The Library of Lost and Found

by Phaedra Patrick

  “You don’t think she’s good enough for him, but she is,” Zelda shouted back to the group. “Just because she was pregnant—”

  “Zelda. Let’s go,” Gina urged her, following behind.

  “Please, Mum,” Betty begged. “Go home.”

  Thomas opened the front door. He stood stiffly beside it and pointed outside. “Out,” he demanded.

  Zelda glared at him. She took a step toward the door, bent her head, then rushed back into the dining room like a bull charging a matador. She snatched up her coat from the floor.

  Betty and Thomas followed her.

  Betty watched as Dylan and Eleanor each wrapped a protective arm around Lilian’s shoulders.

  “You think you’re better than us,” Zelda said. “But you’re not. Look at you all, fawning over Lilian. Well, what about Martha? Not one of you has gone upstairs to see how she is—”

  “Mum,” Betty cried out. “Stop.”

  “Well, it’s true,” Zelda muttered as she wrestled on her coat. She pushed her hair back with her hand.

  Eleanor stood up. “Really, Ezmerelda. Do listen to your daughter. You’re making an awful show of yourself.”

  Zelda’s eyes had fire in them. She raised herself as tall as she could. “Well,” she said. “Well, Mrs. La-di-da. At least I’m Martha’s real grandmother.”

  Everything seemed to fall into slow motion for Betty. She watched Lilian frown and look at her father. Eleanor stared blankly and Dylan touched her fingertips with his. Trevor’s fiancée started to cry.

  “Oh,” Zelda said aloud in mock surprise. “None of you knew, did you? That your darling Thomas isn’t Martha’s daddy?”

  Thomas swooped over. He wrapped his arms around Zelda and bundled her out of the room. The front door was still open and he pushed her outside. She raised her hand to push against it, but he forced it shut behind her. He held his hand against it.

  “Let me back in,” she shouted, hammering it with her fists.

  “Zelda,” Thomas said loudly over and over until she stopped banging. He waited, then opened the door a little and pressed his eye to it. “I never, ever want to see you here again,” he said slowly and firmly, his jaw clenching with anger. “You. Are. Dead to us.”

  He shut the door and quickly locked it behind him.

  Betty stood helplessly, chewing her lip. She could hear her mum shouting in the street. She peeked through the glass in the door to see Gina pulling her away.

  Thomas’s hand shook as he raised it. Betty cowered as he forced it into a finger point. “I told you, Betty,” he seethed, prodding the air.

  “Thomas. I’m so sorry.” She reached up and took hold of his jacket lapels. “She promised me—”

  “You heard what she said to my family,” he hissed.

  “We can tell them it’s not true. They saw she was drunk.”

  “Our daughter was there.”

  Betty noticed how he said it, as if Lilian was the only one. “Honestly, Thomas. We can sort this out. No one needs to know. They’ll believe us, not her. We’ll go in and explain...”

  Thomas fixed her with an icy stare. “I’ll do it,” he said. “But I want you to understand, Betty, that this was the last straw. It can’t go on.”

  “What can’t?”

  “This. Zelda is uncontrollable. We can’t trust her. You’re going to have to choose.”

  “Choose what?”

  “It’s me, or your mother.”

  Betty blinked up at him. “Don’t say that.”

  “I’ve always been here for you. I’ve never let you down,” Thomas said. He cupped her cheek. “I said I’d always take care of you and raise Martha as my own.”

  “Please. We don’t need to do this, Thomas—”

  “Either Zelda goes. Or, I go.”

  “No!”

  Thomas paused for a while before he walked backwards, towards the dining room. He held Betty’s gaze as he opened, stepped through and then pulled the door closed behind him.

  Betty was left on her own, trembling in the hallway. Her head thumped so badly she thought it might split open. She headed, blindly, for the front door and reached out for the door handle. Inside the dining room, she could hear Thomas talking. His voice was light and cheerful, as if nothing had happened. Betty turned the key and held it, ready to open the door, to go outside and follow her mother.

  But something inside stopped her and her breath came out in a gush.

  She’d learned to deal with Thomas over the years, but her mother was a loose cannon. Why hadn’t she told her that George, or Gina, or whatever her name was, was a woman? Had she invited her tonight, on purpose?

  She was so tired of being in the middle, trying to calm a storm.

  She also knew that when Thomas said something, he never backed down.

  Struggling for breath, Betty clasped her chest. She locked the door again and stumbled upstairs. She paused outside her daughter’s room for a while before stepping inside. Martha lay asleep in bed, surrounded by pieces of paper. It looked like she was lying on a bed of water lilies.

  With shaking hands, Betty slowly gathered the pages together. She saw they were stories and she placed them neatly on the bedside table. When she kissed Martha, her forehead felt cooler and her breathing was slow and peaceful.

  Betty rested the back of her hand against her daughter’s cheek. “Don’t worry,” she whispered. “No one will ever know.”

  All she wanted was a quiet, secure life, for her family. All she wanted was for the turmoil to stop.

  And at that moment, Betty made her choice.

  32

  Grandmother

  Martha hailed a taxi, to take her and Zelda back to the house. She didn’t want to talk in front of the driver, so they didn’t speak for the entire journey, each looking out of opposite windows.

  In Martha’s head, Lilian’s words tumbled around. They gathered momentum like a snowball rolling down a hill, growing bigger and bigger.

  Could it be true, what she’d said?

  When they reached the house, they entered in silence. Martha tugged off her coat and dumped it on top of the dining table. She felt as if her bone marrow had been replaced with ice, and she crossed and rubbed her arms.

  Zelda walked over to the window. As she gazed out over the bay, she looked small and frail.

  Martha joined her, standing close behind. Their breath fogged up the glass. “Lilian told me that Thomas wasn’t my father,” she said quietly.

  Zelda gave a small shrug. “Oh. What a silly thing to say.”

  Martha stared at her. Her nana’s cheeks were pale and drawn, but she didn’t want to listen to any more half truths, or avoidance tactics. Stepping across, she blocked Zelda’s view. “Tell me if Thomas Storm was my real father or not. I need to know.”

  Zelda exhaled and sat down heavily in the wooden chair. As she wrung her hands together in her lap, the lines around her eyes looked like cracked pottery. She wouldn’t meet Martha’s glare. “You were right,” she said eventually. “About their marriage certificate. Betty was pregnant when she walked down the aisle.”

  “I know. I saw it in black and white. That’s not what I asked.”

  “They were different times then, Martha. Unmarried mothers were frowned upon in society. Thomas was mature and handsome. He promised Betty that he’d take care of her. I thought she should take more time, not rush into a wedding. Let people gossip if they wanted to. But she wanted you to be born in wedlock.”

  “But was he my real dad?”

  Zelda lowered her eyes. “I don’t want to lie to you...”

  “Then don’t.”

  Zelda nodded slightly. “Betty was pregnant by someone else.”

  Martha ran her fingers through her hair, trying to comprehend this. “Did Dad know?”

  “Yes. The
y met while she was pregnant. He said that he’d raise you as his own child. And things moved quickly. They set a wedding date, even though your other grandparents objected. They thought Betty got pregnant on purpose, to trap him. But your parents went ahead with the wedding and things were okay, for a while.”

  When Martha thought back, she could recall pockets of her father’s kindness. Her first memory was of him scooping her in his arms and singing to her, on the beach. “Lilian?” she whispered.

  “He loved you, but Lilian was his own flesh and blood. They had an easier relationship.”

  “I always felt I had to fit to his ways,” Martha said. “I saw Mum changing to suit him, too.”

  “She wanted you all to be looked after.”

  Martha thought of her father’s rules, and his ways, and how all the women in the family clambered to please him. All except Zelda. “And my real father,” she said quietly. “Do you know who he was?”

  Zelda nodded. She waited for a while until she spoke. “There was a young man your mum loved dearly. His name was Daniel McLean.”

  Martha closed her eyes and saw the names on the mermaid’s plaque. “He died in the fishing accident.”

  Again, her nana bobbed her head. “Your mum was devastated. She’d only just found out she had a baby on the way when she lost him. Her grief for Daniel, and her worries for the baby, brought her to Thomas. He was solid and strong. He offered her the security she needed.”

  “But what about love?” Martha asked desperately.

  “It’s not always enough. Life’s not a fairy story.”

  Martha opened her mouth to argue, even though she understood. Her love for Joe hadn’t been enough for her to leave her parents.

  “Your mother loved Thomas, in her own way, but not how she loved Daniel,” Zelda added.

  “But you never told me that Thomas wasn’t my dad.”

  “That wasn’t my place.”

  Martha furrowed her brow. She rubbed the lines with her fingers. “What really happened to make you leave?”

  Zelda pressed a finger to her lips, taking a while to gather her thoughts. “Your mum and dad held an anniversary party.”

  “I remember I was too poorly to go. Dad’s awful boss was coming, and my other grandparents. I stayed in bed...”

  “Me and your dad had a huge row, and everything spiraled out of control. I drank too much and opened my big mouth. I told him he wasn’t your real father, in front of his family. It just slipped out. He threw me out and told me I was dead to the family.” She let her words hang in the air for a while. “He’d had enough.

  “I thought it was an exaggeration at first, something he said in the heat of the moment. But then Betty called to see me. Thomas had given her an ultimatum, him or me. And she had to make a choice. So, she told me that...that...” Her voice cracked.

  “That you were dead?”

  “To Thomas, I was. He said it, that night. Then he reinforced it. He told me to go and not come back. It was a terrible thing I did, Martha...”

  Martha held her hands to her face, clamping them over her eyes. She took a few deep breaths. “But you could have stood up to him, Zelda, ignored what he said. You could have fought back or let me know you were still alive. I believed him. I believed Mum.”

  “Things went too far...”

  “You could have done something.”

  Zelda shook her head. “No.”

  “Yes. you could.” Martha’s words tumbled out. “You always encouraged Mum to stand up to him, but you didn’t do it. You ran away.”

  Zelda tried to get out of her chair but couldn’t make it. “Now, just wait a minute, young lady—”

  “How did Lilian know?” Martha demanded.

  “She saw and heard everything, though I expect your parents tried to cover it up. They probably told her that I was drunk or said things to be spiteful.”

  “But, still.” Martha stumbled. She felt her back press against the window. She gripped the sill with her fingertips. “Everyone knew. Except me.”

  “I made a huge mistake. No matter what happened between us all, he loved you. Thomas was your father.”

  Martha hung her head. She took her time to speak. “Did you know that I met someone?” she asked quietly. “His name was Joe.”

  Zelda nodded. “Betty mentioned him. She got in touch, now and again. She gave me small updates.”

  “Behind Dad’s back?”

  “It was an agreement we had. I promised to stay away, not rock the boat by coming back. And she let me know that you and Lilian were okay.”

  Martha shook her head. “But Joe and I were going to have a future together. I gave it up to look after Mum and Dad. If I’d known my entire family was keeping a secret from me, things could have been so different.”

  “You stayed with them, because you’re a caring person. You made that decision.”

  “I might have made an alternative one.”

  “Or, you might have made the same one...”

  Martha let out a sob. She knew her nana was right. Even if she had known about Thomas, she would have stayed, to look after her mother. She’d have felt it was her duty. “Where did you go to, when you disappeared?” she asked desperately.

  “I told you. I went to Finland with Gina.”

  “You’re together, aren’t you? You always have been?”

  Zelda gave a tight smile. “Yes...for the longest time.”

  “I thought she was your carer.”

  “I never told you that.”

  Martha looked around her blindly, at this empty house full of family memories that she no longer recognized.

  Her nana, who’d she’d built up in her head to be some kind of fairy godmother, was just a normal, old woman. Who had lied.

  And she’d never even known her real dad.

  She had never felt more sapped of energy. “How did my copy of Blue Skies and Stormy Seas even end up with Owen?” she asked, her body sagging.

  Zelda swallowed. “It was just an error. Gina was clearing out some books. She put it in a box by mistake with some others, to give away.”

  Martha forced a laugh. “So, you didn’t even try to contact me? We found each other again, because of a mistake?”

  “It was only when I got back to England that I found out Thomas and Betty had died. I expected Betty still to be here. She wasn’t old. I was terribly ill for months, after my tumor...”

  Martha felt her head was about to burst. The room suddenly felt like a cage. The feelings she experienced with the reading group in the library surged over her again. Her brain pulsed and she couldn’t see clearly. Her vision flooded with red.

  I’ve got to get away from all this.

  When her eyes settled on her coat, she snatched it back up, off the table.

  “Where are you going?” Zelda asked.

  “Away from you. You were my best friend and I trusted you.”

  “You can’t go. Gina will be here in a few minutes.”

  “I don’t care about bloody Gina. You’re a liar, Nana. For all these years...”

  “No. I just didn’t tell you the truth.”

  “It’s the bloody same thing,” Martha yelled.

  She marched toward the front door and flung it open. A gust of wind lifted her stripy hair and, pulling her coat around her, she began to run.

  33

  Boat

  Not sure where she was fleeing to, or concerned that she’d left Zelda on her own, Martha automatically followed her morning route.

  Her feet pounded along the street and down the slope to the beach. She headed past the mermaid statue, not able to bear looking at Daniel’s name.

  Her father’s name.

  She pelted across the sand towards the teardrop-shaped cave, where she and Joe enjoyed laughter and picnics. When she reached
it, her breath came out in billows and her chest hurt. She slowed down to stare into the cavernous dark space. A tear ran down her cheek and she let it fall from her chin, onto her coat. The cave felt still and eerie, not the happy place where she and Zelda shared stories, or where Betty held Lilian’s hand. She pictured a dragon lurking at the back, in the shadows.

  Her head throbbed and she couldn’t process her thoughts. When she heard someone shouting on the beach, she darted inside the cave, where everything grew instantly quieter. The walls provided a barrier to the sound of the ocean and the wind whistling around outside. A strand of seaweed flew past the cave entrance and a piece of driftwood tumbled, making markings on the sand like a sidewinder.

  Staring around helplessly, Martha remembered back to the scorching hot day that she, Zelda, Betty and Lilian had escaped Thomas’s attention for a short while.

  “You lied to me, Zelda,” she shouted, and her words echoed around the cave and back at her. She felt a hollowness inside like nothing she’d felt before, as if her innards had been scooped out. Her skin felt raw and paper-thin. “Everyone lied to me,” she cried.

  As a child, she’d always felt there was something wrong in the family. She’d sensed the thing in the air so thick it felt like glue, but that she couldn’t see or fathom out. She hadn’t understood the coolness in Thomas’s eyes when he looked at her, or the tension between him and Betty, and with her nana. Or why he seemed to love Lilian more than her. But now she could.

  Yet her dad had been happy to let her care for him, and to give up her own chance of getting married and having children. And Betty had watched it happen, too, and had even begged Martha to stay, in a moment of desperation. Thomas had banished Zelda, and the Storm family knew and accepted it.

  Why did no one put up a fight?

  She wondered how Lilian felt, knowing that Martha was looking after a man who wasn’t her real father. Her sister had constructed her own family with Paul, Rose and Will, and not said a word.

  But the worst betrayal, for Martha, came from Zelda.

  She might have been declared dead by Thomas, but she left Sandshift knowing that Betty was indebted to her controlling husband. Her nana deserted the Storm family and left its secrets behind her.