kissed me on my neck, but I pushed him away, then he fell to his knees and tried to pull my leggings down, I’m not going to lie for a second I did pull his head into me out of a reflex, but I pushed him away and got on to his ass. I’m not going to be alone with him ever again. He apologized for disrespecting my relationship. It’s never going to happen again. I promise you that.”

  I waited for him to respond, but for a few seconds, all I heard was him breathing.

  “Did you want to fuck him, Alayziah?”

  “No, it was just a reflex. You know I can be a horn dog sometimes. I don’t want him or anyone else Rell, I only want you. I don’t need anyone else. You take care of me on every level – physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and financially. You’re it for me, Terrell.”

  “You sure about that, Alayziah?”

  “I’m positive. It was my pussy. It wasn’t my heart reacting to him.”

  “Cool, where you headed?”

  I looked at my phone skeptically. I wasn’t expecting him to be this calm, not that I was complaining.

  “That’s it? You’re not mad?”
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br />   “Why would I be mad? I’m secure in who I am and what I have to offer. I ain’t sweating no other nigga trying to take my spot. You fuck around you a fool. I get that shit happens, your little nasty ass just had a natural reaction, but if it happens again…”

  “It won’t, with him or anyone else. I give you my word.”

  “Then that’s all I need.”

  I smiled as I resisted the urge to tell him I loved him. Finally, it seemed as if I found a man who could compliment and handle me.

  Rell

  When Alayziah told me that she was going to IHOP to pick up some breakfast before she came back to the studio, I decided to meet her there. I was on my way back from Bishop and Kailani’s crib. They thought she was going into labor last night so I went to check them out. What Alayziah failed to mention, however, was the fact that she was meeting some nigga up here. Now I ain’t the jealous type, but I am possessive. I don’t share, and I don’t play about what’s mine. So, when I first saw her hugging the nigga and cheesing harder than a rat my skin started sweating, but since she had yet to do anything to make a nigga not be able to trust her, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. The little shit that she told me about that happened with Jabari flashed into a nigga’s brain, though. I ain’t gone lie.

  I walked over to them and pulled her into my arms from behind. The nigga looked at me like I was crazy but I didn’t give a fuck. She was mine. She moaned and wrapped her arm around my head and ran her hand down my neck.

  “Hey baby,” she spoke turning to face me.

  I kissed her forehead but I kept my eyes on the nigga she was with.

  “Who is this?” I asked as she wrapped her arms around my waist.

  “This is my best friend, Marcel. Marcel, this is Terrell.”

  He nodded and I did the same.

  “Why you ain’t tell me you were having breakfast with him? I came up here to surprise you and you already have a date.”

  “Well, baby, I didn’t expect you to stop by. I was going to bring you something back, but since you’re here, you can still eat with us. Y’all need to get to know each other anyway.”

  “Nah, baby, you enjoy your breakfast with your friend. I’ll see you in a little while.”