Tainted Light (Codex Blair Book 7)

by Izzy Shows

  It cleaved to him, desperate to not be removed.

  I yanked harder, visualizing both hands wrapped around the black ichor and jerked hard. I pulled, one hand after the other, alternating the degree of force I used, and extracted the taint bit by bit.

  He screamed as if death was knocking at his door. I kept an eye on his soul. He was nowhere near the danger point, yet. He was just kicking up a fuss because he didn’t want to let go of it. No doubt, he thought he could scare me into letting go.

  Fat chance. I’m not stopping until I have no other choice.

  I wouldn’t fail Malphas. This was his brother. That might not mean a lot to him right now, but it would matter if he lost him.

  Gods, this was harder than I’d expected. So much harder than with Lilith. But that was to be expected. He was Fallen.

  My vision blurred as I continued to pull on it. It wasn’t enough. Not yet. I had to remove enough that they would be able to contain him until I could finish.

  So weak.

  My knees ached, and a sharp pain went through them. I dimly realized I’d dropped from squatting to kneeling somehow. Apparently, I wasn’t strong enough to hold myself up.

  The beating from Emily, Bael stealing a piece of my soul, and now this was too much for me.

  No, can’t stop.

  I wrenched harder, fought to remove more, just a little—

  The world fell away.

  Chapter 35

  No, won’t stop!

  I lurched forward to a sitting position.

  What the fuck just happened? I looked wildly around, before realizing I was back in the room at Malphas’ palace. He and Emily stood over me, concerned looks on their face.

  “Fuck! I’m sorry. What happened?” A sense of shame swarmed me.

  Whatever had happened, I’d failed. The last thing I remembered was battling to pull the taint out of Zepar. I didn’t remember finishing, which meant…oh, no.

  “Settle down, Blair.” Malphas put a hand on my shoulder and eased me back into the bed. “Everything’s all right. You blacked out.”

  “How is everything all right, then?” I struggled to sit up, but his hold on my shoulder was like iron. I couldn’t break it.

  Emily smiled at me. “You got enough.” He blacked out, too. Bringing him here after that was no problem, and now he’s chained up. You shouldn’t have pushed yourself so hard.”

  “Had to make sure it was enough.” I frowned. “He blacked out, too?”

  “Before you did,” Malphas said, his eyebrows knitting together. “You didn’t notice?”

  “No, his soul was fine…” I shook my head. “I was keeping an eye on it to make sure I didn’t do too much damage. I planned to stop as soon as it reached that point.”

  “Doesn’t look like there’ll be any lasting damage. You should have stopped when you felt your limits being pushed.”

  I shrugged, not entirely comfortable with the conversation. “There was more to do.”

  “You’re more important,” Emily said softly. “You should have respected your limits.”

  “I’m fine. Just overdid it a little. No big deal.”

  They didn’t look reassured. They exchanged a look I couldn’t decipher, having a silent conversation I wasn’t included in.

  “It’s really not a big deal. Zepar was stronger than I expected, that’s all.”

  “I don’t think you should continue.” Malphas crossed his arms. “Not if it’s going to result in this.”

  “I can do this,” I protested. “I’ll be more careful. I just wanted to make sure I removed enough so you’d be able to contain him the first time. With him chained up, there’s no need to go so hard next time.”

  He appeared to deliberate, his jaw clenched tight. After expelling a harsh breath through his nose, he inclined his head.

  “If you promise to respect your boundaries, I will allow you to continue.”

  I wanted to tell him to stop with this ‘allow you’ business he seemed to be stuck on but pushing it wasn't wise.

  My position was tenuous at best right now. I needed to play my cards right.

  “Good, I’m glad that’s—ah!” I grimaced when I sat up, clutching a hand to my chest.

  “What is it?” Emily took a step closer.

  “Nothing, really,” I pushed the pain down. “I just need to purge the taint I took in.”

  “Took in?” Her eyes were wide and horrified. “Why would you do that?”

  I averted my eyes, feeling guilty even though I had no reason to. “It’s the only way to remove it.”

  “I didn’t know you had to do that. I would never have agreed to let you do this if I had. You can’t do that again.”

  “Like hell. Malphas can’t control himself when he’s doing it. He could kill his brother.” I looked pointedly at Malphas. “You might not care right now, but you damn well will if it happens.”

  He flinched and looked away, not saying anything.

  I shifted my gaze back to Emily. “It’ll be fine. I did it for Lilith. Nothing bad happened then.” ” I turned, so my legs hung off the bed and pushed myself up, wobbling for a second when I landed on my feet. “I just need to—ah!

  Malphas took a step forward to help, but I held my hand up to stop him. I was capable of keeping myself upright. My pride demanded it.

  He nodded, not quite meeting my eyes. “I have a private area. No one will interrupt you there.”

  “I’ll come with you,” Emily said.

  “No, I…I don’t want you to see the taint coming out of me.”

  Pain shot across her face before she schooled her expression. I hated to see her hurting like that, and worse, knowing I caused it, but I couldn’t…

  If she saw me like that, she would think less of me. She wouldn’t want to be with me.

  I looked over at Malphas. “Lead the way.”

  Pain shot through me again when I took a step, but I hid it. I couldn’t let them know how bad this was.

  I needed to get the taint out of me now, or else.

  Chapter 36

  Malphas was silent as he led me through the palace. We hadn’t had a moment alone since I’d found him, but now that we were, I didn’t know what to say to him.

  We came to a large set of doors. He opened them and ushered me inside. When I entered, I was struck by the grandeur around me.

  It was a room fit for the king of hell. This was where he lived when he was here. I couldn’t believe how huge and lavish it all was.

  I glanced at him, my eyes wide, but he still wasn’t looking at me.

  “Through here.” He gestured to a pair of glass doors that led outside.

  I walked over and stepped outside. It was a garden, like the one adjacent to my room, but much larger.

  “I don’t want to ruin your garden,” I said, finally breaking the silence. “Surely, there’s someplace you don’t care about that I could do this at.”

  He shrugged. “I would prefer you do it here. No one would dare come through those doors without my permission, so there’s no risk of someone stumbling upon you. I know you didn’t want to do it in your garden where Emily could see you.”

  I bit my lip and then nodded. He was right. He knew me too well for my liking.

  “Well, I guess I should…” I looked around, trying to figure out where to do this. I felt awkward, even though I’d done this in front of him before.

  So much had changed between us.

  “Would you prefer I leave?” He asked stiffly, sounding like a stranger.

  “No…” I held out a hand. He took it, his features softening. “Don’t leave.”

  A bittersweet smile tilted his lips up. “I’ll stay as long as you want me.”

  His tone suggested he wasn’t just talking about the purge.

  He led me by the hand to a secluded corner of the garden. There was a wall I could lean against if needed.

  “Will this work?”

  “Yeah.” I took a deep breath. “Time to get this
over with.”

  I uttered the spell, and it took effect instantly. Black smoke lurched up my throat and poured out my mouth. I staggered, one hand going to the wall. It was immediately followed by my other hand. I tried to remain standing, tried to cling to the wall, but it hurt so much. I fell to my knees.

  I trembled. My fingers scraped against the wall so much I felt the sharp sting of pain as it cut into my skin. The taint didn’t want to leave me any more than it had its prior residents, but it couldn’t fight the spell. It had to be expelled. But that didn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt me as much as it could on its way out.

  I choked on the smoke. I fought to breathe through it, but it gave me no respite. Gods, but it hurt so much.

  The end was in sight, the end of the taint, at least. As the last bits of sulfur abandoned my throat, the contents of my stomach followed.

  It was humiliating to kneel there and vomit in front of him. He’d seen me like this before, and it hadn’t changed anything between us. There was no need for it to do so this time.

  Not that there was anything to change. He’d locked himself away from me, and I didn’t know where even to start looking for the key. I faintly felt his hand rubbing circles on my back. He was trying to comfort me through the pain.

  At last, it was over. I stayed down on the ground, trembling from the aftershocks.

  “Is there anything I can do?” he asked softly, still stroking my back.

  “It’s over and done now. Just need to catch my breath. Maybe get this taste out of my mouth.”

  He chuckled, and the sound of it soothed my soul some. When was the last time I’d heard him laugh? Gods, it sounded so good.

  “We can get you back to your room in a moment, and you could brush your teeth there.”

  I shifted so I could look at him, a sharp frown twisting my lips.

  “Not yet. I do want to clear my mouth, but I want to talk to you more.”

  He stiffened. “I suppose I do owe you a conversation. You can use my bathroom. I’ll take care of this.”

  He gestured at the corner, and my cheeks flushed. I hated that he’d seen me like that, but he was so gentle, so caring, that I didn’t feel quite as embarrassed as I might have. I stood, wobbling a little. He caught my elbow to stabilize me.

  I gave him a small smile and then made my way back to his suite. The first door I went through led me to a bedroom—his bedroom. I froze for a moment, taking in the sight of it. The king-sized bed was pressed against the wall. A large black comforter stretched over it. The antique carved wooden dresser and nightstands looked and probably were ancient. There was a floor length mirror in the corner Paintings and decorations were scattered throughout.

  It was much more decadent than his flat in London. I couldn’t believe he lived like this.

  I forced myself to ignore it and crossed the room to another door. I assumed it was his bathroom. It was probably the only one in the suite that would have a toothbrush.

  The bathroom was more extravagant than any I’d seen before, but I pushed the thought away as I quickly brushed my teeth. I washed his toothbrush after, not wanting to leave my germs on it.

  I made my way back to the garden where he waited patiently for me. He had a pack of cigarettes and a lighter in one hand. On the little patio table sat two glasses of whiskey. He arched an eyebrow and dropped his gaze to the drinks.

  I grinned. “Old times?”

  “I thought you might want them,” he said, holding out the pack.

  I took the pack from him. He held out a chair for me to sit.

  I took a sip of the whiskey, enjoying the way it burned down my throat in the best kind of way. The only thing that would make it better would be a cigarette, and he’d made sure I would have one.

  I lit up and took a drag, letting the nicotine relax me.

  He sat across from me, relaxing in his chair and cradling his glass in one hand. He looked at home, so entirely in his element, that for a moment I couldn’t do anything more than just drink in the sight of him.

  Why did he have to confuse me so much? Why did looking at him make my heart speed up? It wasn’t fair.

  Life wasn’t fair.

  “You wanted to talk,” he said, taking a sip of his whiskey.

  I nodded, taking another drag on my cigarette as I formulated my thoughts.

  “You hurt me.” I bit my lip before continuing. “And not just when you took the mark away, that hurt bad, too, but the things you said.”

  His eyes darkened. “I cannot apologize enough for my actions. I truly thought I was doing what was best for you at the time, and I stand by it. What happened with Bael was the least that could have happened. If Zepar hadn’t been a distraction…”

  “They don’t seem to want to hurt me now.” I frowned. “Asmodeus doesn’t, and Valefor seems to like me well enough.”

  He shook his head. “Valefor is interested in you. That is not a good thing. Bael is also interested in you. We are lucky enough that Marchosias hasn’t said anything as of yet, and…I don’t know what’s going on with Asmodeus. He’s been odd of late.”

  “He wants a better relationship with you,” I said. “At least, that’s the way it seems. The way he looks at you, it’s like he misses you, even though you’re right there.”

  He frowned. “I don’t understand.”

  “You aren’t close with your brothers, are you?”

  “Not particularly, no.”

  “I think Asmodeus wants to rectify that,” I said softly. “It’s good to have someone to lean on. You should try and reach out to him.”

  He didn’t seem to know what to make of that. “I will…talk to him.”

  “Good. I’m glad. He’s been nice. He deserves to have a real brother.”

  “This isn’t what we were supposed to be talking about,” he said with a bitter laugh.

  “No, I guess we got a little sidetracked.” I chewed on my lip and then took another drag of my cigarette. “We were talking about why you did what you did.”

  “Mm.” He sipped his whiskey. “I’ve told you why. I am very sorry for the pain I caused, and I don’t expect you to forgive me. Please, believe me, I did not come to you that night to trick you. At the time, I didn’t realize that I was actually speaking to you. I thought it was a dream.”

  “I forgive you,” I said softly.

  “And if I had known that it wasn’t a dream, I would never have knocked on your—what?” His eyes jerked up to mine sharply, bewildered.

  “I said I forgive you.” I shrugged. “I understand why, even if I don’t agree. I don’t want it to drive a wedge between us, though. I missed you. And if you didn’t mean what you said—”

  “I didn’t mean a word of it.” His voice rasped when he spoke, and he swallowed thickly. “It hurt me more than I can say even to speak such things. I hated myself for what I said to you.”

  It made me feel a lot better to hear him say that. After all the pain I’d gone through, turning his words over and over in my mind, trying to make sense of them and just hurting myself all over again remembering them, it soothed me somewhat to know he hadn’t meant them. Knowing now that his words had been only to drive me away, and not how he felt, take away the pain altogether, but it was a step toward healing it.

  “Well, then that’s behind us.” I gave him a weak smile. “I’m glad we can move on from it.”

  “I am as well,” he said, letting out a breath. “You have no idea.”

  “And there’s no reason for you to push me away anymore.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “Your brothers know about me. There’s no going back from it.”

  He sighed. “Yes, you’re right. I can’t undo that now. We’ll just have to figure out a way to live with it.”

  “It’ll work out.”

  “You are more optimistic than me.” He laughed.

  My heart leaped at the sound.

  He sobered. “I should congratulate you on your relationship with Emily. She’s an amazing person, and I’m ha
ppy for you.” His smile didn’t reach his eyes. His tone was so bitter, it almost hurt.

  I felt defensive for some reason. “At least she respects me. She loves me, and I don’t have to worry about where I stand with her.”

  “Yes.” He sounded sad. “I can certainly agree that she is better for you than me, even if my hat was never truly in the ring.”

  I knew it must hurt him to say that. He’d never made it a secret that he’d wanted me. I’d pushed him back because a relationship between us would never work because he was Fallen. We would never be on equal footing.

  And I wasn’t the kind of girl that fell head over heels for the bad boy, right?

  So, why did it hurt so much to hear him talk like he was done? I should be glad he was giving it up and respecting my relationship with Emily.

  I couldn’t meet his eyes anymore.

  I was so confused by how he made me feel in contrast with the feelings I had for Emily. I loved her so much, but there would always be this pull between Malphas and me.

  “I’m sorry…Mal,” I whispered, finally looking up at him.

  He blinked, surprised, and then smiled sadly. “I never thought you would call me that again.”

  “I was mad at you.”

  “You do not say it in the same way,” he said, standing. “But that’s all right. Some things can’t go back to the way they were.”

  No, I guessed they couldn’t.

  Chapter 37

  Walking back to the suite I shared with Emily gave me time to wallow in my thoughts when all I wanted was to be distracted from them. I’d left Mal in the garden, unable to continue the conversation when it felt like a thousand knives were stabbing into my heart.

  Why did it feel like something had ended? And why did that hurt so much more than his words had when he’d pushed me away two years ago? I tried to convince myself it was just a physical desire, but the way my heart had leaped when he laughed, the sense of relief I felt when it seemed like everything was fixed, and the way it hurt so much to walk away from him…how could I dismiss all of that as just lust?