by Amber Garza
I exhale, relief flooding me.
“I couldn’t. Not with him. I want you to be my first.”
I freeze. “You’re a virgin?” I’m shocked. I don’t know why, but I always assumed that Lola had been with guys before.
She nods, a slight flush creeping up her cheeks.
“So am I,” I admit.
“Really?” Lola’s eyebrows shoot up. “How is that possible?”
“It’s hard to imagine that any girl would pass on all this, huh?” I tease, pointing at myself.
Lola giggles. “Yeah, it is.”
“The truth is that I’m just old fashioned, I guess,” I say sobering up. “My mom always taught me to be gentleman, remember? She also always told me to wait until I got married.”
Lola shakes her head, disbelieving. “I didn’t think any guys actually did that anymore.”
“Most don’t.” Most guys don’t have the same beginning as I do, though. If she knew my whole story she’d know why I’m waiting.
Lola’s hand reaches for me, her fingers playing with the edges of my hair. It’s something she does often, and it feels incredible. “Where do you get your dark hair from? Your mom’s is so light.”
Her question startles me. “Um…my dad, I guess.”
“I bet you look just like him,” she says.
And she’s right. I do. Just one look at my mom will tell you that. We look absolutely nothing alike. But I keep my lips pressed together. I don’t want to talk about my dad with Lola. Not now. Not when things are precarious as it is. I’m not sure this is the time to spill my secret.
“Have you ever seen at least a picture of him?” she presses, and irritation bubbles inside of me. Why is she harping on this?
I don’t want to lash out at her. That would be unwise. Besides, it’s not her fault. I think she’s just trying to get to know me better. I’m sure she means nothing by it. But I’ve got to move this conversation on to something else. So I do what Lola and I do best. I make light of it. “Yeah, actually, and you know what? He looks kinda like me, but not as hot, I’m afraid.” I lean in close to her, inhaling her coconut scent and then throw her a wink.
She giggles, throwing her head back and exposing her pale neck. Taking my opening, I nestle my head into it, caressing the soft skin. She moans, arching up her back, and it turns me on. I pepper kisses all the way up her neck, chin and face until my mouth rests on hers. Her hands clamp around my neck and I wrap mine around her waist. As we continue to kiss, I wonder if this is how it will always be with us. Will we always use sarcasm and kissing to sidestep every serious conversation? As her tongue shoots into my mouth, a low growl erupts from my throat. Maybe it isn’t such a bad plan. I mean, it could be worse, right?
It’s early in the morning, and I stop by Lola’s on my way to work. Star opens the door, her hair sticking up everywhere and lines from her pillow indenting her cheek.
“Oh. Hi, Ryker.” Her voice is groggy. “I’m afraid the princess is still getting her beauty sleep.”
“Ah.” I look past Star to Lola’s bed. A patch of black hair and one arm is visible above the huge comforter. “That must be how she stays so gorgeous.”
“She’s not that great,” Star retorts with a teasing smile on her face.
“I heard that.” Lola rolls over.
“Miracle of miracles. She’s awake.” Star laughs.
I walk past her and she closes the door behind me. “I brought you coffee, beautiful.”
Lola sits up, brushing the hair from her face. She has no makeup on and her hair is a mess, but she still looks amazing. “Thanks.” Her voice is even lower and huskier than normal. It’s actually pretty sexy. She reaches for the coffee, holding it between her hands. “Wanna hang out for a little while? I don’t have class for a few hours.”
I shake my head. “I’m actually on my way to work.”
“I’m gonna head to the restroom, Lola,” Star calls as she steps out into the hallway.
Lola nods to her friend. Then she turns to me, sticking out her bottom lip in a pout. “You’re always busy lately.”
“I’m not in school anymore. I have to make money now.” I place my hand on her leg which is buried under her thick blanket.
“I wish you didn’t have to work so hard for it.”
“You and me both.” I kiss her swiftly on the mouth.
“If Beckett’s the best band in Seattle, how come you guys aren’t making more money?” She lifts the paper cup to her lips and takes a tentative sip.
“Because we mostly play small clubs, local places. Maybe one day we’ll be able to afford some big time manager and they can book us other places. Beckett isn’t exactly great at that.” I glance over at the clock. “I better get going. I’ll call you when I’m off.”
“I have classes until late.” She frowns. “God, I wish I had something else in my life besides stupid school.”
“You do.” I squeeze her thigh. “You have me.”
“Great. Can I major in that?”
I laugh. “I don’t think so.”
She wrinkles up her nose. “While you and Star are off writing and playing music, I still have no idea what my passion is.”
“You’ll figure it out.” I kiss her again. “I really have to go. We’ll talk later.” When I leave Lola’s room, her words settle into my mind. If only I could help her figure out what her gift is. I know it bothers her. It has since we met. It’s like she needs to know what her purpose is in life. I hurry down the hall and out into the parking lot. As I weave through the other cars in an effort to get to mine, I continue to replay our entire conversation. And then it hits me. I know exactly how to help Lola. And in the process, I’ll be helping the band too.
With swift movements, I pull my phone out of my pocket and dial the familiar numbers.
“Dude, your house better be on fire,” Beckett slurs.
I cringe, realizing how early it is. “Sorry.”
“What’s the emergency?”
“No emergency.”
“Then I’m hanging up. Call me back at a decent hour.”
“Wait!” I holler, willing him not to hang up. “I’m on my way to work and I need to talk to you about something.”
“Fine.” Beckett heaves a weary sigh.
I smile and tell him what I’ve come up with.
26
Lola
You can do this. I take a deep breath and force myself to stay seated. My heart is racing, and sweat beads my skin. The waist on my pants stretches over my full stomach. I keep telling myself that I’m happy and in control. The words play over and over in my head, a silent mantra, as the empty Chinese food containers litter my bed and seem to mock me.
A few wadded up napkins and my discarded chopsticks are all that is left of the exorbitant amount of food I just ate. Why do I keep doing this? Maybe I need to get some help or something. Perhaps I’m not strong enough to kick this on my own.
Gathering up all the containers, I carry them to the trash bin and toss them inside. I glance at the door to the dorm room, knowing that relief is just down the hall. Taking a step forward, I already feel a little lighter, the pressing on my chest dying down. I open the door and step into the hallway and right into a man’s chest. I recognize his smell instantly, and I crumble in his arms.
“Oh, Ryker,” I speak into his chest.
“What happened?” His voice is laced with concern. “Is everything okay?”
I shake my head, unable to look up. I don’t want to, because I don’t want to read the disappointment on his face. The girl he fell for was strong and in control. Will he still want me when he realizes how weak I really am? I mean, it was one thing to find out the first time, but that was months ago. Now it all seems to have gotten worse.
A couple of girls race down the hallway, laughing and chatting. I stiffen in Ryker’s arms as they glance over at us curiously.
“C’mon, let’s go inside.” Ryker ushers me in my dorm room. The scent of Chinese food
still wafts in the air, sinful and inviting all at once. His nose scrunches, his gaze landing on the garbage can. He knows.
Tears fill my eyes. “I don’t know why I can’t beat this.”
“It’s okay.” He grabs me, pulling me to him. His arms wrap around me like a warm blanket cocooning me in safety. With his fingers, he strokes my hair. “I’ll help you. It’s going to be alright.”
When my parents first found out I had a problem, they made me deal with it in private. They didn’t want anyone else to find out. My dad was especially adamant about it, because he felt that if other doctors knew it would reflect poorly on him. But this time, I wonder. I mean, if I seek help out here, it won’t get back to my parents, right? “Ryker?” I peer up at him.
“Yes, beautiful?” He reaches down, wiping my tears with his fingertips.
“I think maybe I want to make an appointment with a therapist. Someone who can help me. Does that sound stupid?” I worry that I’m admitting that I’m weak and can’t take care of myself. I’m worried that one day he’ll just want to cut his losses, find a nice older girl who is mature and isn’t so needy. God, when did I become the needy girl? I cringe at the realization.
“No, not at all. I think it sounds smart.”
“Do you regret staying with me?” I have to ask.
“What?” Ryker’s eyes widen. “Why would you even say that?”
I move away from him, pace the room. My hands fly up to my head and swirl in my hair. Man, I even look terrible. “It’s just that when we first started dating it was so easy. Our relationship was all about red lipstick addiction and rockstar jokes. We went to movies and danced at clubs. Now it’s like I’m falling apart and taking you with me. I don’t blame you if you want out. I mean, I know this isn’t exactly what you signed up for.”
“It’s not?” He comes up behind me, placing a hand on my shoulder. “Lola, I didn’t fall for you because I thought our relationship would always be easy. Yeah, I like when we joke and have fun together. I love that you’re sarcastic and witty. But Lola, life isn’t always fun and games. I get that. I fell in love with the person that you are. And that hasn’t changed. Just because you’re going through some tough things right now doesn’t mean that I want to bolt. I’m sorry if that’s been your experience with other people.” He spins me around to face him, grazing my face with the back of his hand. “I want to help you through this. However long it takes. I’m in this for the long haul, Lola. You don’t have to worry about scaring me away.”
“I changed my mind,” I whisper.
He furrows his brow, his hand freezing. “About what?”
“I think I do believe in fate,” I say, referring to our conversation the night at the pub. “I was always meant to find you. My whole life I’ve always thought I was this super strong, capable woman who never needed anyone. But the truth is that’s just because I couldn’t really count on anyone. But I hadn’t met you yet. You’ve saved me so many times. I need you, Ryker. More than I’ve ever needed anyone else. And for the first time in my life that doesn’t scare me.”
“I love you, beautiful.” His lips cover mine, a soft gentle reminder of his love.
“I love you too, Ryker.”
When we part, I take a step backward and sink down onto my bed. Ryker sits next to me, his thigh brushing mine.
“So, what happened tonight that upset you?”
I grin sadly, thinking about how well Ryker knows me. It used to scare me, but now I find it comforting. “My parents found out about my breakup with Nolan and that I’m back together with you. They’re coming for a visit next week.” I frown. “And they want to meet you.”
“That’s great.” He smiles.
“No, it’s not. Believe me.” I shake my head.
“Hey.” He tucks his finger under my chin. “Don’t worry about me. I’m a big boy. I can handle it. Besides, once I turn on my rockstar charm they won’t be able to help it. They’ll fall in love with me, just like their daughter did.”
“I wish.” I snort.
“Stranger things have happened, right?”
“Not really,” I mumble, as a thought strikes me. “Hey, why’d you come over tonight? I thought you were working late and had to be up early for a shift at the radio station?”
“I do, but I had some news for you that I just couldn’t wait to share.”
“Really?” I angle my body toward him, curiosity filling me.
A hesitant look passes over his features.
“What is it?” I sit forward.
“It’s just that I don’t want you to feel like you have to do this if it’s too much right now.”
“Do what?” I prod.
“Okay.” He sighs. “I was thinking about what you said about not knowing what your gift is. Well, the thing I know about you is that you’re a great planner. You’re organized and self-motivated. As you know, our band could really use a manager. So, I talked to Beckett and he agreed that you would make a great one.”
I take in his words, feeling floored. “I never thought about being a band manager before.” Standing, I mull over the prospect. “But it does sound right up my alley.”
He stands. “But like I said, if it’s too much right now we can wait.”
I whirl around to face him. “No. I think it’s perfect. I think it’s just the thing to help me, to give me some sort of purpose and direction. Besides, it means I actually get to spend more time with you. And I get to be a part of your music, which is amazing.”
“You’re always a part of my music,” he says. “It’s you I think about every time I’m up on stage playing.”
27
Ryker
This night is not going well. Actually it’s going a lot like Lola warned me it would. However, I mistakenly believed that I could charm her parents. I figured that my mom loves me, Pierce, Jimmy and Beckett’s parents all love me, so why shouldn’t Lola’s? Obviously I underestimated their ability to stay immune to my charm.
“So, Ryan, what have you been doing since graduation?” Dr. Vega has continued to call me Ryan even though I’ve corrected him like ten times already.
“Dad,” Lola hisses from across the table. “His name is Ryker.”
I’m sitting directly next to Lola so I place a steadying hand on her leg. We are in one of the swankier restaurants in town, so the table is covered in a white linen tablecloth, therefore Dr. and Mrs. Vega can’t see where my hand is located. The candle in the center of the table flickers, casting a soft yellow glow over all of our faces.
Dr.Vega hears his daughter but doesn’t bother correcting himself.
I just sigh and try to come up with some answer that will suit him. So far nothing else I’ve said has, but you can’t blame a guy for trying, right? Reaching for my water, I take a quick sip, buying myself more time. After putting it down I glance up at him. Mrs. Vega sits next to her husband, her botoxed lips pursed. “Well, I’ve been working at Beats, and interning at a local radio station. And of course, the band keeps me busy.”
“Beats?” Dr. Vega raises a bushy brow.
“Yeah, it’s a record store,” I say.
Lola stiffens beside me. When I look at her I notice her face has paled. I feel bad, wishing I had better answers to give. Only I don’t. What I said is the truth.
“I see.” Dr. Vega strokes his chin.
Mrs. Vega gives Lola an exasperated look and then reaches for her wine glass. We haven’t even started dinner and she’s on her third one.
Dr. Vega eyes my soda with amusement. “You don’t drink, Ryan?”
I bite my lip to keep myself from correcting him, while squeezing Lola’s thigh to keep her from doing it either. Clearly this is some sort of power play, and I’m just going to let it go even though it’s bothering in me in more ways than one. I know how hard it is for Lola to stand up to her parents. She’s doing so well with her recovery. In fact, she had her first appointment with the therapist this week. It’s a fact that she doesn’t want her pare
nts to know. She says they won’t approve, which honestly makes me dislike them even more. “No, I don’t, sir,” I reply.
He smirks as if he’s caught me in a lie. “You expect me to believe that?”
“Believe what you want.” I shrug. “It’s the truth.”
Lola exhales as the waiter arrives with our food. I have to say that I’m actually relieved as well. I’m hoping maybe the interrogation will end now. Everyone is silent as the food is placed in front of us. Then Mrs. Vega orders her fourth glass of wine. Her eyelids are drooping and she is starting to slump a little in her seat. I pick up my fork and start eating the vegetables on my plate.
Beside me, Lola cuts into her steak with gusto. After taking a few bites, her mom eyes her with fascination.
“Steak, huh?” Her mom slurs.
Lola drops her fork, and glances at her mom’s salad.
“I guess you’re not worried about your weight.” I’m shocked at her mom’s statement.
Lola’s body goes rigid. I set my fork down and will my voice to stay steady and calm. “Lola doesn’t need to worry about her weight. She’s gorgeous. She’s perfect.”
Mrs. Vega recoils like she’s been slapped. Then she raises her brows at me in a look that I can’t decipher. Appreciation? Disgust? Admiration? I can’t tell. But before she can say anything further, the waiter returns with her drink.
Lola stares at her plate as if she can’t quite figure out what to do. Now I get why she struggles so much. Her parents are horrible. I stroke her thigh, hoping it gives her comfort. With my other hand I spear a forkful of my potatoes and shove them in my mouth. The rest of the meal is pretty uneventful. Sure, Dr. Vega peppered the conversation with more questions. All of which I bomb. But Mrs. Vega is relatively silent. However, I think it’s because she’s drunk. Lola is quieter than I’ve ever known her to be. Not that I blame her at all. If I could go the whole night without uttering a word, I gladly would do it. But no matter how bad it is, I’m still glad I’m here to support Lola. In fact, I think it’s a pretty safe bet that I will never let her be alone with this pack of wolves again - certainly not until she’s stronger and further along in her recovery.
