Rainy Days

by Victoria Zagar

  “I sought you out? You were the one sucking my dick in the car like a cheap whore,” Michael said. “You say you’re looking for a life partner, but you still wanted casual sex. You’d still suck any dick that came your way. You’re nothing but a cheap porn star.” The words were out before he could stop them, his hurt and frustration boiling over.

  “Don’t.” Ash was shaking with rage. “Don’t even go there. I trusted you with my deepest secret because I love you. I’m an idiot for letting myself believe that we might have some kind of a future. I knew how this would all end when it started.” He looked like he might cry, and was biting his lip so hard it was starting to bleed.

  Go for the jugular. Land the killing blow. You have to murder this love affair or you’ll just keep coming back. Michael’s mind was racing as he struggled for the worst words he could find.

  “It wasn’t love. Just a thing we had. I don’t love you. The sex was great, but this has to end now. I was never going to leave Michelle for you.” Michael delivered the killing blow and stepped back, trying to control his shaking hands.

  Ash lunged at him, pinning him to the wall. Michael could feel his heat and closeness and wanted to give in. I want to kiss you more then anything, tell you that this is all a lie and that I love you so fucking much, but I can’t. I just can’t. Michael shoved him back, going for the door, opening it and darting away before Ash could recover.

  He raced to the elevator, ignoring Ash yell down the hallway that it wasn’t over as he fled. The elevator doors closed behind him and he stifled a sob, his throat feeling like it was going to choke him. He stumbled out of the elevator and his stomach rolled. He leaned on his car and threw up, his stomach emptying onto the cold concrete until he was dry heaving, then he took a deep breath and got into his car, driving away as fast as he could, his tires squealing on the concrete.

  Ash slumped down onto the sofa, stunned. I knew this was coming. I knew this was too good to last. Damn it Michael. It hurts, you son of a bitch. You ripped my heart out and stepped on it. Happy now? Don’t come running back here when playing house doesn’t work out for you.

  He put his head in his hands, running his good hand through his hair and letting out a long breath. He stood up and paced, walking out onto the balcony and lighting a cigarette. The memories threatened to invade his mind and he pushed away the thoughts of Michael lying next to him whispering sweet words. Anybody could have told me that falling in love with a married man was a disaster waiting to happen. Now I have to start all over again. I don’t want anybody else. I want him. I wish I’d never ran into him that day at the gas station. We’d both be happier.

  Ash let out a long stream of smoke and tossed his cigarette butt over the balcony into the rain. He could taste the blood in his mouth from his lip and savored the stinging pain, a tiny representation of the agony inside.

  I tell myself I have to go on but the truth is, I’ll be sitting here, watching sad movies and waiting for you to come back. I’m a pathetic human being. He slumped back down on the sofa, trying to forget Michael’s words as he put a movie on.

  Michael sat in the counselor’s office, checking his phone for the fiftieth time that morning. Three weeks had passed without any contact. What do I expect him to say? I’m the one who owes him an apology. I called him a cheap porn star. I crossed the line.

  Michelle told the counselor that Michael had been on edge and Michael lied that work was stressful. Soon she left and Michael waited for his single session. He lit a cigarette, not caring about the rules. You made me burn my life down. You can at least give me this. He made sure to stub it out on the oaken desk, leaving a small black burn. He tossed the stub in the trashcan, half hoping it would set the office on fire.

  The counselor walked in. If he smelled smoke, he made no reference to it, instead sitting down in his chair. “Did you complete your homework?”

  Did I rip out the heart of the man I love? “Yeah, I did.” He looked down at his lap.

  “You’ve done a good thing. You’ve shown you’re serious in your desire to rebuild your family. Eventually I want you to come clean about your affair, but for now, we can concentrate on building a foundation.”

  “I can’t ever tell Michelle. She’ll never understand that I’m bisexual.”

  “Are you, though? You had a moment of weakness, of curiosity. Are you going to let that define your life, your very identity?”

  “Ash wasn’t the first man I was with,” Michael said. “Before I was married, there were others.” I’m not ashamed of that. I only wish I had met Ash back then. My whole life could have been different.

  “Well, we’ll work on controlling your homosexual desires as well. In this next week, I want you to think positively about women.”

  Michael left, reluctantly paying the bill while the receptionist gave him a dirty look. He took a leaflet and read the small print. Marriage counseling services provided by Faith in Medicine. He left out a derisive sound to himself. Figures. He had an agenda all along. I let him ruin everything that ever mattered to me because of it. He sighed. Still, the overall goal is the same. I still want to save my family. Don’t I? Michelle followed him out and they sat in the car.

  “How was your session?” Michelle asked.

  “Did you know they are owned by a religious organization? Faith In Medicine.” Does she know about Ash? Is that why she sent me here? To ‘cure’ me?

  “I had no idea,” Michelle said. “Does it really matter?”

  “No, I guess not,” Michael sighed, feeling a sense of relief wash over him. So it was just a coincidence.

  They drove home in silence, the babysitter handing Taryn over at the door and heading home. Taryn smiled and Michael hugged her tightly. I’m doing all this for you, honey. You deserve not to have your parents at each other’s throats. Isn’t that right, Taryn? I had to break Ash’s heart to save yours. He took Taryn upstairs to lay her down for a nap, and the memories of Ash’s courage in rescuing Taryn came back to him. He hugged Taryn tightly as tears welled up in his eyes.

  “Daddy, why are you crying?”

  “I said some mean things to Mr. Ash. Nasty things. Things I never should have said.”

  “You should say sorry.”

  “I think it’s beyond sorry, sweetie. Don’t worry about it. Just go to sleep now.” Michael watched Taryn fall to sleep as he wiped his eyes. Damn it. If this was the right thing to do, then why does it hurt so much?

  Chapter Twelve

  Rock Bottom

  Michael opened the door to the counselor’s office, holding the door to let Michelle in ahead of him. It doesn’t get any easier with time. I still miss you, Ash. Michelle doesn’t even begin to fill the hole you left behind in my life. She never did. That’s why I sought you out. You were right about that, Ash. It’s too late to tell you that now, but you were right.

  He sat down on the chair, Michelle sitting next to him. He looked at Michelle. She took it as an expression of love and squeezed his hand. The happier we get, the more we return to what would be considered a normal relationship, the more empty I feel. He put on a smile as the counselor entered.

  “Well, how are we doing?” The counselor leaned back in his chair with a satisfied expression as he surveyed the happy couple before him.

  “Very well,” Michelle said. “Things have been a lot better between us.”

  “Yeah.” Michael reluctantly agreed.

  “Okay, then I’d like to just focus on individual therapy for today. Michael, we’ll deal with you first. If you could please wait out in the hallway, Mrs. Williams...” Michelle stood up and left, closing the giant oak door behind her.

  “Are you still seeing that man?” The counselor rounded on him.

  “No, it’s over,” Michael replied.

  “You still harbor feelings for him, then. I can tell you’re not putting your full energy into this.”

  “It’s not that easy to just forget about someone you love!” Michael said. “I said unforgivable t
hings to Ash. Things I never should have said. How could that not weigh on my mind?”

  “He’ll get over it. You need to focus on yourself and your marriage.”

  “Even if it feels empty?” Michael said. “Even if when I look at her I feel nothing? Even if we’re not fighting, that doesn’t mean things are good. I’ve never felt so alone.”

  “Michael, if you refuse to get rid of these lingering feelings, then I will have to discharge you. I won’t treat the unwilling.”

  “Then discharge us,” Michael said. “I know I disgust you. I saw it in your eyes the first week. You want the truth, let me give it to you; I love Ash, more then I’ve ever loved anyone. Maybe even my own daughter. Do you understand?”

  “It’s a lie,” the counselor said. “If you continue down this path, you’ll lose your wife and daughter.”

  Michael put his fist down on the table. “You think this is easy? You think I enjoy this? I know if I leave Michelle I’ll never see Taryn again. The world is full of people like you who would say I’m an unfit parent simply because I love a man. Do what you want. Discharge me. I’m done listening to you anyway.”

  “Fine. As of this week, I’ll no longer be accepting new appointments from you. I’ll leave it up to you to explain it to your wife. Just remember this; your lies will catch up to you in the end.” The counselor closed his file.

  Michael stood up, composing himself. Michelle will know something is wrong if I walk out there in a bad mood. I’ve got to hold it in. He let out a sigh and opened the door. Michelle was sitting patiently in the waiting room.

  “Is it time for me to go in?” Michelle asked.

  “No, we’ve been discharged. He said he’s done all he can for us. That we’re a healthy couple now.” Michael shrugged.

  “Oh, that was sudden,” Michelle said. “Well, I guess he’s got other patients to see.” She paid the bill and they left.

  “How about we take Taryn out to eat?” Michael said. “You know, a nice family dinner? We deserve a treat to celebrate the end of therapy, right?” The lies come so much easier then the truth.

  “Sounds good! How about that pizza restaurant downtown?”

  “Sure. Let’s go get Taryn.”

  Ash stood on the balcony of his apartment, checking his phone. Five weeks without so much as a text apology. I guess it’s over. He adjusted his broken arm in the sling and tossed his cigarette over the side. The cloudy skies threatened rain overhead, casting a gloom over the day. Ash turned and walked inside. The money that Michael had given him was sitting on the counter, rolled up just as he had thrown it there when he left.

  I should go out, Ash thought. I haven’t left the house for anything besides groceries and cigarettes in four weeks. He gave me this money; I might as well use it and go out to eat or something. These four walls are driving me crazy. He picked up the money and put it in his pocket. I meant to give it back to him at some point but I guess he’s not coming back. I guess marriage counseling worked out for him after all.

  He left the house, walking downtown. The cast on his arm made some passers-by stare but he ignored them and kept on walking until he reached his favorite pizza joint. He wandered inside, and was seated by a tired-looking middle aged lady who handed him a menu. He ordered a pizza and a soda and sat twiddling his thumbs. He stood up and fiddled with the jukebox, then sat back down as his pizza arrived. He was tucking in when the door opened and a family walked in. Ash recognized little Taryn first as she ran off and Michelle grabbed her hand. Michael turned towards him as they were led to their seats and did a double-take as he noticed Ash. Michael sat facing him, and couldn’t seem to keep his eyes off off Ash. Ash felt his breath catch in his throat. Michael.

  Michael felt a jolt rush through his heart as his eyes locked with Ash’s bright blue ones. All his familiar yearnings hit him all at once and the rush of emotion hit him like a lightning bolt. I have to talk to him. I have to apologize. He stood up.

  “Order whatever you like. I have to use the restroom.” He walked past Ash’s table, fighting the urge to touch him, to give him a signal to meet him. He’ll come, Michael thought. He entered the busy restroom and stood around. Guys looked at him suspiciously as if he was eyeing them up and so he entered a stall and waited until they all left. The door opened again and there was sound of somebody entering the stall next to him.

  “Ash? Ash, is that you?” Silence. It has to be him, Michael thought.

  “Ash, I’m so sorry for what I said to you. I didn’t mean any of it. I made the biggest mistake of my life.” Michael leaned his head against the restroom wall, wanting to be closer to Ash.

  “You were never a cheap whore to me. I love you, Ash. I want you back. I don’t care if I give up everything. I just want to hold you again.” Michael felt himself shaking a little. The toilet next door flushed and the door opened. Michael opened his door and stepped out to see the face of a stranger.

  “You’ve got issues, you know,” the stranger said. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell your pretty little wife and kid out there.” He shook his head and washed his hands, leaving the restroom as quickly as he could. Michael felt the heat rushing to his face, the humiliation filling him with rage.

  Idiot! He washed his hands and splashed cold water on his face. I should get back out there, just in case that stranger changes his mind. He left the restroom and headed back to his table. He looked for Ash but he was gone, his tip scattered on the table like he’d left in a hurry. I guess he doesn’t want to see me. I can’t blame him. He bit his lip as he sat down at the table, his appetite gone as the pizza arrived.

  Ash hurried down the street, carrying his pizza box and trying to not to break into a run. He’d asked for the check and fled as Michael had gone into the bathroom. I wanted to break down and follow, but I can’t do that. I can’t chase you down like a sixteen year old. It’s over between us. That’s what you decided. I have to abide by your wishes.

  His walk slowed as he got further from the pizza restaurant. I could have talked to him. I should have stayed. I was just too scared. Scared he would reaffirm that he doesn’t want me. He reached his apartment building and stood in the elevator, waiting for it to rise. I miss you like fucking crazy, but what the hell am I supposed to do? Fuck you in the bathroom while your family sits outside? We don’t have a future. You chose your family over me, the only logical choice you could have made. Getting back together with you isn’t going to change any of that.

  He stepped out of the elevator and unlocked his door, tossing the pizza box on the counter. He kicked off his shoes and sat down on the sofa, lighting a cigarette.

  Michael was in a bad mood as he drove home from the restaurant with his family. He braked sharply at a stop sign, drove way over the speed limit and was shouting at any driver who took more then a second to respond to a green light.

  “Michael, what’s wrong?” Michelle asked. “Slow down! Taryn’s in the car!”

  “Be quiet!” Michael snapped. “For God’s sake, shut up for once.”

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “I mean you’re always nagging me! Slow down, do this, do that!”

  “Christ, what’s your problem?” Michelle asked. “You were in a great mood until we got to the restaurant. Then you hardly ate. Did you not like what I ordered? I’m sick of trying to second-guess what you want, and I’m sick of dealing with your random mood-swings!”

  Taryn started to cry in the back seat. Michael let out a long sigh. I can’t do it any more, Ash. I’m ready to snap. I’ve done my best. I’ve tried to be a family man, but I suck at it. Every moment I spend without you is a moment in Hell. This is what you’ve done to me.

  “Will you both just be quiet!” Michael yelled. Taryn cried louder. Michelle admonished him for making Taryn cry. They reached the house and Michael parked poorly, getting out of the car and slamming the door. He slammed the door into the house, the screen door rattling as it hit the inner door and opened again, swinging on rusted hinges. Mi
chelle followed with Taryn in her arms and rushed upstairs to get her settled down and put her to bed. Michael slammed things around in the kitchen, trying to burn off his anger.

  Michelle came back downstairs after she had settled Taryn. “Michael, talk to me. The counselor said we have to communicate to work out our problems. You have to tell me the truth.”

  “The truth?” Michael scoffed. “Here’s the truth. Life sucks. We get up in the morning, we go to work, we eat and shit and sleep and that’s it. There’s no joy to anything. I’m just a tool to earn money that you waste! Tell me, Michelle, when was the last time I did something for me? When was the last time we watched a movie or went somewhere that I liked?”

  “You suggested the dinner. You told me to pick what we ate.”

  “It’s not about the fucking dinner,” Michael said. “It’s about everything. This whole life. They tell you that family will bring you ultimate happiness. Get married. Have children. Buy a house. Pay a mortgage. They don’t tell you that your wife will spend away your hard earned money on hair appointments or that your daughter will cry no matter what you do. They don’t tell you that you’ll become a zombie, devoid of all time for interests or desires.”

  “I’m sorry! We just don’t like the same things! You’re into all that violent stuff. I can’t abide that, and I won’t have it around our daughter, either.”

  “Then what do we have in common? What things do we both like?”

  “Taryn. We have Taryn. Our daughter.”

  “That’s all. Taryn’s the only joy I have in this life, do you know that? She’s all I have left...”