Live and Let Die

by Bianca Sloane

  Tracy stood up and started to pace. “I was going to wait to tell you this, but I’ve made an appointment with a lawyer first thing Monday.”

  “No. I won’t accept that.”

  “We both know it’s for the best.”

  “Just give me another chance. I’m begging you,” he pled, dissolving into shuddering sobs.

  “You can’t stay here tonight. There’s a Best Western on Diversey. I’m sure they have some vacancies. Or better yet, go back to Milwaukee, finish your conference.”

  “Tracy, please, I love you. You are my life, my… my reason for living. If you leave me, I won’t have anything, no reason to go on.”

  Tracy looked down at the rug, trying to fight back her tears of pity and guilt. “I’m sorry, Phillip. I’m sorry. If you had just… trusted me, trusted in what we had, things could have been so different.”

  “They can. We can, I mean, I can. Let’s just take some time and regroup and I’ll work on things, I’ll trust you, I’ll be the man you fell in love with. I swear. I swear.”

  Tracy held out her hand. “Please give me all the keys.”

  “Tracy, no—”

  “Phillip, don’t start this bullshit with me. Text me and tell me where you’re staying, I’ll have a messenger deliver your things.”

  Phillip lunged for Tracy in an attempt to take her in his arms. Frightened, Tracy ducked away from his grasp. She lost her footing and with a soft “oh,” tripped back against the hallway table, hitting the back of her head.

  And then there was darkness.

  EIGHTY-FIVE

  Tracy Ellis stood now in that tiny bathroom in a motel somewhere in the United States. She looked over to her right, turned the bathroom light on again, and looked at herself in the mirror.

  “Tracy,” she whispered at the woman staring back at her. Numb, she turned and walked into the bedroom and lowered herself onto the lumpy edge of the bed.

  She replayed the last three years in her mind. The subtle yet effective brainwashing that Phillip had pulled on her. Dr. Keegan. The hospital. Convincing her she’d committed murder for him. Telling her how much she loved housework, programming her to serve him and locking her in closets if she took a single misstep. Slapping belts across her bottom. Making himself her entire world, shutting her off from everything. Not letting her drive, or pick out her own clothes, making her… oh God. Tracy ran a hand over her hair. Dyeing her brown hair black. She dropped her face into her hands. It was like he had a remote control and was using it to dictate her every move, every thought. Every aspect of her life. He had to have everything just so and she wasn’t allowed to have an opinion at all. Wasn’t allowed to think for herself, do anything at all but clean, clean, clean and be his twenty-four hour a day slave.

  No friends.

  No family.

  No nothing.

  Just him.

  Only him.

  Which was the way he always wanted it.

  She thought about the house where she lived: the bleak white walls, the immaculate white carpet, everything so dull.

  Just like Phillip.

  He’d been so threatened by her energy, her love of life. It both attracted him and repelled him. He had fallen in love with it, but was dismayed when he realized he couldn’t control it.

  And so he stole her, made her believe she was dead and remade her into the perfect little woman he’d always wanted.

  Feeding her birth control pills to ensure a baby wouldn’t take any of her attention away from him.

  What else had he been slipping her?

  Tracy didn’t know whether to cry or to scream or to laugh.

  The motel room door flew open and Phillip came in holding two greasy brown bags and a holder of soft drinks.

  Tracy looked up at him for a moment before she gave him a sweet smile. “Hello dear. What took you so long?”

  Phillip’s eyes narrowed. “There was a long line. Took me longer than I had anticipated.” He motioned to the table across the room. “Come now. Let’s eat.”

  “I’m not hungry.”

  Phillip stood rooted where he was. “I went out of my way to get you food. Now eat.”

  Tracy placed her hands behind her on the bed and leaned back. “Oh, you’re always going out of your way for me, aren’t you, dear?”

  Phillip licked his lips. “Yes. I’ve always done a lot for you. You know that.”

  Tracy seemed to contemplate this. “Like what?” she said.

  “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me. Like what?”

  “Paula, I really don’t appreciate this tone you’re taking with me. I suppose you are tired and need the rest. Perhaps you should sleep now.” He carried the bags of food in the direction of the table.

  “Don’t you mean Tracy?”

  Phillip stopped. “What?” he asked without turning around.

  Tracy smiled to herself as she picked up on the tremor of terror in his voice. “Don’t you mean… ‘Tracy, I don’t appreciate this tone you’re taking with me’?”

  Phillip dropped the fast food bags on the table and turned to face her. “You can’t believe the garbage that woman was saying. I told you, she was just trying to confuse you.”

  “Oh, you mean Sondra?”

  “Yes, Sondra is Tracy’s sister.”

  “No. She’s my sister.”

  “Paula, I am losing my patience with you.”

  Tracy ran her tongue along her teeth and crossed her legs, cupping her hands over one knee. “I wish you would call me by the name my parents gave me… not the one you did.”

  “What?”

  “Tracy.”

  Phillip swallowed. “No.”

  “Say it.”

  “I can’t. I won’t.”

  “Tracy.”

  He shook his head, and Tracy could see the tears pooling along the edges of his eyes. “Please.”

  “Tracy.”

  The tears fell out and splashed against his cheek. “Just let me explain,” he sobbed.

  Tracy stood up and walked over to Phillip. “Explain what? That you, you brainwashed me into believing I was someone else? That I had killed someone?”

  “You don’t understand—”

  “Oh, I understand. You lied to me and kept me good and tight under your thumb.” She was circling him now, like a panther stalking its prey. “Just like you always wanted. Me just so… devoted to you, only thinking about you. No friends, no family, nothing, nothing but you, you, you.”

  “I had to.”

  “And the clothes, no mirrors, dyeing my hair, all so I would never know what I really looked like, in case I remembered.”

  “Tracy—”

  Tracy stopped and folded her arms across her chest. “Tracy. How many times did you almost slip and call me by my real name?”

  “I didn’t, I—”

  “I mean after all, Tracy was dead, because I killed her.” Tracy shook her head in disgust. “You fucking bastard. Because I was so in love with you and had to have you at any and all costs. What was it again? Split her face open with a rock?”

  Phillip smashed his hands over his ears. “Stop it.”

  Tracy pulled at his arms. “And in order to keep me out of jail, you dumped the body and helped me escape. To keep me safe. And just now, telling me that the FBI was coming to get me? The CIA?” She stopped and laughed. “God, you’re so much better than I ever gave you credit for.”

  “You don’t understand—”

  “What were you giving me? What were you pumping me full of everyday to make me forget who I was?”

  “All I ever gave you were vitamins, I swear.”

  Tracy slapped him and he recoiled. She shook her finger in his face. “Don’t you lie to me anymore. I know about the birth control pills and I want to know what else you were giving me.”

  Phillip looked at Tracy, his eyes wide. “Tracy, please. Please, don’t do this.”

  “What else Phillip?”

  He crumbled. “It’s a drug
called Propoanol. It causes memory loss.”

  Tracy narrowed her eyes at Phillip, struggling to comprehend what he was telling her. “What else have you done to me?” she whispered.

  “I loved you. I loved you more than any man could ever love you.”

  “Oh, that’s a good one. Lying to me, controlling me—”

  “It was better that way. That’s how it should have been all along.”

  Tracy clicked her tongue and rubbed her eyes. “Oh, God.”

  Phillip dropped his face in his hands, wild sobs shaking his body. “I just wanted you to love me again.” He wiped a hand across his runny nose. “And you did. You… you worshiped me,” he said, his voice tinged with hysteria.

  “Paula Pierce—” Tracy stopped and shook her head wryly. “Even changed your last name,” she shook her head. “Paula Pierce worshipped you. Tracy Ellis is disgusted by you and is leaving.”

  Tracy turned to walk out the door when Phillip lunged for her, locking himself around her waist. “Please, please don’t leave me. I can’t live without you. I need you.”

  Tracy gave him a bitter laugh. “There’s the Phillip I know and remember.”

  “I won’t let you go Tracy. I can’t.”

  Tracy wrenched around, trying to unscrew his hands from her body. “Let go. I’m leaving and you can’t stop me this time.”

  “No,” he said as he grabbed her arm.

  “Dammit Phillip, let me go, stop it,” Tracy panted as she fought to get away from him. She was surprised at how strong he was.

  Phillip reached around behind him and pulled out the gun.

  Tracy stopped struggling as she came face to face with the gaping hole of the pistol.

  “I meant what I said. I’ll kill you before I let you walk away from me.”

  Tracy licked her lips and stared at her captor. “You were really ready to splatter my brains all over the highway, weren’t you?”

  He nodded. “Yes,” he whispered. “I would. If I can’t live without you, why should you get to live?”

  Tracy took a deep breath. “You have to catch me first,” she whispered as she kneed him and ran for the door.

  EIGHTY-SIX

  She ran straight for the highway. Maybe she could flag someone down, get them to take her to the police. The bottoms of her sensible flats were slick and she skidded across the gravel in the parking lot, landing on her butt. She scrambled up and, limping, started to run again. It had been so long since she had run that, at first, it hurt. Her lungs were greedy for air and she clutched the painful stitch in her side. The hem of the housedress she had on slowed her down some, so she gathered it in her fingers and lifted it until it was bunched around her thighs. She pumped her other arm rapidly and soon, her body began to cooperate, remember, that they had done this everyday for years, that this routine wasn’t so strange.

  She flipped her head back to see Phillip staggering after her, the gun clamped in his hand. She looked straight ahead and tried to find the entrance ramp to the freeway, but it was too far. She saw what looked like a forest in front of her and darted into it. Her mother made her do Girl Scouts when she was a kid and she had aced the survival portion. Tracy laughed out loud. It felt so good to have memories again, memories that she could make sense of, that she could identify. She couldn’t see Phillip anymore and wasn’t sure what had happened to him.

  The twigs and grass crunched beneath the soles of her feet and she could hear water. She crouched down as she inched toward it. She ran toward the water, and realized it must be the Mississippi. Her fingers trembling, she yanked the housedress over her head. She grimaced as she looked down at the industrial strength bra and panties Phillip made her wear. Nothing at all like the pretty, flimsy things she used to parade around in. She flung the shoes off and was about to step into the water when she heard Phillip’s voice.

  “Tracy! Tracy, please, I had no choice. You’d hit your head on that stupid table in the hallway and you wouldn’t wake up. I thought you were dead and no one would believe it was an accident.”

  Tracy stopped, listening to him. She could hear him sobbing, trying to catch his breath.

  “I was just going to wait for you to wake up to make you understand that I didn’t mean to hurt you. Then you woke up and asked me who you were and where you were.”

  He started laughing and crying all at the same time. “And in that one moment, I saw a chance, a chance for us to start over. I thought if I nursed you back to health and showed you how much I loved you and how much you meant to me, you wouldn’t leave.”

  “So I carried you out to my car. I left you with Keegan. And then I killed you.”

  By now she’d hidden behind a tree, alert and listening for the sounds of his feet snapping against the twigs and brush along the ground. She swallowed, waiting for him to finish the story.

  “And I fooled all of them. Every single last one of them.” He chuckled. “It was lucky, really, the way it all worked out. I had decided to come home. My car was parked in back of the hotel, so the surveillance camera never saw me leave, which was good when the cops checked my alibi. They saw me come in from dinner and leave for the convention hall the next morning.” He laughed. “God. Who knew that would work out to my advantage? Sunday night, I called Cicely in a panic saying that I hadn’t heard from you and was calling the police. I drove back to Chicago and played the part of the frantic husband searching for his missing wife. Cooperated with the police in the investigation, was cleared from any suspicion right away since so many people saw me at the convention.” Phillip laughed again. “No one ever suspected I had you tucked away in Berwyn of all places. And then… Carol.”

  Tracy blinked and scrunched up her face, remembering something Sondra had said at the house. “Carol?” she mouthed to herself.

  “God, she looked just like you. You could have been twins. She used to come into the pharmacy all the time. It was funny though. I wasn’t attracted to her. And then you came in that day and I fell in love right then and there. And then I remembered. You were the same height, same skin tone, weight… I knew I had to do it just right so they would think it was you. I forced her to get in the car with me. We drove to Belmont Harbor. I made her put on your clothes—even your underwear—your wedding ring and then, I… got rid of her face.”

  Tracy choked back silent tears as she waited for him to say what she already knew to be the horrible truth.

  “I smashed her face in with a rock. Just enough so it looked like it could be you, but not so much they would have to do any DNA or anything. I tossed your wallet near the body—took out all the cash, but left the license in there. We had a big blizzard that night. She wasn’t found until Friday. They called me to make the ID. And I did.”

  Tracy was suffocating on her tears as it sunk in what he was saying to her. He had killed another woman to cover up that he had kidnapped her.

  “Don’t you understand that I had to? I couldn’t have them looking for a body for God knew how many years. I had to be with you so we could start our new life. I had to let everyone think you were dead. Don’t you understand now what I would do for you?” He stopped talking and Tracy strained to hear him. His voice still sounded far away. She blinked her eyes and searched for his silhouette in the darkness.

  Tracy looked to her left and saw she was just steps from the river. There had to be a park or campground nearby. It had been ages since she’d been swimming but she thought she could probably make it. Taking a deep breath, she crept toward the water, silent moans of terror and disbelief racing through her body.

  Suddenly Phillip let out a tortured howl. “God!” He carried on with his one-sided conversation. “You wouldn’t even take my last name.”

  She looked behind her as she remembered that conversation. She had told him how much it meant to her to keep her name since there weren’t any brothers on her father’s side of the family.

  “Well, what about my name?” Phillip screamed, enraged, as if he too was thinking back on tha
t conversation. “You were my wife. You cared more about everyone else than you ever cared about me!”

  Tracy stopped, keeping her ear cocked for him.

  “Oh, God, Tracy… ” Phillip said, his voice suddenly soft. “That day you came walking into the pharmacy, those little high heels you had on, that pink shirt and that perfume that smelled like roses. You were just… you were so beautiful. Never in a million years did I think I had a chance with a woman like you. But I thought, why not, take a chance, even though I never take any chances. I couldn’t believe it when you said you would go out with me. And then when you kept going out with me… I kept waiting for you to leave me. Every day, I lived in fear that you would leave me and it just… it made me crazy.”

  Tracy sniffed. “If only you had trusted me,” she whispered to herself. “We would have had a chance.”

  “You didn’t leave me any choice. You started being so secretive and I knew, I knew I was losing you.”

  Tracy dipped her toe in the rushing waters of the river in front of her. “Now or never, girl,” she muttered as she filled her lungs with a huge swallow of air and jumped in. It was like diving into a huge tub of ice. There was only darkness underwater and she finally had to come up for a few breaths. She poked her head through the surface and looked around. She wasn’t sure what direction she was going in, but she began to breaststroke, her arms and legs moving in perfect smooth unison, slicing through like a propeller in the water. That had been her best event. She turned her head to the side for a spare breath and saw Phillip running alongside the bank, waving the gun at her. He must have heard the splash. She stopped and ducked beneath the bobbing waves and began to butterfly underwater so he couldn’t see her. She had gone several feet when she thrashed her arms above her head in an effort to make it to the top. Heaving, she smashed her head into the air, gulping, gasping for oxygen. She looked around and didn’t see Phillip. She rubbed her eyes and circled around, searching for him.

  “Keep going,” she said as she submerged herself once again beneath the water. She continued to swim with as much force as she could find, pushing herself to go as far as she could. Finally, neither her lungs nor her limbs would carry her any farther. She would have to chance getting out. She waded to the shore where she collapsed on her back among the rocks and twigs. She placed her hand over her forehead, violent coughs shaking her insides. She shivered in her wet underwear, but her entire body was on fire from the physical torture she’d just put herself through. She opened her eyes and saw Phillip standing over her.