Hanging by a Moment (Keeping Score #2)

by Tawdra Kandle

  When life shatters, it helps to have friends. I don’t know what I’d have done without Leo and Nate to comfort me, to hold me up and to keep me sane in face of sudden and terrible loss.

  And if one of those friends happens to be the love of my life, the one guy I thought I’d never be close to again . . . I’m not going to complain. After all, in a vast sea of things that aren’t fair, being with Leo again feels like the only shining beam of hope.

  I know there aren’t any guarantees for us. Leo’s heading south to play football, rocking a full-ride at one of the top colleges in the nation. Meanwhile, all of my plans have fallen apart, and I have to figure out what comes next. Having Nate by my side is more important than I could have imagined.

  The next four years were supposed to be the most exciting time of my life. Instead, they turn into a rollercoaster of uncertainty, complete with breathtaking highs and lows that threaten to break my heart.

  In the end, the decisions we make now could change everything for the three of us, forever.

  Hanging by a Moment

  Copyright © 2016 by Tawdra Kandle

  ISBN: 978-1-68230-404-4

  All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.

  Cover design by Robin Ludwig Design Inc.

  www.gobookcoverdesign.com

  Formatting: Champagne Formats

  www.ChampagneFormats.com

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Synopsis

  Prologue

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgements

  A sneak peek excerpt of Days of You and Me

  Hanging By A Moment Play List

  About the Author

  Other Books

  This book is dedicated to my daddy, who shared with me his love of football, who taught me the all-important words GO ARMY, BEAT NAVY at a very early age, who watched college and professional football with me as long as I can remember, who never thought that teaching his daughters the ins and outs of the game was a trivial pursuit . . . and who, like Quinn’s dad, left this earth far too soon.

  I love you, Daddy, and I miss you all the time—but especially on Saturdays and Sundays from September through January.

  This would be a great year for a little heavenly intervention with the Army team. Also, the Eagles could use a hand, too.

  “Quinn, can I ask you something?”

  I rolled over onto my back to see Nate better. As usual when we studied together, he was sitting at my desk, but he’d turned in the chair to look down on me where I lay on the floor, my history notes spread in front of me.

  I didn’t answer him right away. Since that day about a year ago when I’d told Nate that Leo and I had ended our relationship, Nate hadn’t mentioned anything about his own feelings for me. He’d done an excellent job of pulling back and being just who I needed—my best friend, with no hints of the crush he’d harbored for years. I’d been relieved, because I couldn’t stand to lose another friend.

  Narrowing my eyes now, I examined his face. He’d let his hair grow a little longer this year, and the dark brown waves skimmed his forehead, just above his wide blue eyes. The new meds he’d been on this year had helped him gain a little much-needed weight, and it showed in his cheeks. He didn’t look heavy by any means, but the angular, almost-pointed look he’d had before had disappeared. The changes hadn’t gone unnoticed by the other girls at school either; although Nate never gave any of them a second look, I knew more than one of our classmates wouldn’t have minded if he had.

  “Sure,” I answered finally, my voice sounding a little tentative and suspicious even to my own ears.

  Nate frowned. “I was hoping you’d say no.”

  A rusty and almost-unfamiliar bubble of laughter escaped my throat. “Then why did you ask me if you could ask me?”

  He shrugged. “I guess I was thinking that just bringing—this—up gets me off the hook.” He frowned, his forehead drawing together. “I think I did something wrong, and that you’re going to be so pissed, you’ll never talk to me again.”

  “Nate, seriously. I’ve known you since I was born. When have I ever stopped talking to you? Not even when you broke off Barbie’s head.”

  “That was an accident. I was trying to pull on the stupid dress you always wanted on her, trying to help you out, and they never made the heads to stay on right.”

  I lifted one hand and waved it in the air between us. “Whatever. Just spit it out. What do you think you did?”

  He looked downright miserable, his brow wrinkled and his eyes dark. “I don’t think I did it. I know I did. At the time, it felt like the right thing, but now . . . I’m pretty sure it probably wasn’t.”

  “Nate.” I closed my eyes and sighed. “What is it? Tell me. I promise I won’t be mad.”

  “I told Leo that he should break up with you.”

  The familiar stab of pain that hit whenever I heard his name silenced me for a moment. Nate mistook that for shock or anger, apparently, because he groaned and dropped his head into his hands.

  “God, I knew I shouldn’t have told you. I didn’t do it because of—I did it for you. He was destroying you, Quinn. You were changing, and you were so unhappy. I was pissed. So the morning after you got drunk with the cheerleaders—”

  “Yeah, thanks, I kind of remember that day. It stands out as being pretty shitty overall.”

  He went on as though I hadn’t spoken. “That day, I went to his house and laid it out. I told him he was being selfish and stupid—and I guess I thought he might just, I don’t know. Stop being an asshole to you. Man up.”

  I shook my head, rubbing it against the soft carpet. “No, you didn’t. You wanted him to end things. That’s why you did it.”

  “No, I—” Nate began to protest and then fell silent. “Maybe. But now I wonder. I thought you’d be happier. But you’ve changed even more, Quinn. You’re not who you were before—before you and Leo.”

  “Before we were us.” The tears were long gone. I’d cried a bucketful over Leo, and sometimes I still did, late at night. He’d left a T-shirt at my house, in my bedroom, on one of the many nights he’d snuck into my room after dark. I remembered that particular instance with perfect, painful clarity. We’d been apart from each other for four days because he’d gone with the football team on what they called a team-building trip, spending the night over in Philadelphia and listening to a bunch of coaches and former players from around the country
speak. Before he’d gotten back, I’d gone to New York for two nights with my mom to see a play and visit her best friend from college, who worked at a news magazine in the city. We’d gotten home too late for Leo to risk coming over.

  So when he finally did slip upstairs the next night, we were ravenous for each other. Leo had fallen on me with wild kisses, stripped off my clothes and made love to me with a brand-new abandon. We’d worked hard to keep quiet, giggling together when I had to turn up my television to muffle anything my parents might overhear.

  Afterward, I’d lain in his arms, drowsy but not willing to let him go yet. I’d told him in whispers about the city, about how I was pretty sure my mother had taken me to make sure I remembered that I had goals and plans beyond just having a boyfriend. Leo, in turn, ran his fingers through my hair, touching his lips to my temple, my ear lobe and my neck as he murmured about football and how amazing it had been to hear his favorite players speak.

  That night, he’d worn a long-sleeved button-up shirt over a gray T-shirt, and when he left, I teased him, refusing to give him the T-shirt.

  “It smells like you. I want to sleep with it under my pillow.” I’d buried my face in the soft material. “If I can’t have you in my bed all night, at least leave me this.”

  Leo had smiled, his eyes softening the way they did when he looked at me. He’d kissed me hard. “If I can’t stay in your bed all night, at least my shirt can hang around.” And then he’d snuck out, creeping down the steps and out the back door. He knew which creaking boards to avoid from nearly eighteen years spent running around my house.

  I’d lain in bed, listening, his shirt bunched up to my chin, and I’d drifted off to sleep, dreaming of a night when he didn’t have to leave me . . .

  A week after that horrible day when Leo had ended us, I’d found the T-shirt tucked under my bed. At first, I’d been tempted to cut it into tiny pieces or burn it, but then I’d lifted it to my nose, sniffing in his scent which still lingered. And I hadn’t been able to do anything but stuff it under my pillow again.

  So now when I was having a particularly hard day and found myself crying over Leo again, I pulled out the shirt and used it to blot my tears. It felt fitting, somehow.

  Still lying on the floor, I opened my eyes, staring up into Nate’s worried face. “I already knew, Nate. Or at least I suspected. Gia said something a while back about you being so angry that day, and I guess maybe I put two and two together.”

  “Why didn’t you say something? I’ve been dying by inches for months, afraid you’d find out and freak at me.”

  I lifted one shoulder. “It didn’t really matter, did it? At first I was a little annoyed. But then I thought . . . there had to be something else, right? I mean, you didn’t hold a gun to Leo’s head. You didn’t blackmail him, did you? He had a choice. He didn’t have to listen to you.” I paused. “My dad said something to me a few months ago. I guess he’d been talking to Leo’s father, and he says he thinks Leo’s parents were worried about the two of us getting too serious too soon. Joe might have said something to Leo, too. Maybe he talked him into ending everything.” I swallowed hard. “So you need to stop feeling guilty, because this wasn’t your fault, Nate. I don’t blame you.”

  He sighed, and his shoulders slumped. “You have no idea how scared I’ve been that you’d figure it out and be furious.”

  I rolled back over to my stomach, although I could still feel Nate’s eyes on the back of my neck. “Nope. It’s done. And even though . . .” My voice trailed away. “Even though it hurt, and even though I never would’ve ended things myself, maybe Leo’s dad was right. We must not have been meant to be. If Leo really loved me—” An unexpected sob caught in my throat. “He wouldn’t have listened to anyone. Not you, not his father—no one. It was just easier for him to break up with me than to figure out all the stuff happening between us. You know, like his partying and the football team . . . and what might’ve happened when we went to college. He chose all of that over me.”

  Nate didn’t respond right away. I heard the squeak of my desk chair as he shifted, and I sensed that he was trying to decide whether or not to speak. When he did, his voice was cautious and tentative. “You’ve changed since you guys broke up. But so has Leo.”

  I forced a laugh. “Oh, yeah? Seems like he’s still partying pretty hard. From what I hear, anyway.” And I did hear. It was impossible not to know what the star of the school’s football team did. Matt Lampert was the quarterback, and he was definitely popular in his own right. But there was just something about Leo, some kind of charisma, that made him stand head and shoulders above even Matt. Of course, from my point of view, it was easy to see who was hotter; Leo, with his wide gray eyes and light brown hair, his broad chest and long muscled legs . . . not to mention that ass . . .

  I mentally shook myself. Wandering down that path wasn’t healthy for me. Only heartache lay at the end.

  “Yeah, he’s still going to parties, but he isn’t hooking up. Or it doesn’t seem like he is. I never see him with any girls, and the cheerleaders are always whining about how he’s not interested anymore.”

  I’d noticed the same thing, but I’d been afraid to acknowledge it, even in my own thoughts. “Maybe he’s just being really discreet about his hook-ups.” I glanced over my shoulder at Nate.

  He smirked. “Yeah, ‘cause that sounds like Leo.”

  I rubbed my eye. “You know what? I really don’t want to talk about Leo anymore. I need to finish this reading, or I’m going to fail my midterms.”

  “Yeah, okay.” The chair groaned again as Nate turned to face the desk. I’d just found my place in the book I was reading when he spoke again.

  “Quinn, you want to go to prom with me?”

  I was so surprised that the heavy textbook slid from my fingers. “Prom?”

  “You know, it’s that big dance for the upperclassmen. Rite of passage, all that stuff. We’re supposed to spike the punch and maybe even join in a musical number where the whole class sings together.”

  “You’ve been watching Grease again, haven’t you?”

  He snorted. “No. I only ever watch with you.”

  “Whatever, dude.” I kept my gaze glued to the page in front me, hoping I’d distracted Nate enough that he didn’t realize I hadn’t answered his question. I wasn’t surprised he’d asked me; I’d been expecting it, actually. But I hadn’t been expecting it tonight, in the context of this conversation. “Thanks, but no. I’m not going to prom. Matter of fact, I’m thinking of asking my parents if we can go down to the shore that weekend, so I don’t have to deal with the whole thing.” My mom and dad had finally bought the house at the Jersey shore that we’d rented for a few weeks each summer during my childhood. They planned to spend more time there once I was away at college.

  “You might regret not going. Someday.” Nate was persistent, I’d give him that.

  “Maybe.” I pushed myself to sit up, stretching a little. “But I’m willing to take that risk. Hey, why don’t you ask Gia? I don’t think she’s got a date yet.” Our fiercely independent and strong-willed friend worked on the newspaper with me. Over the past year, she and Nate had gotten to be buddies; that was no easy thing, as Nate tended to be closed off to anyone outside our immediate circle. And since Leo and I had broken up, that circle had gotten considerably smaller.

  Nate lifted his shoulder. “No, I don’t think so. First of all, isn’t she against proms on general principle? She’d probably want to go just to make fun of the whole thing. And if you’re not going to go, I guess I won’t either.”

  I felt a twinge of guilt, but I pushed it away. “Well, I think you should go. But if you don’t, you can come down the shore with us. We’ll drown our promless sorrows in pizza and saltwater taffy.”

  “Sounds like a plan.” Nate stood up, pausing a minute to find his balance before he stepped away from the desk. “I guess I better head home. It’s getting late.”

  “Okay.” I rose, too, and grabbe
d my wallet from the bookshelf. “Let me find my keys.”

  I heard Nate’s long exhale. “I wish you didn’t have to drive me. It makes me feel—” He didn’t finish, but I already knew what he meant. The weakness in his legs and hips was a little improved, but not enough for him to be medically cleared for a license. I knew it was an ongoing source of frustration for him.

  “Nate. Honestly. Not being able to drive doesn’t make you any less of a man in my eyes.” I leaned in and kissed his cheek, glad that he’d topped me in height a few years back. “And I’m happy to give you a lift.”

  “Fine.” He caught my arm before I could pull away completely, and for a moment, his bright blue eyes held mine. My heart thudded, but not in anticipation, unfortunately. Part of me wished I could feel something more than friendship for Nate, but I didn’t. He was my beloved friend. The one I could talk to about anything, the boy I’d known as long as I’d been drawing breath. But there wasn’t any desire there; his touch didn’t make me tingle or want.

  I didn’t want to think about that other friend, the one I’d known just as many years. The one who, with a single glance, could make me melt with need. The one who’d broken my heart so badly, I didn’t know if it would ever mend.

  As if he could feel my thoughts stray toward Leo, Nate scowled and released my arm. Turning away from me, he opened the door and headed for the steps, which I knew he’d navigate slowly. I waited a few minutes before I followed him down.

  “Hey, honey, your mom just sweet-talked me into picking up dinner from Mandarin Inn tonight. You want your regular garlic chicken?”

  “Hmmmm.” I hummed under my breath, setting down the book was reading as my dad leaned through the doorway of my bedroom. “Yes, please. Oh, and can we get a side of fried won ton, please?”

  “Sure. Anything for my high school graduate daughter.” He winked. “Mom’s calling it in, so by the time I get there, it should be ready. You hungry?”