Ever Faithful

by Carolyne Aarsen

  “Have you talked to your father about this?” Fred turned to Amy.

  “We’ve discussed it briefly.” Amy caught the noodle, but couldn’t put it in her mouth. She knew she wouldn’t be able to swallow it.

  “Where will you live if not at the ranch?” Elizabeth put in.

  Amy shot Tim another warning glance, but he didn’t, or wouldn’t, catch her eye. “My parents have been looking around for us,” he said. “In Vancouver.”

  “Well—” Fred nodded, a note of uncertainty in his voice “—I’m sure you’ll be very happy—wherever.”

  Amy swallowed, and Tim finally met her gaze. His smile was diffident, but Amy would not be assured. She looked away, directly into Paul’s questioning eyes.

  She held his gaze a moment as if to say, What’s your problem? then returned her attention to her soup.

  The rest of the lunch conversation stumbled along, desultory, strained. Amy said a silent prayer of thanks when Paul got up for the Bible and said the closing devotions after dessert.

  After the Amen, Amy jumped up to clear the dishes and food from the table. She knew Elizabeth and Fred always sat around the table for a while after devotions. This was their time to chat, to share and enjoy being together.

  But today Amy was weary of trying to smile and pretend. She wanted the meal to end. Shannon and Noreen helped. After a few moments Elizabeth joined them. Fred asked Rick a question about his work. Tim got up to get his coat. Paul lounged in his chair, staring at Amy.

  His steady gaze unsettled her, so she ignored him, gathering up the plates with the leftover cold cuts, cheese and buns.

  “That was a great lunch Elizabeth,” Tim said as he pushed his chair under the table. “Amy, if you want to visit your dad yet, we should go.”

  Amy didn’t reply and took the plates into the kitchen. Elizabeth caught her arm as she marched back toward the dining room for another load.

  “Just go on ahead, Amy,” she said kindly. Her blue eyes looked up with understanding. “You go and visit your dad. We’ll clean up here.”

  Amy stopped and suddenly reached over and gave Elizabeth a hug. “Thanks so much,” she murmured into her ear. “For having Mom here, and us.”

  She straightened, drawing in a quick breath. As she walked through the dining room, she bent down and gave Fred a quick kiss on his cheek. She waved goodbye to Rick and Shannon and couldn’t resist a quick glance at Paul. He still sat at the table, chair pushed back, tie loosened, cuffs rolled up, his unwavering gaze on her.

  As she looked, an expression of unspeakable longing came over his features. She paused, their gazes locked. Slowly, hesitantly, something deep within her unfolded at the entreaty in his eyes. An answering urge deep within her responded, pulling her near. When he got up, she realized she had unconsciously taken a step toward him.

  She took a steadying breath, her heart pounding.

  The pain and desire on Paul’s face told her more than any words he could have spoken. This was not the face of a man intent only on a conquest. This was the look of a man in love.

  But it couldn’t be returned.

  Amy avoided looking at Tim, who waited by the door. She couldn’t face him right now.

  Instead, she turned to her mother. There were many things she wanted to tell this familiar stranger, many questions she wanted to ask. But Tim hovered, and every moment she spent with her mother made her feel as if she had chosen against her father.

  “Will I see you again, Mom?” she asked. It was a difficult question to ask. But she had to ask, had to go through some semblance of the normal give-and-take of rebuilding relationships. For in spite of the past, her mother’s reappearance filled a void in her life.

  Noreen tilted her head to one side as she reached out to gently stroke Amy’s arm. “I’d like that.”

  Amy bit her lip and forged on. “Are you going to see Dad?”

  Noreen shook her head gently. “I can’t. Not yet. I didn’t even think I’d have this much time with you and Rick. I’ll see him sometime.”

  Amy nodded. “How long are you staying here?”

  “I have to get back to Vancouver tonight.” Noreen smiled, then touched her daughter’s cheek. “Thank you,” she said softly. “You don’t know how it felt to be able to hold you once again.”

  Tears pricked Amy’s eyes. A few quick blinks and they were gone. “I guess I should say goodbye,” Amy returned, regret tingeing her voice.

  “We’ll leave you two alone.” Fred regarded the other occupants of the room as he stood. Rick took the hint and left without a backward glance. Shannon threw a wink over her shoulder at Amy as she followed.

  Tim hesitated, and Amy looked at him, a silent plea in her glance. He turned and left.

  Paul stayed sitting until Tim closed the door, then got up. He stopped in front of Amy’s mother. “Glad to see you here, Noreen.” He turned to Amy. “And I’ll be seeing you around, Punky.” Without any warning he leaned down. His warm lips grazed her cheek. His hand stroked her shoulder. When he left, the sound of the door closing behind him pierced Amy’s heart.

  Elizabeth clucked in dismay. “Don’t you mind him. Paul can’t seem to make up his mind lately.”

  “That’s not new.” Amy took a shaky breath, trying to reassure herself as much as agree with Elizabeth. She rubbed her arms, then turned to Elizabeth. “Thanks again for lunch, Mom.”

  “You’re welcome,” Elizabeth said with a slight frown, tilting her head discreetly in Noreen’s direction. As Elizabeth turned to leave, Amy realized what she had done.

  Addressing Elizabeth as Mom came so naturally to Amy she often didn’t realize it until someone else pointed it out. But now, with her own mother in front of her, Amy heard it through Noreen’s ears and felt a sadness engulf her.

  Noreen bit her lip, looking away. “I really had no right to come back, did I?” she asked, pain obvious in her soft voice.

  Amy was unsure of what to say.

  “Well…” Noreen lifted her hands, and for a moment they hovered. She repressed a light sob, Amy stepped forward and was enclosed by her mother’s arms. “Oh, honey. None of this was supposed to happen. After I talked to you on the phone, I wanted so badly to get a look at you and Rick. Just a look, and I was going to leave.” Noreen murmured against Amy’s hair.

  Amy closed her eyes, trying not to think of ten lost years and her own sorrow. Instead, she thought of the pain so clearly etched on Noreen’s face, the loss she had suffered.

  A verse from II Corinthians came to mind. “You ought to forgive and comfort him so he will not be overcome by excessive sorrow.” Except in this case him became her. God’s forgiveness blanketed so many of her own sins, how could she withhold one iota of forgiveness from her mother, who carried her own burdens?

  Amy drew back, taking in her mother’s features, changed by time, yet so familiar. “I’m glad you came back, Mom.”

  A quiet descended as each took in the changes in the other, regret and questions hovering.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to see Dad?” Amy asked, wondering again how her father would react to the sight of his wayward wife.

  “I would like to…but I’m afraid.”

  “He’s been asking the congregation to pray for you the past few months,” Amy blurted out.

  Noreen shook her head, her look wistful. “That’s good.”

  The comment puzzled Amy and she wanted to ask more.

  “So Tim’s the one?” her mother said briskly, changing the subject. “He seems like a decent fellow.”

  Amy nodded. Listening to her mother sing his praises was difficult after what he had told her this morning.

  “He must be quite something if you’re willing to leave the ranch and live in a city.” Noreen smiled taking in Amy’s clothes. “He must have quite an influence on you. I never thought I’d see you give up your blue jeans for a dress. Nor your oath of undying love for Paul.”

  Noreen’s casual mention of Amy’s childhood promise brough
t a flush to her cheeks that seemed to deny her next words. “I’m a big girl now.”

  “He still calls you Punky.”

  “Paul’s been gone for a while himself. He’s forgotten that things change.”

  “I suppose,” Noreen replied, her voice wistful. “I know this is awkward, Amy. So much has happened. I’ve missed so much…” Noreen’s hand waved in the direction of Amy’s, clenched together, the engagement ring winking brightly. “But I really want to thank you for coming to the car earlier.” Her voice caught. “It meant so much to me.”

  Amy looked at her, trying to sort out her own feelings—sympathy, anger, fear, distrust. Her own memories—kisses, hugs…love.

  “I’ve got to go,” Amy said, aware that Tim waited outside. She hesitated, then reached out and hugged her mother once more. “When will I see you again?”

  Noreen stroked her cheek, her expression pensive. “Whenever you want.”

  Amy smiled, took a step back, then left the house. Her step faltered, however, when she saw Paul leaning against Tim’s car, his arms crossed over his chest. Paul looked up as she approached and stepped away from the car.

  Amy took a breath, willing her heart to stop its renegade beating at the sight of him. His light kiss still lay warm on her cheek. Would she have to go through this each time she saw him? If so, it was better that she and Tim move away.

  Paul frowned, and Tim stared straight ahead. Amy could tell from Tim’s strained expression that he and Paul had had a weighty discussion.

  “I’m sure we’ll talk again,” Paul said to Tim. Paul’s expression was enigmatic as he gave Amy a curt nod, totally at odds with his behavior only moments ago.

  Amy ignored him and got into the car.

  Tim reversed, put the gearshift in Drive and left. They drove in silence, the hum of the car’s engine and the pinging of rocks against the undercarriage the only noise in the car. His anger was palpable. His knuckles were white. His jaw clenched.

  “What’s the matter, Tim?”

  “Nothing.” His curt reply tempted Amy to just let things be and not delve deeper. But they were to be married in a couple of months and she didn’t want to start that lifelong, difficult trip with anything between them. They needed to talk, and not just about Noreen.

  “Something is wrong, Tim.” She reached over, touching his hand with its white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel.

  Tim clenched his jaw, then finally blurted out. “I wish you’d tell your old boyfriend to stay out of our business.”

  “He’s not my old boyfriend.”

  “That doesn’t seem to stop him from giving me advice.”

  Amy looked at him, puzzled. “Advice?”

  “Told me that Noreen is my future mother-in-law, then he told me I was rude to her.”

  “Well, you could have said something if only ‘pass the bread.”’

  “Don’t you start, Amy. I don’t know her from Adam. Then she shows up and suddenly she’s ‘Mom’ and we’re having a warm family meal with her.”

  Amy paused, choosing her words carefully. “As I recall, Jesus did the same thing—sinners and tax collectors and all that.”

  “That’s different.” Tim shook his head. “I’ve heard what she put you, your father and Rick through.” Tim glanced at her, his expression pained. “Your father’s health is poor. He’s in the hospital…”

  “That’s not her fault.”

  “You weren’t talking that way a few months ago. At that time you didn’t want to talk about your mother. Now she shows up and all is forgiven. She’s not even going to visit him.”

  She looked back at Tim, realizing there was more to her mother’s return that upset him. She heard his words but wanted to understand the unspoken meaning beneath them.

  “Why does my mother make you afraid, Tim?”

  He glanced at her, then hit the brakes, a cloud of dust and gravel roiling in their wake. He put the gearshift in Park and turned to her.

  “I’m afraid that if you can change your mind that quickly about your mother, you can change your mind just as quickly about me.” He caught her hands in his own, squeezing them. “I love you, Amy. I don’t want to lose you.”

  His clean-shaven cheeks were warm against her cool fingers, his dark eyes fixed on hers.

  “I love you, too, Tim.” She let him hold her hands awhile longer before pulling them back. She had hoped to talk about moving to Vancouver and instead ended up getting sidetracked into a conversation about her mother. But now, as she watched him, she felt taken aback at the intensity of his expression and his open insecurity. He’s unsure of himself, she thought, surprised. “I love you a lot.”

  “Really?” Tim laughed, a harsh sound. “Then why were you so entranced with Paul back there?”

  He saw, thought Amy, pierced with guilt. She could say nothing in her defense.

  “You say you love me, Amy, but I’m wondering how constant that love is. Your mother shows up, and all is forgiven. Paul comes back, and you can’t keep your eyes off him.”

  His words frightened as they burrowed and took root. Was he right? She wore his ring on her finger, yet a glance from Paul had the power to make her heart beat faster. She was on her way to visit her father, yet she’d just had dinner with the mother who had been unfaithful, a mother who hadn’t contacted any of them in ten years. Was she that fickle, that unfaithful?

  This is so hard, Lord, she prayed, looking away from Tim’s angry eyes. I love Tim, I do. I love my father. Is it wrong to want to see my mother again?

  “I can’t say anything else except to assure you that I love you.” And she did. She knew that. She tried to tamp down the confusion that coursed through her as she tried to explain her feelings toward her mother. It seemed that somehow the same accusations she had thrown at herself were also interwoven through Tim’s mind. “I’ve struggled most of my life with what my mother’s done to us. But I’ve also missed having her around.” She paused for the right words, knowing that Tim needed to understand if they were going to build a relationship of trust. “I want to have my own mother to share things with. I missed her.”

  Tim said nothing as he seemed to ponder her words. “I’m sorry, Amy,” he smiled apologetically. “You’re right. I haven’t been fair to you or your mother. Mark it down to pre-wedding jitters, I guess,” he said with a short laugh, putting the car into gear and pressing on the accelerator.

  Amy blew out a sigh as the tension that held them in its tight grip loosened.

  She glanced at Tim, trying to analyze her love. Just a moment ago she saw a side of him she hadn’t seen yet. Only this morning he had sprung the move to Vancouver on her. They needed to talk about the move, something she thought of as being far more important to clear up than her relationship with her mother.

  But now that peace reigned, she didn’t want to bring it up.

  As they drove, Tim relaxed, becoming the man she was going to marry, not the unforgiving, unsure stranger she had glimpsed a few moments ago. But she knew she wouldn’t forget the part of him he had just shown her.

  At the hospital they woke Judd from his nap. He was in good spirits and chatted about inconsequential things—the weather, the hay crop, their wedding plans.

  “One more day, the doctor figures, then I’ll be out of here,” he said, displaying more enthusiasm than he had in a while.

  “That’s great, Dad. The house is so empty without you.” Amy plumped his pillow and pulled a chair closer.

  “Just turn on the television,” Judd replied. “It will seem like I’m still there. How has your day been?” Judd asked.

  “Good.” The meaningless word couldn’t begin to cover what had happened, as Amy’s mind tripped over the events of the past few hours. Her awareness of Paul’s presence, Noreen’s sudden appearance, Tim’s anger. She knew she had to tell Judd about his wife, however. She looked at him and caught his hand, as if to help him. “Remember I told you the other day that Mom phoned? She came today.”

  J
udd sank back against his pillows as a soft smile slipped across his wan features. “When?”

  “She showed up after church this morning. We had lunch at Hendersons’.”

  Judd nodded, his eyes shut. “That’s good.”

  His words were spoken softly, fervently, and Amy felt taken aback at his casual acceptance of something that a few years earlier would have almost given him a stroke. He caught her hand, squeezing it as he turned his head to look at her. “Will you pray for me, Amy?” he added.

  “I always do.” She frowned, puzzled at his reactions. “Anything specific?”

  He nodded. “That Noreen will forgive me.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Amy dropped her father’s hand and sat back, trying to assimilate her father’s words with her own emotions toward her mother. “What do you mean, forgive you?” What was there to forgive? she wondered. It was her mother who had left, not the other way around.

  Judd looked away, folding his hands over his stomach, tapping his fingers in agitation against each other. “I don’t want to talk about it now,” he said, his voice taking on his usual gruff tone. He looked at Tim. “So how’s the banking business been?”

  “Busy,” Tim replied, leaning forward, relief tingeing his voice. Amy guessed he didn’t want to talk about Noreen, either. “There’s been a number of land deals lately that needed financing…” Tim shrugged. “The usual boring, banker-type stuff.”

  “How many you turn down?” Judd asked.

  Amy rolled her eyes as Tim neatly deflected his question. Her father was always trying to find out who was buying, who was selling and for how much. But Tim never got intimidated by her father’s bluntness and always managed to turn away Judd’s curiosity with a few carefully chosen words.

  “Land prices going up?” Judd continued, trying to find another angle.

  “Actually they are. It’s a seller’s market right now.”