by Kate McLay
Had Alyssa ever thought that her mother was right? She had had plenty of gay friends in college, and obviously Martha was married to a woman. She had a gay roommate. Not that she would tell her mother. But her family was conservative, and liked things to remain the way they were.
Alyssa knew that at one time that had seemed sensible. And she was still learning to accept things that she had never seen before moving to the city. But she could not condemn anyone for who they loved. Just because she was straight, just because she had never had a boyfriend, and just because she had a cute gay roommate didn't give her the right to judge people.
Why did she keep obsessing over how cute Hannah was?
"Alyssa, are you there?" Her mom asked.
"Sorry. And I'm not going to quit my job. It's a great place. And it is 2016, gay marriage is legal, gay people exist. They're not going to go away. I think you're going to have to learn to live with that." It was as close as she could come to challenging her mother. Maybe one day Mrs. Barnes would evolve on the issue.
"I've lived with it. I've seen what they can –" Mrs. Barnes didn't finish her thought. "I'm so glad I'll get to see you in a couple of months. I miss you. I love you. Your dad misses you too."
Yes, Alyssa was curious about what she meant by her comment about gay people. But asking would get her nowhere. She was supposed to honor her parents, not question them. "I'm glad I'll get to see you, too. I've gotta go now. I love you. Bye."
She hung up the phone without letting her mother drag her into a longer conversation. Had Alyssa changed so much? Her mother's comments didn't use to sting. But now when she spoke like that about a whole group of people who weren't hurting anyone, who were just living their lives, it felt almost... personal? She didn't know why. She didn't care to think about it.
The front door opened and Hannah came in. Alyssa smiled, glad she was no longer alone with her thoughts. Maybe Hannah would make her feel better.
Chapter Ten
It was hard to believe how quickly time was passing. Hannah had already been in her new home for three weeks and things were going well. Alyssa was neat, but she wasn't a clean freak. And she liked to cook. Her concoctions meant that Hannah wasn't forced to live off of Ramen or cereal or anything else equally simple.
They hadn't gone back to the bar, but they had taken to walking around the block together a few times a week. There was a nice park a few blocks away and it was pleasant to sit there and chat when the weather gave them a break. Chicago winter seemed to never end. But it hadn't snowed in a while and the temperatures were merely chilly.
Hannah even thought that she might invite Alyssa to one of her shows. That was, if she could line something up. She hadn't performed in a few weeks. And her last paying gig had been two months before that. There might have been something stereotypical about a struggling artist waiting tables, but if it meant that she could pay her bills, Hannah wasn't embarrassed.
And her boss was cool, willing to schedule around her infrequent performances. He also let her post flyers to promote her events. He was showing that coolness again tonight. A friend of a friend of a brother of a coworker needed a hand. She owned a small club in the city and needed a singer at the last minute.
Hannah got the text halfway through her shift. And her boss, Finn, told her to seize the day.
She almost texted Alyssa, but the performance was at a lesbian bar and she did not want to scare her precious roommate. The inconvenient attraction hadn't gone away. She had expected it to fade, had counted on it fading. Instead it only grew.
On one hand she was glad. This crush – or whatever it was – was keeping her mind off Morgan. Maybe it was helping her get over Morgan. She didn't wallow in self-pity or spend hours upon hours thinking of what could have been done different to save their relationship.
Did that make her a horrible person?
She wasn't torn up, but should have been. Except for the cheating, Morgan had been a great girlfriend. And all Hannah could think was that she was glad she was single when she met Alyssa. Not that she would make a move on her, but it meant she didn't need to be guilty about dreaming about her. And holy hell did she dream. Her cheeks warmed as an image from her subconscious reverie rose in her mind. She quashed it quickly. That was something she did not want to think about in public.
By the time she made it to the club she had managed to push away all thoughts of what she did to dream Alyssa. She met with the manager and got her instructions on where to set up. Her set wouldn't be long. She was filling in for an opening act, not the main band. But that was okay, she was getting paid to do what she loved. What could be better than that?
When the time rolled around, she took to the stage and grabbed her guitar, strumming out a few notes. The room didn't get quiet, not that she expected it to, this was a nightclub. So Hannah started singing. It wasn't an original number. No one here knew her, they didn't know what to expect. She needed to lull them into a comfort zone before springing anything new on them.
Most of the patrons were women. But there were a few men in the crowd and others of ambiguous gender. For the most part they all blended into one mass of people. Hannah had never suffered from stage fright, all of those coping techniques that she had heard about had never made sense to her. She didn't need to focus on her audience. They were the ones who needed to focus on her.
But a cute redhead near the stage did catch your eye. And it wasn't because her hair was the same color as Alyssa's. It wasn't, really. In the middle of a song she didn't have enough brain space to keep trying to deny it. But the redhead kept making eyes at her and, feeling flirtatious, Hannah winked.
Her set ended with applause. Though the clapping grew to deafening proportions when the headliners took the stage. Hannah planned to get a drink before going home. But she wanted to make it an early night. She and Alyssa were supposed to go to Navy Pier in the morning.
And then the redhead found her. Close up, she really didn't look anything like Alyssa. She was a few years older, her cheeks were fuller, and her eyes were brown. She was also short, only coming up to Hannah's chin. But she knew how to walk, swaying her hips from side to side as she approached Hannah, and looking at her with heat in her eyes. Sure, Hannah wasn't looking for a relationship. But this girl looked like she'd be up for a little fun.
"I liked your songs." She said, offering a hand. "I'm Chantal."
Hannah shook it and smiled, the compliment making her glow. "Hannah Duncan. Nice to meet you."
Chantal eased in next to Hannah, brushing a hip against hers and following that up with her hand, so that there could be no mistaking her intention. "I was going to offer to buy you a drink."
Hannah held up her beer. "That's a shame. I'm a sucker for free alcohol."
Chantal laughed. "Then I guess you'll just need to wait around. There's always time for more."
And she was right. One drink turned into two more and after an hour or so, Hannah and Chantal were leaning close, their foreheads practically touching. Chantal leaned in, brushing her lips against Hannah's before reaching around and lacing her fingers through Hannah's short dark hair. Hannah didn't resist. The kiss was pleasant; Chantal knew what she was doing. And Hannah liked kissing.
But that was the problem. It was merely pleasant. Chantal was cute, available, and into her. They could leave right now and Hannah knew that she would wake up in the morning well sexed. Except it would only be sex. She and Chantal would go their separate ways with nothing more than a good time between them.
That wasn't what Hannah was looking for. That wasn't what she wanted.
Chantal wasn't who she wanted.
Oh crap.
She pulled back and could feel that the smile on her lips was sad. Chantal understood it too. "You got a girlfriend?"
Hannah shook her head, "No."
"Boyfriend?" Chantal didn't exactly scowl, but the words sounded unpleasant on her lips.
Hannah smiled, "No."
"So you want to get out
of here then?" They both knew what the answer would be.
"No." Chantal didn't need another denial. She gave Hannah a hug and then disappeared into the crowd without another word. Hannah closed out her tab and left, tired of the club and wanting to go home. She had a lot of things to think about.
Most importantly, Hannah was falling for her roommate. So what was she going to do about it?
Chapter Eleven
The day was almost over when Martha dropped by her office. Alyssa had been working like mad to get the Canadian content ready. But she wasn't ready to present it to her boss. So she might've been panicking a little.
"How's it coming along?" Martha asked, standing in the doorway.
"Good. Good.” Alyssa said, trying to sound confident. “I think I'll have something for you next week. We will, I mean." She'd assembled a team and they were all working together. She might have gone crazy if it weren't for Hannah making sure that she stepped back from this project every so often. Hannah was a lifesaver.
Martha smiled. "Great! But that's not why I'm here."
Oh, thank goodness. Alyssa was not ready to talk this out yet. "What's up?"
Martha held up a piece of paper the size of an index card. There was gold lettering across the top but Alyssa could not read it from behind her desk. Martha set it down and said, "I'm giving a speech at this LGBT dinner late next month. It's one of those trans women in business things. If you're not busy, I'd like you to come."
"Well... Well... Um... I'm not gay or trans," she stammered. She’d known Martha was gay, but not that she was trans. Though that probably explained her height.
Martha didn't take offense and she still smiled. "They're not going to check your credentials at the door. I understand if you can't make it. But either way, let's talk before then. I've got some stuff I'd like to go over with you."
That wasn't ominous or anything. Alyssa just nodded and Martha went away. Alyssa finished up the rest of her work and was out the door by 6:30. It was Friday night and she had the whole weekend ahead her.
She called out a greeting when she got home, expecting Hannah to answer back. But the apartment was silent except for the sound of cars driving by outside. Alyssa went into her room to change out of her work clothes and into a pair of sweats, but when she sat down on her bed, the soft mattress was too tempting and she fell backwards and closed her eyes.
She curled up into a little ball and promised herself that she would just take a little nap. When Hannah got home, they'd hang out and she'd be plenty rested so that the two of them could talk or dance the night away.
Just an hour, she thought. So convinced of her own discipline, she didn't even set an alarm clock.
Alyssa always had vivid dreams. Her nightmares used to wake her up screaming as a child, and in her pleasant dreams she could feel the warm wind in her hair and smell the bright red roses. This dream wasn't either of those, though it was becoming familiar in its own weird way.
She was back in high school. It was the night of the last football game before the championship and she was trying to get to the pep rally in the gym. The halls stretched long before her, dotted with bright green lockers. But there was no one in sight, only posters and lockers and a few papers scattered on the floor. Alyssa could hear the students in the gym, but it was distant, like they were miles off.
Alyssa was supposed to be there. Her friends and family were there waiting for her. She was expected. But every hallway she turned down was unfamiliar. She'd attended Hamilton High for four years, but now the layout was completely foreign.
There was a chill in the air and it raised goosebumps on her skin. Alyssa looked around, but she couldn't see anything that would make it so cold.
She heard footsteps and sped up, trying to find their source. Just as she turned a corner, she caught a glimpse of a shadow, just out of sight. She kept walking, trying to catch up. But the halls stretched and stretched.
And then she turned and suddenly she wasn't at school anymore.
She was in Hannah's bedroom. And Hannah was sitting on her bed, wearing only a white bra and lace panties. She looked up at Alyssa with a sly smile on her face, her hair slicked back behind one ear. "I'm cold," she said. "Warm me up?"
This was where it got weird. Where Alyssa was assaulted with the strangest sense of deja vu. She didn't know she was dreaming, but she felt like she'd been here before. Like she'd seen Hannah naked like this before, begging to be touched.
And now Alyssa didn't have an reservations about her sexuality. She didn't care about what experience she did or did not have. All she saw was Hannah, all she wanted was Hannah.
So she took her.
Alyssa crossed the room, the distance shrinking under her feet. Before she could even think, she was on Hannah's bed, her fingers twining through Hannah's hair. Their lips met in an explosion of taste and passion. It was soft and bright. It ratcheted up Alyssa's heartbeat until she could barely think, sweat beading on her warm skin.
And then Hannah was lying back and Alyssa was crawling on top of her, straddling her waist. Hannah's hands worked at the buckle of Alyssa's jeans, unzipping her and getting them closer.
Hannah's fingers brushed against Alyssa's sex and she gasped.
Alyssa woke up with a start and her cheeks fired red when she realized that it was her own hand digging in her pants. She yanked it out and wiped it against her sheet, the moisture belying something she didn't want to acknowledge. That wasn't the first time she'd had a dream like that.
They'd been building steadily over the last few weeks. It had all seemed innocent at first, she and Hannah walking in the park, just like they did when they were awake. And then it was she and Hannah holding hands. But Alyssa had brushed that off. Friends held hands all the time, that wasn't weird. Then there was hugging, but they were girls. Girls hugged all the time.
And three nights ago, she and her dream version of Hannah had kissed for the first time.
Alyssa didn't know what to think. She was straight, she had always known that. Even during college at an extremely open, all women school she’d never been attracted to another woman. So what was going on? Was this some sort of late blossoming of her sexuality? Was she projecting this all onto Hannah because there were no guys around? Was it stress?
Alyssa sat up and looked at the clock. When she read the time she gasped. It was nearly 1AM. She'd slept for hours, in fact she'd slept more than she slept most weeknights.
One thing was certain, she couldn't go back to sleep. She was terrified of what would happen in her dreams.
She didn't masturbate, not ever. It was wrong. What kind of girl woke up with her hand in her underwear while she had lewd dreams about her lesbian roommate?
Alyssa liked Hannah. She liked hanging out with her, and she thought she was cute, sure. That was just objective fact. And there wasn't anyone else in the city that she'd clicked with. Not as naturally as she'd clicked with Hannah.
But she wasn't gay. It was that simple. No matter what her weird dreams tried to say.
She knew she wasn't gay. How could she be? She would have known before now. Right? No one made it to twenty-three without gay thoughts. She wasn't that repressed.
Alyssa groaned, tension gathering in her neck and starting to threaten a headache. She needed water and to calm down. This would all make sense in the morning.
Chapter Twelve
Alyssa was guzzling down water when Hannah stumbled out of her room.
"It's one a.m., are you alright?" Hannah asked, her hair a mess, wearing a blue tank top and short black running shorts. It was March, why wasn't she freezing? Maybe she was, her breasts were outlined by the soft cotton and Alyssa could see Hannah's stiff nipples peeking out.
No, she wasn't looking at that. She wasn't thinking about that dream and what she'd done.
"I'm fine," Alyssa replied, "I just had a night..." she couldn't call it a nightmare. Nightmares didn't feel that good. She set down her glass and sat down on the couch.
Hannah joined her. "Oh, that sucks. Must have been a bad one to keep you up." She was sitting too close, their sides practically touching. Alyssa could smell the sweet berry scent of Hannah's shampoo.
"It was kind of weird," Alyssa admitted. "Unexpected."
"Want to tell me about it?" Hannah had positioned herself to face Alyssa, but Alyssa couldn't bear to look at her.
"No!" The denial came out much more forcefully than intended, but she was raw. She didn't want to slip up and say something that she couldn't take back.
Alyssa was looking ahead, but she could see Hannah's eyes narrow out of the corner of her own. Hannah clapped her hands together loudly, "Okay, I have the guaranteed, 100% doctor approved method for making you feel better and helping you sleep."
It was obvious that Alyssa was being weird now and Hannah just wanted to help. She looked over at her friend, skepticism clear. "And what's that?"
Hannah rubbed her hands together, "Get on the ground and I'll show you. No hints."
Maybe Alyssa should have questioned it. But she slid off the edge of the couch and leaned her back against it.
"Now lay down on your stomach and close your eyes." Hannah was still on the couch and there was a small part of Alyssa that was concerned that Hannah was pulling some weird prank.
But that wasn't enough to stop Alyssa from complying. She laid down flat on her stomach, resting her arms at her sides. "Now what? If you splash me with something, I won't forgive you."
She heard Hannah move and could feel her settling down beside her on her knees. "No, I'm not going to splash you. I just want to loosen you up."
Hannah's fingers pressed into the flesh of her back, only the thin cotton of her t-shirt keeping them from making contact with her skin. Alyssa unconsciously tensed. She wasn't used to being touched by her friends, and she'd never been touched after a dream like that. "Am I really that bad?" she asked as Hannah kneaded at her muscles. It felt strange. Alyssa had never had a massage before and it hurt a lot more than she expected. One second Alyssa was hissing while Hannah worked out a tight knot, the next she was biting back a moan as the muscle released.
