by Louise Bay
“Shit,” I said as I answered.
“Are you okay?” Jake asked.
“Yeah, I hit my head. I’m fine,” I said, rubbing what was bound to become a lump overnight. It felt good to hear his voice.
“What on?” he asked.
“Cupboards. I’ve been cleaning.”
“You’re cleaning? What?” he asked.
“Kitchen cupboards,” I said, trying to sound if that was the most normal thing in the world to be doing so close to midnight.
There was a silence for just a moment longer than there should have been. I shouldn’t have said anything. I forgot that he saw me so clearly—he would know that I was anxious about his trip.
“I’m sorry I’m not there,” he said as the line crackled. Immediately I felt guilty. I shouldn’t have said anything; I didn’t want him to feel bad.
“Don’t be. You have to work, Jake, and you’ll be back soon.”
“Yeah, about that. I might have to extend my trip,” he said quietly. My heart sank. I missed him already. I wanted to pepper him with questions, to ask him why, try to find a solution so he could do what he needed to remotely and come back to me sooner not later.
“Oh,” was all I managed.
“I don’t know yet. I need to think,” he said.
Think? “Is everything okay?” I asked him.
“Sure. Of course,” he replied, and we fell quiet, sounds of the imminent storm growing around me. Something was bothering him. Jake was never silent if he thought I needed him, and he knew I did. “I just might need an extra week or so in the US. I might go and see my father. I’ve not seen him in a while and . . . you know.”
Last night Jake was all for canceling his trip because he didn’t want to be away from me and now he was extending it and going to see his father? It didn’t make sense . . . I could feel a distance unraveling between us that was wider than miles. Was he keeping something from me? Was he pulling back?
“I’m boarding, so I need to go,” he said before I got a chance to say anything in reply.
“Okay,” I said. “I’m going to miss you. You have my heart, so bring it back safely.”
I heard his breath at the other end of the line before he spoke. “You have mine. I’ve got to go.”
The phone went dead and I was left alone with nothing but the rumble of thunder in my head. However loud and dark they got, storms passed, they were temporary, weren’t they?
I was just thinking too much. Jake had always been honest with me and if there was something wrong, he would tell me, I trusted him. I just had to get through this next few days without him and then he would be back and everything would be okay. When we were together everything made sense.
Twenty-Nine
Jake
As I approached the luggage carousel, I switched on my cell. The flight from Palo Alto had landed late and I needed to tell Haven I’d been delayed. I’d started my trip thinking I needed space so I could work out what I was going to do about Millie’s pregnancy, but I’d changed my ticket to come back early. I’d missed Haven. I hated the thought of her sleeping alone. Her warm, soft, naked body, without me next to it, just wasn’t right. Now that I was back in the country, I couldn’t put off telling her about Millie. I’d justified not saying anything to her so far because it wasn’t the sort of news I wanted to deliver over the phone, especially when I didn’t have a clue how she was going to react. There was a real possibility Haven would use it as an opportunity to run, to push me away and do what she did best: protect herself. But I had to take the bull by the horns. What I really wanted to do was get naked with her, bury myself in her, come up for air a couple of hours later, eat Chinese food and make her laugh. All I wanted to do was make Haven happy and my news was sure to do anything but.
I still hadn’t decided how I felt about the situation. I was sure that Millie as a mother spelled disaster. But under my worry about Haven’s reaction, my concern over Millie’s inability to think about anyone but herself and the real possibility that the baby wasn’t mine, there were parts of me excited to be a father. I pushed my hands through my hair. There was too much to think about. One step at a time.
When Beth and I were young, my mother was always concerned about my father getting hurt on the job. Being a cop anywhere, but particularly in Chicago, wasn’t the safest of occupations. She was always trying to convince him to get a position in an office. But he loved it and didn’t see the danger; he’d focused on the opportunity to make our city better. My father always used to say that we had to deal with what was right in front of us and not worry about things that hadn’t happened yet—one step at a time. It had almost become a family motto. He’d never said it again after Mom was shot.
My cell buzzed in my hand.
“Hey. I just landed,” I said to my sister, Beth.
“I’ve had a call from Marissa.” Neither Beth nor I had a good relationship with my father’s second wife, so if she was calling, it wasn’t for a casual catch up.
“What’s going on?” The carousel started moving and I walked up to where the bags were coming out.
“Dad had a heart attack,” she said.
My feet stuck to the floor and I froze. “Fuck. When? Is he okay?”
“Apparently he’s stable and will be fine after a small operation—they’ve got to put a stent in, Marissa said. It happened yesterday. I’m going to fly out to Chicago.” She sounded too calm.
“Do you think that’s a good idea? Should I come with you? This has been a shitty week.” I could get a flight; I wouldn’t even have to leave the airport. Beth was stronger now but something like this could set her back, could trigger her drinking. And Dad? He was always such a force of nature. It didn’t seem possible that he was lying in a hospital bed.
“You’ve got enough to deal with here. I can let you know how things are and whether or not you should come. Besides, if we both go right away, it might be a bit overwhelming for him. From what Marissa said, he’s stable and as long as he has this operation, he should be fine.”
“Have you spoken to the doctor?” My stomach started to spin. I was standing among strangers. I needed information. I should be with Beth, with Dad, with Haven. “I don’t want you going back there on your own. It’s too—” What would this do to Beth?
“Listen, I’m a different person now. I’m two and a half years sober. Going back is long overdue. My exams are over. It feels like the right time. A lot has happened and there might be a chance to heal the rift between Dad and us. Let me go and test the waters. I mean, Marissa called. That’s got to be a good sign.”
When Dad married Marissa, it was as though we stopped being part of his family. It was as if he put a period after us and started a new chapter. Beth had found it harder than I had. She’d felt abandoned, adrift. Since she had joined me in London, we’d formed a unit, a family of two. Reaching out to our father could lead to reconciliation, but it could just as easily bring pain. It was my job to protect Beth from that. Or it had been. Now she was stronger, and perhaps she needed to prove to herself as well as me that she was independent.
The fuzzy gray lines between decisions were so draining, and now I was faced with more of them. I wanted the right thing to be written in neon and flashing over my head. There were too many ifs and buts—consequences and compromises whatever options I chose. I wanted to be in Chicago with my Dad and Beth. I wanted to be in London with Haven and Elemental Energy. I wanted Millie to take a DNA test without having to ask her and feel like an asshole. I wanted to reach out to Dad with the guarantee he would pull us into a bear hug and not let go until we screamed as he had when we were little. I wanted someone to tell me it was all going to be okay. One step at a time.
“Jake?”
“Yeah, sorry. I’m trying to take it all in.”
I spotted my suitcase on the carousel and tucked my phone under my chin while I hauled it off the conveyor belt.
“So you think you should go to Chicago on your own?” As much
as I might want to keep Beth safe, she was an adult and needed to make her own decisions. And she was right. She was a different person. She’d handled Romano coming back onto the scene, however briefly, well. She’d graduate this summer.
“I do.” She sounded resolute and it was comforting. At least one of us knew what the right thing to do was.
“You’ll find a meeting in Chicago?” I asked.
“Of course I will. Believe it or not, my sobriety is more important to me than it is to you. Stop fussing.”
“I could fly out with you—”
“I’m going to book my ticket for later today, and you have things to do here. You need to talk to Haven.”
I filled my lungs and headed toward the exit. “I hope . . .”
“She’ll understand. It’s not the kind of conversation you can have over the phone.”
“It was just shitty timing with me being in California this week, and now this thing with Dad. Can I speak to him?”
“Apparently he can’t have calls. You concentrate on Haven. I’ll call you from the airport and when I see him. Then, if I think you need to, you can fly over. Let me see how things are.”
She was making a lot of sense. I was so proud of her. A couple of years ago she would have been a mess if this had happened. Now she was all over it—practical, thoughtful and caring. All the things that she had always been, but had hidden for so long under the alcohol.
“If you’re sure . . .”
“I am. Say hi to Haven for me. Speak later. I love you.”
“Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?” I said as Haven opened the door to her apartment. Her hair tumbled across her shoulders. She looked at me totally unguarded, as if I might be about to make all her dreams come true. I loved this Haven. The one she hid away and only showed to a chosen few. I was glad she hadn’t disappeared while I was gone. I had been concerned that going away so soon after we were together, would make her withdraw from me.
“Hey,” she said, through a wide grin. “I’ve been waiting for you. Come in. Do you want a shower?”
My dick stirred at the mention of a shower with Haven in front of me, looking so Goddamn beautiful. “I’d love to, but I’ll just want to lose myself in you, and we should talk.”
“Oh,” she replied. “Do you want a coffee?”
“Let’s go out, grab some lunch.” Talking would be easier if I wasn’t kissing her, and not kissing her would be easier if we were in public.
“That sounds ominous for someone so focused on the physical.”
She was right. Talking was the last thing I wanted to do. “I want to share some stuff with you.”
“Let me get my bag.”
Reluctantly, I let her go. “Is there anywhere good near here?” I asked.
“For lunch? Sure. Are you sick?” she asked as she pulled the door closed behind us. “You look tired.”
I felt tired and I didn’t have the energy to keep everything to myself anymore. Now that I was with Haven, I wanted her to know what was going on. “I just found out that my dad had a heart attack.”
“Jesus, Jake.” She stopped dead outside her apartment. “Are you okay? Is he okay?”
I grabbed her hand and started walking. The sun was shining and the air crisp. I loved weather like this in London. It was good to be home, with Haven. I let my shoulders relax and the muscles in my neck unclenched. Telling her about my dad was reassuring somehow.
“He’s going to be fine, I think. Beth’s flying out tonight. I might follow her depending on how he is when she gets there. I’m worried about her going out there on her own. She had a few problems when she was last in Chicago. She’s not been back since.”
“What sort of problems?”
I squeezed her hand as we walked down the road. “I’ll tell you about them another time. She’s better now. I hope. Chicago wasn’t good for her.” I didn’t want to get into Romano and Beth’s alcoholism. It was too much to think about and I’d need to ask Beth before I started telling her story.
“Do you need to go with her?”
“Not today. After that, I don’t know. It’s complicated. When my mom passed, my father remarried quickly and . . . we grew apart.”
“I didn’t know your mother died. Jake, why didn’t you tell me?”
“She was shot by a guy who my dad put in jail. He came back for revenge and when my dad wasn’t there, my mother suffered the consequences.” It wasn’t a secret, but I didn’t have a reason to say the words very often. And although I wanted Haven to know, a familiar hurt welled inside me.
“Jesus, she was murdered?”
“It’s been nearly five years. Beth took it really hard. I was older and had made a life for myself here in London. I had my first business, Energy Trade, but Beth was a teenager and lost both her parents. Her whole world fell apart. I think Beth and I reminded Dad of Mom too much and he . . . he has a new family now.” I didn’t talk about this stuff. I had no reason to, but it was good to tell Haven. I wanted her to know everything about me.
“God, I’m so sorry, Jake.” Haven regarded me with glassy eyes. I put my arm around her and she snaked her hand up my back as we walked toward the restaurant. It was so good to be close to her again. I hoped my news about Millie wasn’t about to rip us apart. There had been enough revelations for one day. Perhaps I should wait to tell her? Let her absorb one thing at a time?
“Are you sure you shouldn’t go to Chicago?” she asked.
“Not today. I’m going to see what Beth says when she gets there and then I’ll decide what to do. It’s not as straightforward as it should be between my father and me. Anyway, he has to have an operation and then apparently he should be fine, but who knows what the real story is. Marissa has never been particularly open with us.”
“If there’s anything I can do . . .” she said.
I pressed my lips to the top of her head, taking in the comforting scent of her shampoo. “You being here is enough.”
“I’m always here. I had a word with myself while you were way. I was halfway toward meltdown when you left. But I decided I’m not running from you. I’m not going anywhere. And we’ll deal with whatever life throws at us together. Okay?” She stopped and gazed up at me. Smiling but solemn, she reached for my face and brushed her fingers against my cheek.
How had I gotten so lucky? I hoped she meant it. We were going to need her steely resolve over the next weeks and months. I had to tell her now. There wasn’t ever going to be a good time and she was always going to be a flight risk, no matter what she said. I took a deep breath. “Yes, but there’s something else as well.”
We’d reached the restaurant Haven had picked. “Do you want to go in?” she asked.
I nodded, and we headed inside the canal-side eatery. It was bright and sunny even indoors as the back of the place was all windows to take in the waterfront views. Once we were seated, Haven looked at me expectantly.
“The only reason I’ve not told you this before is because I wanted to tell you face-to-face. I’m not trying to keep anything from you,” I said, my teeth gritted at the prospect that she would see a betrayal in the fact I’d not told her as soon as I’d found out.
“Okay . . . This sounds serious. Talk to me.”
I wasn’t sure if my voice could be heard over the thundering of my heart.
“Jake?”
“Millie called me just after I left you on Tuesday.” Here we go.
“On your way to the airport?”
I nodded and closed my eyes.
“What did she want?” she asked.
“She told me she was pregnant. With my baby.”
Thirty
Haven
A million thoughts rushed to the front of my brain and fought for space. My eyes dropped to the menu I held in my hands and I tried to concentrate on what I should order. I needed to stay calm. I had to keep my crazy from crawling up my spine and taking over my mouth.
“Haven?” Jake asked.
“The sea
bass is good, I think,” I replied, keeping calm. Millie was pregnant. It was only a big deal if I let it be. I knew Jake wouldn’t cheat so I didn’t need to ask—I knew this must be from before they split.
Jake sighed, but I couldn’t bring myself to meet his eyes. “I don’t have many details. I’ve not spoken to her since. It doesn’t need to change anything between us,” he said.
Had she waited to tell him until it was too late to have a termination? And how had he let this happen? I didn’t look up from the menu as the questions started rolling through my head. “I thought you’d never . . . you know, without a condom.” Had that just been a line?
“I never fucked her without a condom. We never had one split or come off. I don’t know how this happened. I promise, Haven, I haven’t lied to you.”
I believed him. I had to. The alternative meant we were done and I knew I wasn’t ready to be done, not yet, not if it was up to me. “You think she’s lying?” I asked. It was a possibility that would probably be better for us as a couple. But for him? Did he want to be a father? Was he excited? Should I ask him? Was I being selfish seeing all this as an obstacle for us rather than an opportunity for him? Too many questions. I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, hoping for quiet in my head.
He shrugged. “Beth does. I don’t know.”
It stung a little that he’d told his sister before he’d told me. But if the shoe had been on the other foot, Luke or Ash would likely have been my first call. Keep calm. “Are you going to have a paternity test?”
The waiter arrived and took our order and my question hung in the air like a cliffhanger in a soap opera.
