Fender Lizards

by Joe R. Lansdale

  “So why make the offer?” Elbert said.

  “Because a good team can have a night off,” he said, “and a night off could cost me five thousand dollars.”

  “Ten,” Elbert said.

  “All right then,” Wilkins said. “Ten. But the way I’m talking, you and your team get a payday, and I keep most of what I’d pay out if you won. Thing is, though, I can be reasonably certain we’ll win, and you won’t get money. Also, there’s a hundred dollar entry fee. So you see I’m throwing you a bone with some meat still on it.”

  Elbert studied Mr. Wilkin a long time. Neither of them blinked. “All right,” Elbert said. He lifted his butt and took out his billfold, peeled some money out of it. Five twenties.

  “There’s the entry fee,” Elbert said, “but we’re not throwing any game.”

  “That’s actually the best choice for me,” Mr. Wilkin said. “That way, when my girls run over yours like road kill, I won’t be out nothing, and you’ll be as humiliated as if you all showed up to play in your boxer shorts and nothing else.”

  “We’re girls,” I said. “We don’t wear boxer shorts. Least I don’t.”

  “Whatever your undergarment situation,” Mr. Wilkin said. “It’s on now. I offered you a way out to save a little face, have my girls give you a little room, play light, let you go home with some money and all your teeth. But you bailed on that idea.”

  “We wouldn’t have it any other way,” Elbert said.

  Mr. Wilkin nodded. “Good. I’ll get a contract.”

  (40)

  On the way out to the car, Elbert, carrying our copy of the contract said, “I just talked you girls out of two thousand dollars, and me out of fifty dollars.”

  “Don’t forget the carnival tickets,” I said. “And if we had pushed, we might have gotten some free cotton candy.”

  “It is just an entertainment, not a true sport,” Elbert said. “We could probably go back and change the deal.”

  “Now, now,” I said. “That’s the beauty parlor robber and the liar talking.”

  “Attempted beauty parlor robber,” he said.

  “Elbert, I noticed on the contract it said everyone needed to be eighteen or older. Some of the girls are, but some are not. I would be in the ‘are not’ category.”

  “I know that,” he said, “and I hesitated to sign. I decided a carnival like this isn’t going to check birth certificates. Just promise me you won’t get killed, because if you do, until my dying day, I’ll say you forged my name to that contract, and you won’t be here to contradict me.”

  “I promise,” I said.

  When we got to my car, I paused at the hood of it, looked at Elbert. “Way I see it, if I can go out there, if all us girls can go out there, give it all we got, it’ll make us feel like we’re not just hanging out until we get knocked up. Except for Gay, of course. She won’t be hanging around at all.”

  “You want to be like Rocky, show you’re not just another bum in the neighborhood,” Elbert said.

  “That the movie about the boxer?” I said.

  “Yep.”

  “Okay,” I said, moving around to the driver’s side of the car, “that’s what I want. To be like Rocky, show I’m not just another bum in the neighborhood. Course, if we lose, maybe I’ll wish we took the deal.”

  “I hear that,” Elbert said, climbing inside the car.

  When I was sitting behind the wheel, and Elbert was in his seat, I said, “You know what really worries me?”

  “What?” Elbert said.

  “We’ve never actually played against anyone but some Cub Scouts.”

  “I have a similar concern,” Elbert said.

  (41)

  That night we met at the Dairy Bob. Bob had hired a few more part-time girls to skate, and had even hired a guy as well. He wasn’t being the sexist Bob I knew and loved so well, which meant, of course, he was desperate.

  There were two women there waiting on us. They were wearing shorts and halter tops. They were nice looking girls, but older than us, maybe by five years. One was sitting on the counter chewing gum. Bob never let anyone sit on the counter, but he didn’t say anything to this girl. She was dark haired and strong looking, like she could tie a tire iron in a knot. The other girl was dishwater blonde, tall, well over six foot, and because of that she looked thin, but wasn’t. She was muscular. She was leaning against the wall like she was waiting for something to come by that she could kill and eat. Between them, they had enough tattoos for the entire U.S. Navy and about half the Coast Guard and a biker club.

  Elbert was there with us. The Dairy Bob was closed. It never closed, so that was odd unto itself. The lights were off outside. A car came up and circled, parked, and sat there. Bob went out and said something to them and they went away.

  While he was outside we looked at the two new girls, and they looked at us. They made me want to look away.

  When Bob came back in, he went to one of the boxes and opened it. He pulled out new head gear, shin guards, elbow pads.

  “This here stuff will keep you from getting hurt,” he said. “It’s better than that stuff you got.”

  “Promise?” said Gay.

  “I guess I ought to say it will keep you from getting hurt as bad as you might,” Bob said.

  “Not what I wanted to hear,” Gay said.

  He took out an example of each. He said, “There ought to be all the right sizes. When it’s all over, I want this stuff back.”

  “What, we can’t wear it to the shopping mall or on dates?” Sue said.

  “Funny,” Bob said.

  He opened the other box. He pulled out some very green tee-shirts with yellow letters that read: FENDER LIZARDS. Below that in slightly smaller letters were the words: Eat at the Dairy Bob.

  “That’s our colors,” he said. “Green and yellow. The carnival team, if I have the right information, wears red and black.”

  “Red for the blood of their enemies,” said Raylynn, “black for the color of their hearts.”

  “That’s about right,” said the tall girl in the corner.

  We all looked at her.

  “Did these girls come out of a box too?” I asked.

  “These two ladies,” Bob said, “are what you call ringers. Meaning they actually know how to play the game. They were with an Austin league that went out of business.”

  “Did you not win enough?” Sue said to the tall girl.

  “Unsportsmanlike behavior,” said the tall girl. “Excessive force.”

  “Oh,” Sue said.

  “I read about them online,” Bob said. “I’m paying them a salary for playing with you girls. They don’t get a slice of the prize should you win.”

  “Good luck with that,” said the girl on the counter. “These girls you’ll be playing, they used to be a real league. We’ve played with some of them when they were out of Austin too. Thing is, not enough roller derby fans, so they had to go to work with the carnival.”

  “If we can’t win,” Gay said, “what’s the point?”

  “You play because you can,” the tall girl said. “You play because in that moment when you’re out there, and you got true competition, it’s pretty rad.”

  “Okay,” I said. “Okay. You know, we really don’t know how to play this game. We know the rules, but we’ve mostly been training against Cub Scouts.”

  “That’s why we’re here,” the tall one said. “They call me Lightning Strike. This here,” she motioned toward the dark-haired girl, “is Thunder Bomb.”

  “Your mothers certainly had interesting ideas for names,” Gay said.

  “Those are our handles for roller derby,” Thunder Bomb said, glaring at Gay, who stepped back a couple of steps, “and they’ll do.”

  “Certainly,” I said.

  “We’re all fine with that,” Elbert said.

  “What we’re going to do,” Lightning Strike said, “is we’re going to go to that roller rink, and we’re going to cram, so that tomorrow night, right b
efore you lose, they will think maybe you actually had done this a time or two.”

  “Tonight,” Gay said.

  “Yeah,” Bob said, “tonight. I got all kind of money tied up in this. It could be great for business.”

  “And the girls wear shorts,” I said.

  “There’s that,” he said.

  (42)

  It was rougher than the Cub Scouts. Lightning Strike and Thunder Bomb couldn’t skate any faster than us, or maybe not any better, but they could skate more sneaky-like. They could look like they were going to do one thing, then they’d do the other.

  Way they set it up was the five of us were to skate around them. We couldn’t, not at first. They hit us with elbows, tripped us, bounced their hips against us and sent us flying. I was glad I had on all that armor and a mouthpiece.

  Gay got elbowed into the center of the rink where Elbert, serving as coach and referee, sat in a chair. It was a good blow and sent her rolling, throwing her mouthpiece to the sky. When she came up on her feet she was holding her jaw. She yelled, “That’s got to be against the rules.”

  Thunder Bomb, who was skating past when Gay called out, spun on her skate, gliding right up against Gay. She stuck her nose against Gay’s nose. I stopped and watched.

  “Yeah, what rules there are,” Thunder Bomb said, “I guess that’s against it. If you get caught, or the referee decides to say something.”

  Thunder Bomb looked at Elbert.

  “Didn’t see a thing,” Elbert said.

  “What?” Gay said. “If she’d knocked me any harder or higher, I’d have had been served peanuts on that flight.”

  Elbert shrugged.

  “Roller derby is played to be rough,” Thunder Bomb said.

  By this time Lightning Strike had skated up too. We all had. Lightning Strike skated up close to Gay.

  “Rules are made to be broken,” Lightning Strike said. “Like bones.”

  I glide in close then. “But not our bones,” I said. “Gay is our teammate, and you will play less rough.”

  “Yeah,” said Lightning Strike. She gave me a look that curled the hairs in my nose.

  “Yeah,” I said. It came out more like a cough.

  Lightning Strike grinned. “Now you’re learning. Team work. It’s all about the team. You understand? You protect your team. Now, all of you get back on the track so I can run you over.”

  “What happened to it’s all about the team?” I said.

  Lightning Strike and Thunder Bomb grinned.

  “Do that to me again,” Gay said to Thunder Bomb, “and I will hit you so hard they’ll find your body when they first put a human on Mars.”

  “That’s right,” Thunder Bomb said. “Get tough.”

  Thunder Bomb turned and started skating around the rink.

  Gay looked at me. “I shouldn’t have said that about hitting her, should I?”

  “I don’t blame you,” I said.

  “Yeah, but now I’m scared to get back on the track,” Gay said. “She has a mean streak.”

  “Your choice,” I said. “But me, I’m out to win this thing.”

  I got back on the track and started skating. When I looked over my shoulder, Gay was skating after me, pushing her mouthpiece into place.

  It was maybe three in the morning when we quit. We ran all manner of drills. We even managed to get by Thunder Bomb and Lightning Strike a few times, the result being only some black eyes and bruises and a darker view of humanity.

  Out in the lot as I was loading my gear into the car, I saw Elbert walking toward his van. I went over to him.

  “I’m glad you didn’t go,” I said.

  “Thanks,” he said. “You mean it?”

  “I appreciate what you’re doing, but I still think pretending to be my uncle was a dirty trick,” I said.

  Elbert nodded. “It was.”

  “But I’m glad you did it,” I said.

  “You know what,” Elbert said. “Me too.”

  “Where you staying?” I said.

  “In the van, as always,” he said.

  “Do you want to park in our yard?”

  “Does your mother know about me?”

  “Yep.”

  “Is she mad?”

  “Yep,” I said. “She is. But you know what?”

  “What?” he said.

  “It’ll pass.”

  (43)

  When I woke up the next morning, I felt as if I had been folded and stuffed in a space too small. I could hardly get out of bed. Grandma had already abandoned the room. I got up and went to the bathroom and took a long hot shower. That loosened me up some.

  Dressed, I went to the kitchen. I was surprised to see Mama and Grandma and Frank all sitting together with Elbert at the table.

  I said, “Mama, what you doing off work?”

  “It’s my day off,” she said. “Now and again they give me one, and all I have to do on that day is feel guilty. It’s what they expect.”

  “Oh,” I said. “Yeah, okay. I haven’t been keeping up.”

  Frank looked at me. He said, “Elbert says you’re going to kick some ass tonight.”

  “Don’t talk like that,” Mama said.

  “You’re gonna lose some teeth, is what I figure,” Grandma said.

  “Thanks, Grandma,” I said. “Thanks for the support.”

  “Just saying,” she said.

  “Me and your mother,” Elbert said, “we been talking. I like to think she understands where I’m coming from, why I did what I did.”

  “I do,” said Mama to Elbert, “but I still don’t like it. That said, I forgive you.”

  She looked at Elbert and smiled. And I knew something then. She liked him, and not just as a relative. It was kind of shocking that I was just now noticing it. I think it had been in the air all along, but she had thought of him as her husband’s brother, now that she knew he wasn’t and Dad wasn’t coming back… Well, she had a different outlook. I could see it in her eyes. I almost laughed. I wasn’t sure if I liked it, or if the idea made me a little ill.

  I looked at Frank. “How was Bible Camp?”

  “It was all right,” he said.

  “You’re going to need to eat a hearty breakfast, Dot,” Mama said. “A decent lunch, and a light supper. I’ll bring some snacks for you and the girls.”

  “You’re going to watch?” I said.

  “We all are,” Mama said.

  “Even you, Grandma?” I asked.

  “Might as well,” Grandma said. “TV isn’t that good tonight. But I figure I won’t like it. Just warning you. The only sport I like is horseshoes.”

  “I consider myself warned,” I said.

  “You sit down,” Mama said. “Today I’m going to fix you breakfast, and you’re going to take it easy and relax.”

  “All right,” I said.

  I sat down. I looked at Elbert. He looked at me, and slowly smiled.

  (44)

  Time came.

  It was a bright night, the stars as sharp as pin-points. The sky looked soft as a kitten’s fur. The moon was full. We were inside a big circus tent, but for some reason it was wide open at the peak, a large flap thrown back, and the stars and the moon seemed to be falling through the opening.

  I was on my skates, standing in the center of the rink, looking up, perhaps hoping for divine help. I looked down, studied the rink. It was a more rickety rink than the one we had been practicing on. It moved when you moved. It squeaked like a mouse and groaned like a bear. It had a collision rail all around it, and the rail was wrapped in padding and the padding was wrapped with duct tape. The railing looked well used, like many a body had been thrown against it. The center was open and the ground was visible. There was a big canister of Gator Aid on a table at both ends of the opening; one for each team. There were benches and chairs for both teams when we took a break.

  What astounded me was how full the stands were; Elbert said it was because a lot of the people followed the team. That some of them
had come from as far as Amarillo. I could see people holding pink, spun cotton candy, popcorn bags, peanuts, and there was the noise of candy boxes being shook and feet being shuffled, and people talking and laughing. Straws sucked at sodas. Young children cried or laughed, or just made noise to hear their selves do it. Two teenagers started throwing cups of soft drinks, tossing candies. Someone yelled at them and they quit. It all seemed so loud, as if I was sitting in the stands with them. The air was full of smells, the food and sodas, and the stink of animals. The tent had probably been bought for the carnival from a circus. The aroma of elephants and lions and monkeys and human sweat had soaked into it, tucked in deep when the tent was folded, released now that it was unwrapped. It wasn’t a smell that was ever going to totally slip away. The tent and everything under it smelled funky and amazing all at the same time.

  Actually, I was a little ripe myself, having, along with the rest of our team, made a few laps around the rink just to get a feel. It wobbled some. I wobbled some myself. I felt weak-kneed.

  I could see Mama and Grandma and Frank and Herb in a front row. They waved at me. I looked for High Top and Dad, but didn’t see either one.

  I watched as everyone on our team finished their laps and we all gathered in the center with Elbert, who had a towel clutched in both fists, twisting it into a tight coil of cloth.

  We hadn’t seen the opposing team yet, but Bob had gone back to see if he could get a glimpse before they came into the tent. It probably didn’t matter, but Bob wanted to know what we were up against.

  “Sit down,” Elbert said.

  The five of us girls sat on the bench, our two ringers sat in the chairs. Elbert looked us over.

  “All right, girls,” he said. “Fender Lizards. This is the big one. I thought it might be a good idea to give you names.”

  “Names?” Gay said. She was sporting a black eye from last night when she caught the elbow, and frankly, I was surprised she was still with us.

  Elbert nodded. “Yeah. We got Thunder Bomb and Lightning Strike here, and when the other team comes out, they’ll read their names off, and they’ll all have nicknames. I thought if we said Gay and Dot and Raylynn and Sue, it lacked a certain something. So I’ve written down the names I’m going to turn in. Dot, you’re Jet. That’s because you skate fast. Gay, Helen of Destroy.”