Tara

by Jennifer Bene

  “Perform?” Alaric turned and finally looked at her, but she leveled a stare at him and she thought he blushed before he turned away again. “Nevermind, I get it. Did he hurt you?” The muscles in his back were tense again, but Tara just sighed.

  “He never hurt me unless they made him. We didn’t have choices, Alaric. In that culture we were nothing. As slaves, to them, we could have just as easily been a table, or a plate, or any object. We were not citizens, and therefore we were nothing, and no was not a word we were allowed. Whatever kyrios wanted, we did, or the consequences were usually much worse.” Tara spoke quietly, partly so she wouldn’t move her stomach too much, and partly because she would prefer Alaric to have an uneducated idea of her past.

  “That’s horrible.”

  “That’s slavery, and it didn’t end when Rome fell. It’s never stopped.” Tara gritted her teeth, trying to remind herself that it didn’t matter. This was her life, and there was no point in fighting it. “Enough about that though.”

  “Tara –” Alaric started but this time Tara cut him off.

  “As you said, the story isn’t over. Kyrios was violent and had an equal interest in tormenting both Leonidas and I. On any day he would decide to gift us to someone, or have us beaten for the entertainment of his soldiers. And through all of it, Leonidas was so calm. He was tall and strong and could have hurt them, but he didn’t.” Tara’s chest clenched as his voice rang in her head. “He always told me it didn’t matter what they did, we just had to detach and then they couldn’t hurt us.”

  There were the tears.

  Her chest burned from the cry she was keeping inside, she felt them rolling too hot down her cheeks and immediately wiped them away, wincing as the movement of her arms pulled at her stomach. Alaric looked slightly panicked at seeing her cry.

  “I’m sorry, Tara, I’m sorry I asked. Just forget it.” He tentatively reached out and gripped her arm, trying to reassure her. She just shook her head, shutting the emotions back down.

  “I haven’t told anyone about him before, it’s just hard to remember. I’m fine.” I’m fine. She pushed away all the raw emotion and did what Leonidas had tried so hard to teach her. She detached. Something she had grown incredibly skilled at in the last fourteen hundred years, and something that if she had been able to do when he was alive – maybe he would have survived.

  “You can stop, we can talk about it later.” He squeezed her arm again.

  “No. The story is almost over anyway.” Her voice was more even, still tinged with pain, but it was the gunshot wound and not her memories. “There was one day, I still don’t know what we did to make kyrios angry, but let’s just say it was bad. For both of us. When we were finally going back to kyrios’ tent I just broke down.”

  Tara’s memories flooded her like she was still standing in the dirt with Leonidas towering above her. Alaric had wanted to know about Leonidas, and she’d probably needed to tell someone for centuries – so she finally did.

  “Philos,” Leonidas wrapped his arms around her until she was pressed to his chest and the sobs were quieter. Everything hurt and she was careful with where she put her hands since under his tunic his back was marked by one of the softer leather lashes that would leave painful welts but not break skin. “Philos? Tara, tell me what I can do for you.”

  “I can’t do this anymore.” She kept her voice incredibly quiet. If someone were to hear her it would put them both in danger.

  “You have to separate from it, you have to detach so you are not there.” Leonidas made it sound so easy, like turning over a bowl and emptying yourself out of your own body. In six hundred years she had never been able to do that. And in less than twenty-two years he had mastered it.

  “I can’t. I’ve tried and I can’t. I feel all of it, and there’s been so many years of it. I fear Eltera will never come for me, and the things that happen –”

  “I know.” And he did. That was the worst part. He knew everything. They hurt him too, and he was so often with her when they hurt her. Kyrios knew it broke them down to see the other hurt. When they had first been sold they hadn’t known each other at all, but now their bond was real.

  A group of soldiers walked by them and made vulgar gestures, and Tara scrubbed her face free of tears, biting her lip to keep from reacting. Leonidas didn’t respond but he let go of her so they could continue towards the tent. Tara was trying to get herself back under control as they moved. Weakness would always be taken advantage of. She spent most of her energy trying to remain stoic and calm. Leonidas did it effortlessly.

  “Don’t you want it to end, Leonidas?” His shoulder muscles twitched when she whispered the question, and her eyes moved over the criss-crossed welts peeking out at the top of his broad back.

  “That isn’t possible, philos.”

  “They can’t hurt us if we’re dead.” The words were barely out of her mouth when he turned and grabbed her arms, his blue eyes wide as he leaned down to her face.

  “No, Tara. And you’re immortal, the gods have decreed you cannot die. The discussion is foolish and dangerous –“

  “I can be killed. Take off my head and Eltera can’t heal me. I lost sisters that way before.” The tears were flowing again and an ache was in her chest as she looked at the pain on his face.

  “Is that what you want?” He spoke so softly, and all Tara could do was nod. He crushed her against him again, his arms wrapping around her, brushing against the burning welts on her own back. She could feel his chest rising and falling rapidly, his warm skin threatening to overheat her, but she didn’t try to step away. It was one of the only times she felt somewhat safe. When he held her.

  “Then I will do it for you, philos.” Leonidas whispered it into her ear, and her stomach flipped. There was shock that he had agreed, fear of the possibility of death, and excitement at the idea of freedom.

  “How?” She spoke against his chest and he squeezed her lightly before stepping back.

  “I will take care of it.”

  He didn’t say another word about it as they went back to the tent and lay on the floor, curling around each other. Neither could sleep if the other wasn’t there, it meant they weren’t alone. Tara wasn’t sure if the gods of the Romans had ever shown a real interest in her, she belonged to another pantheon completely, but the bond between her and Leonidas was there, whether or not Apollo had actually blessed them.

  ***

  The next day Leonidas spent most of it with kyrios, because as soon as Tara had woken, and healed, kyrios had sent her away so she couldn’t stay and comfort him. That night when she returned, exhausted from carrying water, cleaning the tents of his leaders, and servicing them as they demanded, Leonidas was waiting on their bundle of cloth that formed a crude bed. Beside him, underneath the edge of a carpet he lifted, was an axe.

  “Leonidas –” Tara whispered urgently and he instantly covered her mouth, shaking his head.

  He pulled her arms around him, and she held him as tightly as she could. They lay down and were mercifully ignored by kyrios as he came back, drank his wine, and collapsed into his bed. An hour of quiet passed and Leonidas sat up, placing a finger to her lips again to remind her to be quiet. Then he took the axe in hand and snuck them out of the tent.

  Fear rolled in her belly. If they caught him with the axe the punishment would be horrible. He pulled her away from the camp, down near the river where the moon reflected off the water. They walked further away until there was a flat space of land near the river. It was beautiful, the grass turning silver in the moonlight, the soft sound of water moving by, and with their backs to the camp there was nothing but a sea of grass before them.

  “I love you, Tara.” His low voice shook, and his eyes were somewhere near the ground at her feet. In that moment it felt like her heart had broken, cleaved in half in her chest but somehow still moving blood. It was like her ribs were caving in over its absence and tears came to her eyes instantly. Why would he wait to say those words now?r />
  Because there was no more time to say them.

  His hand clenched the handle of the axe as it hung by his side, and when Tara moved her arms around his waist, her head tucked just under his chin, she placed a kiss on his chest. “I love you as well, Leonidas.” He didn’t put his arms around her though, he pushed her back by her shoulder.

  “I’ll make it quick, philos.” He sounded more in pain now than he ever had.

  “They’ll kill you if they find out it was you.”

  “The gods would want me with you. We are déno̱ zév̱gos, they won’t allow us to be apart.”

  Ah. There was the reason he was willing to do it. He thought they would meet again in the afterlife. That his gods would reunite them so they could be free of pain and suffering.

  “I don’t belong to your gods, Leonidas. My own pantheon has twice claimed me, they will not release me.” Tara’s voice cracked and for a moment she thought he might be crying, but the shadow across his face made it too difficult to tell.

  “I will speak to Pluto then, perhaps he would release my soul from Hades and give my soul to Eltera. I will find you in the afterlife, philos. I swear it. We must be quick before kyrios notices our absence.” His voice was desperate, and she couldn’t take the hope from him. What did she know of the Romans and their gods? Perhaps they would be so kind.

  Tara wound her hair atop her head and laid down on the ground, from there she spoke again, “Eltera would be lucky to have you.” The face of her goddess, her adopted mother, swam in her mind, the pride on her face when she had taken the stone knife and given it to her father. The humor and gratitude when she’d watched Tara learn to fight with knives, the glory of so many battles won.

  The horror of one battle lost.

  Eltera had loved her, had remade her into someone strong and brave. Had given her eternal life to protect their people, and to serve her.

  Tara sat up suddenly and the axe buried into the earth in front of her. Leonidas choked out a sound and came to his knees next to her, and this time he hugged her against him tightly. She could feel his tears in her hair and on her shoulder as he shook with quiet sobs.

  Her eyes couldn’t leave the sight of the axe buried in the earth. He really would have done it for her, even though it would have torn him apart.

  “I should have never asked you for this. I’m so sorry Leonidas.” She spoke through her own tears and he didn’t respond. “I feel like I can’t go on, but I can’t end the life Eltera gave me.”

  “So you will stay?” His rough voice wrenched her heart more, and she nodded against his chest.

  “Yes, I will.”

  “I wouldn’t have wanted to live without you.” He confessed to her hair. In the dark of the night, in the quiet of the field, he finally showed her that all of it affected him too.

  “You would have let them kill you.”

  “It would have been mercy. Before they bound me to you, there was nothing but darkness. Having you to talk to, having someone who cared, that gave me something to wake up for.” He spoke quietly and slowly relaxed his arms around her and she was able to take a full breath. “Without you there would be nothing.”

  “I won’t leave you, Leonidas, I swear it. Let’s go back.”

  It took them longer to get back. Neither wanted to lie down in the tent of their master and resign themselves to their lives again. Their confessions had opened up a conversation between them that couldn’t be forgotten. Leonidas may be able to detach, but he couldn’t deny it bothered him anymore.

  This time when they slept he pressed his back against her front and she did her best to wrap her arms around his broad shoulders as they fell asleep.

  ***

  Eltera’s light came and went in the morning, but in the quiet of the camp at dawn she didn’t move from Leonidas’ side. She wrapped her arm around him again so he would know he wasn’t alone in his sleep. His muscles relaxed unconsciously and it made her smile that in all the world he trusted only her.

  And she had almost betrayed that trust.

  She wouldn’t be so stupid again, she wouldn’t crack under the pressure. She would figure out how to detach so she could be as strong for him as he was for her. She must have fallen back to sleep as Eltera’s power faded, because she was jerked awake by shouting and rough hands pulling her up and away from Leonidas.

  “Did you plan to kill me?!” Kyrios shouted down at them as several soldiers dragged Leonidas to his feet, his own eyes as bewildered as hers.

  Their master lifted the axe in his hands, and Tara screamed, “No, kyrios, never!”

  “I was speaking to Leonidas!” Her master’s rage activated the bands on her wrists and she buckled in the arms of the soldiers as sudden, sharp pain crept up her arms, leaving her breathless as she felt like her ribs were burning and breaking all at once.

  “No, kyrios.” Leonidas had already detached, she could hear it in the dead calm of his voice, and see it in the relaxed muscles of his body.

  “Liar!” Their master backhanded him hard across the face and through her own pain she winced as blood appeared on his lip. “Take them outside.”

  The soldiers pushed them out into the morning light, a small crowd gathering as word spread through the camp of the commotion in their strategos’ tent.

  “Kneel, both of you!” The bands activated and it didn’t take much prompting from the soldiers for Tara to collapse to her knees. They had Leonidas several feet away, too far away to reach out to him.

  “If not to kill me, why have this axe? I know only Leonidas could have held it with any accuracy.” His voice seethed with rage as he drew a short sword and moved closer to Leonidas.

  “NO!” Tara shouted through the pain, even as it doubled when his rage focused on her. “It was for me, kyrios, it was for me! I begged Leonidas to kill me, it was my fault. Mine alone. Leonidas refused!”

  “Then why have the axe?” He stepped in front of her and backhanded her hard enough to send her to the dirt at her side. Compared to the pain from the bands, the strike was background noise. She pushed herself back up.

  “I took it, to try and convince him to kill me.” Tara spoke clearly, ignoring the pain in her mouth, and her arms, and the feeling of suffocating as the muscles in her chest clenched.

  “DO NOT LIE TO ME!” He roared at her and the bands glowed so brightly they stung her eyes, and it felt like all of her bones were breaking at once. When it finally started to fade she realized she was sobbing, and he grabbed her face. “Tell me the truth. What happened?”

  Her lungs felt like they were filled with fire already, and she knew a lie wouldn’t leave her lips with the command he had given. “The axe was to kill me.” True.

  “Who got the axe?” He shouted the question as if he were an actor and the gathering crowd his audience. Tara bit down on her tongue, tasting blood. There was no version of truth she could give to that question. She didn’t even know where Leonidas had obtained it.

  “I did, kyrios.” Leonidas spoke and looked at her in pain, and she wanted to curse him, to scream at him, but it would only make his confession more valid.

  “To kill Tara?”

  “Yes, kyrios.” Leonidas bowed his head, and Tara lunged for him but the soldiers held her back by her hair and her arms. The bands ripped pain through her again and she sobbed. She wanted to shut his mouth, hold it closed so he couldn’t confess.

  “You would take my property from me?” Their master raised his voice as he pulled Leonidas’ head back up by his hair.

  “I wanted to set her free the only way I could.” He didn’t show an ounce of fear, always the cool water to her raging fire. She was screaming and sobbing. He was still and stone faced.

  Even with the pain from the bands, the two soldiers were barely enough to keep her back from him. Spots danced in her vision as her body threatened to faint under the strain. She pleaded, “It was all my idea, kyrios! I speak the truth! You know I cannot lie to you after your command. Please, punish me!
Do not punish Leonidas for being the one to hear my request!”

  “Silence her!” One of the soldiers wrapped his rough hand over her mouth and she screamed again, the pain from the bands as she fought making her dizzy and sick.

  “You brought a weapon into my tent. You admit to planning to kill my property, you admit to wanting to free a slave, even if that freedom was death.” Kyrios spoke in a frighteningly soft tone.

  “Yes.” Leonidas locked eyes with him, and she knew the moment their master made the decision. She screamed until her throat felt raw, but it didn’t stop the short sword from coming up in a swift arc, slitting Leonidas’ throat.

  The soldiers held him a moment as his blood painted his chest red in the morning light, a choking sound filled the air, and the light went out of his sky blue eyes. Tara felt something inside her break as she screamed. She was alone.

  Without Leonidas, none of it mattered.

  “He killed him in front of you?” Alaric was staring at her with an open mouth.

  The cold separation in her body was the same as the first time she had successfully detached, when the pain of Leonidas’ death had snapped something inside her. It had made her ‘self’ a loose thing that she could move, that she could send somewhere else when reality was too much.

  After that day it hadn’t mattered what they did to her, she was never there anyway. She slept horribly without him near her, even for centuries after. There had been nothing but the cold fog inside her repeating her nightmares.

  Then she’d found music to fill the empty spaces inside her. That had been some comfort.

  That day she’d cried so hard for him that she’d damaged her vocal chords. Her sobs had continued until morning, and it was the last time she had felt anything that strongly. Even now, the cool buffer of being detached kept the memories from completely tearing her apart.

  Alaric had asked her a question. What was it? Tara forced herself to return to the present.