Sweet Tea and Sass

by Tegan Maher

  Flustered, she turned to me and thanked me for helping her pick her stuff up. “And I hope the beating wasn’t too horrible,” she whispered under her breath.

  “Beating?” I asked, confused.

  Colin laughed. “Sweetie, I think she’s referring to the beating you got for spilling the drinks.”

  “Ohhh,” I said, realization dawning. I shook my head. “Yeah, that’s not a thing anymore. And even if it were, Ari’s not that type. Plus if anybody—I don’t care who or what they are—ever decides they’re froggy enough to put a beating on me, they’re in for a wicked-nasty surprise. I may not win, but I’ll get enough licks in that they’ll think twice before they come back for seconds.”

  She stared at me, silent, like she had no clue what I was saying. Then I thought about the whole time thing and realized she probably didn’t.

  “What she’s trying to say,” Ari explained when he saw her expression, “is that where she’s from, beating is not an acceptable practice.”

  “Well then,” she muttered. “I should like to live where you do.”

  I nodded in agreement, thinking of my little slice of paradise. “It’s the best place in the world.”

  Then it occurred to me what she was implying. “Wait,” I said. “Are you saying you get beaten?”

  “Only when I deserve it, Miss.”

  I narrowed my eyes as white-hot rage sliced through me. “Take me to whoever dares to lay hands on you. I’ll turn them into a frog, right after I tear their hair out by the roots.”

  She gasped and her hand fluttered to her mouth.

  Ari laid his hand on my arm and shook his head.

  “What?” I asked. “They deserve it.” Suddenly, my mouth felt sticky and when I tried to open it, I couldn’t. Ari gave me a pointed look and I realized I was experiencing the Fates’ lockdown.

  “Let’s check out our room,” Colin said, taking me by the arm and guiding me into the room we’d been standing in front of. He turned to the girl. “Have a good day.”

  “Hold on,” I said, digging my heels in a little, but happy that my voice was back. “I’m Destiny and this is Colin and Arariel. What’s your name?”

  “Ella,” she replied with a quick curtsey.

  “If you need a safe place, Ella, this is my room. You’re always welcome.”

  “Yes, Miss,” she said. “I really need to get back. My stepmother and stepsisters will wonder where I’ve gotten to.”

  “It was nice to meet you, Ella,” Colin said as he nudged me across the threshold. Ari followed us inside and shut the door.

  “You can’t interfere,” he said. “They’re royalty, and in the time they’re from, women’s lib isn’t even a glimmer on the horizon yet.”

  “Then maybe it should come about a few centuries earlier than it did,” I said, but realized the idiocy of what I was saying even as the words poured out of my mouth. I sighed and held up my hand before either of them could reply. “I know, I know. That doesn’t mean I have to like it, though.”

  “I don’t care for it either,” Ari said. “It’s one of the main reasons I don’t often go to those time periods. Well, that and their lack of amenities.” He shuddered. “You don’t truly realize how uncivilized things used to be until you’ve seen somebody empty a full chamber pot out a window.”

  I wrinkled my nose. “That’s disgusting.”

  “It is. Now change into something besides flip-flops. I want to show you my place; you’re gonna love my phoenix.”

  “You have a real phoenix?” Tempest asked, jumping up onto the bed. “I thought they were myths. We’ve never seen one at the resort, and we see everything there.”

  “I do. His name’s Flannigan. I found him in Ireland way back in the third century. It’s quite the tale.”

  That kind of lifespan was mind-boggling to me. Since we’d met, I’d wanted to sit down with Ari and just talk. He had to have the coolest stories ever, and now it looked like I’d get my chance to hear at least one.

  It took us all of thirty seconds to change shoes, then we were off. Ari led us back out of the castle and through a large courtyard that featured a stunning fountain carved from what I thought was ice. The pink sky gave it a fantastical glow that was impressive even considering the grandeur of its surroundings.

  Since the temperature was hovering around seventy-five degrees or so, I wondered aloud how it wasn’t melting.

  Ari cocked a brow at me. “I know it’s been a year or so since I went anywhere on Earth other than the Enchanted Coast, but has the whole climate change thing gotten so bad that diamond melts now?”

  “Diamonds?” I exclaimed. “I thought it was an ice sculpture.”

  He laughed. “No. The only place you’ll find an ice sculpture here is in the banquet room where we’ll be feasting tonight. I assure you, this one will not keep your drink cold.”

  What I thought were giant birds flew in lazy loop-de-loops in the distance. Upon closer inspection, I realized they weren’t birds at all, but rather dragons. Tempest had hopped up onto my shoulder, and I lifted it a little to get her attention, then pointed.

  “Wow,” she said, her voice breathless. “Look how many there are.”

  “Yeah,” Colin said after he followed the direction of my gaze. “Can you imagine having to find a place to put them if you suddenly have a group of dragon mages or something visit the resort?”

  Ari huffed out a breath. “Please don’t even say that. Just finding enough for them to eat would be a logistical nightmare. Do you have any idea how much a full-grown dragon can devour in a day? If we had to allot resources to hunt their food for them, half of us would do nothing but that, day in and day out.”

  As a board member, that was the sort of thing he had to take into consideration.

  “They could hunt at the resort, too,” I said. “I’d be more worried about where they’d sleep and how we’d keep them from eating the other guests.”

  “Meh,” Ari replied. “They’re not fans of human flesh, but keeping the other pets safe may be a challenge.”

  He was quiet for a minute, rubbing his chin while he thought. “I’m actually glad you said something. We should probably get to work building a place for them rather than waiting around for them to catch us unprepared. Thanks, Des!”

  Colin cleared his throat. “I hate to be the wet blanket, but as Enchanted Coast legal council, I’d advise against that. As a matter of fact, I suggest we put a moratorium on dragons. You’re taking a huge risk. One incident could be enough to put the resort bankrupt. Or start a war. Or both.”

  “Nah,” Ari replied, waving a hand. “If we go banning dragons, the next step would be Pegasus and unicorns. Next thing you know, somebody’s standin’ before the council arguing that shifters fall under the same category.”

  He slanted his eyes meaningfully toward Colin. “Nope, we take off the warning labels and let the chips fall where they will. Besides, the waiver we make everybody sign when they book covers all that.”

  “True,” Colin said, “but waivers are overridden in court all the time. At least build the hatch far enough away that drunks or kids aren’t going to be able to just wander in.”

  Ari laughed, motioning to how far away the dragons currently were. “Give me a little credit, okay? I’m not your typical out-of-touch board member. I keep a finger in the pot and my eye on the prize at all times.”

  We’d arrived in a small neighborhood that had the same ambience of a typical upper-class neighborhood in my world. Nice homes, perfect lawns, and all the little details that let you know you were surrounded by affluence. There was no peeling paint or bare spots in the yard. No scraggly flowers or shoddy repairs or uneven sidewalks. As a matter of fact, I couldn’t find a single imperfection.

  Strange multi-colored birds that looked sort of like miniature parrots sang a weird yet pleasant tune, and the sun—identical to ours—was warm on my skin.

  “Does this place have a single flaw?” I asked, a little irritated by the ut
ter lack of anything out of place.

  Ari shrugged. “No, but in my mind, that is a flaw. It’s why I spend so much time on your plane. Perfection is boring. It makes me itch.”

  Suddenly, rabid barking broke the silence, and I caught a glimpse of bared teeth charging at me from the yard immediately to my right. A massive, three-headed brindle dog hit the iron fence two feet from my arm with the force of his entire body, snapping and snarling at us.

  My heart leapt into my chest and I instinctively pulled magic to my fingertips. I shot sideways straight into Colin and nearly sent us both to the ground.

  Tempest, on the other hand, leapt off my shoulder and charged at the fence, adding her own high-pitched yips to the fray. The doggish creature wasted no time dropping to the ground and flipping over on his back, whining.

  I blinked, shocked by the sudden change. “What in the name of Hades is that?” I asked as my heart rate slowed to a safer pace.

  Ari grinned when the dog got up and leaned back on his haunches, tail wagging as he tried to get Tempest to play. “Funny you should put it like that. That’s the angel of mercy’s house. She’s watching Spike while Hades is on vacation in Greece with Hestia and Hera.” He reached across the fence and scratched the ears on the demon dog’s middle head. He lolled his giant tongue out and gave Ari a sloppy lick.

  “Who’s a good boy, huh?” Ari crooned as the dog flopped over on his back to get a belly rub.

  Tempest rolled her eyes in disgust. “I have no idea how anyone ever mistakes me for a dog. They have no pride whatsoever.”

  “Sure they do,” I said, reaching a tentative hand over to give Spike the scratch he was begging for. “They just take pride in different things.”

  “There’s no reason to be proud of fetching a stick,” she said, her nose tipped up. “Especially when it’s not even the right stick half the time.”

  “Don’t be a snob,” I said, smiling as Spike stood up and shook the grass from his back. Six-inch claws dug little divots into the ground as he braced himself then leaned back in a stretch. Between those and his wicked-looking fangs, I was glad he was eager to be buddies.

  “Hades is gonna be irritated when he gets back,” Ari said, giving the dog a final pat on one of his milk jug-sized heads. “He always complains that we ruin Spike for months after he leaves him here.”

  Colin laughed. “I can see where a friendly hellhound would make his life a little rough. Not great for his tough-guy image.”

  “Meh,” Ari said as we turned and continued up the street. “Hades needs a little softening if you ask me. He’s way too intense.”

  We’d stopped at the gate in front of a large, rugged-looking A-frame when some guy I could only describe as a popinjay exited from the pink split-level next door, straightening his pink cravat and smoothing his green pantaloons. Even from there, I could see the run up the back of his black tights when he turned around. I snickered.

  Ari heaved a disgusted sigh when the dude caught sight of us and gave me an arrogant once-over. I resisted the urge to give him the one-fingered salute he’d have generally gotten for being such a pig, but only because I was using my guest manners. Still, I couldn’t hide my look of contempt, and his eyes narrowed and hardened. The coldness in his gaze only lasted for a split second before he masked it, but it was definitely there. Unless I missed my guess, the guy had a mean streak.

  “Ignore him, Des.” Ari said, placing his hand on the door and pausing as it recognized his magic. “He’s a prince of a small nation. Big fish, small pond, and he thinks the sun rises and sets on him, but he plays an important role in history. Or rather, his progeny does.”

  “Him?” I asked in disbelief. “How? By changing the entire tone of men’s fashion by serving as an example of what not to wear?”

  Colin snorted. “If that’s who I have to thank, then let me shake his hand.”

  “No,” Ari replied. “Believe it or not, he’s the great-great, however many greats, grandfather of the guy who invents the roller ball used in modern ink pens.”

  I raised a dubious brow. “And that got him an invite to the ball?”

  A ditzy-looking woman wearing a frilly pink negligee complete with a fuscia boa and feathered kitten pumps opened the door again and twinkled her fingers at him, her long, fake lashes batting.

  I curled my nose and made quiet gagging sounds while Ari gave a tired sigh.

  “No. That got him an invite to the ball. I really wish I would have paid more attention to who was gonna be beside me when we picked our lots.”

  “Who is she?” Colin asked as her door snicked shut.

  “Aphrodite’s great-great-granddaughter, Mitzy,” he replied, pushing the door open.

  “Mitzy?” I asked in disbelief. “Aphrodite—the Goddess of Love—has a grandkid name Mitzy?”

  Ari held up a hand. “I’m not even going there. I thought I’d lucked out when I found out it was Aphrodite because she’s not one to stay in one place too long, plus we have the whole water-guardian thing in common. Then when she started procreating, and her progeny ended up with her ... proclivities but not her selective tastes, I tried to put the place up for trade. No takers, though.”

  “So, Mitzy does what ... just sorta jet sets on her grandma’s name and dime?”

  “Pretty much,” he said, motioning us into a large open living area. The place was definitely a bachelor’s pad, but a tasteful, classy one. Lots of wood and cast iron, with a full chef’s kitchen visible in one quarter of the area. Big screen, overstuffed leather sofa—all the good stuff without any of the fluff that would indicate a female presence.

  “Huh,” Colin said. “I met Aphrodite once. She’s sorta terrifying, so that surprises me.”

  “Yeah, it does everybody,” Ari said. “The rest of her offspring are strong, intelligent women just like her. Mitzy’s just proof that even celestial blood can still run sour.”

  He changed into a toga then introduced us to Flannigan, who was much smaller than I thought a phoenix would be.

  “Is that what you’re wearing to the ball?” I asked. I’d never seen him in anything other than board shorts and polos or tank tops, and I had no idea what to expect from this ball.

  He smiled. “Uh, no. This is just something to beat around in while I’m giving you the tour of the city. It’s comfier than pants.”

  I eyed the bedsheet-like garment and bit my lip, doing my best not to ask the obvious question. Colin laughed and Ari looked heavenward, amusement lighting his features. “Just let me answer it upfront so that you’re not wondering about it the whole time. Yes, I’m wearing something underneath it.”

  My face warmed, but I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t the first question that had shot through my mind. I’d always wondered the same thing about kilts until I’d finally asked a group of Scottish werewolves that were regulars at the resort. To my credit, I’d had the good taste and manners to ask their wives rather than the men.

  We spent the next few hours touring the city, and the sense of history amazed me. They had some of the world’s most hallowed artwork on display, many of which were pieces mankind thought long lost. I was grateful to see they weren’t, and also glad they were somewhere safe. We didn’t exactly have a history of preserving treasures.

  “Okay,” he said once we were standing in front of the castle gates again. “The feast starts in a couple hours, so I’ll give you time to freshen up and get ready. If you need anything, just ask your attendant and she’ll take good care of you.”

  “I have an attendant?” I asked.

  “Of course, goofy,” he said, giving me another of his famous duh looks. “You’re a guest in a celestial castle. We don’t expect you to lift a finger unless you want to. If you need more than just her assistance dressing, just ask her. She’ll make sure your needs are met.”

  “Thanks,” I said as Colin opened the door into the same courtyard we’d left through a few hours before.

  Ari smiled then snapped his fingers, disappea
ring.

  “Can you find the way back to our room?” I asked as we stepped into the cool interior of the castle. I’d been paying more attention to the absolute excess than to the path we’d taken to get to our suite earlier.

  “I’m sure I can,” he said, snaking his arm around my waist and pulling me closer to him.

  “Don’t worry—I’ve got this,” Tempest called over her shoulder, dashing ahead of us with her fluffy white tail twitching. “Follow me.”

  “Lead on, Your Majesty,” I replied, smiling up at Colin.

  I wasn’t sure, but I thought I heard her say, “That’s more like it.”

  We were almost to our room when Mitzy’s squeeze strolled around the corner and stopped in front of the door next to ours. He gave me that gross, disrespectful leer again, obviously imagining me naked and subservient, and Colin growled. Werewolves were notoriously territorial. He was much more civilized than most, though, plus he knew I didn’t have time for all that chest-thumping crap. I was perfectly capable of taking up for myself.

  However, I did understand his instincts, and also that the man in front of me came from a time when women were property, so I nudged him. “Go ahead. You know you wanna.”

  A smile flitted across his face when he glanced at me, but then the warm chocolate color flickered into a deadly golden glitter in a split second, and I shivered. There was no doubt the man beside me was lethal.

  He gave a low growl and stepped into the man’s bubble, towering over him by a good four inches.

  “That’s twice you’ve disrespected her. If it happens a third time, I’ll pluck your eyes out and eat them.”

  He lifted his left hand in front of his face and twisted it, letting just his fingertips transform into the long, deadly claws of his paw.

  The guy’s Adam’s apple bobbed and his eyes were wide as saucers. “What are you?”

  “Something you’d rather steer clear of,” was all Colin replied.

  Prince Dingdong’s gaze flickered to me and he swallowed again. “My apologies. She’s not worth it.”

  That was sorta the wrong thing to say, but it went to point that the guy had no respect for women whatsoever.