Surrendered

by Monica James

“Indiana, do you remember when you were younger, and you’d sneak over to our place for dessert? You cheeky little rascal, sneaking in two desserts.”

  Indie lets out a high pitch laugh. “Oh, how could I forget? Your desserts were a million times better than my mom’s.”

  Jasper shuffles uncomfortably next to me, but continues eating. I try and catch his attention, but his eyes are cast downward.

  “Oh Danielle, do you remember the time you caught Jasper and I sneaking home, blind drunk when we were fifteen?” Indie asks, letting out a small chuckle.

  “Of course I do.” She laughs loudly as if reliving the memory.

  She looks over at Jasper. “You two were always up to no good. Remember, Jasper?”

  Indie turns to look at him, waiting for a reply.

  Jasper shrugs, pushing his cobbler around with his fork. “I don’t know, I can’t remember,” he replies on a sigh.

  “Oh come on, of course you can,” insists Danielle. “It was the weekend your father was away in Fresno and he brought back that red guitar you loved so much.”

  Jasper stiffens at the mention of his father, and as I peer over at him, my heart breaks when I see his chest expand on his heavy exhales, obviously uncomfortable with this conversation.

  What the hell is wrong with his mom? Why is she pretending that his childhood was anything but horrible?

  This time I’m the one who offers him comfort by running my thumb lightly across his knuckles, as our hands are still intertwined under the table. He looks over at me, and I offer him a small smile, which he thankfully returns.

  “I think I might have a picture somewhere. I’ll have to dig it up,” Danielle says, sipping on her coffee casually.

  Jasper tightens his grip on his coffee cup, and I wish his mom would shut her mouth. How can she be so insensitive?

  “I also have a photo of your high school prom floating around. Oh Indiana, do you remember your dress ‘malfunction’? I secretly believe Jasper was behind that,” she says, winking at her.

  Knowing Indie, that ‘malfunction’ was deliberately done by her, and would probably involve a big hole cut out of her crotch.

  Sinking low into my seat, I’m hoping to slip away from this tortuous conversation. As Jasper looks over at me, I sink even further as Danielle continues her reminiscing.

  “Jasper, you were always such a little terror. Your father may have had a firm hand with you, but…”

  I’m about to leap out of my seat, ready to defend Jasper’s honor, but he beats me to it.

  “We’re leaving,” he says, pushing his chair backwards and standing abruptly.

  Danielle looks over at Indie, who is mirroring her stunned expression. What did they expect? How could Danielle make excuses for Jasper’s dad? Jasper was abused by the man who should have protected him against harm, and Danielle is lucky he’s even talking to her right now, because she failed him as a mother by turning a blind eye to the abuse.

  “You haven’t finished,” she says, looking down at his dessert, her voice faltering.

  “Oh yes, I have,” he replies quickly, and I’m quite certain he’s not referring to his meal.

  Placing my napkin on the table, I quickly stand, because I can see Jasper shaking in fury.

  “Jasper,” Danielle says, standing up.

  The worry lines clearly etch over her forehead, but I don’t care because she deserves everything he throws at her.

  “No, Mom, don’t. We can see ourselves out. You and Indie can play catch up and pretend that my childhood was a happy one, and I didn’t get beaten daily by a spineless asshole!”

  Both Danielle and Indie’s mouths pop open, and before she can say another word, Jasper latches onto my hand and we’re out the door.

  As soon as we descend the last step, he lets go of my hand and fists his hair in frustration. I don’t know what to do, as the pain and fury is clearly reflected in his haunted eyes.

  He stalks ahead of me and I try to keep up, but I have to run to keep in step with his huge strides. As he reaches his truck, he begins kicking the front tire repeatedly. I flinch when I hear the loud sound echoing in the quiet neighborhood. I stare at him, my mouth agape, and my heart breaks into a million pieces when I witness his pain.

  When he’s not satisfied kicking the living hell out of his tire, he begins punching the front panel, creating a huge crater.

  As he lifts his fist to punch it again, I quickly intervene. “Jasper, stop it. Enough.” I approach him cautiously, as I can see he’s blinded by anger, I place my hand on his upper shoulder firmly and plead once again. “Jasper. Enough.”

  He stops. His truck definitely looks worse for wear, and I know he’ll regret this in the morning.

  His head hangs low as he takes wild, rapid breaths, which echo deep within his chest. My heart goes out to him, and I can’t help the tear that rolls down my cheek. I wipe it away quickly, because now it’s my turn to be strong for him.

  “Jasper?” I whisper. “Look at me.”

  After a moment of ragged breathing, he slowly turns to face me. His expression is plagued with such raw emotion it rips me into two. He raises his head to the heavens and interlaces his fingers behind his neck.

  “I’m sorry,” he finally says, looking up into the cloudless sky.

  His apology surprises me.

  “Sorry? What are you sorry for?” I ask.

  He meets my eyes with a haunted look in his.” For everything. For me losing my shit back there. For me suggesting this stupid dinner. For you having to listen to my mom and Indie play catch up. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable that must have made you feel… I’m sorry,” he says, lowering his eyes.

  The look on his face is killing me. I need to make that look go away.

  “Hey, don’t,” I say, reaching forward quickly and grasping his chin, pulling his face to meet my gaze.

  When he meets my eyes, his usual vivid blue eyes are plagued with anger, fear, and frustration.

  “This isn’t your fault. You’ve got nothing to apologize for. You hear me?”

  “Yes, I do. I made you come here. I was convinced that I could play happy family. I should have known better,” he says softly, shaking his head.

  “You didn’t make me do anything. I wanted to be here, for you. I know how important this is to you, Jasper,” I reply, stroking my palm against his cheek.

  Jasper toys with the scar on his bottom lip. “It was important. But my mom obviously can’t see the significance of getting to know someone who means more to me than life itself.”

  I give him a small smile.

  “Maybe Indie invited herself over,” I suggest, knowing all too well that’s not the case.

  Jasper reaches forward, brushing a loose tendril of hair that is catching in the wind behind my ear. “Always the optimist, even when you know nothing about tonight was coincidental.”

  I bite my lip because I know he’s right. “I’m sorry, Jasper.” I don’t know what else to say. All I want to do is take him in my arms and comfort him like he has done for me so many times before.

  “Let’s just go home,” he says, crushed, resting his forehead against mine.

  I give him a small nod. It saddens me to think his mom’s place, a place he should be able to call home, is anything but.

  We arrive at Jasper’s, both physically and emotionally drained after sitting through a dinner from hell. We both crash, twirled around one another’s bodies, with Jasper holding onto me tighter than usual.

  I awake with his arm wrapped around my middle, hugging me to his chest. His cheek rests on the edge of my pillow, and his gentle exhalations tickle my neck.

  Craning my neck, I peer over at the bedside clock, which reads 9a.m.

  I’m glad Jasper is sound asleep, because after last night, he deserves a peaceful slumber. And also because today is the day I tell him that I’m pregnant. Yes, I wanted to wait until I was 100% certain, but he needs to know that no matter what, I… well, we, will never let him down. We w
ill always be his family and never treat him the way his mom did last night.

  I just hope he embraces the news and doesn’t flip out. Gulping at that thought, I feel my stomach roll with nausea.

  “What’s wrong?” a raspy voice asks.

  I shiver when I hear the roughness of Jasper’s morning voice.

  It shouldn’t surprise me that he can read me with his eyes closed, but it still does.

  Brushing my hand down his stubbled cheek, I reply, “I was just thinking.”

  “About?” Jasper prompts.

  About our baby, I silently answer.

  When I remain quiet, he opens his eyes and the color rivals the bluest, cloudless sky.

  “Your eyes blow my mind,” I confess, running my fingertips over his full eyebrow.

  He is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, and I doubt I’ll ever see anything that will measure up to his beauty.

  “You blow my mind,” he replies, his dimple dipping low in his left cheek. “You know what else blows my mind?” he asks.

  “What’s that?” I reply, snuggling closer into him.

  “When you tell me what’s on your mind.”

  I bite back my smile.

  “You know, Ava, sometimes you just need to not think before you speak. Just tell me what’s going on without overanalyzing it. I bet my reaction won’t be half as bad as you think. You work yourself up over nothing most of the time,” he says wisely.

  In any other circumstance, I would absolutely agree with him and be all for the overshare. I would happily divulge all my secrets, every single one of them. But this isn’t a secret, this is something he has to know. I just don’t know how to tell him.

  Jasper secures his hands around my waist and rolls me onto him playfully.

  Giggling loudly, I sit up on his waist, looking down at him and admiring the view. He reaches up and brushes a loose strand of hair off my forehead, giving me one of his coma-inducing smiles.

  “C’mon, spill it. Otherwise I’ll kiss it out of you,” he says mischievously.

  Arching my eyebrow, I smile. “That’s not much of a threat.”

  That sounds like heaven.

  He shrugs, which does amazing things to his bare chest. “I was going to do that anyway, but I thought if I said it in a stern voice, you’d listen.”

  Laughing softly, I rub my hands across the hard planes of his upper body. “You’re a dork.”

  He massages my exposed thighs. My skin instantly prickles with the contact of his hands on my exposed flesh.

  “So, you going to tell me?” he questions, licking his lower lip quickly.

  “Hmm,” I smile, tapping my chin in contemplation. “I’d rather you kiss it out of me,” I answer truthfully.

  Jasper smirks. “I think I can manage that.”

  He leans up and I eagerly meet him halfway. Our lips are mere inches apart, when suddenly the doorbell rings, and we both groan at the lousy timing.

  He glances over at the clock. “This better be good,” he says, slumping back down onto the pillow.

  I begrudgingly slide off him and gape at his naked butt as he slips out of bed. He grabs the blue jeans that are thrown over the back of his chair and steps into them quickly.

  Wow, when I get a glimpse of his perfect ass wriggling its way into those lucky jeans, I am so thinking the person at the door can wait.

  As he buckles up his belt, he leans over the bed and kisses me quickly.

  “Whoever it is, I’ll get rid of them. Promise,” he says, grinning.

  As he bounces down the stairs, I collapse into the pillows and spread my arms out wide. Jasper’s words from earlier comfort me because he’s right, I do work myself up. I’ll just spit it out and we’ll deal, just like we always have done in the past.

  I listen, hoping to catch wind of whom Jasper is speaking to, but I really have to strain my hearing as their voices are low and muffled. However, as soon as I hear the other person, I instantly recognize the voice.

  It’s his mom.

  I don’t know what to do. Should I go down there? After seeing Jasper react the way he did last night, I think it’s best that I do.

  Quickly slipping on my jeans and a t-shirt, I tie my hair up into a high ponytail and quietly creep out the door.

  I’m at the top of the stairs when I overhear them talking.

  “I’m sorry about last night, Jasper. I was just trying so hard, I wanted everything to be perfect.”

  “Well, it was going fine until you invited Indie over, Mom. What were you thinking? Do you realize how awkward that made Ava feel?”

  “I know. I wasn’t thinking.”

  “Bull fucking shit,” I whisper.

  “It’s just that Indiana is still your friend. If Ava has a problem with her, she’ll just have to get over it. You’ve made it quite clear who you want to be with.”

  I see red.

  “No offense, Mom, but you’ve kinda got the blinkers on when it comes to Indie,” Jasper retorts.

  “No, Jasper, I think you do when it comes to Ava.”

  Excuse me?

  Grabbing onto the banister, I’m about to charge down the stairs and take everyone’s blinkers off so they can see the real me kick Danielle’s ass.

  I’m not sure of Jasper’s reaction to her comment, but I don’t think it’s a good one, as I hear Danielle apologize quickly.

  “I’m sorry. That was wrong of me. I’m just overprotective, Jasper. After everything she put you through, I don’t want her hurting you again. Surely you can understand that.”

  What horseshit!

  “I appreciate your concern, but you have nothing to worry about. I love Ava and she loves me. She’s the best thing that has ever happened to me, Mom, and she’s here to stay. I suggest you get over whatever issues you have with her and learn to get along, because I know she’s trying with you.”

  My heart inflates with his kind words.

  “Okay, I’ll try. But don’t shut Indiana out.”

  Closing my eyes in frustration, I decide to creep back up to his bedroom, not wanting to hear another word.

  After ten minutes, Jasper comes back upstairs looking beat. By the way his hair is sticking up into an angry mohawk, I know the conversation didn’t go well.

  “Everything okay?” I ask, propping up on an elbow to look at him as he closes the door behind him.

  “Yeah, fine,” he says quickly, and totally unconvincingly.

  “Who was at the door?” I ask in hopes of not sounding suspicious.

  Jasper looks at me and frowns slightly. “My mom.”

  Before I have an opportunity to question him, he walks over to his closet and begins searching for clothes.

  “What’s wrong? I know you’re not telling me something. I also know that you’re mad,” I say, as he has interlaced his hands through his hair, yanking on it painfully.

  He turns at the waist with a small smirk. “You can’t see my face. How do you know I’m mad?”

  “Because I know you,” I reply quickly.

  Him fisting his hair—dead giveaway.

  “Well, I know you’re not telling me something,” he says defiantly, turning to face me.

  I gulp.

  This is it, Ava.

  The hard resolve in his eyes suggests he’s not going to let this slide. And a part of me still thinks I should wait, but I can’t keep this from him. Whether I’m pregnant or not, we’ll deal.

  “You’re right, Jasper,” I reply, sitting up slowly. “I think I’m—”

  My heart begins slamming against my ribcage, as I am one word away from changing his life forever.

  However, before I can continue, I hear “Highway to Hell.”

  And I mean that literally.

  Jasper looks at his iPhone, and then he looks at me.

  “It’s fine, answer it.” I sigh with a small smile, waving at the phone.

  I really don’t want to read into the significance of that song and my situation.

  Jasper reac
hes for it, cocking an eyebrow. “It’s Lucas,” he says, looking at screen. “Sup, man? Yeah, its fine, we’re up.”

  I watch Jasper’s face transform from miserable to ecstatic in a matter of seconds.

  “You’re fucking kidding me! Holy shit.”

  Jasper pauses, and I can hear Lucas’ deep voice speaking quickly to Jasper from where I sit.

  Jasper lets out a stunned breath and looks at me, eyes wide. “Fuck yeah, I’m in! What dates? This is amazing. Okay, when… tonight? Yeah for sure, we’ll be there.”

  He quickly ends the call, throwing his iPhone onto the desk and stalking towards the bed animatedly.

  “What?” I ask apprehensively, almost afraid to ask.

  “We got the gig at the Rip it Up festival in Seattle!”

  “Oh my God, Jasper, that’s great! Congratulations!” I yelp, jumping up on my knees and crawling over to him.

  I know how much this means to him and I’m overjoyed at the news. It has been P.O.E’s dream of playing this festival since it was first announced months and months ago. It’s a three day festival showcasing the world’s biggest musical acts, and P.O.E will be amongst them.

  No freakin’ way!

  “I know! Can you believe it? It’s huge. We’ve never played to a crowd that big before,” he says excitedly.

  I nod happily. “I just knew it. You guys have worked so hard to get where you are. No one deserves it more than you.”

  “But there’s more good news,” he says with a twinkle in his eye.

  “More?” I question.

  Jasper nods as he reaches for me, wrapping my hands around his neck.

  “Yes. Lucas said we’ve been offered a six week tour supporting Flames around the States, and if that goes well, we might go to Europe. Fucking Europe! Can you believe this shit?”

  My mouth pops open. Holy crap!

  “That’s great!”

  I all but throw myself into his arms as I’m so happy for him, but then I stiffen.

  This sounds like Jasper’s dream come true.

  A dream that doesn’t involve a baby.

  Fuck.

  “What’s wrong?” Jasper asks, pulling out of the embrace, searching my downcast eyes.

  When I don’t reply, he says in a rushed breath, “Of course you’ll be coming with me. I already worked out the dates. You would have finished school by then, so you’re free to come with. You and me on the road. No ties or commitments. It’s perfect, baby.”