Love, Marriage, and Other Disasters

by Shilpa Suraj

  The words, long unspoken, came tumbling out now that she was finally telling someone about it. “He decided I was to blame for everything in his life. The love of his life leaving him, getting fired from his job, putting on weight. Everything was my fault.”

  “He drained my bank account, alienated my friends, insulted my family and that somehow still wasn’t enough for me to leave.”

  The shame in her voice almost brought him to his knees.

  “The first time he slapped me, it was because there was too much salt in the dinner I’d spent hours cooking. It was hard enough to send me flying into the wall at my back. He calmly sat back down at the dining table and finished his dinner while I stayed crouched on the floor in shock.”

  “You don’t have to do this.” His voice rough, he reached out to hold her, but she stepped back. She didn’t want anyone to touch her. Never again. She’d been a fool to think it could be otherwise. That she could be otherwise.

  “Please stop, Alisha.”

  She continued like she hadn’t heard him. “Still I stayed. The slaps turned into punches and kicking and then the knife incident. I was an educated, modern woman with a supportive family and still I stayed.”

  “Why?” Vivaan couldn’t hold the question in any longer.

  “Do you know what it does to a person to be told day in and day out that they’re useless? Ugly, useless, fit-for-nothing….The words merge into each other until nothing is left in you. No confidence, no strength and certainly no fight. You start to question every thought, every decision. You start to question your very existence. Initially, I didn’t have the heart to tell my parents that the guy they’d chosen was a monster and as time went by, I didn’t have the courage. I was 23 years old and my life as I knew it was over.”

  “When did you finally leave?”

  A tremor racked her entire body as her mind took her back to that night. “He came home drunk one night and decided that even if I was a complete and total turn-off, I was worth one night. One fuck was how he put it.”

  Vivaan’s insides turned to ice. Please God let this not be what he thought it was.

  “I snapped. I don’t know why that out of everything else he’d done to me broke me. I managed to get away from him and lock myself into the bedroom. I stayed up all night with his cricket bat as a weapon. I wish I’d had the chance to use it.”

  Vivaan wished she had too. Better still, he wished he got a shot at that bastard.

  “When I opened the door the next morning, he was passed out in the drawing room. I left and never went back.”

  The sound of a car door slamming jolted her out of the past. Looking around, Alisha realized that the parking area had almost emptied out while they’d been talking. They were alone in the almost vacant lot.

  Shame and embarrassment coursed through her as she realized she’d just opened up to him like she never had with anyone else.

  Her parents had never asked her for details beyond the bare minimum and she’d never volunteered. They’d supported her unconditionally. A fact she never took for granted. A fact that governed all her decisions till date.

  “The divorce took forever to come through. He’d turn up in court and beg for another chance. Tell the judge he loved me and wanted to make our marriage work. I refused to say anything other than no. I was so desperate for my freedom back that I would have done anything for it. Even being labeled the bitch who walked out on a good man. I didn’t care what anyone thought. My parents stood by me and that was enough. For me, that was enough. Finally, one day he decided to stop fighting the divorce.”

  “Why? What changed his mind?”

  “He met someone new and he wanted to be rid of the embarrassing wife he was still stuck with. I couldn’t have been more grateful though I wondered if I should have warned the new girl of what he was like. It’s a question that’s haunted me ever since. He left town soon after and I’ve never heard anything of or from him after that.” Her breath rushed out of her on a soft sigh. The relief as intense today as it had been the day the divorce came through.

  “So that’s me in a nutshell. 33, divorced and a virgin.”

  “Alisha.” The calm, steady tone of his voice made her want to curl up in his arms and howl but she held herself together through sheer will.

  “That’s not even the worst part.”

  Oh God. What now? Vivaan didn’t even want to imagine what she was going to say next.

  “I think I might be frigid,” Alisha whispered. “You know that feeling people talk about? The one where you see someone and feel this squirming in the pit of your stomach? Attraction or lust or whatever you want to call it. I don’t know whether it’s all the years of him telling me I’m cold, a turn-off and what not but I’ve never felt it until…” Her voice trailed off as she swallowed the rest of what she was going to say. After a second’s pause, she finished, “And that’s why like I told my uncle in there, nice is good enough.”

  “Bullshit.” The molten fury in his voice took her completely by surprise. That was the last reaction she’d been expecting. Pity, compassion, a little disgust maybe but not anger.

  She was still blinking in surprise when he came closer and cupped her cheek gently.

  “You said you’d never felt it until…” His voice dropped to a whisper. “Until what, Alisha?”

  Alisha closed her eyes, the tenderness in his eyes destroying her. “Until you,” she whispered back.

  Framing her face with his palms, he tilted her face to his.

  “May I?” he asked, the words a bare thread of sound.

  She nodded, her heart too full for her to speak.

  He kissed her with all the suppressed passion and desire he felt for her. The tumult of emotion spilt over into an embrace that shook the foundations of his world.

  His lips gentled and moved over hers with an aching tenderness that had a single tear escape her eye and trail down a cheek. Alisha moaned helplessly as he released her lips to capture the errant droplet of moisture. Nuzzling her cheek softly, he feathered tiny kisses all the way back to her mouth. Seconds slipped by, punctuated only by sighs and moans until someone cleared their throat behind them.

  Jumping away from him like she’d been scalded, Alisha made way for the old man standing and glaring at them. Muttering under his breath about immoral youngsters, the man disappeared towards the last few cars still parked in the otherwise deserted parking lot.

  Alisha was still trying to catch her breath when Vivaan hauled her up against him again.

  “Did you feel that?” he asked, roughly.

  She nodded, dazedly. She wasn’t capable of pretending otherwise in that moment.

  Lowering his head till he spoke directly into her ear, he whispered, “That is why nice will never be good enough for you. You don’t deserve good enough. You deserve the world.”

  ---***---

  “Alisha…wake up.”

  Her mother’s voice had her groaning and burrowing deeper under her comforter. Hyderabad winters were nothing to be sneezed at and today was an exceptionally cold morning.

  It didn’t help that Alisha had spent all night with her mind going round and round in circles. Between the drama at work, the drama at the hospital and the drama of the kiss….oh lord that kiss, she hadn’t got a wink of sleep.

  Never felt the squiggle. She snorted at her own nonsense. Her whole body was squiggling now.

  “Alisha.”

  Her mother yanked back the comforter drawing a howl of protest from her. “It’s freezing, Ma.”

  “Then don’t sleep in shorts,” her mother shot back. Sitting down at the foot of the bed, she caught hold of one cold foot before her daughter could escape her.

  “I don’t think the alliance between Arav and Pooja will go forward now.”

  “Really, Ma? I would never have guessed,” Alisha said in mock amazement.

  The wry grin on her daughter’s face had her stifling her own smile before broaching the topic she really wanted to.
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  “Maasi is going to have a talk with Pooja today.”

  Flopping back against the pillows, Alisha stared up at the ceiling. “I don’t want to talk about it.” She really didn’t.

  “She owes you an apology. I’m sorry she hurt your feelings,” her mother said, gently. “She’s so immature and irresponsible. It really is for the best that she isn’t getting married now.”

  “Hmmm.”

  The noncommittal murmur had her mother squeezing her foot a little harder. “I don’t think this will have any impact on Arjun and you though.”

  Arjun and her. Worry shot through her as Alisha realized her family was already thinking of Arjun and her as a couple.

  “Ma,” she started cautiously. “I really don’t think…”

  When her voice trailed off, her mother asked, “Think what Alisha?”

  “I’m not sure if Arjun and I are a good idea.”

  “Why?”

  The bald question had her pausing. She really didn’t have a reason why she didn’t want to marry Arjun. There was nothing wrong with him. Well, other than the fact that he wasn’t Vivaan.

  “What if I told you I was interested in someone else?”

  Her mother froze. “You are? Why haven’t you said anything before?” Excitement glittered in her eyes as she leaned forward. “Who is he? Someone I know?”

  “Yes.” Alisha tried to still the butterflies in her stomach.

  “Did you finally feel that squiggle you’re always talking about?” Her mother actually clapped her hands together. “I’m so happy for you.”

  Alisha laughed. Only her mother would get so excited over her daughter admitting to lust and a newly awoken libido. Her mother laughed too, her delight in Alisha’s news heartwarming.

  “Who is it?” She pinched the foot she still held captive in a bid to get her daughter to spill the beans sooner.

  “Ouch.” Alisha was still giggling at her mother’s reaction.

  “Who. Is. It?” This time each word was accompanied by a tiny pinch.

  “Okay. Okay.” Sitting up straighter, Alisha said, “Vivaan.”

  The laughter that had filled the room minutes earlier died a sudden death.

  “Who?” her mother whispered.

  “Vivaan.” Alisha tried to ignore the yawning hole that had opened up in her stomach. She’d anticipated this reaction. She’d known this was coming. And still it hurt. Oh God, it hurt.

  “Alisha, no! Oh my God, no! Please tell me you haven’t done anything.”

  She wondered what her mother defined as anything. Did two kisses count? She ruthlessly squashed the hurt that streamed through her at her mother’s reaction.

  She pulled her foot out her mother’s now slack hand and stood. “He likes me too. What’s the harm?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” her mother snapped.

  “Why is it ridiculous, Ma?” She knew. God help her, she knew but she still wanted to hear her mother say the words. “Why is it acceptable for me to be paired with Arjun but not Vivaan?”

  “Because you both-“ Her mother stopped speaking, one hand over her mouth. Tears glistened in her eyes as she looked at her daughter. Her strong, brave, damaged daughter.

  “I’m so sorry,” she whispered finally. “We did this to you. We arranged your first marriage and it went disastrously wrong but that doesn’t change the facts, Alisha.”

  Wrapping a shawl around herself in a futile attempt to ward off the chill that crept through her entire body, Alisha stared out of the window as she asked, “And the facts are?”

  For a moment she thought her mother wouldn’t answer. For a moment she thought they would continue to ignore the elephant in the room. The one in the pink polka dot skirt doing the bharatnatyam.

  “The facts are that you can make a match with Arjun because he has a past just like yours. You both have something to be overcome and overlooked.”

  Her mother’s voice shook but she continued, “You think Vivaan’s family will accept you? He’s younger than you, has everything going for him and-“

  “And no black stains marring his past,” Alisha finished for her. “Are only marriages considered having a past? What if Vivaan had like fifteen girlfriends or a live in relationship?”

  “Enough Alisha, please.” Her mother sounded more exhausted than Alisha felt. “I wish, I truly wish you could get everything you want in life but please don’t want something that isn’t possible. Don’t want something that is only doomed to hurt and disappointment. Society will never accept this relationship.”

  “Does that really matter?” Alisha turned from the window and faced her.

  “No, in the larger scheme of things it doesn’t but, Alisha? Dealing with the backlash from society makes life very hard. Relationships are a lot of work when you have everything going for you. When you don’t?” Her mother sighed.

  “Vivaan’s family has big plans for him and none of them include him being married to an older divorcee. Even if they do agree, this will be a repeat of Rama’s mother. They’ll be doing it for their son’s happiness. Do you want to live your life being grateful for their acceptance? Isn’t that what you said you would never accept or settle for?”

  The words jabbed at her like shards of ice. When she finally found her voice, she struggled to sound casual. “I wasn’t talking about marrying him, Ma.”

  “But you can marry Arjun.” Her mother sounded close to tears. “Please Alisha, you have a chance at a life again.”

  “I have a life.” The words whipped out of her startling her mother with their ferocity. “A life I’ve worked very hard to build.”

  “Your father and I have never asked you for anything. Even when you came home and said you were leaving Sushanth, we never asked you for anything. Not for an explanation or for a reconciliation. I’m asking you now. Please give Arjun a chance. There will come a time when your father and I aren’t there anymore. I don’t want you to be alone, Alisha. I don’t want you to be lonely.”

  “There’s nothing more lonely than a bad marriage.”

  Despair filled her mother’s eyes. “Fine. Do what you want, Alisha. You always have.”

  On that note, she walked out. Alisha watched the door shut behind her with a decisive click. It sounded the death knell on her budding hopes like nothing else had. Because while her mother thought Alisha would do whatever she wanted, Alisha knew she would never let her parents down like that. They’d backed her decision unconditionally when she’d needed them to. Now it was time for her to back theirs.

  ---***---

  Chapter 18

  Sixty-four unread messages. Putting her phone on vibrate, Alisha buckled down to clearing out her inbox. It was Friday and she wasn’t leaving for the weekend until she’d attended to all her pending work.

  There was also the fact that she didn’t want to go back home anytime soon. Her mother wasn’t talking to her. Her father just wandered around confused by the strange vibes in the house. Her aunt had a perpetually apologetic expression when she saw Alisha and Pooja just glared. Glared at her. Glared at the rest of the family. Alisha even caught her glaring at a blank wall when she was leaving that morning. All in all, sixty four unread emails were a godsend.

  She was evaluating a request for a television interview with their new CEO when a large hand appeared between her face and the laptop screen. A hand that size could only belong to King Kong. Irritated at the interruption, she was about to snap when she realized he was holding her phone out to her.

  “What the hell are you doing?”

  “Your phone has been buzzing nonstop for the last fifteen minutes. Either pick up or put it on silent instead of vibrate. The noise is irritating.”

  He was right. Looking at the display, she saw fourteen missed calls from her father. Her heart stopped. Her uncle had been doing alright when she last checked in at home. He couldn’t have taken bad suddenly, could he? And if not him, then what?

  “Family problems?” King Kong asked, helpfully.


  “My uncle is in the hospital,” she answered, distractedly, even as she dialed her father’s number with shaky fingers. “He had a heart attack and …” She trailed off as the call went to voice mail.

  “Shit.” Trying her mother and getting a continuously busy tone, she panicked. She tried both her aunt and Pooja but neither picked up. Fear had turned into full blown panic by this point.

  “I can drive you to the hospital,” he offered.

  “I need to speak with my manager.” God knows what he would think if she kept taking half a day off like this at frequent intervals.

  “Alisha.” King Kong’s gravelly baritone cut through her chaotic thoughts. “It’s past six in the evening. You don’t need to speak to anyone if you want to leave.”

  “What?” Alisha looked down at her watch and realized he was right. She’d worked right through the day without realizing it. Her stomach growled on cue reminding her she hadn’t eaten anything since morning.

  “Shit.” Completely flustered now, Alisha checked her phone display again to find a slew of messages. Dismissing all the ones from friends, she looked for any from family and finally found one from her father buried under the rest.

  Payal has gone into labour. Same hospital as Uncle Kamal. Come straight there after work.

  Vivaan’s sister had gone into labour. Alisha’s hand shook with relief. It wasn’t bad news. Thank God.

  She collapsed back into her seat with King Kong still watching her curiously.

  “Are you okay?” he asked. “You look like shit.”

  “Gee thanks. I’m so flattered.”

  For some reason his comment struck her as hysterically funny. Tears of laughter streamed down her cheeks as she tried to say something else but couldn’t manage it.

  King Kong backed up a few steps obviously wondering if she’d lost her mind. Alisha struggled to get a grip and finally managed it.