Losing Control (Heaven Hill Series)

by Laramie Briscoe

  It was only fair to share, but this made her nervous. “What is it that you want to know?”

  Her eyes took him in when he tipped his head back, deep in thought. He was quiet for so long, she thought that perhaps she wouldn’t have to actually say anything. She thought that maybe he had taken pity on her. “What’s the one thing in life you’re most scared of?”

  Shit. Jagger had gone right for the jugular. No questions about her first car from this man who was so playful one minute and so serious the next. She wondered if she should just lie her way through this or be honest.

  “Seriously?” Her eyebrow lifted, showing how she felt about his line of questioning.

  “Hey, it’s not my fault you pussied out and asked me about my first car.”

  He had her there. “Oh okay,” she huffed, blowing out a breath so deep that it moved her hair.

  “No pressure and no judgment here. We’re two people trying to get to know each other and trying to make this new relationship work. We have to find stuff out about each other,” he reasoned.

  Bianca knew he was right, but it didn’t make admitting her deepest, darkest fears any easier. “Everything,” she whispered.

  “Care to pinpoint a couple of things?”

  Tears sprang to her eyes, and for the first time, she gave voice to the things that nagged her conscious every day. “No, I’m serious. I’m scared of everything. I’m terrified that I’ll never finish school, I’ll never get out of this piece of shit apartment, I’ve never taken a vacation and I feel like I’ll never have the money for it, I’m worried that I won’t be a good teacher. Will I ever be a wife? Will I ever be a mother? Will I ever be something other than what I am right now?” She was almost hyperventilating as she finished.

  “Believe me when I say this to you,” Jagger told her in a soft voice, trying to calm her down. His hands ran down her arms comfortingly, grasping her fingers tightly, forcing her to look at him. “You’re perfect to me. I like every weird nuance and quirk you have. You don’t have to change for me.”

  Acceptance had never been important to her, but for some reason hearing him say those words allowed her to breathe easier. “You sure?” she asked, not believing that he could like her neurotic tendencies.

  He laughed. “I’m very sure. You’re an enigma, Bianca Hawks. You act like such a badass, when really all you are is someone who worries about everything. It’s sweet, and I’m kind of glad to know you have these hang-ups. It makes me feel normal.”

  With shaking hands, she clung tightly to his body. It felt good to be normal, even if normal was in the eye of the beholder. “You make me feel normal too. I know that it seems like we’re taking this at a snail’s pace and we’re doing everything ass backwards, but I’m glad you understand me.”

  “Baby, I don’t understand a damn thing about you. I’m just lucky,” he deadpanned, catching her off guard and causing her to giggle.

  She couldn’t tell if he was joking or not and maybe that’s what kept her coming back. That and the fact he never made her feel stupid for having a breakdown about the things that were important to her. Grinning, she leaned up, kissing him slowly on the lips.

  “Then we’re both pretty lucky.”

  “Yeah.” He bit his lip and dug his fingers into her hair. “I’m beginning to think that maybe we are.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Bianca awoke to sunlight streaming in from the blinds they had forgotten to close the night before and a heavy arm resting across her stomach, holding her closely. Entwining her fingers with Jagger’s, she gave his hand a light squeeze. Not enough to wake him up, just enough to let him know she was there. He answered by tightening his arm around her and burying his head deeper into her hair. She could feel the scrape of an unshaven face on her neck. It was intimate and the epitome of all things that happened in relationships. A small smile worked its way across her face and she sighed happily.

  She had slept through the night for the first time since the gunfire outside the apartment, feeling safe with him there. It wasn’t that she felt like someone was going to break in and maim her at all times, but there was an uneasiness about being a female living alone. With him, she could let her guard down. Gone was the fatigue that normally dragged her down and the low-lying hum of wariness that she usually carried with her – even during the day. Living the life she normally did was very lonely.

  “I can hear you thinking.”

  For just a moment, she allowed that deep, sleep-roughened and slow voice to wash over her. It was a physical caress. Goosebumps appeared on her arms, and her legs rubbed together of their own volition.

  “I can’t help it,” she admitted, running her hand over his. “When I have too much down time, my brain runs away from me.”

  Using his arm, he pulled her so that she lay with her back flat against the bed. Propped up on an elbow, he looked down at her. “We can’t have that now, can we?”

  The startling blue of his eyes were almost black as his gaze roamed her face and down further. She was nervous and she wasn’t sure why. The tone of his body language told her that she was the prey and he was the hunter right now. Anticipation tingled from her stomach all the way up to her mouth as she let out a soft giggle.

  “You think this is funny?” His eyebrows lifted in question.

  She shook her head from side to side. “Not at all, but you’ve got me just a little bit nervous,” she admitted.

  The side of his mouth lifted, a shit-eating grin taking shape. “Maybe you should be.”

  Before she could answer, he dropped his head to her chest, zeroing in on where her nipple stood, already taut and ready for his attention. His mouth was warm against the cotton of her t-shirt, the sharpness of his teeth muted because of the barrier. As he worried the hard nub, it abraded against the texture of her shirt, causing her to moan loudly. With a mind of their own, her hands moved to his hair and buried themselves there, tugging his mouth more firmly against her. Wanting to get as close to him as she could, her back arched, driving her flesh deeper into his mouth. In answer to her moan, he moaned, moving so that he now lay atop her.

  “Jagger,” she breathed out on short pants of air. He was getting her hot and getting her hot faster than any other man had ever been able to.

  The hardness pressing against her stomach told her just how much she was affecting him, and it gave her confidence. Reaching down, she grasped the sides of the boxer briefs he had slept in and pushed them down, just so that his cock was freed from those confines.

  Their hands smacked against one another as she lifted her shirt just over her belly and his fingers went to her core, wrenching aside the cloth of her panties. She wrapped her legs around him, urging him on.

  Pulling his mouth away from her breast, Jagger heaved a breath. “Are you on anything?” This was way out of control, and someone had to make sure things were taken care of. He knew without a doubt that he wasn’t ready for a child just because it was an “oops” moment.

  “Yeah,” she answered, pulling his mouth down to hers. The kiss was explosive as he thrust deeply into her body. She moaned, twirling his tongue with hers as she dug the heels of her feet into his back.

  “Fuck, Bianca,” he groaned out. Nothing had ever felt like this before. No other woman he had been with had fit him so perfectly. It wasn’t work withdrawing and plunging back into her body.

  Digging her nails into his shoulders, she nodded. “I know.” The voice she answered him with was guttural. The nip of her nails into his shoulders unleashed feelings in him that he didn’t want to examine right now, but he knew they would have to be at some point.

  Reaching under her body, his large hand grasped one cheek of her ass, bringing it flush with him, allowing him to go deeper. She hissed, and he ran his lips down her neck. “You okay?” he asked against the slippery skin. Sweat began to bathe their bodies as they rocked against one another, the headboard of her bed slapping against the wall.

  Pulling her bottom lip be
tween her teeth, she nodded. “I’m okay, it’s just…a lot.”

  He knew what she meant. The feelings blossoming between the two of them were almost enough to send him running, and knowing that, he held on tighter to her. If given a chance, Jagger knew that she would be gone before he could even blink. “Stay with me, B,” he pleaded with her.

  “I’m here,” she answered.

  But for how long? The voice in his head asked. Jagger growled, frustrated that his mind was going there now, of all times. With superhuman effort, he took all those doubts and thoughts and shoved them into a box, locking it away from his mind. Those would just have to stay there because the woman he held in his arms was his life. He had no room for the doubts that kept trying to creep in.

  Bianca moaned as he found an angle that pleased her greatly. “Don’t stop, Jagger,” she breathed out, almost chanting as he withdrew and pushed back into her body.

  “I won’t,” his voice a promise. With strong fingers he gripped her around the thighs, hauling her as close to him as they could be. Once he crushed her body with his, he moved one hand up to brace himself against the mattress. “Hold on,” he warned her.

  With one hand, she gripped around his bicep, holding on as he sent them both further up the bed with the force of his thrusts. With her other hand, she cupped him around the neck, running her nails along the tendons there.

  “Jagger,” she panted. “I can’t stand it.”

  “Me neither,” he admitted.

  Knowing that he was feeling everything she was gave her the confidence she needed. “Jagger, come for me,” she pleaded, desperately needing to know that she could get him there.

  “Only after you, baby,” he told her as he spread her legs further apart with his body and grasped one of her hands in his. “Help me out,” he told her, a wicked look in his eyes. With his hand, he directed her to the nub of her pleasure, dragging his finger across the distended flesh, bringing her hand along with his.

  Her breath rasped deeper in her throat and her hips jerked faster against him.

  “C’mon, B,” he encouraged her as he picked up the pace. “If you get any tighter on me, I’m not gonna make it.”

  She could feel her entire body tightening as the feelings and sensations settled deep into the core of her body. When everything had just started to become too much, she erupted, gasping and undulating against him. Making a noise she had never heard from her throat before, she exposed her neck to him as she gave her body over to the vibrations wracking her from the inside out.

  Jagger’s rhythm faltered as she felt him jerk, burying his face in the curve of her neck and sucking strongly at a spot behind her ear. The groan that wrenched from his body gave her goosebumps again as he rolled away from her, collapsing on his side.

  “My arms are shaking,” he laughed, blinking hard. “That was…”

  “You don’t have to say anything,” she whispered, putting a finger over his mouth. “There are no words, so let’s just enjoy it.”

  Couldn’t argue with that. Curling one arm around her neck, he hauled her over so that she wrapped her body around his. Lazily, he stroked the length of her hair and peppered kisses against her mouth at regular intervals.

  Bianca could feel her eyelids getting heavy as he continued stroking her hair. “You tired, baby?” he asked quietly, hoping the timbre of his voice would lull her to sleep.

  She nodded, entwining her arms with his, hugging him to her body.

  “Go to sleep, I’ll be here when you wake up,” he promised, running his other hand down her back.

  For the first time ever, she believed those words.

  This time when she awoke, it was because of the incessant ringing of a cell phone. “Is that yours?” Bianca asked, her tongue thick with sleep.

  “Shit yeah,” he answered reaching across her to grab his phone from the night stand.

  “Hello?” He ran a hand through his hair, glancing around for a clock. Once he saw it and the time, he perked up. “Yeah, we’re still on. You bringin’ Layne with you?”

  Bianca burrowed deeper into the blankets, trying not to think about him leaving, but obviously he had somewhere else to be. Half-heartedly listening to his conversation, she tried to tell herself that it would be okay when he left.

  “Okay, see you then. Bye.”

  He put his phone back on the bedside table and moved the blankets back to expose her face. “Morning,” he grinned.

  “Morning.” She tried to grin back, but failed.

  “Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked, placing a soft kiss on her cheek.

  “Nothin’.”

  “C’mon, I think we’ve moved past the ‘nothing’ stage of dating.”

  She wrapped her arms around his waist and held on for dear life. “Just don’t want you to go,” she admitted.

  With one hand, he pushed her hair back away from her face. “I’m not. That was Tyler. He and Layne are comin’ over to help me fix that death trap you call stairs in front of this apartment. It’s not safe for you, especially when you come home so late at night half the time.”

  “It’s about time you put your money where your mouth is.”

  Her spirit was lighter now that she knew he wasn’t just leaving. Knowing that he would stick around for a portion of the afternoon made her feel better, but she knew that at some point she was going to have to come to grips with this weird feeling she had about him leaving. Finally, she’d come to terms with the fact that she knew he would be back, but it still gave her anxiety. Some therapist would have a field day with her, she knew that for a fact.

  “I had to wait until everybody could do it on the same day, but we’re ready today.”

  Pushing back the covers, he got out of the bed and stretched, not ashamed one bit of the nudity that he displayed. “They’ll be here in a few minutes, they’re actually on their way.”

  She pushed herself out of bed next to him. “I have some coffee and hot cocoa. It’s still freezing outside. Should I make it?” she asked him.

  “Sounds good, I’m sure Meredith will be with Tyler, so she’ll probably hang with you.”

  He left her bedroom putting his clothes on as he went. Immediately she had to stomp down the anxiety she felt about Meredith seeing her apartment. One day soon she was going to have to do something about her feelings when it came to what she had to offer others and what her preconceived notions were about others. Taking a deep breath, she squared her shoulders and put her big girl panties on. Now was a good a time as any to start.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  “Bianca, you in here?” Meredith asked as she knocked on the door.

  “Yeah,” she grinned from her spot on the couch. “Studying as always.”

  Meredith watched as Bianca lifted the book so that the cover showed. Having a seat next to her, Meredith got comfortable. “I hope you don’t mind that Tyler brought me.”

  “Not at all. Like we talked about earlier, I just don’t have that many girlfriends so it’s always kind of weird for me if you want to hang out.”

  Glancing up, Bianca looked at the other woman closely. Meredith looked more melancholy than usual, not the perky individual that Bianca was used to. “Are you okay?” she asked gently, setting her book aside.

  Tears popped to Meredith’s eyes and Bianca blinked in surprise. Just what the hell was going on that would make this vivacious person cry? It wasn’t long before tears streamed down Meredith’s cheeks in earnest.

  “Hey, I’m not good with other people, much less when they cry.”

  At those words, Meredith giggled. “I know. Emotions make you uncomfortable and I’m so sorry to spring my shit on you, but I’m just a mess today.”

  It struck Bianca as weird that the other woman seemed to want to confide in her. Normally she was connected with Denise at the hip. “Anything that I can do? I mean, I know I’m not Denise, but I can be a good listener if that’s what you need.”

  She inhaled an unsteady breath. “That’s the probl
em, I can’t go to Denise with this.”

  “The two of you are best friends. Why would you not want to go to her with something that’s bothering you?”

  Meredith drew a slim hand through her hair. “She’s part of my problem.”

  This was so confusing. “Mer, I’m not following,” Bianca admitted, trying out the nickname that she’d heard others at the clubhouse use.

  “I’m sorry. I’m really emotional and I just don’t know what to do.”

  “Why are you so emotional? Is something going on?”

  Bianca could tell that Meredith wanted to lay everything out there in the open for her, but she could also tell that Meredith wasn’t sure how it would be perceived. Friendship meant that two people trusted each other to listen, give honest advice, and to approach any situation with an open mind.

  “Look, I understand if you don’t want to tell me, but I’ll listen with an open mind if you want to give me a try.”

  She could see Meredith go back and forth in her mind. The struggle was evident on her face.

  Finally after what felt like a million years, Meredith sighed heavily. “The reason I can’t go to Denise with this is because she’s pregnant and Tyler and I want a baby.”

  Talk about a bombshell. Bianca opened and closed her mouth a few times, trying to find the words. “And you’re scared that Denise doesn’t want to share the limelight with you?”

  “No, it’s that we’ve been trying for a few months, and I’m still not pregnant,” Meredith admitted, twisting her fingers in the palm of her hand.

  “Oh, I get it now. You aren’t jealous, but you don’t want to project the disappointment you’re feeling on her?”

  “Exactly,” Meredith nodded and then went on in a rush. “And for a while, I wasn’t sure that I would even want children. I’m sure you’ve heard what happened to me. It took several conversations between Tyler and me to come to the conclusion that this is something I really wanted to do. Now it’s not taking, for lack of a better word.”