by Amber Garza
“So was it awkward for you? Seeing Lola again?” He calls from the couch.
I slam the fridge shut and walk back toward him, both sodas fisted in my hands. “Yeah. Especially since she was with her new boyfriend.”
“What a tool, huh?”
I laugh, handing him the soda can. “Totally.” Then I drop back down onto the couch. It sinks beneath my weight. “Did you know about him for awhile?”
Beckett nods.
“Nobody said anything to me about it.” I wonder why Star or Beckett didn’t warn me about Nolan. I mean, I see the two of them all the time.
“Would you have wanted to know? Because honestly, man, if Star and I broke up and she had a new boyfriend I wouldn’t want to know.” An angry smile passes over his lips and he balls his hands into fists. “If I did, I might want to kill him.”
“Easy there,” I joke, putting out a hand. “Star only has eyes for you.”
“Do you blame her?” Beckett cocks an eyebrow, reminding me of the Beckett I’ve known for years.
I shake my head, my mind once again flickering to Lola. “I have no idea what Lola sees in that guy.”
Beckett pops open his soda with a loud snap. “Apparently he’s some guy her parents fixed her up with. He’s a doctor or something.”
My insides coil. “Ah. Yes. The pre-med guy. I should’ve known.”
“You knew about him?” He sips his soda while shifting his gaze to me.
I nod. “Yeah. Her parents were trying to push him on her long before we broke up. She assured me that she wasn’t interested, but maybe that was a lie.” Just saying the words hurts more than I can express.
“Sorry, man.” Beckett shifts uncomfortably. He may have softened a little, but I know he’s still not completely comfortable with all this serious conversation. He’s a lot like Lola that way, actually. Sarcasm is his preferred method of communication. “If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think she really is that interested, even now.”
My head snaps up. “What makes you say that?”
“Just some stuff I’ve overheard. I get the feeling she’s just with him out of obligation.”
“Really?” A tiny bud of hope takes root in my chest and unfurls slowly.
“Stop it with the mushy school girl look,” he warns. “She’s still with the guy. And you and I both know that chick is complicated. Who knows what she’s gonna do.”
“Hey, well at least she didn’t go after you the way Fiona did,” I say.
His head whips in my direction. I’m sure he’s stunned. It’s not something we talk about anymore. “You don’t know how many times I’ve wished that hadn’t happened.”
“I know,” I concede. “I really thought she loved me. If I didn’t I never would’ve told her the truth. I still can’t believe she reacted the way she did.”
“I was floored when she came on to me, man. And you know me. I’m pretty used to chicks being into me.”
I chuckle lightly. “Yeah, so I’ve heard.”
“But Fiona was your girl. I would never mess with that.”
“Who knew my secret would push her away like that.”
“Maybe Lola will surprise you,” Beckett says. “I know I’ve always said she’s like Fiona, but Star seems to think otherwise.” He nudges me. “And she’s got pretty good taste.”
After rolling my eyes, I mull over Beckett’s words. I think about the way Lola stared at me tonight. I’m sure I didn’t imagine the look in her eyes. She still cares about me, even if it’s only a little bit. And I have to believe that at some point I’ll be able to win her back.
24
Lola
Pure torture. That’s what the last week has been since I saw Ryker at the restaurant. Something snapped in me that night. The next few days with Nolan I started getting irritated with everything he did. By the time he left, the mere fact that he was still breathing got under my skin. When I dropped him off at the airport he asked me about it. Unable to continue with the whole charade, I told him the truth. That I didn’t love him, and that I never would. Honestly, he didn’t even seem that upset. Shocked maybe. But not upset. Not even sad. It made it even more clear to me that I made the right decision.
I just hope I haven’t made it too late.
Standing in front of the door I’ve knocked on a million times, anxiety seizes me. I take deep, steadying breaths and reach up my arm to tentatively knock. It’s raining, and the awning is so thin it barely covers me. Rain splatters into my hair and runs down my face. Ryker opens the door wearing jeans and a t-shirt, his hair tousled. His eyes widen in surprise, and his expression is so familiar to me it makes my heart squeeze. I want to reach up and run my fingers through his hair. I want to hold him, to touch him. But I stay rooted in place, gathering up all my courage to say what needs to be said.
“Lola?” he squeaks out. “What’s going on? Is everything okay?”
It’s now or never. I swallow hard. “Last week you asked me a question, and I’m ready to answer it.”
He glances up at the sky. “C’mon in out of the rain.”
I shake my head. “Just let me finish, please.” Before I lose my nerve. I take a deep breath, shoving my fingers down into the pocket of my jacket. “Nolan is exactly right for me. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a guy.”
Ryker nods in understanding, and the look of hurt on his face almost breaks me.
“Nolan is smart and driven. He’s going to be a doctor someday, you know? And he treats me really well.” My hair is pretty wet now and it drips down my back, but I don’t move. I don’t even care. I’m on mission, and I’m not going anywhere until I accomplish it.
“Good. You deserve to be treated well, Lola.” He gives me a sad smile. “I get it. This guy can clearly give you a life I can’t. I’m sure your parents are thrilled.”
“Yeah, they are.” I step forward. A raindrop lands on my eyelash, and I blink it out. “But I’m not.”
“What?” His eyebrows lift.
“Ryker, you know me. I’m a planner. And you’ve never fit into the plan I have for my life. But the thing is that you make me happy. You make me feel loved and whole. Ryker, when I’m with you I feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. You’re the only person who accepts me just like I am.” My lips quiver a little and I bite down on them. “You asked me if I loved Nolan, and the answer is no. I can’t love him because I’m already in love with someone else. Someone who makes my heart beat fast, someone who makes my head swirl, someone who infuriates me sometimes, but I still love him anyway. What I’m trying to say is that I’m so sorry I couldn’t say it the other night, but I love you, Ryker.”
“You don’t know what it means to me to hear you say that.” He wraps his arms around me, drawing me to him. “I’m sorry I hurt you, Lola. I’ll never do it again. I promise.” He speaks into my hair.
“I know.” I pull back, searching his eyes. His face is wet now too.
“I love you, Lola. More than ever,” he says, before pressing his lips against mine ever so softly. I reach up, fingering his hair as our mouths mingle together. He tightens his hold on me. “I’ve missed you so much,” he speaks against my lips. “The last six months have been hell without you.”
“You mean because of the withdrawals? You know you really should enroll in a twelve- step program. Or just buy a tube of red lipstick.”
“Damn I’ve missed you, Lola,” he growls.
I rest my hand against his chest, enjoying the feeling of his muscles under my palm. “Well, what are you waiting for? Don’t you want your fix?”
“Hell, I want more than a fix. I want you. Forever.”
“I want that too, Ryker.”
“Get in here, beautiful.” Hoisting me up, he lifts me off the ground and takes a step backward. I wrap my legs around his waist so I won’t fall. Once we’re inside he slams the door shut with his foot. Then he angles his face to mine. I loop my arm around his neck and squeeze my legs tighter to cement my position.
His hands cup my bottom as he holds me in place and his mouth finds mine. As he kisses me and his mouth melds with mine, it’s like I’ve finally come home.
He carries me to the couch and gently lowers me down. Pinning me in with both arms, he comes up over the top of me. His mouth claims mine again with insistence. I bring my hands up, gripping his hair in my fingers while kissing him back hard, passionately. I wrap my legs around his waist and pull him to me, until his chest is pressed against mine. Our heartbeats mingle together and it sounds like a beautiful melody to me. He draws his lips from mine, gulping in air.
“You know, for the past six months this room has been a difficult one to be in,” he says, breathlessly.
“It has?” I run my fingers over the back of his neck, playing with strands of his hair.
“Yes. It was right here on this couch that you ended things. That memory has lingered in here like a horrible nightmare.”
“Well, then I guess we better fix that,” I say, pulling his face closer. Continuing to stroke his neck, I lift my face up until our lips meet again. He falls on top of me, his hands coming up to stroke my arms. They slide up to my neck and graze my face. His tongue slides over mine, and I grip his hair even tighter. It’s like I never want to let go. I’m desperate to stay right here with Ryker, forever, just like he promised.
I hear the door open and close. “Look who’s back,” Pierce’s voice interrupts us.
Ryker lifts his head from mine. He pushes off of me and sits up. I sit up too, smoothing down my wet hair and wiping lipstick from my chin and cheek.
“Hey, Lola.” Pierce waves at me as he walks past the couch.
“Hi, Pierce.”
“It’s good to see you.” He grins at Ryker, pointing his thumb toward him. “Now maybe this guy will stop being such a downer.”
“Shut up,” Ryker says, but his lips are curved upward in a teasing grin.
Pierce huffs. “I’ll leave you two alone.” Then he hurries down the hallway and closes his bedroom door.
Ryker glances over at me. “Let me get you a towel or something.”
“I’m fine. Really.” I raise my brows. “Besides, you can keep me warm.”
The smile Ryker gives me causes my heart to race. I tuck my legs up to my body and face him. “So, where do we go from here?”
“That’s up to you, beautiful.” He touches my hand, trailing his fingertips over my flesh.
“Last time you left it up to me I screwed it all up.”
He shakes his head. “No, that was all me. And I’m so sorry, Lola. It was the biggest mistake of my life.”
I wave away his words. “Please don’t apologize anymore. It wasn’t entirely your fault. I’ve thought about it a million times and you were right. You had done nothing but love me and I kept pushing you away. It’s what I’m good at – keeping people at a distance.” Staring down at his hands that are touching mine, I weave each of my fingers between his. “But when we were apart I realized that losing you was harder than letting you in. I’m ready to risk my heart. I’m ready to give it to you. Fully.”
“I promise to take good care of it,” Ryker says, and I believe him.
“I know. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t believe that.” I stare into his eyes. “The reason I got so angry when you told me about that other girl was because I just couldn’t imagine anyone else getting to touch you or kiss you the way I have. It was jealousy, plain and simple. And that scared me. I’m not usually the jealous type. I guess I’ve never really liked a guy enough to feel jealous.”
“I know. I felt the same way when I saw you with Nolan.”
“I’m so sorry about that.” I bite my lip, shame washing over me. “My parents just kept pushing him on me, and I was so lonely. I figured I might as well give him a shot, you know?”
“I figured he was the same pre-med guy you told me about.”
“I really didn’t do it to make you jealous. I thought maybe I could make it work with him.” I squeeze Ryker’s fingers. “But I should’ve known better. I should’ve known I wouldn’t be able to stay with him, because he isn’t you.”
“Let’s not hurt each other anymore, okay?” Ryker’s thumb draws circles on my palm.
“Deal.” I lean forward, and seal it with a kiss.
25
Ryker
My cell rings the minute I show up at rehearsal. It’s Lola. I don’t even have to look at the screen to know that. Other than my mom, she’s pretty much the only person who calls me.
“Wanna hang out tonight?” she asks.
I press the phone to my ear, wedged between my shoulder and cheek as I head into Beckett’s parents’ garage. The other guys are already setting up their stuff. Star and Beckett are locked in an embrace in the corner. Those two can never keep their hands off of each other.
“I’m at rehearsal, remember?” I love that Lola and I are back together. And I love that she needs me. But I’m starting to wonder if she’s having issues fully trusting me again.
“Oh. That’s right. Tomorrow night, then?”
“We have a gig. You’re coming, right?” I set my guitar case down near my amp.
“Of course. I don’t plan to let any girl get near my sexy man.”
Her words alarm me. “Lola, you know that’s never going to happen again, right?”
A pause. “Yeah. It was just a joke, that’s all.”
“As long as that’s all it was,” I say.
“It was,” she assures me, but I hear defensiveness in her tone.
“Okay. I’ll call you after practice.” I sigh as I hang up. Ever since we got back together I’ve wanted to tell her my whole story. It’s only fair, since I know everything about her now. But if she’s having trouble trusting me, telling her the secret about my past will only make her more distrusting.
“Trouble in paradise?” Beckett takes a step toward me. Star is now sitting at her keyboard.
I clear my throat. “I don’t know. Everything seems to be going well, but Lola just seems a lot more clingy than before. It’s like she’s worried I’ll cheat again.”
“Like I said. High maintenance.” He draws the words out.
I roll my eyes at him. “Thanks. That’s helpful.” Leaning down, I open my guitar case. Beckett walks over to his mic and straps his guitar over his chest.
“Okay, listen up. We’re going to try a new song that I wrote this week,” Beckett speaks into his mic.
We haven’t done a new song in awhile. Ever since Beckett and Star got together, it’s like Beckett lost his writing mojo. I think he’s been having trouble writing the same tortured lyrics as before since he’s finally happy. Beckett hands us each a chord sheet and then starts playing. I follow along, listening carefully.
Beckett’s raspy voice rings out, Star’s soft tone complimenting it nicely.
It’s locked up tight.
With no key in sight.
The diary of your soul.
Let me in. Let me peek.
It’s your heart I seek.
The diary of your soul.
Read the words.
Turn the page.
Let me in on every phrase.
The diary of your soul.
When we finish, I stand still a minute, the lyrics playing in my head. It’s like Beckett read my mind. It’s like he wrote it for me. Glancing up, I catch his eye. He nods subtly, but I see it. I smile appreciatively. Then just as quickly the moment passes and he turns back to the mic, barking orders again.
My gaze connects with the words on the chord chart. Lola and I may be back together, but I fear we have a long road ahead of us.
It’s late. Too late. I’m tired just like I always am after a gig, but Lola is over and she seems wired - almost like she just drank five coffees or something. I fear that she might have. I saw her sucking them down while we were playing. A part of me just wants to call it a night. My pillow and warm bed beckon to me. Ever since I graduated I’ve been so busy. I’m interning at a local radio s
tation, which is just a fancy way of saying that I’m working for free. For money I’m working at a music store near my apartment. Plus, Beckett’s been booking us twice as many gigs, so that’s helped a lot. But I can’t say goodnight to Lola just yet. We’ve spent the past couple of days apart, and she’s practically giddy to be with me now. Things are too fragile between us for me to cut our night short.
Lola’s hand rests on my neck as we sit together on the couch. “The new song you guys played tonight was interesting.”
“Yeah.” I pick at a loose thread on my jeans, wondering why she’s bringing this up.
“It seemed so odd to me that Beckett wrote it. Do you think he and Star are having problems?” Her eyebrows jump up. “I mean, when I’m with them everything seems great, and Star hasn’t mentioned anything to me.”
“Well, you know…” I rack my brain for the right thing to say. “Relationships are complicated.”
“Yeah.” She grins at me. “But not ours. Ours is simple. So long as I’m feeding your little addiction.” She touches the tip of my nose with her finger.
Her words trigger a question in my mind. “Speaking of which, how are you doing? You know, with the whole eating disorder thing?”
A dark look cloaks her face, and I fear that maybe it was too soon to bring this up.
“I only ask because I worry about you.” I reach for her, touching her arm. “I just want to help you. There’s no judgment here.”
“I know,” she says. “It’s just that I struggled with it a lot when I was with Nolan. He was kinda like my parents are, I guess. Just had a lot of expectations for me and stuff.”
“Did you ever sleep with him?” The words spill from my mouth before I can stop them. Ever since we got back together I keep envisioning that guy with his hands all over Lola’s body, and it kills me. “I’m sorry.” I pull away from her, feeling like an idiot. “I shouldn’t have asked. It’s none of my business.”
“No. It’s fine. You’re my boyfriend, so it is your business. And no, we never did.”
