Rhino admitted he was originally out for pink revenge but had grown to like Tequila Sun and being part of the band.
He hadn’t realised Jade was really Rita the rat, and quite literally so, as the shape shifting bitch had morphed into one and then escaped.
The pair had come to telly Holly the truth.
And Holly was flabbergasted.
She and Holly agreed that Rhino was welcome to stay in the band - which was probably just as well - as the likeness spell had now become permanent and Hawky Andrews was stuck in the guise and really didn’t fancy going back to being a poodle hairdresser in sun-drenched Sheffield.
The only problem now was how they were going to get Felix back from the 80s!
Rhino assured the girls he was going to work on a spell to ensure this would happen, but he was secretly just a little bit concerned.
His magic powers had already been depleted after all the trickery he had been up to in recent weeks and now he was sure those remaining had in fact been stolen.
His fairy wand wasn’t working, no matter how many times he said waved it saying “Abracadabra.”
He hoped to find a way around it, but nothing the girls needed to concern themselves with right now.
Rita the rat had scuttled off into the gutter where she belonged and Tequila Sun were back together again.
They decided to have a glass of champagne to celebrate - not pink of course – when Rhino suddenly noticed a record in Holly’s retro Blaupunkt radiogram drinks cabinet.
“Holly, where did you get this?” he asked in excitement. “Is this the record from Felix’s apartment on the day of the explosion?”
“I guess so,” Holly replied, a little confused, but then again it didn’t take much.
“Oh my God!” he exclaimed in delight. “This is it! This is the way to get Felix back!”
Both Holly and Cherry were puzzled.
“It’s the record I used in the spell to send him back to 1987!” he exclaimed.
Evidently this was the key to extracting Felix from the delicious decade he had been sent back to.
All Rhino needed now was to somehow find out what had happened to his magic.
“Make sure you take good care of this. I’ll need it to reverse the spell to get Felix back,” he said, before heading off to locate the Queen of the Witch Coven to see if she could help.
Cherry went home to get some rest. She’d endured quite a tough time. It wasn’t every weekend you were held captive in a sex dungeon!
Just every other, then.
Holly peered from behind the curtain and watched as her band mates hugged on the pavement outside, before each going their separate ways.
She got the precious record and abruptly snapped it in half, before dropping it on the floor and stamping on it a few times in her stiletto heels.
Then she proceed to the bedroom to get the plaster cast dildo containing Felix’s ashes, just in case they needed that too.
She drove for what seemed like miles - until she came to a beachy cliff top - got out of the car and walked right up to the edge.
She watched as the waves crashed violently into the rocks below her, then kissed the dildo goodbye and threw it off the cliff top edge, as far as her strength and energy could muster.
Chapter 24. (Full Circle)
Back in the 80s, a few weeks had passed and Felix Sr. was now living on his own in a very basic bed and breakfast in West Wittering, Chichester; about one hour south of London.
He’d left later that same morning, telling Felix Jr. some random excuse or other.
Felix Jr. had been a little perplexed by his supposed father’s sudden departure, but had bigger fish to fry, such as making up with his fiancé, the illustrious, very jealous and ultra-possessive Holly Wood.
Felix Sr. had devised that if he kept away, time would play out as required, his timeline would go untouched and he’d somehow make his way back to present time.
He hoped within at least 3 years so he didn’t have to endure the terrible 1990s again.
It was surely the decade that music taste and style truly forgot.
There was virtually no Kylie or A-ha.
And he wasn’t sure he could bear the delights of happy hardcore, Britpoo or The Vice Girls a second time around.
Even the alternative of ceasing to exist seemed more enticing a proposition.
And that was basically his biggest fear!
He’d read up on time travel and become convinced now more than ever that if he changed the timeline of his life, he would cease to exist!
Anyway, it was a sunny day and Felix Sr. went to spend the day at the beach to try to forget about the whole thing.
It was also the day that Felix Jr. was meant to fall out with Holly again and drunkenly sleep with Cherry - and despite temptation to the quandary - Felix Sr. had decided to let history take its natural course.
Felix Jr. and Holly had made up a couple of weeks ago, but things hadn’t really been the same between them.
Felix sensed something was still wrong.
“What’s up, Holly?” he asked as they sat in a posh restaurant in cosmopolitan Soho.
Holly was playing with ‘a little tree’ on the end of her fork. She still called them that. She didn’t answer and nervously fiddled on, so Felix asked again: “Holly?”
“I fucked your father!” she suddenly blurted out, unable to keep her dirty little secret any longer.
Felix threw his glass of wine in her face and stormed out!
He went to the nearest pub and got drunk.
Then he bumped into Cherry, who was also a bit worse for wear, having just had a run in with her mother at her own father’s funeral.
They had a few more drinks together before stumbling back to Felix’s apartment, kissing each other hard and deep; and tearing each other’s clothes off.
“Let me rim, you,” Cherry said in her drunken stupor, as she spun Felix around and peeled off his skin tight denim.
She saw the Felix the Cat tattoo again. She’d forgotten about that.
“You have the same tattoo as your Dad!” she declared aloud.
“What are you talking about?” Felix asked through pants and gasps as Cherry put her cat-rough tongue to work. “My Dad doesn’t have any tattoos.”
Cherry took her tongue out Felix’s anus and wiped her lips.
She was confused.
Felix was confused as well.
He pulled his pants up and darted out of the apartment, hailed a taxi and headed straight to Chichester. He wasn’t sure why but he felt inexplicably drawn to his ‘father’.
But in doing so, the timeline had changed.
Holly came home to find Cherry not fucking Felix up the arse with a strap on microphone and subsequently set off a chain of events unbeknown to the history of their own mankind.
When Felix got to the B&B his ‘father’ was staying at, he was told he would find him at West Wittering beach, so off he went.
But when he got there all he found was a pile of Felix Sr.’s clothes, crumpled in a pile by the shoreline.
Felix Sr. had seemingly vanished into thin air.
Then he noticed something floating around in the shore and went over to pick it up.
It was the plaster cast of a penis, looking much like the dildo Holly had thrown out to sea in present day time.
Felix dropped it and it hit a rock and shattered into a thousand tiny pieces.
He stood deep in confusion, as the ashes contained within it were slowly washed out to sea…
Chapter 25. (Resurrection)
Rhino and Cherry were perplexed to say the least.
They had as good as accepted that Felix was gone for good.
Rhino’s magic was gone.
He’d spoken to the coven and they had refused to help. They claimed it was because of his trickery and treachery; but Rhino was sure it had more to do with the Queen Witch’s poodle Truffles’ dog suicide.
Truffles had walked into the path of a
double decker bus following his lack of a good recent hairstyle, after Rhino’s recent job switcheroo.
No body was found of course.
But Cherry had always had a sixth sense and could feel something wasn’t quite right.
They were both most concerned, particularly with Holly Wood.
Holly claimed she had been burgled and that both the time-travel-enabling record and her Felix’s-ashes-concealed dildo memorial had been stolen.
So there was literally no chance of getting him back from 1987 now.
Little did they know he had already vanished from then too…?
The timeline had changed and he appeared to have ceased to exist in present day time.
This was getting just a little too complicated.
But for now they had to deal with Holly first.
She was acting out of character and still in denial about Felix’s ‘death’ - for want of a better word - or so they thought anyway.
They decided to confront her.
However as they arrived at her house, they saw her leaving.
She got in her car in a trance-like state and so they decided to follow her.
“I hope she hasn’t been drinking,” Cherry worried.
She drove to the cemetery.
“What is she doing here?” Rhino wondered out loud.
They allowed her to get so far ahead, then trailed her, unnoticed.
“She’s obviously here to visit Felix’s grave.” Cherry said matter-of-factly.
But she was wrong.
They watched from behind a tree as she walked straight past Felix’s resting spot, barely stifling a cheap glance.
They looked at each other puzzled.
Holly walked a little further until she came to another couple of graves, side by side.
It was the resting spot for Mick Nelson and Jade Astley!
Then she started chanting and waving her arms around like she was making some kind of a summoning.
When that didn’t work she simply shouted out loud: “Truffles!”
Suddenly the Queen Witches bitch appeared and Holly picked her up with the strength of her left hand and held her at arm’s length.
She started chanting again.
Rhino and Cherry watched in awe, frozen to the spot behind the tree from which they hid.
“Accept my humble gratitude for your offering,” Holly bellowed in a commanding tone, that didn’t quite sound like Holly at all really.
“In death you give life,” she continued. “May you find wings to the kingdom.”
Suddenly she lifted her right hand and ripped out the heart of Truffles, dropping the dead bitch’s corpse to the floor from her other.
Rhino and Cherry looked at each other and gasped.
“No chance of a new poodle-do now,” Rhino thought.
Oh poo!
And he’d just been thinking of a fab new style too.
Holly clutched the dog’s still-beating heart and repeated: “In death you give life.”
She said this a few times actually.
I guess that’s magic for you.
As she continued to chant, her body frame vibrated and flickered.
Suddenly she transformed from sweet starlet Holly Wood into the evil ensconced Rita Barker!
“I knew it!” said Cherry, looking at Rhino, then back at Rita again.
It immediately dawned on Rhino as well.
Of course! Rita was a shape shifter! She must have transformed from the rat, momentarily into him - taken his magic powers as she did – before shifting into Holly.
And now after ruining any chance of ever getting Felix back, she was trying to resurrect Mick Nelson and Jade Astley.
They had to stop her.
They lurched towards her, but it was too late.
Zombie-like arms burst out from the soil and soon Mick and Jade’s rotting corpses were pulling themselves up and out of their graves.
Rita turned and saw Cherry and Rhino trying to sneak away.
“Kill them!” she commanded, and the zombies gave chase…
Chapter 26. (Hellfire)
Rhino and Cherry ran for their lives while the reanimated corpses of Mick Nelson and Jade Astley gave heated chase.
They split up and Mick followed Rhino, while Jade went after Cherry.
Cherry left the cemetery grounds and ran down an alleyway, but came to a dead end. She looked around desperately for a weapon of choice, but there wasn’t much of one.
She picked up a few stones and threw them at Jade, but it didn’t do much good.
Jade grabbed Cherry by the neck and started to strangle her.
Cherry coughed and spluttered.
She could hardly breathe.
Just as the life was slowly draining out of her, Holly suddenly appeared – the real Holly this time – and threw Cherry a lifeline, or rather a 9 inch stiletto.
Cherry hit Jade over the head with it and knocked her to the floor.
Before she could get back up, Holly took back the high-heeled shoe and pierced it through the brow of Jade’s forehead, severing her brain.
Cherry winced in horror as blood squirted everywhere.
“Thanks,” she said, wiping some off of her blouse in disgust. “This was Love Moschino.”
“You’re welcome,” Holly replied.
She’d escaped from Rita’s imprisonment and was hell-bent on a retribution of her own, that didn’t end with death by Jimmy Choo.
Meanwhile Rhino was still in the graveyard - crouching down - hiding behind a large headstone, while Zombie Mick stumbled around looking for him.
Holly and Cherry each appeared and ducked behind a headstone, each of their own.
They signalled to Rhino that they had a plan.
One by one each got up and summoned Mick in their direction.
Mick got dizzy with direction and soon stumbled to the ground.
Holly continued her warpath and hopped over to kick him in the nether regions with her remaining shoe, just to make sure she got full value for money.
Those shoes had cost her £700!
However Mick grabbed her ankle and went to take a juicy bite out of it!
Rhino had read about how Mick died the first time around and was quick thinking.
He grabbed Cherry’s handbag, opened it and took her vibrator out and turned it on.
It buzzed like a bumble bee and Mick was soon terrified.
He let go of Holly’s ankle in panicked fraught, got up and made a run for it.
He ran out of the cemetery, onto a motorway and straight into oncoming traffic.
Boooof!!!
He was hit by a car and dead again within seconds.
Though just to make sure Cherry took the vibrator back off Rhino and slammed it into what remained of his brain.
They each breathed a huge sigh of relief.
They couldn’t believe what had just happened.
“Couldn’t make this shit up,” Rhino declared.
Cherry and Holly nodded in agreement.
But the drama wasn’t over yet…
The turned around and there stood right in front of them was pure evil personified.
The big! The bad!
The shape shifting super-witch bitch!
And the daughter of Satan, herself!
Rita Barker!
And she was fucking furious!
Chapter 27. (A Woman Scorned)
So Rita Barker was not a happy shape shifting super-witch bitch.
She’d spent half a day resurrecting dumb and dumber; had to learn some mumbo jumbo spell chants and broken a nail ripping the heart out of Truffles in the process.
And not only had they failed her, but our sexy Tequila Sun heroines had defeated and all but destroyed them, and Rita’s plans for world domination along with it.
There goes her dream of winning the Eurovision Song Contest!
Her only chance now was to go a Voice panelled with gay judges and announce she was singing with her cock out.
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br /> Or The X Factor. And hope for – at best – to come 2nd or 3rd and release next year’s Mother’s Day CD of done-to-death cover versions.
She cringed a little and shuddered at the thought.
Tequila Sun had ruined everything.
And now they must pay.
She chanted some more mumbo jumbo, executing a spell in which she was able to penetrate their heads; well there wasn’t much else in there.
She also was able to enter and take advantage of their worst fears to procure the ultimate revenge.
Holly always wanted to be a star.
So Rita turned her into one: as a burning ball of atomic fire in the starry night sky.
Holly twinkled and looked so pretty.
Rita regretted letting her off so lightly.
So she accelerated time by several billion years, setting off a titanic explosion – resulting in a supernova – and depleted the hydrogen, burning her out in a mere puff of smoke.
“Time to up the ante,” she thought.
Next up was Cherry Fontaine.
Or was it Chesney Foster.
Rita couldn’t decide.
So Rita decided to make her both.
Suddenly they were in a circus on stage and Rita was the magician.
Cherry was lying in a box.
She took out a saw and sawed Cherry right in half, right through the middle.
Cherry screamed and blood squirted everywhere.
Now there was only Rhino Zagreb to deal with.
And Rhino had disappointed Rita most.
He’d worshipped in the church of Pink Champagne and defected to the other side.
Of this, there was no greater sin.
Rita knew of his penchant for sex dungeons.
So she chained him up in one.
And slowly lowered him down anally - legs akimbo and lubed up – onto the biggest dildo the world has ever seen.
He was totally ripped apart, more so even than Cherry had been.
Still there was a part of Rita that wondered if Rhino had secretly enjoyed it.
And she couldn’t have that.
So she reversed the spells.
And suddenly Holly, Cherry and Rhino were all alive again, still stood right in front of her.
Pop Tarts: Omnibus Edition Page 7
