Hanging by a Moment (Keeping Score #2)

by Tawdra Kandle

  “We do all that already.” She spoke against the lapel of my jacket.

  “Not the kissing and the hand holding.” I rubbed her back, daring to let my fingers venture onto the bare skin revealed by the deep V of the dress. “I don’t know how much longer I’m going to have this chance, Quinn. What if we just tried it . . . and if it doesn’t work out, or if you end up back with Leo, then I’ll understand.”

  “Nate, I love you too much to ask you to be my fall back guy until the time is right for me to be with Leo again. That’s not fair to you.”

  “It is if that’s what I want. And I do.” I brushed a kiss over her temple. “I’ll be your fall back, Quinn. I’ll be your in-between. Your rebound. I just want to be with you for now.” Because now is the only time I have. I didn’t speak the words out loud, but I heard them in my head. “You don’t have to say yes right now. Just . . . don’t say no.”

  The music ended, and a new, faster song began to play. Quinn covered my hands, still at her waist, with her own and stepped back. She looked at me for a long moment before she squeezed my hands and nodded.

  “Okay.”

  Senior Year

  Spring

  I wasn’t sure exactly how it had happened, but by the beginning of senior year, it seemed that Nate and I were in a relationship.

  It began at the homecoming dance, and then things happened slowly and gradually from there. Nate held my hand as we walked to class. He kissed me good-night when he left my apartment at night. His kisses weren’t long or involved, and they didn’t feel like they were leading anywhere more complicated, but still, I was uneasy. I tried to ignore all that, until one day, when I was meeting him at the student union after a class, I heard Nate talking to someone I didn’t know.

  “Yeah, I’m just waiting for my girlfriend, and then we’re going to the movies.”

  For a brief second, I actually thought, Nate has a girlfriend? And then I realized he was talking about me.

  “Honestly, Quinn? You and Nate have been dating since last fall.” Zelda shook her head at me as she dried a pan. “You’re just the last one to notice.”

  “And maybe you didn’t notice because of all the sex you’re not having,” Gia put in helpfully. “Which, I have to say . . .why not? Nate is totally a hottie. You know I’d have done him, back before I was all into self-destructive jerks who like to torture me.”

  “It’s not like that.” I handed Zelda another dish to dry. “We’re just like we’ve always been. Except he kisses me. And apparently calls me his girlfriend.”

  “Is he a good kisser?” Gia leaned her hips against the counter. “I always thought he would be. You know, that intensity and attention. Like, you’d feel like the only girl in the world.”

  “Yes.” I rinsed off a plate. “He’s actually a really good kisser. But don’t you think it doesn’t matter how good someone is, if he’s not the right one? It’s like pesto. You could eat the best pesto in the world, but if you’re not really a fan, it’s not going to do anything for you.”

  “True.” Zelda picked up her wine glass and drained it. “But you know, if you keep an open mind, you get to enjoy a lot more pesto. And sometimes it’s okay even if it’s not the best pesto. Sometimes you just need pesto, regardless of the quality.” She sighed. “Eating the best pesto all the time is pretty amazing. But the sampler platter wasn’t half bad, either.”

  I raised one eyebrow. “Why do I get the feeling we’re not taking about pesto anymore? When did this conversation veer into sex?”

  “Honey, it’s always about sex.” Gia leered at me. “Besides, we were talking about you and Nate, and when you turned into you-and-Nate. And why you’re not having pesto. I mean, sex.”

  “He hasn’t pushed. He hasn’t even mentioned it.” I shrugged. “We don’t talk about that stuff. Leo and I, we talked about everything.” I remembered, with vivid clarity, the night we’d slept together for the first time. I could see us in my mind’s eyes, sitting in my car outside the hotel, talking about what we were going to do.

  “Speaking of Leo . . .” Zelda crossed her arms over her chest and smirked at me. “How’s everything going there? And how does he feel about you and Nate?”

  “I haven’t seen him since Christmas break.” I wrapped my arms around my waist, staving off the pain that came whenever I thought of him. “I haven’t said anything about Nate and me. Mostly, because I didn’t know there was anything to really say about us. Leo and I talked over break, but it’s always the same. We go round and round, with Leo trying to convince me things can change and me believing they can’t. It’s the same situation. And now that they won the championship again, it’s gotten even worse. He has agents talking to him, and they’re working on where he’s going to end up in the draft.” I slid a glance Gia’s way.

  Her expression was grim. “I’m not sure what’s worse: Leo being too popular to be with you, or Matt getting kicked off the team altogether, thanks to his inability to kick the booze and drugs. Oh, and of course, the fact that he can’t keep his dick in his pants.”

  I slung an arm over her shoulder and side-hugged her. “I’m sorry, Gia. I wish Matt had been able to pull it together. He could’ve had a good senior year . . . or if he’d been willing to switch positions, like Coach Demby suggested, he could’ve played more. He might be in the draft, too.”

  “Yes, but that would be logical.” Gia’s voice was just a little bitter. “And apparently, it’s Matt’s way or no way at all.”

  On the counter, my phone began to ring. Frowning, I answered it. “Nate? What’s up?”

  There was a rasp on the other end of the line. “Quinn. Need help.” His breathing was heavy and labored. “Get my mom. I need to go to the hospital.”

  “Nate?” I called his name in alarm, but there was no answer. “Shit!” I cut off the call and scrolled for Sheri’s contact info. As I waited for her to answer, I grabbed my purse and a jacket, yelling to the girls. “Nate’s sick. Zelda, can you drive? We need to get him to the hospital.”

  “And here we are again.” Sheri grimaced. “Sitting in this damn hospital. Again. Waiting for news.”

  “It was so scary. I’ve never been there when he first got sick, you know?” I shuddered. “Sheri, I was terrified.”

  “You did fine, kiddo.” She patted my hand. “You called me, and you got him to the hospital. The rest is up to the doctors.” She closed her eyes. “And Nate.”

  I watched his chest rise and fall over the gentle hiss of the oxygen. “I’ve been worried about him for the last few months. He’s seemed . . . like he’s slowing down. I notice he’s avoiding crowds. Sleeping more.” I raised my eyes to hers. “What’s going on, Sheri?”

  She swallowed and bit her lip. “When Nate got sick at the end of the summer before last, Dr. Randall let us know that he was running out of options. It’s okay as long as he stays healthy, but we knew then that we were dealing with the clock running out.” She squeezed my hand. “Since Nate was born, Quinn, we’ve known he was facing what the doctors called a limited lifetime expectation. We’ve learned to appreciate and enjoy each day.” Tears swam in her eyes. “But I’ve been dreading this all along—when the doctors say there’s nothing left for them to do.”

  “There’s got to be something. He’s been doing so well lately. Aren’t there more doctors? Better hospitals?”

  She shook her head. “Nate’s old enough to know what he wants and what he doesn’t want, Quinn. He doesn’t want to waste his life chasing medical options. He wants to enjoy the time he has.” She raised one eyebrow at me. “Especially now. I can’t remember him ever being happier than he has this last year, and I know that’s you. So thank you.”

  I felt vaguely uncomfortable. “Nate’s always been a priority to me, Sheri. I wish . . .” I wished I could love him like he loved me. I wished I could give him what he really wanted—to be the girlfriend he deserved.

  “We talked about this years ago, Quinn. Remember? I know how you feel about Nate, an
d I know how you feel about Leo.” She smiled. “Things aren’t easy for you, are they, sweetie? But you’re doing right by my boy, and no matter what, I respect that. Nate’s not stupid. He knows that Leo has your heart. But you’ve made room for him, too, and you’re giving him something Mark and I never could—a taste of a normal life. So please don’t feel guilty about conflicted feelings.”

  I grasped her hand tightly. “I just want Nate to be okay. I want more time with him, you know?”

  Sheri sighed. “Oh, honey. I do know. Believe me, I do.”

  Nate’s recovery was slower this time. He spent a week in ICU, a week during which I hardly slept and missed every class. Once they moved him to a regular room, he was in the hospital for another ten days, fighting off further infection and recovering.

  On the day Nate was released, Sheri texted me at noon to let me know she’d brought him home. He was going to spend at least two weeks at home, where Sheri and Mark could monitor his meds and take him to follow up appointments with the doctor.

  As soon as classes ended, I drove to the Wellmans’ house, giving a quick knock as I opened the front door.

  “Is there an escapee from the hospital around here?” I called, stepping into the living room.

  “God, yes.” Nate lay on the couch, covered with a quilt. “And I don’t plan on going back any time soon. Want to be my partner in crime?”

  I grinned. “Always. Always have been, always will be.” I pulled a footstool over next to the sofa and leaned up to kiss his cheek. “Nice and cool, by the way. Feels like ninety-eight point six to me.”

  “Should be, after all the shit they’ve been pumping into me the last two weeks.” He caught my hand and tugged me close. “Hey. I’ve been stuck in the hospital with no privacy. Don’t you think I deserve more than a kiss on the cheek?”

  I forced a smile. “Of course.” I touched his lips with mine, planning to keep it light, but Nate gripped the back of my neck and deepened the kiss, opening his mouth, making the caress intimate and passionate.

  “That’s better.” He grinned and released me. I noticed that his cheeks were a little more flushed, and his chest rose and fell rapidly.

  “I’m so glad you’re home. Now you need to take it easy and get better, so you can come back to school. Tuck’s been even more grumpy with you gone. He said to tell you to get your ass back there fast, or he’ll replace you, and I quote, with another needy nerd.”

  “Hmph.” Nate’s eyes drifted shut, but he was still smiling. “Tell him I’ll be back to annoy him soon, and he’ll be wishing I’d stayed gone.”

  “I’ll pass on the message.” I watched his face closely. “You look tired. I just wanted to stop by to see for myself that you were home. I better let you rest now.”

  “Don’t leave yet.” He threaded his fingers through mine, opening his eyes a little. “I need to talk to you, Quinn. It’s important.”

  “You need to take it easy.” I squeezed his hand. “We can talk later, Nate. I’m not going anywhere. And neither are you.”

  He managed a weak smile. “Wish I could agree with you. But you know me, Quinn. No filter. No small talk. And I want to tell you something now. I need to do it today. It can’t wait.”

  I frowned as I sat down again next to the sofa. “Okay. I’m here. You tell me what you need to, but then you sleep some, okay? You need your rest to recover.”

  “Fine.” He settled himself more comfortably and looked down at my long slim fingers folded against the back of his hand. “I love the feel of your hand in mine. I always have, since we were little.”

  My stomach rolled. There was something in his voice that scared the shit out of me. “So what’s happening, Nate? What’s so important that you have to get it out now?”

  “Dr. Randall talked to me just before he let me go.” Nate played with a long thread on the edge of the blanket that covered him. “He said there’s no doubt my disease is progressing.”

  This wasn’t completely unexpected, since Sheri had said something along these lines during our talk in the hospital. My eyebrows drew together as I focused on what it really meant. “Okay. Well—what are they going to do? A new protocol? Do you need to take a leave from school?”

  He shook his head slowly. “There isn’t anything else new on the horizon. Not at the moment, anyway. From this point on, they’re going to focus on maintaining.”

  I knew, logically, what Nate was trying to say. But I couldn’t believe it, not really. I didn’t want to accept it. “Maintain. All right, well, that’s doable, isn’t it? Keep taking your meds, and then you’ll be ready when the next new treatment comes along.”

  “Quinn.” He was looking at me steadily, patiently. “That’s not what’s going to happen. I’ve known for the past year that the symptoms were getting worse, even though I hoped—but the doctors can see the decline on a cellular level.” He paused, and I could tell he was struggling with his next words. “I don’t know the exact timeline, but I know what the end result is going to be. My body is shutting down, and . . . I’m going to die.”

  I thought I was going to be sick. My throat burned and my middle clenched. “Don’t say that, Nate. Just . . . don’t.”

  “I have to say it. We’ve got to be honest with ourselves and with each other, because if we don’t, we’re just wasting time. I’m not going to do that when every minute is precious.”

  “Okay.” I nodded and sucked in a deep breath, trying to steady myself. “Okay. What . . . how long?”

  “I don’t know for sure. Maybe six months, possibly a little longer.”

  The tears I’d been battling filled my eyes. “Nate, I can’t do this. I can’t lose you. You’re my best friend, and I can’t . . .” The band around my chest constricted until I couldn’t breathe or talk.

  “You can. I need you, Quinn. And I’m going to need your help. And . . . something else, too.” For the first time since I’d come into the room, he looked unsure and nervous, his face losing its resolve.

  I held his hand in both of mine and lifted it to my lips, kissing the knuckles. “Anything. You know that. Anything at all.”

  He gave a shaky laugh. “Don’t say that before you hear what I want. Don’t promise something you might not be able to deliver.”

  “Unless you’re going to ask me to put a pillow over your face, you can pretty much count on me coming through for you. When have I ever let you down?”

  “Never.” He answered quickly, staring deep into my eyes. “You’ve never let me down, Quinn, not in almost twenty-two years of friendship. And God, I’ve been a demanding friend. When I look back, I can see how selfish I’ve been. I always wanted you, and only you, and you gave me anything I wanted, even when it wasn’t in your best interest.”

  A sob stuck in my throat. “No. You were never—”

  “Quinn, don’t try to whitewash our history. You sat next to me on the playground every day for years, when I know you wanted to be out playing with the other kids. With the normal kids. You chose me over Leo when we were younger, even when I knew you wanted to be with him. And I was such a jerk, I let you make that choice, and I told myself it was okay. Nothing in my life was fair. I hated not being able to run and play kickball or just be fucking typical, but I thought having you made up for that. I guess maybe I felt entitled to your time and attention.”

  “I never resented giving it to you.”

  Nate smiled. “I know. That’s what makes this both easier and harder. Easier, because you’ve never made me feel bad for needing you, and harder because I know this last thing I’m going to ask of you is probably the most selfish thing I’ve ever done.”

  I tilted my head, narrowing my eyes. “You’re scaring me now. Just tell me what you need, and if it’s in my power, I’ll do it.”

  He sat up a little straighter, and his face flushed. “I wish I could do this differently. God, I wish I could do just one thing like regular people do.” He took a deep breath, his chest rising and falling with the the effort. �
�Okay. For someone whose days are numbered, I’m doing a lot of stalling.” He licked his lips, pressed them together for a second, and then lifted his gaze to meet mine.

  “I want you to marry me, Quinn.”

  If I were honest, I’d expected something along these lines. Part of me had sensed that maybe he was going to ask me to love him—really love him, be his official girlfriend, to sleep with him—for whatever time he had left. But hearing him say those words made me dizzy.

  Before I could reply, he hurried on. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted. I want to be married to you, and if we had the luxury of time, I’d keep . . . wooing you, I guess, as long as it took until you really loved me, too. Until you wanted to marry me as much as I want you. We’d do things the normal way. But we don’t. I don’t. I can’t wait for you to fall in love with me for real. So I’m doing the most selfish thing I’ve ever done and playing the dying friend card.”

  “Nate.” I couldn’t say more than his name.

  “I want you with me for as long as I have. And I want the gratification of being able to call you my wife. I want to give my parents the memory of a wedding. They haven’t had anything like the typical experience with me as their kid, but this I can give them, if you help me. I already talked to them about this. They were surprised . . . but they’ll go along with whatever we decide.”

  Everything was swirling around in my head. And I could only think of Leo. When I’d pictured someone proposing to me, it had always been Leo. I could see him, in my mind’s eye, kneeling before me, my hand in his, and I could feel the excitement and love we’d feel, standing on the edge of the rest of our lives together.

  But instead, I was sitting next to my other best friend, the one who probably had less than a year to live. And he was asking me to give him a portion of my own life. How could I deny him this? How could I say no to him, when this was all he was asking of me?