Felix was in awe, or had he died and gone to heaven? He couldn’t quite decide.
When he got home, he heard bouncing bed springs, pig-like grunts and squeals coming from the bedroom.
He peered through the crack in the door (which had been left ajar) and saw his younger self’s peachier bottom thrusting around on top of who he assumed was a brazen floozy - as Mrs Mangel would say - even though it was a year or so before she even existed.
It was a feeling so surreal he couldn’t quite put his finger on it and wasn’t sure he wanted to. It was like reliving his youth, but in an out of the body experience.
Ejaculations were simultaneously reached or so he gathered when the grunts and squeals withered into exhausted gasps and sighs.
Felix Senior, as we’ll call him, had since retired to the polished wooden casing TV set and was flicking through teletext reading the latest news.
With no Wi-Fi or internet how else was he to know that they had just begun work on building the Channel Tunnel linking England to France; or what President Ronald Reagan was up to?
Suddenly Holly Wood walked into the room half naked and squealed again, quickly making a rapid exit.
Felix Sr. heard Felix Jr. apologising for not telling her his ‘Dad’ was visiting.
But Felix Sr. was having a sudden realisation of his own. It wasn’t a brazen floozy, it was Holly! Well…
He had forgotten1987 was at the height of their romance. Not long before he blew it by copping off with Cherry.
And he had the chance to change all of that with his ‘fatherly’ advice.
Could he? Should he?
“Holly did have great tits,” Felix smiled.
He definitely thought he rather liked being back in 1987, after all.
Chapter 19. (Cocktails & Dildos)
Back in present day Holly and Cherry were cementing their blossoming sisterhood by having a spa day over at Holly’s house.
They were doing all the things girls love to do together: sipping cocktails in glasses the size of goldfish bowls, painting each other’s toenails in a rainbow of colours and having creamy facials; though not the kind they were usually accustomed to.
Suddenly Holly had a brainwave. This did happen occasionally, much like an eclipse.
“Why don’t we bleach our anuses?” she proposed.
Cherry went into Holly’s bedroom to get the special anal whitening lotion and was distracted by quite the masterpiece on her mantelpiece. A 9 inch dildo!
Bringing it out back into the lounger with her, she gasped in amazement: “Oh my God! What’s this?”
The bubbles in the cocktail were going to her head and Holly burst out laughing.
Cherry almost we t herself, particularly when Holly admitted she’d had a plaster cast made of Felix’s cock and his ashes concealed in the ‘ornament’ as she described it, so she could feel close to him.
Cherry didn’t know whether to laugh or cry! So she did both!
“There’s something I should probably tell you,” Cherry said.
“You’re really a man?” Holly asked, her left eyebrow dancing the snake.
Cherry slapped her.
“I’m being serious, you evil cow.”
Holly tried to wipe the wicked grin off her face and got a handful of cracking perfumed mud.
It was hard to be serious with matching mud masks on, but she gave it her best shot.
“I followed Rhino the other day, after the funeral,” Cherry revealed.
“He met that cheap harlot from that crap band.”
Holly looked on inquisitively.
Cherry could have basically been describing just about any pop star from the 80s!
“Jade Astley,” she pronounced.
Holly had another sip of her cocktail and burped.
“No accounting for taste,” she sighed.
But Cherry wasn’t taking it quite so lightly.
“They were hiding behind a tree and whispering.”
“Someone call the police!” Holly declared.
“Holly!” Cherry yelled.
Holly pushed Cherry and they started laughing again and rolled around on the floor.
Later that evening when Holly had passed out after having her 9th goldfish bowl, Cherry tucked her into bed, before sneaking out of the house.
She hailed a taxi to Rhino’s place.
It was 9 o’clock at night, the lights were off and it didn’t look like anybody was at home.
Cherry rang the doorbell just to make sure, before checking under the azalea pot plant in the porch and found a spare key.
She snuck inside to eerie dark silence – it was an old house and quite spooky - then thought she heard a noise in the basement.
She unlatched the basement door - couldn’t find a light switch so used the torch app on her smartphone – and climbed down the stairs slowly.
“Is anyone there?” she shouted.
When she reached the bottom of the stairs she was shocked by what she saw.
A real live sex dungeon.
Leather gimp masks, hand cuffs, chains and dildo’s that made Holly’s precious Felix memorial seem positively miniscule in comparison.
Then she saw a cage in a dark corner.
As she approached it with great trepidation, she realised someone was actually inside it.
It was Rhino Zagreb! The real Rhino Zagreb! The Rhino Zagreb with spellbound amnesia!
Of course Cherry knew none of this.
He looked scruffy and had grown a sudden beard, but it all happened so quickly she didn’t really have time to think about it.
She let him out of the cage and they turned to make their getaway.
However stood right in front of them was the very fake, very beardless Rhino Zagreb.
And he didn’t look happy.
Chapter 20. (Paradox)
Felix found himself in a bit of a quandary.
Here he was back in 1987 - literally weeks before he made the biggest mistake of his life – and with the chance to directly influence and change it.
But he knew that would create a paradox.
The problem was he didn’t quite know what a paradox was.
Where was Google when you needed it?
So he went to the local library and found an encyclopaedia instead.
The general consensus he took from it was of contradiction. He could change things for the better, but could actually inadvertently make things worse.
If he did something to change time, it could create a fault in a timeline that he may then not later exist in.
This scared him more than the little dead boy tapping at his friends’ window in Salem’s Lot in 1979.
So in a few weeks’ time his younger self would ruin his life by getting drunk and cheating on his fiancé.
Felix Sr. thought through the possible scenarios.
Option 1: he does nothing, Felix Jr. sleeps with Cherry, Holly dumps him, chaos ensues and the band breaks up as normal.
Option 2: he tells Felix Jr. the truth about who he really is, Felix Jr. thinks he’s crazy and has him taken away by men in white coats.
Option 3: he accidentally locks Felix Jr. in a cupboard until after the date of elicitation passes.
Option 3 might work. But after what he read in the encyclopaedia, he was still wary about changing the timeline of history.
Change one thing and it could change everything.
So let’s say Felix Jr. doesn’t sleep with Cherry. He and Holly get married for a few years, but Holly becomes a bored housewife and sleeps with the milkman.
Felix Jr. then murders the milkman and spends the rest of his life in jail.
Or worse still, he escapes from jail, goes on the run, hides out in a cave and is eaten by bats or a grizzly bear.
Perhaps Option 1 is for the best, after all.
Felix Sr. was watching some more dodgy 80s TV in the apartment alone, when Holly Wood arrived home, without Felix Jr.
They had been out to dinner but sh
e was in a lousy mood and looked like she had been crying, so Felix Sr. figured love’s young dream must have had an argument.
“What’s up?” he asked, attempting to comfort her.
“Felix’s dick,” she blurted out.
“Probably up some 2-bit hooker’s c…”
Felix Sr. came from behind - put his hand over her mouth to stop the profanity - turned her around and gave her a hug.
They had been accosted by fans at the restaurant. Buxom bosomed fans. And they were all over Felix like a wet t shirt, so Holly had walked out.
Felix Sr. thought about telling Holly it as it is:
“Men simply aren’t made to be monogamous. Women equate sex with love. Men really don’t. Love is love. Sex is sex. A man could sleep with a thousand buxom bosomed fans, but it doesn’t mean he loves you any less.”
He’d been there, done that and bought the wet t shirt.
And he still loved Holly!
“If only women weren’t so jealous and possessive,” he thought.
Holly was crying now and her mascara was running, so Felix told her it as it isn’t, instead:
“Felix would never risk the very special love and connection you share for twenty minutes of pure filth and lust with a dirty slapper.”
Which is probably exactly what Felix Jr. was doing right now!
Felix Sr. wiped a tear from Holly’s cheek and she stared into his azure blue eyes.
The next thing he knew they were snogging, and fell onto the couch together.
The timeline twitched and that hungry bear in the cave? It grew a little hungrier.
Chapter 21. (True Evil)
Fake Rhino was agitated.
He was both nervy and tense.
He had a sex dungeon full of prisoners in his basement - now consisting of 2 - and he didn’t know what to do with them.
Spellbound amnesiac real Rhino wasn’t necessarily a problem, but Cherry was a bit of a wild, loose cannon.
The spell to wipe her mind hadn’t worked so he’d had to bound and gag her.
And he was panicking and fast running out of ideas.
What’s a male witch to do?
Consult his favourite super bitch that’s what!
“The spell mustn’t work on everyone,” Jade Astley advised, blasé. “Perhaps you should just kill her?”
Fake Rhino was horrified at the mere suggestion.
True he’d deliberately set out to sabotage Tequila Sun’s comeback.
He was Pink Champagne’s number 1 fan and the president of their fan club.
But he was starting to question where his loyalties truly lied.
Cherry was his friend.
Jade was the bride of Satan’s hellfire!
And she still hadn’t fulfilled her end of the bargain.
Before Hawky Andrews had brought Jade back from the dead in the fiery lava pit, before he had agreed to the cloning spell and morphed into Rhino’s doppelganger, he had been promised one thing: a threesome with Mick Nelson and Rita Barker.
What he didn’t know was that this wasn’t even possible.
Mick Nelson was dead.
He’d been out jogging in Hampstead Heath when all of his clothes suddenly fell off.
After taking cover - hiding in some bushes with a gentleman friend, Mikael Giorgio - he accidentally tripped over.
Whilst on all fours – with Mikael stood happily giving him a golden shower from the front – they disturbed a hive in the tree and a fertile swarm of bees decided to instead nest in his vacant derriere instead.
The autopsy said he had been internally stung up to a thousand times. Ouch!
But they managed to keep it out of the papers, because well… Pink Champagne couldn’t headline a holiday camp these days.
So what was the demonic succubus Jade Astley really playing at?
False promises lead to broken alliances and Hawky Andrews/fake Rhino was quickly reaching the end of his tether.
Which leads us back to the problem in current hand.
What to do with real Rhino and Cherry?
Cherry had been relaying her life story to real Rhino.
About how she been born with both body parts, felt like she was a girl inside but brought up as a boy.
How she sometimes felt like women were from Venus, men were from Mars… and like she was from Neptune.
Her life hadn’t been easy.
She was pushing 50 and had never been kissed. Fucked a few hundred times, but never kissed.
Real Rhino had no idea who he was - never mind her - so had no vested interest whatsoever, but he shed a tear anyway.
Or had she just accidentally spat in his eye?
She couldn’t be sure.
Suddenly his trance-like stare was redirected elsewhere.
They were no longer alone.
Jade and fake Rhino had arrived to finish them both off.
They opened the cage door and fake Rhino grabbed real Rhino.
“Your name is Bob Smith. You live on a small farm in Merthyr Tydfil in Wales. Go home,” he compelled, hypnotically.
Real Rhino shot off quicker than Mikael Giorgio when he saw the bees (or was it Mick) coming.
Jade grabbed Cherry by the scuff of the neck and lifted her off the basement floor.
As Cherry coughed and spluttered - struggling to breath - fake Rhino grabbed a humongous dildo and hit Jade over the head with it.
They were both flabbergasted at what happened next.
Jade’s unconscious body slowly morphed into that of the plumper, less svelte Rita Barker.
Butter actually wouldn’t melt in Jade’s mouth.
Rita was the real big bad.
And she was also a shape shifter!
Chapter 22. (Bum Tattoo)
The morning after the night before and Felix Sr. was packing his bags to leave.
He was hoping to be gone before Felix Jr. woke up.
He couldn’t face him.
Not after what happened.
He’d fucked Holly! Oh my God! He’d actually fucked Holly!
He’d cheated on himself by sleeping with his own girlfriend!
It sounded super nuts. But he didn’t feel any less guilty for it.
He’d also probably altered his timeline and was now not only going to be homeless, but stuck in 1987 forever.
What had he done?
Why had he done it?
Holly had left about 20 seconds after he came over her tits.
It was his speciality by all accounts.
But probably just as well.
Who knows what might have happened if his ‘from the future self’ had impregnated his ‘from the past girlfriend’?
It would probably have created Armageddon or something!
Felix Jr. stirred and Felix Sr. realised he was busted.
“Dad? What are you doing?” he asked, entering the kitchen with his pants on both inside out and back to front.
He opened the fridge and took a swill of milk from a very 1980s looking glass milk bottle, most of which missed his mouth and poured down his bare chest.
Felix Sr. couldn’t help but berate his ‘from the past self’.
“You look a right state,” he declared. “What happened last night?”
Felix Jr. was so hung-over he didn’t notice Felix Sr. had ingeniously changed the subject.
“I don’t remember,” Felix Jr. replied, puzzled.
He’d forgotten he was mobbed by a pack of buxom bosomed fans and been so self-consumed that Holly had ditched him in total femme-fury.
Had a fan orgy taken place afterwards?
Did it even matter now?
Felix had had so many orgies over the years, they had all but blurred into one.
There was this one time at least fifteen creatures had snorted cocaine off his cock.
I say creatures as it was a mixture of woman, man, those yet to decide… and he wasn’t sure if it was the drugs or not… but he swore there was a pet Llama involved too.
&n
bsp; So a regular few girl gang bang was certainly not going to register on his memory wank-bank, some twenty something years later.
But that was beside the point.
It was Felix Sr. that had committed the ultimate sin, himself. And he was sure he would be punished for it.
He turned on the radio and Star Trekkin’ was playing.
Karma had already begun.
Felix Jr. went to take a shower and there was a knock at the door.
Felix Sr. panicked thinking it might be Holly.
He wasn’t sure if he could face her either.
But it wasn’t Holly. It was 1987 Cherry.
“Hi, I don’t believe we have met?” she enquired. “Or have we?”
Felix Sr. freaked out for a moment.
“No we haven’t. I’m Felix’s Dad,” he finally replied.
Cherry eyed him up suspiciously as she entered the apartment with beady eyes.
“Felix is in the shower,” Felix Sr. said. “He won’t be long. Help yourself to a cup of tea.”
As she did, Felix Sr. went to get changed, leaving the door slightly ajar.
She followed him and watched him change his underwear through the crack in the door, noticing a tattoo of Felix the Cat on his bum.
She licked her lips, then returned to the kitchen to put some sugar in her tea.
Felix Jr. - as shameless as ever – exited the shower and entered the kitchen, clutching his crown jewels in just one hand and brushing his teeth with the other.
“Cherry, this is a surprise,” he gurgled, startled.
He returned to the bathroom and as he did Cherry noticed the exact same tattoo on his slightly peachier arse.
Chapter 23. (Abracadabra)
The game was up.
Fake Rhino had to come clean about everything.
Particularly now being Only Rhino, having sent the other one off to live as Bob Smith in Merthyr Tydfil, Wales.
“Why did you save me?” asked Cherry, rather liking the idea of having a knight in shining armour and omitting the fact he had also been the one that had imprisoned her in the first place!
Oh those small details we forget during a life and death crisis!
Pop Tarts: Omnibus Edition Page 6
