Surrendered

by Monica James

  Okay, that’s not at all random.

  Her question throws me off and I begin stirring my coffee nervously. “No. There’s nothing to discuss. I’m not going,” I reply as I begin stirring my coffee more forcefully, making a scraping noise against the ceramic.

  “I know you said that before. But now that Jasper knows about the baby, and is cool about it, you could work something out.”

  “There’s nothing to work out,” I reply, wishing she would just drop it already.

  “That’s not true, Ava. He has a right to know. You’re in this together. A team. You have to tell Jasper.”

  “Tell me what?”

  My stirring stops abruptly, and I look over V’s shoulder to see Jasper standing in the doorway with a puzzled look on his face.

  I close my eyes briefly and take a deep breath. As I reopen my eyes, I look at my friend, who has sunk guiltily into her seat.

  “Sorry,” she mouths when I glare at her.

  “So, what do you have to tell me?” Jasper asks.

  He casually walks over to the kitchen table, nabbing a green apple from the fruit bowl as he leans up against the counter. He takes a big bite and chews slowly, waiting for an answer.

  “I, ah…” I stammer.

  “I better go,” V says, getting up faster than I have ever seen her move before.

  She’s halfway out the door when she sticks her head back in. “I got you Oscar in stuffed animal form. It means I’m forgiven, remember that.”

  Jasper cocks his eyebrow, totally lost, and I break out into half a smile before shooing her away with my hands.

  “I will never understand you two.” He smirks, shaking his head.

  I give him a small smile, hoping he won’t pursue what V and I were talking about.

  Of course my hopes are shot when he asks, “So?”

  Damn V and her mouth!

  “It’s no big deal,” I utter nonchalantly, trying to shrug it off.

  “Okay, well, in that case it shouldn’t be a big deal to tell me.”

  He finishes off his apple and I shuffle out of his way so he can dispose of the core in the trash. He steps closer, waiting for me to continue.

  I gulp.

  “Sally was going to recommend me for a job at Metropolis,” I blurt out quickly.

  Jasper looks half relieved that the news is good. He says in a quickened breath, “That’s great, baby. I’m so proud of you!”

  However, I wish it was good news, because it’s not. “I can’t accept it,” I mumble, lowering my eyes.

  “What? Why not? It’s your dream come true.”

  I can hear the confusion echo in his voice and it crushes me.

  To anyone but me this is a dream come true. But to me, it’s just a dream that will never come true. I’ll always be looking in on this dream with regret and disappointment.

  Raising my eyes to his, I reply,” It was my dream, but now, things are different.”

  Understanding glows in Jasper’s big, blue eyes. “Just because we’re having a baby doesn’t mean you have to put your life on hold, Ava.”

  “It’s in New York,” I interrupt before I have to hear this speech a second time around.

  Jasper’s mouth parts. “Oh.”

  I nod. “Oh.”

  Jasper reaches forward and strokes the back of his fingers down my cheeks. “I’m sorry. I know how much this means to you.”

  I shake my head. “You mean more to me than anything in this world. Okay?” I say with sincerity, as every word of it is true.

  Jasper nods, but I can see by the slight dip of his lips he doesn’t believe me. I grasp his stubbled cheeks between my palms, needing him to believe me.

  “Okay?” I ask again, searching his eyes.

  “Okay.” He smiles, but the gesture doesn’t reach his eyes.

  I give him a quick peck on the lips. “I love you, Jasper. Whatever sacrifices I have to make, I do for us.”

  And for once that ‘Us’ doesn’t scare me.

  Jasper nods half-heartedly, but again his actions betray him.

  He’s silent for a moment and as his mouth droops into a frown, I know I’m not going to like what he has to say.

  “Then I need to make sacrifices also.”

  “Like what? What would you have to sacrifice? Everything in your life can be juggled around having a baby,” I reply quickly.

  Jasper shakes his head. “Not everything,” he answers sadly, meeting my eyes, and I know he means being in P.O.E. Traveling the world when you have a baby at home may be an issue.

  Before I have time to question him, my home phone rings. Startled, I let out a small yelp. Looking at it angrily, not happy at the distraction, I answer it on the fifth ring.

  “Hello.”

  It’s the doctor’s office.

  “Aha. Oh okay, that should work,” I reply, looking at the wall clock.

  “Okay, thank you for the call. See you soon.”

  As soon as I place the phone back into the cradle, Jasper quickly questions, “Everything okay?”

  I nod. “Yes, it was the doctor’s office.”

  His face drops and I quickly add, “They said they can fit me in today at two, instead of my original appointment at four, for my blood test.”

  Jasper’s broad chest deflates as he exhales out a big breath.

  He looks up at the clock. “Perfect. I’ll drive.”

  I give him a big smile. “You still wanna come? It’s only blood work, and it’s not with my normal doctor.”

  Jasper returns my smile, and I see his dimple making a mischievous appearance. “Of course I’m coming.”

  He sets my skin on fire with a look that should be illegal. And I so should be used to that look, but I’m not.

  He takes a step closer and licks his bow lips, toying with his sinful scar. “Anyway, I have a few questions.”

  No points for guessing what.

  “So, should she, or shouldn’t she be lifting? And what about being on her feet all day?”

  Okay, so when Jasper said he had a few questions, I didn’t think he was going to ask every question known to mankind, sometimes twice. Who knew Jasper had so many questions? Subconsciously running my finger over the cotton wool taped over the crease in my elbow, I sorta feel like a bad mom for not having my own list.

  “Well, she’ll be fine as long as she doesn’t over exert herself,” she replies, looking at Jasper from her big oak desk, with a small smile on her wrinkled face.

  “You might have a little morning sickness, lack of appetite, et cetera, but the symptoms vary for each individual,” she explains, writing something down in my file. “Once Doctor Hemming is back from vacation, he’ll be more than happy to address any other questions you may have, and also what comes next.”

  I nod, happy with the way she’s answered all of Jasper’s questions. And not judging me for my lack of questions.

  “So what foods should she stay away from? I read she’s unable to eat some things.”

  Whoa, what? Now that has my total attention for two reasons. Reason one, since when has Jasper been reading about pregnancies? And two, I can’t eat certain foods? But I love eating!

  “That’s right Mr. Thompson. You have been busy reading, haven’t you?” she says, giving him a small nod, her grey bun bopping vigorously.

  I’m too busy worrying about the non-eating part to pay any attention to her addressing Jasper incorrectly.

  “Oh, it’s um, Mr. White,” Jasper corrects awkwardly.

  Doctor Reger frowns. “Oh sorry, my apologies. Back in my day, we didn’t have much of a choice and had to change our maiden names,” she explains, which actually confuses me further.

  Maiden name?

  Jasper shuffles uncomfortably beside me.

  “We’re not… married,” Jasper replies. I can hear the embarrassment behind his words.

  I, on the other hand, am still thinking about all the foods I have to sacrifice for the next… forever!

  Doctor Reger
clears her throat and turns a slight shade of red. She shuffles the paperwork in front of her, giving Jasper a strained smile.

  “Oh, please excuse me for jumping to conclusions. Back in my day—”

  “You were married before you had kids,” Jasper finishes off quickly, rubbing his forehead.

  I can tell he’s uncomfortable talking about this, and I can’t quite figure out why. I never took him for the traditional type, although marriage and kids has never really come up in conversation till well, now.

  Marriage is the last thing on my mind, as I’m just getting used to the idea of becoming a mom. Being a wife, gee… that’s a whole different kettle of fish.

  I watch Jasper from the corner of my eye. He’s fiddling with the pamphlet Doctor Reger gave him earlier, detailing the facts and myths about pregnancy. He looks deep in thought, with serious frown lines crinkling along his forehead.

  I don’t like how somber everyone is, so I do the only thing I can to lighten the mood. I ask my first and only question.

  “So, Doctor Reger,” I inquire.

  Both she and Jasper focus their attention on me, grateful I’ve broken the silence.

  “What’s the rule with sex and being pregnant?”

  My question seemed to loosen Jasper up slightly. Especially when we got the green light that sex and pregnancy is A-okay.

  Woo hoo!

  I thought Jasper would make good on that fact as soon as we left the doctor’s office, but sadly, I was mistaken.

  Jasper is preoccupied, chewing on his lower lip the whole drive home. He makes the automatic gestures when driving; indicating for lane changes, stopping at red lights, giving way, and so forth. But I know he isn’t concentrating on anything other than what went down with Doctor Reger.

  I don’t want to interrupt him, as I too am going over all the things I discovered today. And some of those things just blow my mind.

  I shuffle through the stack of brochures the doctor gave me, and draw back when I see a picture of someone giving birth. The pained expression on her face sends me into a tiny panic, as I haven’t given much thought to that part, and I’m going to keep it that way until I have to think about it.

  “Did you want me to drop you off at home?” Jasper asks, breaking the silence. When he sees me hesitate, he simply says, “I’m working tonight.”

  Oh yeah, of course. I forgot he had a shift at the shelter tonight.

  “Sure,” I nod, not liking the sudden distance between us.

  I need to find out what he’s thinking; otherwise it’ll eat at me all night.

  “What’s wrong, Jasper?” I ask, placing my hand on his knee, which is poking through a hole in his blue jeans.

  He’s quiet for a moment. “Nothing is wrong. I’m just…”

  He leaves the sentence unfinished, and pulls a right to turn onto the freeway.

  “You’re what?” I question uneasily, fiddling with the corner of a brochure.

  Jasper shakes his head, his long rich locks spilling into his eyes.

  “Nothing, baby, don’t worry about it. Forget I said anything.”

  I don’t press the issue, because judging by the hard resolve of his sharp jaw, I know he won’t elaborate further.

  I let out a small sigh and drop it… for now.

  I’m lying on my bed, staring up at the ceiling with my hands interlaced over my tummy, deep in thought. Listening to my iPod usually helps me relax, but sadly tonight, it’s just background noise, as all I can think about is Jasper’s strange behavior after the doctor’s today.

  I guess listening to “Slipped Away” by Avril Lavigne is not really helping my mood.

  Is he having second thoughts about the whole thing?

  Being at the doctor’s made everything so real, and maybe it has sunken in that this is really happening, and he’s going to be a dad. God knows it has taken me forever to get used to the idea. Even now, I’m still trying to get my head around it.

  A little voice inside of me whispers, “He’s freaking out and will be on the next plane outta here.”

  I squash down that voice because I know Jasper would never do that. But that incessant voice keeps hounding me till I throw a pillow over my face, in attempts to block it out.

  Ugh, I need to get out of this funk.

  Throwing the pillow off my face, I look over at the clock which reads 11:24p.m. It’s too late to do anything.

  Or is it?

  As “Sex on Fire” by Kings of Leon comes blaring through my headphones, I am struck with a brilliant idea.

  I leap out of bed, shuffling around to the music while plotting out my ingenious plan.

  I feel ridiculous. And I bet I look ridiculous.

  My ingenious plan isn’t so genius now that I’m actually acting it out. I’m a tad chilly and am getting a slight cramp, but I have no time to chicken out because the front door downstairs has just closed.

  My plans of escape are long gone.

  Rearranging myself, I shuffle up the bed quietly, listening intently.

  I can hear bottles in the fridge rattle as Jasper opens the door, no doubt standing in front of it, the dim light inside bouncing off his perfect features as he grabs a beer.

  I hope he’s not hungry, as I can’t remain in this position much longer without losing face.

  Thankfully, I hear his heavy footsteps trudge up the stairs, and my insides do a tiny flip-flop in excitement, and trepidation.

  This is it, Ava. You’re a strong, powerful sexy woman. My goals are more important than my fear. I am the lioness of the jungle, ready to pounce.

  Who the hell uses these positive affirmations, because they are so not helping right now!

  Taking a deep, steady breath as Jasper opens his bedroom door, I can see he’s taken aback when confronted with the millions of candles I have laid around the bedroom, trying to set a mood, and hopefully, not setting the house on fire in the process.

  “What the…” he gasps, and then his eyes land on his bed.

  Well, they land on me.

  I am lying on his bed, in the most seductive pose I can muster, without looking like a total dweeb.

  “Ava?” he asks as he steps into his bedroom, slightly stunned to see me sprawled on his bed like a Playboy Bunny.

  “Happy birthday,” I reply softly, giving him my best attempt at ‘bedroom eyes.’

  I practiced in the mirror for about twenty minutes, so it better come across as sexy, and not like I’m severely cross-eyed.

  He strolls over to the end of the bed, looking down where I lay, propped up on one elbow with a knee bent, gazing up at him.

  “Th-thanks,” he stutters while eying my body not so discreetly.

  Win for me! Jasper, who is usually so eloquent, is lost for words.

  Smoothing out my black chiffon nightgown, which scarcely covers my bare skin, Jasper watches intently as my hands glide over my flesh. I demand the blush about to creep over my body to keep away, because now is not the time for modesty.

  He licks his bow lips and runs a hand through his hair, fisting it into a messy peak. He looks amazing. Even at 2 a.m., after working all night, he looks as if he’s stepped off a runway in his grey sleeveless hoodie and faded blue jeans, which are tucked into his loosely tied, scuffed combat boots.

  “Are you my birthday present?” he asks, his eyes lingering on the sheer material at my breasts.

  Before I have a chance to answer or blush he adds, “Because if you are, I want to unwrap you now.”

  As his gaze dips lower, I feel my face redden. But I need to get over my bashfulness because I’m here for a reason.

  “Take off your shirt,” I command. Wow, that sounded a little bossy. So I add, “Please.”

  Jasper raises a dark eyebrow and gives me a small smirk, but he happily complies. He lifts his arms and reaches behind, just below his neck, which in turn, flexes his upper arms very, very nicely. He yanks the top off over his head, and as the garment is lifted, it’s like all my Christmases have come at o
nce.

  As he unceremoniously tugged the garment off, he has messed up his hair further, and it sweeps across his face at different angles. I eye the dip between his collarbones and my tongue on its own accord, slips out, wetting my parted lips, desperate to lick the crevice repeatedly.

  His chest is totally hairless, but as my eyes slowly descend to his glorious, hardened abs, I let out an involuntary gasp, as the candlelight illuminates the light dusting of hair on his stomach, which travels down into his hip hugging jeans. The flickers of candlelight have turned his soft, milky skin into golden, rigid planes.

  Holy shit, he is fucking mind blowing!

  “You’re beautiful,” I whisper aloud.

  Slightly embarrassed by my choice of words, I gingerly meet his gaze.

  “I think I should be the one telling you that, although beautiful doesn’t even skim the surface of how incredible you look, sprawled out on my bed half naked.”

  Giving him a small smile, I watch hungrily as he steps out of his boots and crawls towards me from the end of the bed. I lie down slowly, welcoming the weight of his body on mine.

  Our faces are mere inches apart, as his hands rest on the pillow beside my head, holding his full weight off me. I can’t help myself as I tongue my lower lip, peering into his profound cerulean eyes.

  “I love you, Jasper.”

  “I love you, Ava,” he replies quickly, leaning down and capturing my mouth with his.

  The kiss is fueled with emotion and urgency, and I embrace it with both hands as I reach up and fist his silken hair between my fingers. I know I’m pulling a little hard, but judging by his muffled moans, Jasper is enjoying the intensity.

  With one hand still resting alongside my head holding up his weight, the other begins a slow, torturous journey of my body. His skilled fingers skim over my neck, running down across my breasts, and I know he can feel my pebbled nipples peaking through the sheer lace, as I am totally naked underneath.

  I buck underneath him when his hand slips lower, brushing over the apex of my thighs, and I want him to be on me, in me, so I open my legs wider, showing him where I want him to be.

  Thankfully he reads me loud and clear. He trails his fingertips up my bare thigh, finally touching my center.