Rainy Days

by Victoria Zagar

  “I’m here,” Michael’s text said.

  You’re early, Ash thought. You must be as eager to talk as I am. What a sad pair we are. He dressed quickly and grabbed his appointment card and keys, leaving the apartment and heading down the hallway. He drummed his fingers on the handrail nervously as the elevator descended and the doors opened. Michael was sitting in his car, smoking a cigarette. Ash smiled and opened the passenger door.

  “Let’s go get this thing taken off,” Ash said, gesturing to the cast. “Thank you for the ride.”

  “I don’t have much to do at work right now anyway,” Michael said. “They won’t miss me.”

  “Don’t lose your job over me.”

  “It would be worth it,” Michael said, as they pulled into traffic. “So, um, since we’re early, did you want to stop somewhere on the way? I know this little coffee place up near the hospital. I haven’t been there in a while.”

  “Sounds good,” Ash said. He nervously tugged a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and lit one. “Hope you don’t mind.”

  “I think we’re giving each other lung cancer,” Michael said. “I’ve done nothing but smoke every chance I get in the last month.”

  “Me too,” Ash said, a smirk crossing his lips. So you missed me as much as I missed you, huh? He lit up and inhaled, breathing out the smoke slowly. They drove in relative silence for most of the trip until they reached a small town close to the hospital. Michael pulled in on the main street, in front of a small family-owned coffee shop.

  “I used to come here when I couldn’t take it any more,” Michael said. “This place became my escape for a while. I haven’t been here since I met you, though.”

  They closed the car doors and headed inside, sitting down at a little table. They ordered coffees and sat at a little table in the back corner, waiting for the hot beverages to cool.

  “I guess one of us has to talk first,” Michael said. “It should be me.” He shook his head. “I can’t believe I said those things to you. Ash, I didn’t mean them. I just - I just thought that if I could make a clean break, I would stop thinking about you. I deluded myself into believing that our affair was what was destroying my marriage. You were right, Ash - I sought you out because my marriage is going to hell. No amount of counseling is going to change the fact that I just don’t love Michelle any more.”

  “What are you going to do about it?”

  “I’m not sure. Michelle still loves me, I can tell. It wouldn’t be an amicable divorce. I’d lose Taryn for sure. Yet all I can think about at night is leaving her. Now that I know it can never work, how can I keep investing in that life? But then I see Taryn and I can’t imagine how I ever thought about leaving.”

  “We could fight for her,” Ash said. “Get partial custody, at least.”

  “You’d be willing?”

  “She’s a good kid. She’s your daughter. Of course I would.” Ash said. “What, you think just because I’ve never had a family means I don’t want one?”

  “No, of course not,” Michael said. “I just didn’t realize--”

  “--That I was this serious?” Ash finished. “Michael, I’m totally serious. I want to live with you. I want Taryn to live with us, if she can. I want you to be happy and I would do anything to make that happen.”

  Michael looked into his eyes and looked away from the sincerity there. “No court would grant us even partial custody. We could never afford the kind of lawyers who could win that kind of decision.”

  “They can’t stop you seeing your daughter. We’ll find a way.”

  “How do we know it’ll work out? If I leave everything behind, what’s the guarantee that we’d work together?”

  “Life has no guarantees,” Ash said. “All I know is that I want you back. But I don’t want to be your bit on the side any more. I’m so tired of waking up alone, wondering when I’ll see you next. I wish my life away waiting for the moments when we can be together.”

  “I’m sorry. It’s not easy to make these kinds of decisions, you know? If it was just Michelle, it would be easier to leave. But Taryn’s future hangs in the balance as well. I can’t just break up a home based on a few fuzzy feelings that might fade. Once it’s gone, I can never get it back.” Michael sighed.

  “I get that. That’s why I’m willing to make a compromise.”

  “A compromise? What kind of compromise?”

  “You need to know if we’re right before you leave everything behind, right?” Ash said. Michael nodded.

  “So,” Ash continued. “How about we do a trial run? Continue as we have been for another three months, seeing each other when we can. At the end of that time, you can make a decision.”

  “Six months,” Michael said. “I want six months. I don’t want to miss Taryn’s birthday. It might be the last one we spend together.”

  “Okay,” Ash said. “Six months. We’ll know by then if this can work, and if it doesn’t, I’ll head back to California so I don’t distract you any more.”

  “Ash...”

  “You have to make a decision at the end of six months,” Ash said. “No more games and no more stalling. I’m not going to wait for thirty years to see if you’ll come through on your promises.”

  “Fair enough,” Michael sipped at his coffee. “What will you do if you go back to California?”

  “Not what you think,” Ash smirked as he saw the heat of jealousy in Michael’s eyes. “I’ll just call a few old friends and see if I can get a job. A respectable job. There’s a better chance in California of meeting somebody else, unlike here, where I can’t even be out.”

  “I see.” Michael reached out his hands and took Ash’s in them. “I don’t want you to leave, Ash. I want this to work.”

  “Me too,” Ash said. “Me too.” He looked at the clock on the wall. “We should go. My appointment’s soon. I don’t want to be late.” They left, getting into the car and driving to the hospital.

  Michael sat alone in the stark hospital hallway, twiddling his fingers while he waited for Ash. Six months to wrap my life up. It sounded so easy to agree to, but can I really pull it off? He sighed. If Ash goes back to California, I’ll never see him again. He’ll have no reason to come back here. I’ll lose him forever. I have to make an impossible choice and I’ll lose something dear to me either way. Perhaps I could have fought for a year, but it makes no difference. I knew this choice would come eventually.

  Ash emerged from the doctor’s office, his cast gone. He smiled at Michael and Michael smiled back, his worries forgotten. “All better?”

  “I have to be careful with it in future, but I’m good to go,” Ash said. They walked towards the exit, but Ash pulled Michael down a deserted hallway and into an empty room, where he pinned Michael to the wall and kissed him. He drew back.

  “It’s good to have the use of both arms again,” Ash said. “It’s even better to have you back in my life.” He moved both hands up to Michael’s face and kissed him again, tongue slipping into the other man’s mouth, savoring the taste. Michael gasped breathlessly and reached his hand down to Ash’s crotch. Ash sighed contentedly, working his hands up Michael’s shirt.

  “We probably shouldn’t do it here,” Michael whispered. “We could get caught.”

  “That just adds to the excitement,” Ash said, with a wicked smile. “Don’t you think?” He kissed Michael’s neck and then stripped him of his shirt, discarding it on the floor to concentrate on kissing down Michael’s chest. Michael gasped as Ash undid his belt and unzipped his jeans. Ash teased Michael’s cock with hot breath before running his tongue up the underside. Michael struggled to stifle a cry as hospital staff passed by the door.

  “Oh, maybe we’d better stop,” Ash teased, backing away. Michael let out a sigh of frustration and tugged on Ash’s hair. “Or not,” Ash whispered before taking Michael’s cock in his mouth. Michael bit his lip, stifling a cry and leaning back against the wall. Michael reached his hand forward and caressed Ash’s head, gently tuckin
g his hair behind his ear and watching his handsome face, his blue eyes concentrating on his cock, his mouth moving back and forth, every move intentional and focused, not just the force of practiced habit.

  He wants to build a life with me. This handsome man wants to be mine. Sometimes it’s so hard to believe. Conscious thought drifted away from him as Ash sped up his motions and Michael felt a rush of pleasure and contentment. Just then, the doorknob started to turn and stopped. There was a conversation outside. Ash went to pull away, but Michael held his head in place. Let them all see, I don’t care any more. I’m not ashamed of this feeling. I’m not afraid to have these desires. The fear of being caught and Ash’s willingness to please him drove him over the edge and he came in Ash’s mouth, clawing at the wall in order not to make a sound. Ash zipped him up and tossed Michael his shirt. Michael dressed quickly. Ash seized him and kissed him just as the door opened.

  The doctor turned on the light. “Oh,” he uttered in surprise. “Am I interrupting something?”

  “Not at all,” Ash said. “We were just leaving.” He ushered Michael from the room as the doctor shot them a suspicious glance. He grinned as they walked down the hallway.

  “You did that on purpose,” Michael said. “You knew he was going to come in. We could have gotten away with it.”

  “What’s the fun in that?” Ash smirked and licked his lips.

  “I’m still cheating on my wife. I shouldn’t exactly be seen kissing another man so close to home.” Michael sighed.

  “We’re an hour away. Let them see. They’ll all know soon enough,” Ash said, his expression darkening.

  He’s afraid, Michael realized. He might put on a confident act, but the future scares him just as much as me.

  They reached the car and hustled in, fastening their seat-belts as Michael pulled out of the parking lot. Ash lit a cigarette right away, cracking the window and looking out with a pensive expression as the fields rolled by. They sat in silence as Michael drove.

  “You’re not... ashamed of me, are you?” Ash finally asked.

  Michael pulled the car over to the side of the road and seized Ash’s hands, looking straight into his eyes and seeing the hurt there. “You idiot. It’s not you I’m ashamed of. Never you. Just the man I see in the mirror every morning. The man who’s cheating on his wife because he’s too afraid to leave. The man who wonders if everybody sees the lies when they look at him. The man who’s scared he’ll never have the courage to be honest. The man who’s afraid of everybody else’s judgement. It’s myself I’m ashamed of.” He looked down at his lap.

  Ash reached over and lifted Michael's chin with his hand. He leaned in and kissed Michael, a deep, loving kiss that made Michael’s doubts and fears fade away in an instant. Michael kissed back with equal fervor, his hands in Ash’s hair, the taste of him still in Ash’s mouth. They parted reluctantly.

  “That’s not what I see when I look at you,” Ash said. “I see a man who’s way too hard on himself. A man who made some mistakes but is working on being more honest with himself. A man who’s suffered because he believed what the world told him about love and marriage.” Ash stroked Michael’s face. “I see the man I love. I see the man I want to spend my life with, if it’s possible.”

  “What if it’s not?” Michael said. “What if I’m too much of a coward to make it happen?”

  “Then you’ll go on suffering. I can’t make you do anything. I want to make you happy, but you have to want it too. If you inevitably decide your family is more important, I’ll still love you. That’s why I’ll get out of your way and go to California. I have no desire to torture you.”

  “Ash,” Michael said. “I want to leave her. I want to be with you.”

  “I know. I believe you. Don’t stress yourself out. We have six months, remember?”

  “Yeah.” Michael squeezed Ash’s hand. “Thank you for being patient.”

  “You’re worth waiting for,” Ash said, a smile on his face. “Come on, let’s go back to my apartment. We’ve got all day to spend together. Let’s make it a good one.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  It’s Not About The Money

  Ash and Michael headed straight upstairs when they reached the Tower Heights apartment building. Ash grabbed a pile of mail from the mailbox, opened his apartment door and let them both in. He dropped his keys and the mail on the counter and turned to face Michael, who tentatively took a step towards Ash, brushing Ash’s lips with his own. Ash kissed back, letting his guard down and melting into Michael’s arms. Michael took Ash’s hand and led him to the sofa, guiding him downwards onto the seat, kissing him as they sank into the sofa together.

  “Mmm.” Ash moaned as Michael pulled away. “Don’t stop. Don’t ever stop.”

  Michael kissed down Ash’s face, feeling the hard stubble prick his lips like a briar rose.

  “Wasn’t planning on it,” he whispered into Ash’s ear, his left hand in Ash’s silken hair. He moved his hands down the other man’s body and pulled his shirt up and over his head, discarding it in a heap on the floor. He spent time kissing and caressing Ash’s chest, exploring the well-defined landscape that spoke of hours spent working out. He rested his head down and listened to Ash’s heart beat like a drum. Ash’s hands stroked his hair and they half-sat, half-lay on the sofa for a while, unable to find the words to express what they wanted.

  “Bedroom?” Ash finally asked.

  “Yes,” Michael said, his voice suddenly hoarse. He moved up and kissed Ash on the lips before getting to his feet and leading Ash into the bedroom. The rain poured outside but they barely noticed the drumming over the beat of their pulses as they kissed and touched one another.

  Michael pressed Ash down on the bed as desire took over. It spread through his body like fire, merging with his feelings as he prepared them both and pressed himself inside Ash. Michael let all conscious thought slip away until only desire and love were left, the tender fire that warmed his heart and soul and spread down to his groin as he moved closer to the edge. His guilt and fear seemed a million miles away as he focused on the man beneath him, listening to every pleasured cry like a favorite song until he couldn’t take it any more. He let himself fall over the edge, coming inside Ash with a primal cry on his lips that spoke of a yearning as old as time itself. He recovered and reached for Ash’s cock, stroking him to completion as looked into his bright blue eyes.

  They curled up together, sated and filled with a sense of contentment. Michael ran his fingers down Ash’s chest as he rested his head next to Ash’s on the pillow. “I love you so fucking much,” he whispered.

  “I love you too.” Ash smiled, feeling warmth curl in his gut. He watched Michael as he fell into a light doze and carefully got to his feet, being careful not to rouse his partner. He made his way into the kitchen, lighting a cigarette on the way and rifled through his stack of mail.

  A letter from the zoo? What’s this about? Ash stubbed out his cigarette on the kitchen counter and opened the envelope with urgency. He unfolded the letter and scan read through it. They want me to meet with their lawyers and pay me compensation for my injuries? I don’t get it. I didn’t sue them. He hurried into the bedroom and shook Michael awake.

  “What’s wrong?” Michael asked, his sense of peace disturbed by Ash’s urgent expression.

  “I got a letter from the zoo,” Ash said. “They want to pay me compensation.”

  “That’s great!” Michael sat up, taking the letter from Ash and reading through it. “You didn’t sue them, did you?”

  “Nope,” Ash said. “Where would I get the money for that?”

  “True enough. I wonder if I got one of these?”

  “It’s possible. If I get a settlement, I can finally buy a vehicle. If there’s anything left over, I’ll put it away for our future.”

  “What kind of car are you going to buy?” Michael asked, trying to ignore the jolt of electricity that ran through him as Ash said the words “our future”.

&nb
sp; “I’d like a bike,” Ash said. “Used to have one, until times got hard. There’s nothing like rolling through the countryside with the wind in my hair.”

  “In the rain?”

  “Yeah, sometimes,” Ash chuckled. “I’ve got my reliable ride to work if it gets too wet, right?”

  “You bet,” Michael leaned in and kissed Ash. “Well, don’t get your hopes up. They might not offer you anything.”

  “True enough,” Ash sighed, wandering back into the kitchen. He put the letter down on the counter. Michael emerged from the bedroom and slipped his arms around Ash from behind, pulling him close.

  “Want to watch a movie?” Ash asked. “We still have time before you have to go.”

  “Sure,” Michael let go of Ash and wandered over to the DVD shelf. Ash grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge and Michael picked a horror movie, putting the disc in the tray and pressing play. Ash offered him a beer and they sat naked together, chuckling at the bad special effects and jumping in all the right places.

  Michael leaned his head on Ash’s shoulder as the credits rolled. “I guess that’s my cue,” he said, reluctantly getting up. He went into the bedroom and found his clothes, dressing as Ash watched him from the doorway.

  “You going back to work tomorrow?” Michael asked.

  “I don’t know. I should call them now I’ve got the cast off and see if they want me back. I’ll text you and let you know.”

  Michael finished dressing and seized Ash in a tight embrace, sealed with a deep kiss. “I’m sorry,”

  “Sorry for what?”

  “Leaving,” Michael said. “Going back to her and my miserable lie of a life.”