The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole, Aged 13¾ (1982)

by Sue Townsend

  Wednesday January 21st

  Mr and Mrs Lucas are getting a divorce! They are the first down our road. My mother went next door to comfort Mr Lucas. He must have been very upset because she was still there when my father came home from work. Mrs Lucas has gone somewhere in a taxi. I think she has left for ever because she has taken her socket set with her. Poor Mr Lucas, now he will have to do his own washing and stuff.

  My father cooked the tea tonight. We had boil-in-the-bag curry and rice, it was the only thing left in the freezer apart from a bag of green stuff which has lost its label. My father made a joke about sending it to the public health inspector. My mother didn’t laugh. Perhaps she was thinking about poor Mr Lucas left on his own.

  I went to see old Mr Baxter after tea. My father dropped me off on his way to play badminton. Mr Baxter’s house is hard to see from the road. It has got a massive overgrown privet hedge all round it. When I knocked on the door a dog started barking and growling and jumping up at the letter-box. I heard the sound of bottles being knocked over and a man swearing before I ran off. I hope I got the wrong number.

  I saw Nigel on the way home. He told me Pandora’s father is a milkman! I have gone off her a bit.

  Nobody was in when I got home so I fed the dog, looked at my spots and went to bed.

  Thursday January 22nd

  It is a dirty lie about Pandora’s father being a milkman! He is an accountant at the dairy. Pandora says she will duff Nigel up if he goes round committing libel. I am in love with her again.

  Nigel has asked me to go to a disco at the youth club tomorrow night; it is being held to raise funds for a new packet of ping-pong balls. I don’t know if I will go because Nigel is a punk at weekends. Hismother lets him be one providing he wears a string vest under his bondage T–shirt.

  My mother has got an interview for a job. She is practising her typing and not doing any cooking. So what will it be like if she gets the job? My father should put his foot down before we are a broken home.

  Friday January 23rd

  That is the last time I go to a disco. Everybody there was a punk except me and Rick Lemon, the youth leader. Nigel was showing off all night. He ended up putting a safety pin through his ear. My father had to take him to the hospital in our car. Nigel’s parents haven’t got a car because his father’s got a steel plate in his head and his mother is only four feet eleven inches tall. It’s not surprising Nigel has turned out bad really, with a maniac and a midget for parents.

  I still haven’t heard from Malcolm Muggeridge. Perhaps he is in a bad mood. Intellectuals like him and me often have bad moods. Ordinary people don’t understand us and say we are sulking, but we’re not.

  Pandora has been to see Nigel in hospital. He has got a bit of blood poisoning from the safety pin. Pandora thinks Nigel is dead brave. I think he is dead stupid.

  I have had a headache all day because of my mother’s rotten typing, but I’m not complaining. I must go to sleep now. I’ve got to go and see Bert Baxter tomorrow at his house. It was the right number WORSE LUCK!

  Saturday January 24th

  Today was the most terrible day of my life. My mother has got a job doing her rotten typing in an insurance office! She starts on Monday! Mr Lucas works at the same place. He is going to give her a lift every day.

  And my father is in a bad mood—he thinks his big-end is going.

  But worst of all, Bert Baxter is not a nice old age pensioner! He drinks and smokes and has an alsatian dog called Sabre. Sabre was locked in the kitchen while I was cutting the massive hedge, but he didn’t stop growling once.

  But even worse than that! Pandora is going out with Nigel!!!!! I think I will never get over this shock.

  Sunday January 25th

  Third after Epiphany

  10 AM. I am ill with all the worry, too weak to write much. Nobody has noticed I haven’t eaten any breakfast.

  2 PM. Had two junior aspirins at midday and rallied a bit. Perhaps when I am famous and my diary is discovered people will understand the torment of being a 13¾-year-old undiscovered intellectual. 6 PM Pandora! My lost love!

  Now I will never stroke your treacle hair! (Although my blue felt-tip is still at your disposal.)

  8 PM. Pandora! Pandora! Pandora! w PM. Why? Why? Why?

  Midnight. Had a crab-paste sandwich and a satsuma (for the good of my skin). Feel a bit better. I hope Nigel falls off his bike and is squashed flat by a lorry. I will never speak to him again. He knew I was in love with Pandora! If I’d had a racing bike for Christmas instead of a lousy digital stereo alarm clock, none of this would have happened.

  Monday January 26th

  I had to leave my sick-bed to visit Bert Baxter before school. It took me ages to get there, what with feeling weak and having to stop for a rest every now and again, but with the help of an old lady who had a long black moustache I made it to the front door. Bert Baxter was in bed but he threw the key down and I let myself in. Sabre was locked in the bathroom; he was growling and sounded as if he was ripping up towels or something.

  Bert Baxter was lying in a filthy-looking bed smoking a cigarette, there was a horrible smell in the room, I think it came from Bert Baxter himself. The bed sheets looked as though they were covered in blood, but Bert said that was caused by the beetroot sandwiches he always eats last thing at night. It was the most disgusting room I have ever seen (and I’m no stranger to squalor). Bert Baxter gave me ten pence and asked me to get him the Morning Star from thenewsagent’s. So he is a communist as well as everything else! Sabre usually fetches the paper but he is being kept in as a punishment for chewing the sink.

  The man in the newsagent’s asked me to give Bert Baxter his bill (he owes for his papers, £31.97), but when I did Bert Baxter said, ‘Smarmy four-eyed git’, and laughed and ripped the bill up. I was late for school so I had to go to the school secretary’s office and have my name put in the late book. That’s the gratitude I get for being a Good Samaritan! I didn’t miss Maths either! Saw Pandora and Nigel standing close together in the dinner queue but chose to ignore them.

  Mr Lucas has taken to his bed because of being deserted so my mother is taking care of him when she finishes work. She is the only person he will see. So when will she find time to look after me and my father?

  My father is sulking. I think he must be jealous because Mr Lucas doesn’t want to see him.

  Midnight. Goodnight Pandora my treacle-haired love.

  XXXXXXXXX

  Tuesday January 27th

  Art was dead good today. I painted a lonely boy standing on a bridge. The boy had just lost his first love to his ex-best friend. The ex-best friend was struggling in the torrential river. The boy was watching his ex-best friend drown. The ex-best friend looked abit like Nigel. The boy looked a bit like me. Ms Fossington-Gore said my picture ‘had depth’, so did the river. Ha! Ha! Ha!

  Wednesday January 28th

  Last Quarter

  I woke up with a bit of a cold this morning. I asked my mother for a note to excuse me from Games. She said she refused to namby-pamby me a day longer! How would she like to run about on a muddy field in the freezing drizzle, dressed only in PE shorts and a singlet? When I was in the school sports day three-legged race last year she came to watch me, and she had her fur coat on and she put a blanket round her legs, and it was only June! Anyway my mother is sorry now, we had rugger and my PE stuff was so full of mud that it has clogged up the drain hose on the washing machine.

  The vet rang up to demand that we come and fetch the dog back from his surgery. It has been there nine days. My father says it will have to stay there until he gets paid tomorrow. The vet only takes cash and my father hasn’t got any.

  Pandora! Why?

  Thursday January 29th

  The stupid dog is back. I am not taking it for a walk until its hair grows back on its shaved paws. My father looked pale when he came home from the vet’s, he kept saying ‘It’s money down the drain’, and he said that from now on the dog can
only be fed on leftovers from his plate.

  This means the dog will soon starve.

  Friday January 30th

  That filthy commie Bert Baxter has phoned the school to complain that I left the hedge-clippers out in the rain! He claims that they have gone all rusty. He wants compensation. I told Mr Scruton, the headmaster, that they were already rusty but I could tell he didn’t believe me. He gave me a lecture on how hard it was for old people to make ends meet. He has ordered me to go to Bert Baxter’s and clean and sharpen the hedge-clippers. I wanted to tell the headmaster all about horrible Bert Baxter but there is something about Mr Scruton that makes my mind go blank. I think it’s the way his eyes pop out when he is in a temper.

  On the way to Bert Baxter’s I saw my mother and Mr Lucas coming out of a betting shop together. I waved and shouted but I don’t think they could have seen me. I’m glad Mr Lucas is feeling better.

  Bert Baxter didn’t answer the door. Perhaps he is dead.

  Pandora! You are still on my mind, baby.

  Saturday January 31st

  It is nearly February and I have got nobody to send a Valentine’s Day card to.

  Sunday February 1st

  Fourth after Epiphany

  There was a lot of shouting downstairs late last night. The kitchen waste-bin was knocked over and the back door kept being slammed. I wish my parents would be a bit more thoughtful. I have been through an emotional time and I need my sleep. Still I don’t expect them to understand what it is like being in love. They have been married for fourteen-and-a-half years.

  Went to Bert Baxter’s this afternoon but thank God he has gone to Skegness with the Evergreens. Sabre looked out of the living-room window. I gave him the ‘V sign. I hope he doesn’t remember.

  Monday February 2nd

  Presentation

  Mrs Lucas is back! I saw her pulling trees and bushes out of the earth and putting them in the back of a van, then she put all the gardening tools in and drove off. The van had ‘Women’s Refuge’ painted on the side. Mr Lucas came over to our house to talk to my mother, I went down to say ‘hello’ to him, but he was too upset to notice me. I asked my mother if she would get home early from work tonight, I’m fed up with waiting for my tea. She didn’t.

  Nigel got thrown out of school dinners today for swearing at the toad-in-the-hole, he said it was ‘all bleeding hole and no toad’. I think Mrs Leech was quite right to throw him out, after all the first-years were present! We third-years must set an example. Pandora has got up a petition to protest about the toad-in-the-hole. I will not sign it.

  It was Good Samaritans today. So I was forced to go round to Bert Baxter’s. I have missed the Algebra test! Ha! Ha! Ha! Bert gave me a stick of broken Skegness rock and said he was sorry he rang the school to complain abut the hedge-clippers. He said he was lonely and wanted to hear a human voice. If I was the loneliest person in the world I wouldn’t phone up our school. I would ring the speaking clock; that talks to you every ten seconds.

  Tuesday February 3rd

  My mother has not done any proper housework for days now. All she does is go to work, comfort Mr Lucas and read and smoke. The big-end has gone on my father’s car. I had to show him where to catch a bus into town. A man of forty not knowing where the bus stop is! My father looked such a scruff-bag that I was ashamed to be seen with him. I was glad when the bus came. I shouted through the window that he couldn’t sit downstairs and smoke but he just waved and lit up a cigarette. There is a fifty pounds’ fine for doing that! If I was in charge of the buses I would fine smokers a thousand pounds and make them eat twenty Woodbines.

  My mother is reading The Female Eunuch, by Ger-maine Greer. My mother says it is the sort of book that changes your life. It hasn’t changed mine, but I only glanced through it. It is full of dirty words.

  Wednesday February 4th

  New Moon

  I had my first wet dream! So my mother was right about The Female Eunuch. It has changed my life. The spot has got smaller.

  Thursday February 5th

  My mother has bought some of those overalls that painters and decorators wear. You can see her knickers through them. I hope she doesn’t wear them in the street.

  She is having her ears pierced tomorrow. I think she is turning into a spendthrift. Nigel’s mother is a spendthrift. They are always getting letters about having their electricity cut off and all because Nigel’s mother buys a pair of high heels every week.

  I would like to know where the Family Allowance goes, by rights it should be mine. I will ask my mother tomorrow.

  Friday February 6th

  The Queen’s Accession, 1952

  It is lousy having a working mother. She rushes in with big bags of shopping, cooks the tea then rushes around tarting herself up. But she is still not doing any tidying up before comforting Mr Lucas. There has been a slice of bacon between the cooker and the fridge for three days to my knowledge!

  I asked her about my Family Allowance today, she laughed and said she used it for buying gin and cigarettes. If the Social Services hear about it she will get done!

  Saturday February 7th

  My mother and father have been shouting at each other non-stop for hours. It started because of the bacon down the side of the fridge and carried on into how much my father’s car is costing to repair. I went up to my room and put my Abba records on. My father had the nerve to crash my door open and ask me to turn the volume down. I did. When he got downstairs I turned it up again.

  Nobody cooked any dinner so I went to the Chinese chip shop and bought a carton of chips and a sachet of soy sauce. I sat in the bus shelter and ate them, then walked about feeling sad. Came home. Fed dog. Read a bit of Female Eunuch. Felt a bit funny. Went to sleep.

  Sunday February 8th

  Fifth after Epiphany

  My father came into my bedroom this morning, he said he wanted a chat. He looked at my Kevin Keegan scrapbook, screwed the knob of my wardrobe door back on with his Swiss army knife, and asked me about school. Then he said he was sorry about yesterday and the shouting, he said my mother and him are ‘going through a bad patch’. He asked me if I had anything to say. I said he owed me thirty-two pence for the Chinese chips and soy sauce. He gave me a pound. So I made a profit of sixty-eight pence.

  Monday February 9th

  There was a removal lorry outside Mr Lucas’s house this morning. Mrs Lucas and some other women were carrying furniture from the house and stacking it on the pavement. Mr Lucas was looking out from his bedroom window. He looked a bit frightened. Mrs Lucas was laughing and pointing up to Mr Lucas and all the other women started laughing and singing ‘Why was he born so beautiful?’

  My mother phoned Mr Lucas up and asked him if he was all right. Mr Lucas said he wasn’t going to work today because he had to guard the stereo and records from his wife. My father helped Mrs Lucas put the gas stove in the removal van, then he and my mother walked to the bus stop together. I walked behind them because my mother was wearing long dangly earrings and my father’s trouser turn-ups had come down. They started to quarrel about something so I crossed over the road and went to school the long way round.

  Bert Baxter was OK today. He told me about the First World War. He said his life was saved by a Bible he always carried in his breast pocket. He showed me the Bible, it was printed in 1956.1 think Bert is going a bit senile.

  Pandora! The memory of you is a constant torment!

  Tuesday February 10th

  Mr Lucas is staying with us until he gets some new furniture.

  My father has gone to Matlock to try to sell electric storage heaters to a big hotel.

  Our gas boiler has packed in. It is freezing cold.

  Wednesday February 11th

  First Quarter

  My father rang up from Matlock to say he has lost his Barclaycard and can’t get home tonight, so Mr Lucas and my mother were up all night trying to mend the boiler. I went down at ten o’clock to see if I could help but the kitchen door
was jammed. Mr Lucas said he couldn’t open it just at that moment because he was at a crucial stage with the boiler and my mother was helping him and she had her hands full.

  Thursday February 12th

  Lincoln’s Birthday

  I found my mother dyeing her hair in the bathroom tonight. This has come as a complete shock to me. For thirteen and three-quarter years I have thought I had a mother with red hair, now I find out that it is really light brown. My mother asked me not to tell my father.

  What a state their marriage must be in! I wonder if my father knows that she wears a padded bra? She doesn’t hang them on the line to dry, but I have seen them shoved down the side of the airing cupboard. I wonder what other secrets my mother has got?

  Friday February 13th

  It was an unlucky day for me all right!

  Pandora doesn’t sit next to me in Geography any more. Barry Kent does. He kept copying my work and blowing bubblegum in my ears. I told Miss Elf but she is scared of Barry Kent as well, so she didn’t say anything to him.

  Pandora looked luscious today, she was wearing a split skirt which showed her legs. She has got a scab on one of her knees. She was wearing Nigel’s football scarf round her wrist, but Miss Elf saw it and told her to take it off. Miss Elf is not scared of Pandora. I have sent her a Valentine’s Day card (Pandora, not Miss Elf).

  Saturday February 14th

  St Valentine’s Day

  I only got one Valentine’s Day card. It was in my mother’s handwriting so it doesn’t count. My mother had a massive card delivered, it was so big that a GPO-van had to bring it to the door. She went all red when she opened the envelope and saw the card. It was dead good. There was a big satin elephant holding a bunch of plastic flowers in its trunk and a bubble coming out of its mouth saying ‘Hi, Honey Bun! I ain’t never gonna forget you!’ There was no name written inside, just drawings of hearts with ‘Pauline’ written inside them. My father’s card was very small and had a bunch of purple flowers on the front. My father had written on the inside ‘Let’s try again’.