Guarded

by L. A. Witt

  Or that I wouldn’t?

  His smile let me know the latter was the furthest thing from his mind. His long, deep kiss told me we didn’t need to say anything else.

  We lay together in silence for a while, until the shadows around the blinds grew longer and my stomach started to rumble. “Hungry?” Jase asked, fingers combing through the ends of my hair.

  “I could eat.” Especially since I hadn’t had anything but coffee this morning.

  “Can you cook?”

  I laughed. “Why? Can’t you?”

  “Well enough to feed myself, but I wouldn’t make anyone else eat it.” He sighed. “Which doesn’t make much difference, come to think of it, since I doubt there’s anything edible in my fridge.”

  I grinned. “Pizza or Chinese?”

  “We’ll flip a coin,” he said, kissing me before reaching for his phone.

  * * *

  We ordered a large pepperoni and sat on the living room floor inhaling it right out of the greasy box, licking every last morsel off our fingers. Funny how food always tasted so much better when you were fucking ravenous. After, we curled up in front of Jase’s recliner, half-dozing until I spied a guitar propped against the wall. “Mind if I…”

  “Be my guest.” Jase grabbed it and handed it to me. “It’s probably out of tune.”

  No kidding—the first note I plucked sounded flatter than hammered shit. I pulled the guitar into my lap and started tuning it. Nothing in particular floated to mind, so I just started playing, bits and pieces of finished songs and snatches of stuff that wasn’t quite working yet, one song bleeding into the next—until inevitably, I segued into “Forth Into Light.”

  Jase’s fingers skimmed my shoulder. “I don’t remember hearing that part before. Did you just come up with it?”

  “Guess so.” I smiled up at him, a sweet, dreamy haze washing over me. Was I still in subspace? I’d spent the last two weeks trying in vain to find this kind of peace and calm. I didn’t want it fading anytime soon. “Looks like I’m finally getting my mojo back.”

  “You should record it, just in case.”

  Didn’t need to tell me twice. I’d lost way too many great ideas because I didn’t have the foresight to turn on my MP3 recorder. But here…

  “There’s a voice recorder on my phone,” I said. “Did you—”

  “It’s in my bag.” He went into the bedroom to get it. Came back and flicked it on. Set it on the arm of his recliner before sinking down next to me again. I glanced at the screen, trying to see if there were any messages. Jase said he’d tell me if anything urgent came up, but with Daniel still in rehab—

  “Jordan,” he said softly, “Let me take care of you, okay? Which means letting me take care of this.” He held up the phone. “No stress, no distractions, remember? The recorder’s on. So play.”

  I closed my eyes and let my fingers float over the strings, trying to find the opening notes for that new verse that’d come so easily to me a few minutes ago. I hummed. I played another bar or two, then adjusted the tuning. Where did the damn song go?

  Jase’s hand slid up the back of my neck, carded through my hair. “You said you knew how I felt ever since...?” His eyebrow arched. “Ever since when?”

  My throat felt like there was something stuck in it. Why was it so hard to say? “That day you came to take me to see Daniel, and you...” I swallowed, the collar around my neck going tight. “You shaved me. You took care of me. I was a fucking mess, and you didn’t turn tail and run off screaming. You stayed. That’s how I knew.”

  “Oh, Jordan,” he breathed, dropping a kiss on top of my head. “Is that the real reason you sent me away the night you had the migraine?”

  Eyes stinging, I nodded.

  “You really thought I’d reject you if I ever saw you sick, or in need?”

  “Well, now I know you wouldn’t. Doesn’t that count for anything?”

  “I wasn’t keeping score.”

  I sighed. “It’s hard to know sometimes who’s for real in this business. I’ve trusted a lot of people who’ve either screwed me over or let me down. But you... you never have. You never would.” Smiling, I turned my head to meet his lips. “You’re one of the most pure-hearted people I’ve ever met. And I’m still trying to figure out how I got so lucky.”

  “Pure-hearted?” He laughed. “This, to the guy who took a fair amount of skin off your back the other night?”

  “An act of caring and mercy. What else would you call it?” I leaned in to kiss him again—

  And my phone buzzed not two inches from my ear. Poor Jase nearly had to peel me off the ceiling. “What the fuck?” He scooped up the phone. “You’ve got a message.”

  He held it out to me, but I didn’t want to touch it. This was supposed to be Jase’s and my private time. Just a few fucking days to ourselves, was that too much to ask?

  I didn’t recognize the number at first, then it pinged me—the rehab center. My gut churning from more than the pizza, I hit “play.”

  “Hey, Jordan, it’s me,” Daniel said. “They’re letting me have phone privileges now. I, uh, I’m feeling good. Really good, in fact, and, um, wondering why I haven’t seen you in the last few days?” Throat clearing, then, “Martin came to see me yesterday. Um, look, don’t wait for me, okay? Get the band back out on the road and I’ll catch up with you—”

  “Fuck!” I sprang up, dialing Martin’s number. “Fucking Martin went to visit Daniel, and now Daniel’s upset—”

  “Hey, calm down.” Jase reached for the phone. “Didn’t we agree you wouldn’t make any calls unless it was an emergency?”

  “But, but Daniel’s—”

  “Aside from being upset, did he sound okay?”

  Now that you mention it… “Yeah.” I hit “end call” and handed the phone over. “And not that upset, actually. I’m just... I can’t stop being worried about him.”

  “Which is exactly why you need this down time.”

  “Would you, um…” Oh shit, don’t say it. “Would you mind taking me to see him?”

  “Yes, Jordan, I would mind.” He sighed. “The whole purpose of this... retreat was to help you rest and de-stress. We haven’t even been here twenty-four hours, and already you want to bolt. Why? Because Daniel’s bored and wants you to come visit him?”

  “But he’s in there by himself—”

  “He’s got the entire staff and all the other patients for company.”

  “I want to see him, Jase,” I said quietly. “I want to make sure he’s okay.”

  “And you will. In a few days.”

  “Tomorrow? Please?”

  “No, Jordan.” Command tone. Did he really think I was going to turn back into an obedient little sub? “Look, I’ve never asked you for anything,” Jase said more softly, “but I’m asking for this. Don’t go. Let us have our few days alone together. Daniel will be fine.”

  In other words, I want to see if you’ll still choose him over me.

  Chapter Twenty

  Jase

  Jordan’s fingers moved stiffly on the guitar. His gaze was distant, but his features were taut, his eyebrows pulled together and his lips thin and pale.

  I didn’t recognize anything he was playing. The tune he’d strummed earlier was gone, replaced by bits and pieces of something sharp and staccato, the kind of music that would accompany the biting lyrics of a song everyone hoped was written about someone else.

  My gaze drifted to the phone sitting on the armrest beside me. Everything had been fine until I’d brought out that damned thing. Until it had announced that Daniel had tried to call him. And now that Jordan had heard Daniel’s voice, all the pieces I’d carefully helped him arrange had fallen, like he’d been an emotional game of Jenga and Daniel was the piece that brought the whole thing toppling down.

  Jordan’s song came to an awkward halt. His fingers plucked at the strings, but the notes didn’t come together into any semblance of order. Then they stopped altogether. Sighing, he put t
he guitar aside.

  Then silence. Total fucking silence. He fixed his gaze on something on the far wall, or maybe something beyond it, and didn’t say a word.

  I picked up the phone and turned off the voice recorder. Jordan glanced at the phone, then at me, and then back to whatever it was that had held his attention a moment ago.

  As I set the phone on the armrest, I said, “Anything you want to talk about?”

  He glared up at me. “I guess that depends. What am I allowed to talk about?”

  I sighed. “Jordan, we’re—”

  “I’m sorry if you wanted me all to yourself for a few days, but you’ll have to get in line.” He stood. “Everyone and their goddamned mother wants a piece of—”

  “Jordan.”

  His teeth snapped shut, and when he met my eyes, his narrowed, as if he resented the fact that I’d been able to silence him like that.

  I stood too, wishing for a moment I wasn’t this much taller than him. We needed to be on level ground right now, and the height difference wasn’t helping.

  “I’m not trying to have you all to myself.” Am I?

  He raised his chin a bit, setting his jaw. “Then what are you doing?”

  “Trying to give you a break.”

  A huff of humorless laughter escaped his taut lips. “Cutting me off from the rest of the world isn’t really a break, is it?”

  Not as much as I’d hoped.

  A million arguments came to the tip of my tongue. This could turn into a fight of epic proportions if I didn’t step carefully, and maybe it needed to turn into a fight like that. Maybe the only way we were going to dig deep enough into this to fix it was to piss off everyone within a five-block radius.

  But not on the heels of both of us admitting we loved each other. Not while his back was still healing and my head still felt heavy from that damned top drop. Not with Daniel’s voice on his phone and their manager applying pressure on those who couldn’t cope with it, and not with my own misguided attempt to help blowing up in our faces. Everything was too raw. Too many wounds pulled too wide open to do anything except damage control.

  I swallowed. “Do you trust me?”

  The momentary hesitation said it all, and my chest was already tightening before his half-assed words came out: “Of course I do.”

  I inclined my head. “Do you?”

  Jordan exhaled and broke eye contact, the hostility in his posture wavering. Running a hand through his hair, he whispered, “I want to.”

  “And up until today, you did.”

  He looked at me again, and this time his eyes were full of palpable fury. “Up until today, I didn’t think you were quite so jealous of Daniel.”

  I blinked. “You…”

  “He’s in rehab, he’s losing his mind, and now he’s got Martin harassing him.” He straightened, folding his arms across his chest. “And instead of letting me go visit him for a few fucking minutes so he can feel like he’s not completely alone, and so he can focus on getting better, you’re more concerned with having me all to your fucking self for a weekend.”

  “Whoa, whoa.” I put up my hands. “Don’t turn it around like that.”

  “Turn it around?” He laughed humorlessly. “How else am I supposed to take it, Jase? You don’t want me touching my phone. I have no car. No keys. Just you telling me it’s for my own good.” He held my gaze, a mix of panic, hurt, and fear in his eyes. Barely whispering, he added, “What am I supposed to think?”

  “Oh my God, Jordan.” I wanted to reach for him, but suddenly didn’t think that touch would be welcome. “I am so sorry. I... I didn’t mean any of it like that at all. I’m…” Without looking at him, I grabbed my keys off the table. “Get dressed. I’ll take you home.”

  He stiffened, as if that wasn’t the response he expected.

  “This was supposed to be a chance for you to be away from all the stress in your life.” I watched my fingers turning the keys over and over between them. “Not hold you hostage.”

  Jordan’s lips parted. “Now you’re kicking me out?”

  “Kicking you out? Of course not!” I shook my head.

  “I don’t... I don’t understand.” He exhaled hard. “One second you won’t let me go see Daniel or touch my phone. The next you want me to leave?”

  “I don’t want you to leave. But the last thing I ever want to be is the controlling asshole who calls himself a Dom.” I couldn’t resist, and caressed his cheek. “I just want us to go back to a place where you’re in control, and maybe we can figure things out from there.”

  I couldn’t decide what dominated his expression—hurt, confusion, anger, or if he was just plain lost—but this definitely wasn’t what I wanted him to feel. This was all fucked up, and it was my own damned fault. I just hoped to God I could fix it.

  I gestured toward the bedroom. “Go get dressed.”

  When he came back out, fully-dressed for the first time since we’d arrived here, I held up a small key.

  “Before we go, I should take that off.”

  His hand went to the collar, and he swallowed. “Do... do we have to?”

  “You don’t want to?”

  “I’m…” Jordan closed his eyes and sighed. “I don’t know what I want.”

  I stepped closer and touched his arm. “I made you feel unsafe. I think it’s best we take this off until we’re back on solid ground.”

  “But we’re... we’re not over, are we?” Please say we’re not, his eyes added.

  It hurt like hell knowing I could have this effect on him. Upset him, scare him, and still have him begging me not to push him away. God, if he ever ended up in the hands of an abusive Dom…

  The thought made me shudder.

  “I’m not going anywhere,” I said softly, squeezing his arm. “We’re just working out the bugs. Finding our footing. Sometimes that means taking a few steps forward and a few more steps back.”

  He fingered the collar, and when his Adam’s apple bobbed against it, he winced.

  Holding up the key again, I said, “May I?”

  Without looking at me, he nodded.

  I carefully reached for the collar, steadied the lock between my fingers, and put in the key. At the click of the lock, Jordan squeezed his eyes shut, lips pulling into a grimace.

  I slipped the collar free and held it loosely between my fingers, staring at the strip of black leather and wondering where the hell we went from here.

  Then I took Jordan’s wrist and gently brought it up between us. As I pressed the collar into his palm, I said, “I want you to hold onto it. When you’re ready to wear it again, just say the word.”

  He looked down at the collar, and slowly, closed his fingers around it.

  I left the key in the lock and withdrew my hand. “Let’s go.”

  The ride was uncomfortably silent. I was partly impatient for us to get out of this car, and partly afraid of what would happen when we did. By then, maybe some of this would have settled in his mind. Maybe he’d have come to a conclusion or two, made a decision about this and us and whatever the hell came next, and I begged any deity who would listen that whatever that was didn’t involve us going our separate ways.

  While he stared out the passenger side window, I gripped the wheel and concentrated on the lane ahead of me. How had I misread him so badly? I knew damn well he came undone when he didn’t have something to focus on—had I really thought he could turn that off for a few days? And keep it off when he was reminded that all those things existed?

  And Daniel. God. I should’ve known. No matter how much I wanted to spare him an all too familiar pain, I was an idiot if I thought keeping him away from Daniel would do him a damn bit of good. Some time apart was absolutely healthy for both of them, but on their terms. On Jordan’s.

  Not on mine.

  A sign announced a particular freeway exit coming up, and I tapped my thumb on the steering wheel. Two miles to make a decision.

  No. This would only make things worse. />
  Yes. This was what he wanted.

  No. What the fuck was I thinking?

  Yes. What choice did I have?

  With almost no room to spare, I turned on my blinker and took the off ramp.

  Beside me, Jordan sat up straighter. “Where are we going?”

  “Where I should’ve taken you earlier.”

  He fell silent. He had to have known. It wasn’t like this route was unfamiliar to him, and it wasn’t until I pulled into the parking lot outside the rehab center that he asked, “Why are we here?”

  “Because I shouldn’t have kept you from him.” I parked, left the engine idling, and faced him. “If this is what you need to do, then it’s not my place to tell you otherwise.”

  He stared at me, and I tried not to notice the conspicuous absence of the collar around his slender neck.

  I took a deep breath. “Take as long as you need. I’ll wait out here, and take you home whenever you’re ready.”

  He still didn’t move. “What does all this mean for us?” He paused, chewing his lip. “Are we just... done?”

  “No, of course not. I mean, not unless you want us to—”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “Then we’re not. But, I need this to be something you want. Nothing that’s against your will.” I gestured at the facility. “Including keeping you from people you love.”

  Jordan flinched. He looked down at his hands, but didn’t speak.

  “Go see him,” I said. “And I’m... I’m sorry.”

  His eyes flicked toward the rehab center. He was quiet for a long, long time.

  “I do love you, Jase.” He finally turned toward me. “But you need to know I’ll always love Daniel. I won’t apologize for that.”

  “I don’t want you to.” I met his gaze and held it. “The last thing I’ve ever wanted is to come between you two. I know you love him. I’ve known that since I met you.” I swallowed hard. “None of this has ever been about him, Jordan. Only you.” I paused. “And yes, I do care about him too.”

  He searched my eyes, as if he didn’t know if I was being sincere, or if there was something more he needed to hear before he could move on.