Bound by Honor Bound by Love

by Ruth Ann Nordin

  “Of course, it is! You just don’t want to do it because it would require you to do something the chief doesn’t want. All you care about is the chief. If he wants something, you do it. And right now, you’re forcing out good people who’ve helped our tribe because it’s what he wants.”

  He winced. “Onawa, it’s not like that.”

  “I’m not stupid. I can see what’s going on.” After a moment of silence, she shot him a pleading look. “Don’t do this, Citlali. You know it’s not the best thing for our people.”

  “You mean it’s not the best thing for you.” Her lower lip trembled, and he regretted saying those words to her. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “You think I don’t want what’s best for the tribe because I don’t want to force out the white people?”

  “I know you want what’s best for the tribe. It’s why you’re a good wife for me.”

  She frowned, and he immediately wished he hadn’t said those words either. It wasn’t exactly what he meant. She was a good wife, but her wish for the good of the tribe wasn’t the only reason she was. He struggled to think of a better way to state his case, to explain more fully what she meant to him, but the words wouldn’t come.

  “I need to be alone,” she said in a way that made him wonder whether she’d stay in his lodge or not.

  When she walked away from him, he never felt more alone in his entire life.

  Chapter Ten

  “I can’t believe he’s doing this,” Onawa cried into the handkerchief Julia handed her.

  “He’s not doing it. The chief is,” Woape said.

  The three sat in the grass, away from the lodges. Onawa had to talk to her sister and Julia about what she’d just learned. She understood the chief would make the announcement the next day, so she hadn’t felt right about telling everyone. But Woape and Julia were two people she was close to who would understand why she was upset by the news. Usually, she’d want to tell Amata, too, but considering she was Citlali’s sister, she didn’t feel right in putting Amata in the middle of this.

  “You can’t blame Citlali,” Woape softly replied.

  Onawa shook her head as she wiped her tears from her cheeks. “He didn’t tell him no.”

  Julia put her arm around Onawa’s shoulders. “It’s not as easy as that, Onawa. Chogan and I have had enough dealings with the chief and Citlali to know that the chief manipulates things so that Citlali doesn’t have a choice.”

  “If Citlali cared, he wouldn’t give in, no matter how the chief manipulates things to his advantage,” Onawa replied, her tone turning cold. “Citlali’s brother is right. Citlali’s first love is his duty to the chief. No one else matters.”

  Woape’s eyebrows furrowed in concern. “It’s not like you to say things like this.”

  “But how can I not say these things when I’m going to lose you, our father, and Julia?” Onawa protested. “Surely, you won’t allow Gary to leave with your children. I won’t see my nieces anymore. And Julia is white, so she can’t stay. Then Father will leave because he just asked Erin to marry him, and she said yes.”

  “I doubt Father and my aunt Erin would have stayed in the tribe anyway,” Julia said. “Chogan’s halfway done with our cabin, and Erin and I would like to live close to each other. Even as we speak, your father and Chogan have been thinking of building another cabin close to where Chogan and I will be.”

  This news made Onawa cry even harder. While she knew Julia and Chogan planned to leave the tribe during the summer, she had no idea her father would leave with Erin. She assumed Erin would stay in the tribe with him.

  Woape sighed. “Onawa, life as we know it is changing, and there’s nothing we can do about it. The Mandans will never be the way they once were. But it doesn’t mean our affiliation with the white man is wrong. Whether someone is white or Mandan makes little difference. People are people.”

  “I know that,” Onawa replied, wondering why her sister felt the need to explain this.

  “But the chief doesn’t,” Woape softly stated.

  “I’m not talking about the chief. I’m talking about Citlali. How could he stand by the chief while family and friends are being forced out of the tribe?”

  Julia and Woape glanced at each other before Julia said, “It’s not as easy as it seems, Onawa. Chogan spent enough time with Citlali to understand that Citlali doesn’t agree with everything the chief does, but since he’s the chief, Citlali must follow his leading. When Citlali becomes chief, he can do things differently.”

  “But will he?” Onawa pressed.

  “I think so,” Julia replied.

  Onawa wanted to believe her friend, but didn’t know if she could.

  “Why don’t you ask him what he’d do if he was leading the tribe?” Woape suggested, her voice soft.

  “I don’t see how it would do any good,” Onawa replied. “He could lie to tell me what I want to hear.”

  “We both know that Citlali doesn’t lie.”

  Though Woape meant well, Onawa thought she missed the point. If Citlali couldn’t stand up to the chief now, how could he stand up to others in the tribe who were older than him and didn’t like the way he did things? Even if she didn’t approve of what the chief was doing, there was no denying that he was determined to do things as he saw fit. He didn’t let the opinion of others sway him. But Citlali let the chief’s opinion direct his course, even though it meant that some of the people they needed in the tribe would have to leave.

  The sound of gentle footsteps brought Onawa’s attention to the person approaching them. She thought it might be Citlali, and in some strange way it would have made her feel better about everything since it meant he cared enough to seek her out. But it was Amata.

  Her gaze shifted from Onawa to Woape to Julia before it went back to Onawa. “When I saw Citlali come to the lodge without you, I thought something was wrong. Onawa, are you alright?”

  Onawa sighed. She didn’t know what to tell Amata. At any other time, she’d tell her everything, but Amata had no one close to her she’d lose when the chief made his announcement and she was Citlali’s sister. She’d most likely agree that Citlali was right in following the chief. And why shouldn’t she? He was her brother.

  “I’m fine, Amata,” Onawa replied.

  “We’re just talking,” Woape added. “She’ll be at the lodge soon.”

  Amata hesitated for a moment but nodded and headed back to the tribe.

  Onawa knew she’d have to explain why she didn’t confide in her like she usually did, and there was no denying the sting of guilt she felt at turning Amata away. With a heavy sigh, she brought her knees up to her chest and rested her forehead on them.

  “We’ll be alright,” Woape told her, rubbing her back in the same manner their mother used to do when they were children and needed comfort. “Gary knows a man who owns the mercantile. He offered Gary a job working for him. He deals with a lot of Indians and could use Gary to help him do business. It might be a good thing for him.”

  Onawa looked at her sister. “I didn’t know he had an employment offer.”

  “He received it last week and said he wouldn’t take it since Citlali needs him to help with the trade, but the mercantile owner said the offer was open any time he needed it.”

  “It sounds like he should take it,” Julia commented.

  Woape nodded. “I didn’t think so at first, but after hearing this, it seems like the offer came at the right time.”

  “Does that mean you’ll live in Bismarck?” Onawa asked Woape.

  “Either we’ll live in town or outside it,” she replied.

  “And will we get to see each other?” Onawa looked at Julia. “Will we get to see each other, too? I have no way of leaving this tribe without someone else. I don’t know much of the white man’s language, and I don’t feel safe traveling alone.”

  “It’s not a good idea for a woman to travel alone,” Julia said.

  Woape hesitated but finally
spoke. “Onawa, if the chief is determined to keep white people out of the tribe, that might mean we won’t be able to come here to visit. From what you said, it sounds like the chief is determined to keep the white man’s influence out of the tribe. If that’s that case, then a white visitor would pose a threat to him.”

  “I’m afraid Woape’s right. Chogan and I’ve seen the chief’s determination firsthand.”

  Onawa was afraid of that, and as she thought of how empty her life was about to become without her father, sister and Julia, she cried more into the handkerchief.

  “Maybe once we leave, the chief will realize how much the white people living here has benefited the tribe and change his mind,” Woape ventured in a tone that indicated she doubted the chief would ever do that.

  Onawa shook her head and cried harder.

  “I’m sorry,” Woape whispered.

  “You have nothing to be sorry for,” Onawa replied through her sobs.

  “I don’t know. Maybe I do. I was supposed to marry Citlali and have full-blooded Mandan children to continue our way of life in this tribe. Instead, I ran away and married a white man and had his children. The chief wasn’t happy with that decision.”

  “But it worked out anyway,” Julia argued in an effort to comfort Woape. “Onawa married Citlali and is expecting his child.”

  “But in our tribe, a man often marries a woman and her younger sisters. That means Onawa and I were supposed to have Citlali’s children, and the chief must think of that from time to time.”

  “Well, Onawa can have twice as many children and make up for the ones you aren’t having with Citlali.”

  “The chief doesn’t see it that way, Julia,” Woape replied with a shake of her head. “He assumes I would have the same number of children as Onawa.”

  Onawa didn’t know what was worse: learning her family and friends were about to be forced out of the tribe or the realization that all the chief valued her for was her ability to give Citlali children. After a moment, she decided it was the latter issue that was worse since it meant the chief saw her—and others in the tribe—as chattel. All everyone seemed to be was a means to an end.

  She wondered if Citlali saw everyone the same way. Was she merely a way for him to have children? Did he tell her he loved her the night they married so that she’d be a willing participant to his bed? He hadn’t said he loved her since that night, and it felt as if he had been distancing himself from her. Perhaps it was because she was with child, which meant he accomplished his goal. Maybe after she gave birth and it was time to get her pregnant again, he’d draw closer to her and tell her what she longed to hear. The thought made her blood grow cold. Maybe when he looked at her, he saw a brooding mare and nothing more.

  “Onawa?”

  Blinking back more tears, she looked at Woape who studied her with a concerned expression on her face. “Why didn’t you want to marry Citlali? Why did you run away?”

  Woape sighed. “I knew he didn’t love me. He was polite and willing to marry me, but I felt no warmth from him. He was going to marry me out of duty, and I wanted someone who wanted to be with me.”

  Onawa recalled Woape’s guarded reaction when she’d told Woape that Citlali said he loved her. No wonder Woape hadn’t seemed to share in her joy back then. She must have worried that Citlali didn’t mean those words, that he was only saying them because it helped accomplish his goals.

  “You’re happy with him, aren’t you?” Julia asked Onawa. “He loves you.”

  “He loves the fact that he’ll be a chief,” Onawa sourly noted.

  “Granted, he does, but he also loves you,” Julia insisted. “He told you so on your wedding night.”

  “But he hasn’t said it since,” Onawa protested.

  “Some men don’t feel like they have to keep saying it. They figure once they tell you, you know.”

  “He has no trouble expressing his desire to see the tribe prosper. How often does Chogan tell you he loves you?”

  “Citlali’s not Chogan. You can’t compare the two.”

  “How often?” Onawa insisted.

  With a sigh, Julia answered, “A lot. I don’t know how much because he does it all the time.”

  She turned her gaze to Woape. “And how often does Gary tell you he loves you?”

  Woape shrugged. “I don’t know. A couple times a month, I think.”

  “Citlali and I have been married for three months,” Onawa began, “and he’s only told me once—on the night we married. He hasn’t said it since. Either he no longer loves me or he never loved me to begin with.”

  “Three months isn’t a long time to go without hearing him say he loves you,” Woape assured her.

  “If Gary went that long without saying he loved you, would you be upset?” Onawa demanded, trying to get her sister to understand why she wasn’t happy.

  “I know what you’re getting at, but Gary is nothing like Citlali. Citlali’s always hid his feelings. You never can tell how he’s feeling about anything. Surely, you knew this when you married him.”

  Onawa’s face grew warm. No, she hadn’t known it when she married him. She heard other people discuss how difficult Citlali was to deal with, but she figured it was because they didn’t want to take the time to get to know him. Now she was beginning to think they had made the effort, but he had blocked them out, just as he kept blocking her out. She hadn’t realized it before. There was no denying the fact that he had been pulling away from her ever since their wedding night.

  Up to now, she dismissed it as him being preoccupied with what he and the chief did for the tribe. But there was no denying it any longer. For some reason, he put up a wall between them, and no matter what she’d done, she hadn’t been able to break through it. And what was worse was the fact that she loved him to the point where her heart was breaking.

  “You need to talk to him,” Julia softly advised.

  “Julia’s right,” Woape said. “Things might not be as bad as you fear, but you won’t know until you try to work things out with him.”

  Though Onawa nodded and assured them she would talk to him, she didn’t know if she dared. What if he confirmed her fears? Maybe it was better to wonder and never know for sure. Uncertain of what she should do, she stood up and offered them a weak thank you before she headed back for Citlali’s lodge.

  ***

  Citlali sat in the man’s private area of his lodge so no one would ask him why he hadn’t returned with Onawa. He wondered if she would come back to his lodge tonight. Perhaps she would go to her family’s lodge. Citlali didn’t want to think it. He knew she had every right to be upset, and he knew she might divorce him for betraying her family. Women in the tribe divorced their husbands for reasons less than that.

  He winced. He knew he was supposed to be gracious and let her go. It was the way of their people. But the idea that she might actually do it made his stomach turn. His gaze traveled to the area of the lodge where Onawa usually entered, but she didn’t come through it like he hoped. By the fire pit, his sister worked on her beads, and his brother sat down to talk to her. After a minute, his brother glanced his way and snickered. Citlali frowned, not caring for the way his brother chose to mock him.

  Who cared what his brother thought? Citlali had more important things to worry about. He glanced at the entrance again and noted that Onawa still wasn’t there. With a sigh, he closed his eyes and focused on calming his swirling emotions. He didn’t like this. He felt way too vulnerable. Clenching his knees with his hands so he would get up to leave the lodge and look for Onawa, he took deep breaths to relax. In the past, it worked. Except this time it didn’t. No matter what he tried, he couldn’t relax.

  All he could think of was the hurt look on Onawa’s face. It had been the hardest thing he’d ever had to go through, and if he was lucky, he’d never have to endure that again. It took all of his strength not to break down and beg for her to understand that defying the chief wasn’t done lightly.

  He hea
rd his sister call out to Onawa, so he opened his eyes, grateful that she had returned. He resisted the urge to bolt up and run over to her, to thank her for not divorcing him and to ask her to always stay with him. There were so many things he wanted to say, and yet, he couldn’t find a way to voice any of them. So he opted for sitting still for a moment longer while he settled his nerves.

  Onawa sat beside his sister and talked to her in a low tone. He hid his disappointment. He wished she had come over to him, but considering no one was to disturb him while he sat in this particular corner of the lodge, he couldn’t take her action personally. Deciding to give her the opportunity to approach him, he rose to his feet and went to the small room they shared. He figured they should speak in private. For sure, he didn’t want his brother hearing anything she told him.

  He glanced her way before he slipped into their room, and though he willed her to look in his direction, she continued talking to his sister. Their heads were bent close together, so he couldn’t even read her lips to get an idea of what she was telling his sister. Feeling the weight of someone staring at him, his gaze went to his brother who was looking right at him. He felt his expression harden as a scowl formed on his face. His brother’s eyes widened in surprise. Realizing he’d slipped and showed his brother that he bothered him, Citlali stepped into the room and set the buffalo skin in place so he was alone—or as alone as he could be in the lodge.

  He sat on the bed he and Onawa shared and removed his clothes. He hoped she wouldn’t take too long to come to him. Even as he was relieved she returned to the lodge, he couldn’t help but worry that she chose to spend so much time with his sister. Pushing aside the mounting doubts threatening to force their way to the surface, he hung his clothes on a hook and settled into the bed. He could smell Onawa’s pleasant scent on the buffalo blanket. Closing his eyes, he brought the blanket to his nose and took a deep breath, imagining for just a moment that she was in bed with him. When he opened his eyes, the spot beside him was empty.

  With a sigh, he stared at the ceiling and listened for any words that Onawa might be telling his sister, but she was too quiet. Perhaps he shouldn’t have been so hasty to retreat to a place where he could be alone with her. At least before, he could see what she was doing.