How to Marry an Alien

by Magan Vernon

  Once I got to my room door, I thought about knocking and hoped that Lucy and Riley weren't doing the thing that Ace and I definitely weren't doing. But I didn't hear anything, so slowly I unlocked the door and opened it as quietly as I could.

  I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw Lucy curled up in bed, alone, only snuggling with her comforter. I went to my dresser, quickly wrapping my hair into a bun and tossing my books into my messenger back before darted out the door and to my classes.

  I practically ran to the communications building with just enough time to spare to grab a bag of chips for breakfast from the vending machine. I followed another sleepy-looking kid in the classroom where Professor Johnson smiled at me all-too-brightly. Ugh, I did not want to be the teacher's pet.

  I found the same spot I had sat in the last two days and plopped down, putting the chip bag up to my mouth and scarfing the remaining chips in the bag. I didn't have to appear to be a lady in front of the class. Not like I cared what they thought of me. I was still in the clothes they saw me in yesterday, so they either thought I was just unclean or knew I probably didn't go home the night before. I didn't have time to change and it was too dang hot to throw on a hoodie over what I was wearing.

  "Alright, class." Professor Johnson clapped her hands together. She was in prime form with her swingy boho-style dress and red hair pulled into a tight braid. She actually looked like a college professor instead of someone from another planet.

  "Since some of you will be doing your first speeches on Friday, I thought today we could work on your speech outlines. I would like you all to get into groups of three and give input on each other's work. Afterward you will all have some time to work on your own assignments.

  Crap. I reached into my messenger bag, pulling out my communication folder. The day before, Professor Johnson gave us a fill-in-the-blank outline that we were supposed to work off to prepare for our first speech. Not only was mine still blank, but I was also one of the students who got the brunt of having Friday as my speech day.

  Double crap.

  Slowly, I picked my bag up and walked to the last group of two students who pushed their desk into a small triangle. Since there were only twelve of us it wasn't that hard to remember who was who.

  "Hey, guys."

  I plopped my messenger bag down next to me and took my seat. An Indian boy with thick glasses and a bowl cut named Aapt sat to my left. On the other side was a girl with glossy black hair, cut short and spiky. I believed her name was Skye or something ethereal like that.

  They both nodded in my direction. I looked down at their desks. They had their speech titles written down and their outlines completely filled out. There dates also weren't until the following week.

  Triple crap. They had more time than me to prepare and they already had everything finished.

  "So, what are you guys doing for your informative speech?" I asked.

  Five to seven minutes to educate the class on a topic, and then you were critiqued by someone else in the class. Then, in turn, that person had to speak for another two minutes about their evaluation of you. Ugh, maybe if my roommate hadn't brought her girlfriend home or I wasn't so worried about trying to get in Ace's pants I could have actually done my homework.

  Aapt cleared his throat. "I plan on explaining how nuclear power works and how it has evolved since Hiroshima and Nagasaki."

  Awesome. Not only did he have a good topic, but he actually seemed to know what he was talking about. He even went as far as to spend his night in the library, looking through articles and finding interviews with people in different nuclear sectors.

  Skye had a voice that always sounded superior to everyone else's, but surprisingly she was still really nice. Her voice was just snotty. Her speech topic was even better than Aapt's: about the canon in high school literature and how it has defined what we read and how it is used today in pop culture. Why didn't I think of something cool like that? Oh yeah, because I was busy worrying about my roommate's girlfriend's former psychotic tendencies.

  "What about yours, Alex?" Aapt asked.

  "Uh…" I looked down at my blank sheet of paper. "I kind of don't have one yet."

  "Oh," Aapt and Skye said, practically in unison.

  "When is your speech?" Skye peered over at my paper.

  "Friday," I mumbled.

  "You should probably think of something quickly and start writing then," Skye remarked.

  "Yeah, of course, I can totally get this out. I didn't just accidently get into this honors program or anything." I let out a nervous laugh, scrambling through my bag for a mechanical pencil.

  Aapt and Skye read through their outlines, giving each other tips on how to expand their topics while I could barely think of anything to say. Not only did I have to come up with a topic, write an outline, and prepare a speech, but I still had all the Riley stuff to think about. How the heck was I supposed to have an assignment that was twenty-five percent of my grade done in two days?

  ***

  After biology, I forced myself to sit in the library and use one of its computers to follow the live chat for my online class. Maybe that would give me some inspiration for my speech. No such luck. Instead I headed back to my dorm, starving, and eager to just take a shower instead of working on any sort of homework.

  "And she's back!" Lucy sat on her bed in the lotus position and held her arms in the air while I walked into the bedroom.

  "Yeah, sorry, I ended up staying at Ace's last night." I shrugged my bag off on my desk chair and kicked my flip-flops off near my bed.

  "No need to report to me. I figured that was what happened after me and Riley interrupted you all," Lucy replied.

  I grabbed my robe and shower basket from the closet, tossing them on the bed. "Just letting you know."

  "Sorry about bringing Riley over. I didn't know I'd be a boom-boom blocker."

  I choked on my own spit, trying to container my laughter. "Did you just say boom-boom blocker?"

  Lucy's smile spread across her face. "Yeah, you know, stopping you and Ace from doing the boom-boom? Maybe we should have some sort of code like putting a sock on the door, so the other one doesn't walk in and boom-boom block."

  "Uh, yeah, sure that will work." Did she think Ace and I would be having a lot of sex? Or maybe that was what she and Riley did.

  "But anyway." Lucy stepped off the bed, grabbing her knit purse from the floor. "I need to get to class. I may go over to Riley's or we may come here afterward. Put a sock on the door if you don't want me to come in."

  "Alright," I said, waving to her before she stepped out the door. I knew full well that I wouldn't be making use of the sock that night, especially when I really needed a shower and a speech topic.

  ***

  I wanted to see Ace. I could have seen him. There was no reason he couldn't just beam into my room and hang out, but I didn't want him to. When I was in high school, he would sometimes come over at night while I did homework, but that wasn't fun for either of us. Usually he would sit on my bed while my cat hissed at him, or just distract me from what I was supposed to be doing. It was still a wonder to me how I managed to be valedictorian with a beautiful alien distraction lying on my bed every night.

  "Informational speech topic, I can do this." I sat at my desk, staring at the blank internet search browser. It couldn't be that hard to come up with something to inform people about, and then spew on about it for five to seven minutes.

  I typed in 'informational speech topics,' just to get an idea of something I could write about. Nothing looked interesting and some of the stuff I had no idea why anyone would want to write about, like the differences in human and animal feces. I'd been working for over an hour and I didn't even have a topic, let alone an outline.

  "Maybe a break for dinner will help," I said to no one in particular. I grabbed my lanyard with my key and student ID attached and headed to the dining hall. I'd been on campus less than a week and I knew there were a ton of different places to eat and ev
en a Starbucks, but I always ended up just getting the all-you-can eat meals from the dining hall. One could call it laziness, or I would call it waiting until the perfect moment to try something at the student union. Yeah, it was probably laziness, and fear that I would walk across campus and the restaurant would be closed for the summer. I also worried that I'd run into yet another alien that would recognize me as the future princess of Calta.

  I took a tray from the entrance and perused the different options. There was a large salad bar, ice cream station, pizza, and even a wok. I didn't think the mall back home even had as many options. I settled for an already made sandwich and a fountain drink, swiped my card, and looked around for an empty table. Maybe some people watching would help me think of a topic for my speech.

  "Hey, Alex, over here!"

  I didn't know anyone on campus, or so I thought. I turned to the sound of the voice and saw Riley smiling in a corner booth and waving her arms back and forth in the air. Ugh, the last person I wanted to see.

  I put on a fake smile and walked over to her table. "Hey, Riley."

  She put her hands down and picked up the fork next to her half-eaten salad. "Why don't you come join me? There is no reason to eat alone and Lucy shouldn't get too jealous."

  I winced. I just wanted to eat alone and come up with a topic for my paper. Not sit across from a girl who didn't remember me, but I sure did remember her. I couldn't forget the way she treated me, like I was no better than the gum on her shoe, and was disgusted with me and Ace's relationship.

  Part of me wondered if she knew she was a lesbian at Circe. Maybe that was why she hated other relationships that were so out of the norm. Maybe she was never accepted. It still didn't excuse her from pointing a gun to my head. Thank God Jen was there to save me.

  "I guess I can sit here for a little bit. I was just trying to think of a topic for my speech in com 101 on Friday." I took the seat across from her, sliding in across the booth.

  "Gosh it's been a long time since I took an intro to communications course. That was back when I was at Penn State. I don't know if Lucy told you, but I'm a Nittany Lion," she said, not even touching her salad, just holding her fork.

  I knew she went to Penn State. I also knew she was a crazy environmental scientist major that complained about cruelty to animals, but had a leather Coach handbag. Crazy hipster.

  "Really? That's cool." I nodded, trying to focus on my sandwich instead of Riley's overly cheerful demeanor. It was too surreal. She was definitely a different Riley without her memory, but that didn't mean I had to like her.

  "Yeah, I was going to go to grad school there, but for some reason I just had this draw to Northern Arizona. I don't know what it was." She shrugged and picked up a piece of lettuce with her fork, holding it in the air. "Call it fate I guess. Maybe some other higher being knew that I was supposed to come here and meet Lucy. I'd never dated a girl before her, but I guess I'm just a sucker for a girl in a good pair of Birkenstocks."

  Hmmm, maybe that was why she was so angry all the time. Being in the closet probably wasn't easy. No, I couldn't sympathize with Riley. She was the one that gave me crap for being a high school intern, and now she was dating someone only a year older than me.

  "And it doesn't bother you that she is so much younger?" I pressed. I had to. I couldn't help but push buttons.

  She shook her head. "No, why would it? Yeah, she is a few years younger, but when you have enough in common with someone age or gender or anything else really doesn't matter."

  That was not what she was saying a year ago. I think she actually shrieked 'ew' the first time she found out I was even interested in Ace.

  "Oh, I was just curious. My fiancé is only a few years older than me." More like a few decades, but she didn't need to know that. That part of her memory was erased.

  "I saw that giant rock on your finger. Congrats on the engagement. From the few seconds I met Ace before you two ran off, he seemed like a pretty cool guy."

  Where the hell was the Riley from last summer?

  "He is pretty great."

  "We should all totally go out and do something. I know classes and stuff are crazy this week, but if you all are free this weekend maybe we could hit up the bowling alley." She finally shoved the piece of lettuce she had been holding in her mouth.

  Last time I went to a bowling alley with Riley, her and Gavin, another intern, basically cornered me and told me what a bad guy Ace was. In turn, it ended up being their perception of him. It still left a bad taste in my mouth about bowling alleys. I couldn't even go to my high school's charity bowling event because I hated bowling alleys so much since that night.

  "Sure, we could definitely do something as a group."

  In her dreams…that hopefully wouldn't be getting sleep creeped by an evil Caltian and ruining this new, sort of likeable Riley.

  Chapter 15

  I stayed way later in the cafeteria talking to Riley about everything from life on campus to old Hollywood movies. It turned out that Riley wasn't actually the monster I thought she was. But since I stayed so late talking to her, by the time I got to my room all I did was crash into my bed instead of working on my assignment.

  I was actually running early when I headed to com and saw that there were a bunch of tables set up outside the communication's building. On closer inspection I realized that it was all posters that were stacked up on different displays. There was everything from musical groups to the classical paintings of Monet. I had some time to kill so I walked up to a table and flipped through a big stack of prints. I should have been working on my outline, but I could never resist a good poster.

  At the first glance of a nylon clad foot I knew it was the poster I wanted. I peeled the print out from the bottom of the pile and held up The Graduate movie poster to see it in all its glory. I was always a sucker for Dustin Hoffman and The Graduate was my favorite, even more than Tootsie or Rain Man. Finally, I found something to put on my wall to balance Lucy's tie-dyed tapestries.

  "You know, I think we might have some other older movie posters on this rack over here."

  I looked up to see a very tall man with a long white beard, wearing a trapper hat, complete with furry ear flaps.

  The only people I knew who wore winter items in the summer, especially in Arizona were aliens and oh crap…

  The man's smile grew at least twice its original size. "Say, you wouldn't happen to be the Bianchi girl, would you?"

  How the heck did every alien seem to know who I was? Did I have some giant statue erected of me at Circe or a premium spot in some alien tabloid?

  "Yeah, that would be me, Alex Bianchi." I forced a smile.

  "I thought I'd never see the day!" He clapped his big, furry hands together. "A real celebrity right here at my poster stand. Proji told me you'd be here, but I never believe her. She's always telling stories."

  I had no idea who Proji was, nor did I really care. I just wanted to get my poster and get the heck out of there.

  "Yeah, well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I really have to get to class. How much is the poster?" I reached into my messenger bag for my wallet.

  "Oh, no charge for you. I wouldn't dare charge a princess."

  I snapped my head up and looked from my left to my right, hoping no one had heard him. Was that really something he should be talking about in public?

  "Um, are you sure? Really I'm just a normal girl and I can pay for my own poster," I said, pulling out a ten-dollar bill.

  "Your money is no good here." He held his hands out in front of him, his palms facing out at me. "The higher ups would ring my neck if I charged you for anything."

  "Okay, then." I slipped the money back in my wallet and rolled up the poster. "Thank you very much, sir." I would have argued more, but I was late for class and really I couldn't refuse a free poster.

  "Oh, please, the pleasure is all mine." He slid his hands into the pocket of his large hoodie. How no one else found it weird that the guy was wearing full on winte
r clothes in the middle of the summer in the desert was beyond me.

  I waved and then ran into the building as fast as I could. I got into my seat just before the professor started class. Thank God.

  "Okay, before we get back to working on your outlines, I am going to pass around this sheet of paper." Professor Johnson held up a plain piece of notebook. "And I want all of you to write your name, your speech day, and what your speech will be about."

  Crap. I still didn't have my speech topic. Stupid Riley had foiled me again. Maybe her niceness was all just an act. I told her plenty of times that I had to get back to my homework, but she kept me down there in the dining hall. I knew it was too good to be true.

  I was the first one to get the sheet of paper. I couldn't leave it blank and everyone was waiting for me before we got into groups with two new people to discuss our outlines. I looked down at my rolled up poster and scribbled down the only thing I could think of before passing it to the next person and heading over to the new critique group I was working with.

  Dang these kids were smart. Mila, with her bright green eyes and wavy hair, was going to speak about the dangers of plastic toys for infants. Marcos, with his long brown hair and almond-colored eyes, was going to give a speech about Mexican drug wars. And me? The girl with the thick glasses and giant ring from her alien boyfriend, well she was going to be speaking about Dustin Hoffman's early movie career and how it shaped his future roles.

  ***

  Lucy wasn't home when I got there, and it was probably a good thing. I had one more day to cram together an outline and practice a speech before the next morning. I wasn't even going to eat dinner until I had the entire thing written out on note cards and ready to go for the next day.

  "Dustin Hoffman started his acting career in the 1960s…"

  Crap. We were supposed to use at least five sources, and I had one that was also not a very reliable internet source. Double crap.